current days, re: daze

I don't like making excuses for myself as to why it sometimes takes me so long to write blogs, but I would like to take this opportunity to say that these "26 Golden Things" are KILLING me!  Yikes!  I achieve one and then start creating a blog and it almost turns itself into a roadblock for my creativity.  Gonna take a lot of determination to get through the remaining 15 but I'll do my best!

Incidentally, this blog has nothing to do with the 26 Things.  Wha-what!

I'm just writing to write tonight, for no rhyme or reason.  Which feels oddly foreign but I figured what the hell, I have it inside me right now so I might as well get it over with.  (Insert "that's what she said joke" here.)  I don't really have anything groundbreaking to talk about, but me being me, I'll talk anyway.

So I've been working at the Barn (refer to previous blogs if that title confuses you) for just under a month now, and I am pleased to report that it is going great.  Initially when I accepted the job I was a little afraid for a few reasons, one of them being the fear that I wasn't just burnt out on Express but that I was burnt out on retail in general.  Some people LOVE it and make a career out of it, and for a long time I did love it but that time had ended and I was left a little unsure.  In all honesty that first week at the Barn was terrifying because of everything that comes with a new job.

Of course you have the new people, the new registers, and the new return policy.  But what I had neglected to realize was that it would be an entirely new world all-together.  Understanding clothing and the ins-and-outs of your job after 8 years becomes second nature; being thrust into furniture and a new position is less than second nature, it's like... alien nature.  I'm so clever.  That first week was just hell because I kept thinking "Oh God, did I make the right choice?  Should I have left Express?  This is too hard."  I couldn't answer any customer questions.  I couldn't accurately ring a transaction without looking at the buttons I was pressing.  I couldn't explain the detailed return process and feel comfortable declining someone.  Most importantly, I didn't know shit about the product I was trying to sell.   Then I had to take a step back and ask WWJD?

That's not true.

But I did step back and remind myself that learning those things at Express took a large amount of time and that no one expected me to catch on to a whole new selling culture in a matter of hours.  Maybe days, but certainly not hours.  Needless to say I AM catching on and things are getting easier by the day.  At first I felt like I was going to be bored walking around a smaller store all day, but on the contrary I am fairly busy.  busy and calm, and that's amazing.  And I am learning all kinds of fantastic things.

Aaaaaaaaaaand I don't have to size clothes anymore.  Huzzah!

In other news I bought an iMac just over a week ago, making the official leap from PC to Mac and being pleasantly surprised at the ease of doing so.  I'm still learning (getting tired of all this learning) how to run the operating system, but I'm getting it, quickly and surely.  I started dicking around with iMovie tonight on the video project I have been working on all year (and will continue to do so) and I got super excited with the 30 seconds I can already watch.  I sound very simple in this blog post.  Note to self; work on sounding smarter-er.

What else what else... OH!  I went to my storage unit after work today.  (If you can't tell I'm really scraping the barrel for topics of discussion right now.)  Initially I went to remind myself visually of what all I own in terms of dishes and glasses, but then realized I hadn't been there since January.  Then I panicked because when it was raining like a cheap hooker last month a bunch of places were flooding and MAYBE my stuff was damaged.  I was happy to see it hadn't been upon my arrival, but there was a large amount of mouse poopies on my couch which made me cringe.  I ended up spending just over two hours going through boxes and rearranging them to make more space in the unit.

Only came across one or two things involving the dreaded-ex and I attacked them with an "OH MY GOD KILL IT!" method.  That letter he wrote me and those pictures didn't stand a CHANCE!

I feel like I wasted your time with this but I also feel like I needed to just talk to clear out the residual thoughts of the last month before moving on into the second half of this year.  Several exciting things are on the way and I can't wait to share them with everyone (c:

Enjoy a good song in appology for not broadening your inner eye with my blog.  Ciao kids!

a tidy conclusion

My book... a topic I am always willing to discuss but rarely have the ability to describe.  Did you know it is actually a profession for someone to read a book and then write the synopsis for the back cover?  The inside cover too, I suppose.  In fact if you watch "Forces of Nature" (you aren't missing anything if you've never seen it,) that's what Ben Affleck's character does for a living.  But for the sake of my reader's I will try to accurately describe the plot of the first book.  And the second book.  And... wait for it... the third book!

I'm writing this blog today to announce the completion of the original trilogy of books I started writing 12 years ago this August.  It's funny to look back and realize it has taken me that long, but I suppose the evidence is incontrovertible.  I have DOZENS of versions of the first book, ranging from the very very first to the absolute final incarnation.  The second book, there are four versions.  And for the third there is just the one.  I suppose that goes to show how you evolve as a writer and get a little bit better with each passing year.  Of course, completing the third also allows me to cross something else off my list of 26 Golden Things.  Reader behold!

#11 - A Tidy Conclusion; finish writing my third novel.

Picture this: Sean Parker, age 14, has just graduated from the 8th grade at James Madison Middle School in Appleton, WI.  It is the summer of 2000, and he is kind of fat.  That last part isn't true, actually, because he was always big boned and had started going through a growth spurt that summer, so to categorize him as FAT would be an overstatement (and should wait until January 2001 when he did get fat.)  See?

                                                                                 June 2000

Okay, anyway, that's me when those days of hell were over, with my friend (best/only (I was a loser (really)) @klreynol on 8th grade graduation night.  Growing up I had always had a pretty avid imagination.  From playing games with my siblings and the other neighbor kids growing up in California (the make-believe kind of "I'm the Pink Ranger and you guys are blah-blah and blah,") to writing short stories and poems that, looking back on them, were pretty fucking creepy.  I'll post one sometime.

The summer after 8th Grade was a boring one but one filled with a lot of apprehension for what my Freshman year of High School would bring.  @klreynol and I were taking her dogs for a walk and started daydreaming out loud as to what things would be like when we were adults.  I.E., living in Southern California in a beach house and working as marine biologists somewhere.

Truthfully.

We started talking about what it would be like if we had "powers," and that maybe we should write stories about it.  Together we returned to her house and started poking through a book of baby names, looking for some that we loved and would represent us in the written world we were about to create.  I chose the name Banning Sol, and @klreynol chose Bryna Shaw.

We each had a red notebook, though I can't exactly recall what type.  I think they were Mead, and maybe @klreynol's had a spiral on it but I know mine didn't.  Sidetrack, sorry.  We had taped some pictures to the front covers as well, because we were cool like that.  Immediately we were writing ESSENTIALLY the same story but told from opposite points of view.

Banning Sol and Bryna Shaw were best friends and lived in a beach house in Los Angeles.  They had telekinetic powers, worked at a Sea Worldesque aquarium, and employed some sort of witchcraft/spells to get through the day.  They get confronted by a villain named Damien and fight him wearing black-leather uniforms (X-Men had just come out in theaters, gimme a break,) on a pier.  The end.  Oh yeah, they call themselves team X-Factor.  Again, X-Men had just come out.  When the stories were finished, we showed them to eachother.  We re-wrote them.  Showed them off again.

I would actually give anything to have my notebook again, but alas, it was lost sometime over the last 12 years.  Of course I still have the original version of the book, typed, and it is 13 pages long.  Once I typed it up on my old HP Pavillion, I decided it needed a name and from then on my book was called "The Originality."  Partly because I thought it was a cool title, and partly because I thought I made the word up.

Again, truthfully.

Over the next few months, as school started and childhood gradually ended, I rewrote "The Originality" a few more times.  I even gave it out as a Christmas present to some of my friends.  By then I had created a best friend for Banning named Matt and a love-interest named Sydney.  By January of 2001 the book took a vague shape of what it would eventually be... and then @klreynol and I stopped being friends.

In hindsight it was a silly fight, but it was a real one none-the-less and resulted in us not speaking for three years almost to the day.

In the interim I reworked the book.  Then I edited it.  Then I rewrote it.  Then I edited it.  Then I rewrote... you get the picture.  I moved it as far away from what it had been and toward what started to become something much larger, because I didn't want it to be joint collaboration anymore.  I created a world... a world that seemed real, with characters that had started to feel incredibly real.  Banning Sol and his best friend Matthew Jordan, living together in New York City in the year 2336.  After discovering a mysterious ring with the word "Onyxus" inscribed on the inner band, Banning moves alone to Quillsberg, SanAndrea, the island nation California became after the big earthquake in 2076.  He meets his love interest Sydney Becker and her best friend Bryna Shaw, feeling a connection to both girls immediately.  Banning eventually learns he is what is called a Koa, a gifted member of the human species that is being hunted down and destroyed by the bounty hunter Damien Fausteu.  I can go on.

The point I am trying to reach is that writing is an incredibly personal process, and when you get down to it, you start pouring your own blood into it.  I've said in the past that I feel like a schizophrenic when I write because these characters, particularly Bryna and Sydney and everyone NOT Banning (he's just me, slightly butched up,) are facets of me.  Pieces of my own personality that I am expanding and blowing up to give a life and an individual personality, and the creepy thing about that is that at the end of the day, they are all me.  So really as a writer you get to see allllll of the people living inside your head come out on the page.  Anywho.

When @klreynol and I resumed our friendship in 2004, I felt like an ass.  She knows it.  But the story still existed and I wanted her to read it.  And she did... several times.  She became my editor in every meaning of the word, learning the ins and outs of "The Originality" better than anyone else.  It didn't take long for me to realize I should dedicate the first book to her, and I followed through with it as you will see below.  Flashing forward a few years to 2009, I decided the time had come for one final rewrite of "The Originality."

                                                                                       April 2009

That picture above was from Katie and I spending SEVERAL hours pouring through the first book in the spring of 2009.  The board to the left is a break-down of every plot point through every chapter of the book.  To the right are the locations used, the names of every character, types of vehicles, etc.  It was back to formula to turn the book from something that wasn't entirely coherent into a story that was rock solid.  With that rewrite came a new title that would get rid of my own embarrassment and hint at something that actually had to do with the story.  Something that hinted at a larger world.

"The Onyxus Chronicles: Episode I" was born.

                                                                            The Onyxus Chronicles: Episode I dedication cover

My Bests can attest to the fact that I always aim to make people cry.  Not by being mean, but by being incredibly sweet or sentimental when they least expect it.  The running joke is that I collect their tears.  That being said, the biggest compliment I have gotten on Episode I is that it has illicited tears from all 13 people who have read it (save for one.  Shithead.)  I love that I wrote something that could have an affect like that... it makes me feel like I'm not the only person attached to these characters.

My favorite part of the first book?  I can't pick anything so I'm going to say it's the dialogue, especially that between Sydney and Bryna.  Not to toot my own horn more than I already have, but I can create a moment between characters like you wouldn't fuckin' believe!  Finale page tally: 568.

So we move on to Episode II.

I neglected to mention that originally there was a very short treatment for a continuation of the adventures.  Banning and Bryna board a plane to Hawaii and the plane ends up crashing, and I don't really remember what else but it ended with a bunch of people dying and the characters wind are stranded on a strange island called "Myth."  I never got much farther than that.

Over the years I had tinkered and toyed with Episode II and what it entailed.  I think I always had a much more grand view of what it would be and it never ended up being that.  At first the book revolved around mermaids and elves and fairies, along with a human protagonist named Themis and a goblin king named Seklu Drow that SEEMED like he could be the "misunderstood bad guy" but ended up just being a dick with no motive.  When I finished the rewrite of the first book I "rewrote" Episode II and then passed it off to @klreynol to edit.  Having never read it at all before, she... liked it?  A little?  But while she may have enjoyed the continuation of the story, there were a SHIT TON of problems she found with it.

Chief among them: people could teleport by clapping their hands.  Looking back on that I still laugh.

                                           Paolo helping with the editing process.  In his special way.

When my relationship with the dreaded ex started to crumble, I turned a harsher eye on my work and decided I would give it the "final rewrite" treatment that I attacked Episode I with.  And it worked.  I threw every criticism @klreynol offered at the story and removed the silliness of it to paint it with a much darker shade.  I made my villains into actual villains and in the process I allowed the story to evolve into something so much greater.  I blush and wave my hands away at any compliments I receive on the book, but really I am incredibly proud of the lore I have started to create.  You know it's decent when the people you allow to start reading it begin to agree.

The island "Myth" became "Dagrún."  The elves became the ailill; the mermaids became the enki.  The fairies the tien, the goblins the usha, and the humans the manu.  They were given purpose.  They were given motives.  Above all, they were given personalities.  And while a few characters from Episode I are largely not included in Episode II, two new characters have taken the empty spaces at Banning's sides; Tristan and Saphrinity Nargos, the ailill siblings.

I didn't realize it at the time but Tristan would wind up becoming my favorite character that I have written.

So I finished Episode II officially in August of 2011.  Signed, sealed, and dedicated to another of my bests, @markstyleme.  He had gone through a lot with me during the construction of the novel and to me it only made sense to dedicate it to him.  Granted, he has yet to finish reading it almost a full year later (ahem.)  The reason behind the dedication line cane be found on my Facebook page for anyone so inclined, in the album from his birthday.

                                                                    The Onyxus Chronicles: Episode II dedication cover

Only a couple people have read this addition to my series and the response has been fairly positive.  There are some errors... not really errors, but areas of improvement.  Until I get them hammered out I am a little wary of allowing people to read it as I would only want to present my material in the best possible way.  I hope the few (two... maybe one) of you dying to read this can be patient just a smidgen longer!

My favorite part of the second book though?  The fight between Banning and the Manika (big fucking monster/dragon/thing) in the final chapter.  Holy shit, I don't think I will ever top this one as it gets bigger and bigger until a FANTASTIC climactic moment.  DEFINITELY the best 18 pages I've ever written!  I can't wait to see it turned into a movie.  Final page tally: 604.

With all of that done, there was only one thing left to do.  Create Episode III... the problem child I had been neglecting.  Here's the thing with Episode III: it never existed as a story.  It was the afterthought to the first two books; the way I would "probably" end everything.  In September of 2007 I wrote a five page treatment of the ending of the trilogy, almost like a "hyper real" version of what could happen.  Everyone that died, what Banning has gone through, etc. etc., all condensed to those short pages that I could keep as a goal.  Episode III consisted of a few pages of notes, a bunch of movie quotes that would shape my thought process, and that was it.  Really.

Not a month had passed after finishing Episode II that I began construction on the new book.  I couldn't stop myself, I wanted to get rolling on it so bad.

                       Editing time at the ALWAYS accommodating and incredible Wisconsin Ave. Starbucks.

This book was going to be different seeing as it was starting from scratch.  I started with an outline (for the first time) and filled it out extensively.  That took a while.  I chose the plot points and struggled a great deal with the  reasonings behind some of those plot points.  Why was THIS character doing THAT to the OTHER character?  Parts of these choices I am still piecing together.

The funny thing about writing from scratch is that you have no influence AT ALL as to what it is you are going to create.  Everytime I rewrote one of the other books I had to follow a certain path because things had to lay themselves out in a certain way.  A before B and then can come C.  But with a new book I was able to just... let my fingers fly.  And when I sent @klreynol the first few chapters just before Christmas when I took a writing break, she had a reaction to it that surprised me.

She said it was the best work I had ever written.

So with that in mind, when spring rolled around and I got to working on the book again, I did so with this weird determination that I hadn't felt before.  I actually cried a couple times while writing scenes that were in NO way sad because they were scenes that I needed to pump out in order to keep the story moving and they were scenes that made me bored.

I think I just shot my book in the proverbial foot, lol.

I don't mean boring in the way you might think; they were scenes that would link together the OTHER scenes, the ones I wanted to get to but didn't know how.  They had to be the "Why?" behind the "WOW!"  Episode III takes place on another world that obviously doesn't exist, and creating that from the ground up was incredibly daunting and at most times, a nightmare.  But I did it.  And I wrote it.  And I cried a lot when I got to the end and I cried a lot when I edited, because in all ways possible... this was the end of a journey it took me 12 years to complete.  If you're laughing at that, tell me the biggest thing you've ever accomplished and we'll compare notes.

When trying to decide who to dedicate this book to, it became obvious that it shouldn't be dedicated to a person at all but to a thing.  No one forced me to write this, no one caused me to write this... I did it for myself.  I pushed myself to finish it for a "thing" that has started to shape and define me, as I 've referenced in previous blogs, and that being the Golden Year.  It was only fitting to acknowledge this achievement with the year it was attained in.

                                                                        The Onyxus Chronicles: Episode III dedication cover

There are plenty of issues with this book and seeing as it is only in the "first draft" stages, there will likely be many changes.  But I am pleased with it... it feels whole.  The novel wraps up the story lines I set in motion years ago and does so in a satisfying way.  I'm sure once I've taken a step away from it to breathe a bit, I can approach the story with fresh eyes and add to it a bit more in the way only I know how to, "beefing it up."

I only ever set out to write three books in this series.  Banning Sol always had a beginning, a middle, and an end.  The people that came throughout were sometimes killed, sometimes immortalized, and sometimes left alone to be one of the few survivors.  I managed to tie up all of my loose ends and I did it in a way that didn't compromise my messages.  If the first book is about letting go of what you cannot control and the second book is about coming to terms with the things that have happened, then the third book is about forgiving.  Not only forgiving those who have done you wrong but forgiving yourself as well.  I feel that's something everyone can learn from... and that's how we come back around to #11 on my list of 26 Golden Things.

#11 - A Tidy Conclusion; finish writing my third novel.

Oh, and my favorite part of Episode III? The final pages where you, the reader, figure out the story doesn't end with Episode III.  Current page tally: 434.

Goodnight kiddies (c:

an old door closes

I've always found it slightly funny... humorous, I should say, in how we measure time.  Or how I measure time, as it were.  I have a very strong memory simply because I correlate it to events in my life.  I saw Men In Black with my parents in the summer of 1997 on my brother's birthday, and he was pissed because he and my sister went to see Hercules instead and wanted us all together.  The last thing I ate before the shit hit the fan with my gallbladder was Swedish Fish in August of 1998, right before my dad and I went to see Godzilla at the Valley Fair Theater.  And I still won't touch them.  On September 1st, 2004, I had my first job interview for Express with Mr. Matt, in the corridor outside Pottery Barn in the Fox River Mall.

What's funny is that the ensuing 7 years and 9 months went by in such a blur that today, when they have officially come to a close, I can only remember the best parts.  The happiest moments.  I suppose that's the great thing about relationships that come to an amicable close (because really, this has been a relationship.)  In the end, when both parties are ready to say goodbye, you reminisce on the best times and ignore all of the worst.  That being said, I am writing this post due to the completion of another item on my list of 26 Golden Things.  Ladies and germs, behold:

#10 - An Old Door Closes; walking away from Express.

 June 1st, 2012

I spent the summer after my senior year of high school working at American Eagle.  I'm pretty sure they liked me there, but the proof doesn't really exist.  I think I was one of "those" associates, i.e. the kind that I utterly loathe now.  Flippant, called in a lot, fucked around while I was there.  It didn't really come as a surprise when the summer season wound down that I was told I was there JUST for summer and needed to find a new job.  Poopy.  So I went straight to Express, where I had purchased a couple awesome pairs of jeans (the Interstate Rebel, represent!) and knew they were hiring.  The guy who conducted the interview was Matt, the co-manager at that time and  after a long time, my store manager.  We'll get to that.

My first day of work was September 18th, 2004.  Back then you had to wear dress clothes to Express, because the company was in the "Design Studio" phase that required a much more... classy approach to the associate projection.  I wore black Producer pants, a bright red 1MX shirt, and a black tie.  You had to have three pieces on at all times.  It was an okay first shift, I remember being really tired at the end because I couldn't sit down at all during it.  That's because I was (am) a lazy ass.  Quickly the month wrapped and then we were somersaulting into the holiday season and everything became a blur.  Flash forward to the summer of 2005 when I briefly left Express to work full-time at a call center (worst career move EVER) for a better pay rate.

That November, I strolled casually into the store one night and discovered they were getting ready to have a holiday launch meeting.  The district manager, Julie, was there that night and the store manager Heather asked me to come into the backroom, where they proceeded to offer me a full-time position as the stockroom manager.  At that point I was miserable at the call center because, quite frankly, it was a bull shit job; I had been working at Express once a month for floorsets.  So I accepted the job and came back, working solely in the backroom processing shipment and loving every moment of it.

I had vacation time!  I was making more money than I ever had in my life!  And never would again until 2011!

 September 2006

2006 was a fast year, and it ended with an ugly accusation from the evil bitch-troll-from-hell store manager (Heather was gone by then) about me that caused me to leave the company.  Being accused of theft sucks, especially when you have to talk about it for over an hour with a TERRIFYING loss prevention man on the phone.  I was acquitted, because it wasn't me at all, but the damage had been done.  That snake woman was a horrible boss and she succeeded in getting me to leave.  Aldo Shoes came for me at that point, offering me the Assistant Manager title and a glossy raise.  I shouldn't have taken it but I did.  So I wrapped up some loose ends and parted ways with Express on December 1st, 2006.

 December 2006

Aldo only lasted a few months.  In hindsight, I wasn't ready at all to become a manager of any kind let alone an assistant.  The company itself was an absolute nightmare but I had a blast working with @jeffywitt, an old Express friend who had gotten me the position.  When he left Aldo in the spring of 2007, I followed suit and returned to Express with my tail between my legs.  I actually took a month off, because I could, before going back to work.  Then we dive into the meat of my tenure.

I came back to the store at Fox River making just more than minimum wage, so probably around $7.15 at the time.  About $5 an hour less than my previous position with the company, yech.  I did my time though and was thankful to have any money at all coming to me, so I kept my mouth shut.  Something had changed with me while I was at Aldo; though I had not been READY to become a manager, I had indeed become one and learned a thing or two.  That was suddenly quite apparent.  I had gone from child to MAN!  Huzzah!  Cue the fanfare!

By the end of summer 2007 the management team (save for that evil bitch-troll-from-hell store manager (now referred to as EBTFH)) was rallying behind me to get me promoted to a part-time sales lead.  In most other stores, this is referred to as a key holder position, but Express takes it a step further and holds them accountable for sales.  Makes them feel more part of the team in a way I suppose.  I got the job, nailed the interview, and things were good.  I slid into the "Brand" role, which means I had a heavy hand in store visuals.  I had always been more inclined to that job and it ended up being something that would pave the way for the future.

 February 2008

The above shot was taken on my first business trip, down to Brookfield Square in Milwaukee to relocate the store to a temporary spot while the old one was remodeled.  Those mannequins obviously had weiners.  I thought it/I was hysterical.

I should also mention that in the spring of 2008, a couple months after that picture was taken (coincidentally a couple days after I had gone BACK to Brookfield to set up the newly remodeled store,) that EBTFH got her ass fired.  I'd say I had nothing to do with it, but... ::tapping the side of my nose and winking:: I won't.  Not a lot happened over the next few years to follow all of that.  In the fall of 2008 I was promoted to full-time sales lead, still making less money than I had been as the stock manager but whatever.  I did my time.  If there was one thing I had learned from Express over the years it was that you were never just handed anything you had to earn it.

In the fall of 2009, @kochs18 from the Green Bay store at Bay Park Square came down to our happy little store in Appleton and turned that shit on its head... not to mention, he turned me on my head.  He opened my eyes.  Within months I had changed, turning from what I was into what I would eventually be.  I became responsible for things at work, taking the initiative to just do things myself when it was apparent no one else was going to do them.  I learned how to coach my team successfully.  I learned how to run the sales floor efficiently.  I am indebted to him for a lot of what I learned, as he was the first person that really slammed it into my head where it stuck.  So @kochs18, if you're reading this, thank you.

By the time the holiday season 2010 rolled around I was essentially an assistant manager.  Not technically, because our store hadn't earned a second co-manager (same thing) title, but essentially.  The logical procession was that I would get the title when it opened up, and in April of 2011 it did.  And I got it.

However, co-manager came with a catch... and then things started to turn again.

 April 2011

The above picture was with @shizzauna on my last day at Store #114 Fox River.  My last day because in order to attain co-manager status I had to transfer to Store #621 Bay Park Square, in Green Bay, and the co-manager up there had to transfer to Fox River.  I was heart broken.  (Trying not to deviate too far from the topic, I had been out of my relationship with the dreaded-ex for a month at that point and still living in my duplex in Wrightstown.)  The only thing I wanted in my life was familiarity and that was what the store offered... because in nearly seven years (at that point) it had become a home to me.  Whenever the guy came for preventative maintenance, I was the one who walked the store with him to point out everything that was broken.  Me, because I knew it better than anyone else.

I of course accepted the position, and the subsequent relocation.  And it doesn't matter anymore to reveal to the mass public (all five of you reading this) how devastated I was.  I think if I could do it all over again, I would have refused.  Either the co-manager title or the store... I'm not sure.  But I would have refused because it's all the same.

 July 2011

It wasn't all bad, admittedly.  I was coming into a team that had some very talented people and I was also increasing my knowledge while doing so.  The reason for the transfer was because the powers that be felt it would be prudent for me to be the ONLY co-manager, rather than one of two.  That way I wouldn't be pushing any responsibility to another person but dealing with it myself.  Which does make sense.  And I would be working with Mr. Matt again, my hire-er and former co-worker, who had become the store manager of Bay Park when  @kochs18  came to Fox River.  I hope you're still with me.

The picture above was from the only time I was able to go back to Fox River, in July of 2011, to cover for the day.  That's Christine, who has since become a fantastic manager in her own right.  What was remarkable was that having worked there for nearly seven years and been gone a mere three months... everything felt foreign.  It wasn't my home anymore and that killed me.  I don't know why I get so sentimental with some of these things but I do, and that's the way it goes.  So deal with it!

 August 2011

My Robert Pattinson hair, thanks Chrusty B. for taking this.  I guess you could say that I came into my own at Bay Park.  It was great being the only co-manager, for exactly the reasons they described.  As Matt's right hand it made me feel like I was more important.  Like I was more of a leader.  For the most part I had a great time at that store, even if the mall itself was (is) a dump.  Ask anyone and they'll agree on that bit.

 October 2011

That jacket was fierce.  Nothing to note between summer of 2011 and spring 2012, really.  After the holiday season I started to grow weary of Express.  The constant changes that I had learned to deal with, the constant pressure to be better all the time.  It was like being the child of a pageant mom.  "SMILE!  BIG TEETH!  SHOW ME YOUR PURDY FACE!  NOW DANCE LIKE WE PRACTICED!"  And for all of the training... for all of the shit I had shoveled and the trials and tribulations I had forced myself though... I was done.

 April 2012

This came along one day in pack-up, the recognition award I had been waiting for for such a long time.  It broke my heart to look at it and feel like it didn't mean much.  The five years was on there because it was for five consecutive years, my stint at Aldo having fucked up what could have been eight consecutive years.  Matt presented it to me with a note he had written, and I was happy.  Honestly, I was.  But there was that thought in the back of my mind that while yes, I had to earn everything I got with Express... this was it?  Just a pat... not even a pat... just some words... I don't know.  I don't know what I expected.  A parade, an awards ceremony, a dozen balloons held by a fat guy with a belly ring... something.

Two weeks later, Pottery Barn called.

And there were way too many ellipsis' in that paragraph... sorry.  Sorry again.

Giving my notice to Matt was difficult but something that had to be done.  He knew what I was doing while I was doing it, so it wasn't a surprise when the time came.  It was still hard.  Like I said at the beginning, leaving a company you've been with for nearly eight years (regardless of what that fucking picture says) is like a breakup.  The difference being that instead of one goodbye, you have several.  You say goodbye to the people who have shaped you.  You say goodbye to the people you yourself have shaped.  And for every tearful goodbye, there is another piece of the puzzle that finally sets itself down to the adhesive and doesn't ever get to move again.

Today was my last day with Express; June 1st, 2012.  It was also the most unlikely thing I would achieve on my list of 26 Golden Things this year.  I'm scared of the future and what it is going to bring.  I'm scared to leave this place that I know so well in the dust as I burn the proverbial rubber of my life's tires.  This company has brought so much into my life, from people to experiences.  Birthday celebrations that lasted all night long and road trips that were filled with amazing conversations.  Beautiful weddings that were awe-inspiring and sadly a funeral for a life that ended too soon.  It shaped me from an 18 year-old brat into a 26 year-old brat.  Maybe with better taste now than he did back then.  Not sure what else.

Express has introduced me to people that I will keep with me forever; @shizzauna, @jeffywit, @trishizzle, @kochs18, @emilylau22, @corkalynn, @jessicafritz, Mr. Matt, ChaCha, Joyful, Chrusty B., Miss Kayla, Samwise, and a million others that I know I am forgetting and I'm sorry for doing so.  Most importantly it brought me to two of my bests, Mrs. S and @markstyleme, without whom I would not be the same.

 June 1st, 2012

I think the best way to round all of this out is to end it where it began.  With Mr. Matt.  Where @kochs18 "showed me the light," Mr. Matt allowed me to channel it and focus it into something cohesive.  Something tangible.  I learned the essentials at Fox River and honed my skills at Bay Park, and because of that I am able to enter Pottery Barn as someone who knows what the hell they are doing.  I find it fitting that Mr. Matt hired me, was there with me when I left the first time and will be there to take my store keys back at the end of my last day, ushering me toward the future.  It makes me sad, and in fact right now it makes me cry, but I know that the time has come for it to be over and for me to move on.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to be the grown up in situations like these... breakups and what not.  But that's the role I am meant to play for now.  And it's certainly better to be the one to leave than to get your ass fired.  Ladies, am I right?  I'm going to miss my Express family so incredibly much but I know that for most of them, it isn't goodbye forever.  I would never want it to be goodbye forever.

But it is certainly #10 on my list of Golden Things; an old door finally closing.

Much love to all of you.

opening a door

Today I burned the fuck out of my right arm sitting on the patio at Solea with @klreynol drinking margaritas.  Wanted to get that out of the way.

Hey everybody!  And by everybody I mean everybody because it seems the amount of people reading these dandy-doodle blogs has jumped very quickly, to which I say "thank you" for whoever shared my last blog.  Unless no one did, in which case... okay.  In all seriousness though, thank you; my blog views that have been tracked in May alone are more than April, March and February combined.  I'll try to make these a little more entertaining, but with this guy ::points at self:: you never know.

It occurred to me this evening that as of late, I have been posting somewhat cryptic status updates on Facebook in regards to the future of my career with Express.  Obviously I am leaving the company, but the how and why are a mystery to most of you.  The reason behind that is because me being me, I wanted to compose a blog entry about where I will be going.  And of course, being my Golden year, this was indeed one of my 26 Golden Things.  It was the first item added to my list at the beginning of the year, and the least likely to actually occur.  But it has (or will, June 4th,) and I couldn't be more excited to move it up 17 spots on said list.  Let's get on with the deets.

#9 - Opening a Door; land a new job.

Obviously this topic will be two separate blogs (maybe not obviously,) but the other will be written/posted June 2nd and that will have to do entirely with Express and what it has done to me.  Done for me.  Done... with me, perhaps?  You get the picture.  So this will deal entirely with the new company I will call a home and the direction my life is about to swing in.  Needless to say, I will focus on the the new company in this post and less on the "why" I am doing it.  Here we go.

Towards the end of March, Mrs. S (she's been referred to before (I know these names can be way too vague)) contacted me and said that Pottery Barn in the Fox River Mall was interested in talking with me about possibly interviewing for a position with them as an assistant manager.  After debating it VERY briefly, I told her I was not interested.  After all, reviews were coming up at Express and I was feeling pretty good about myself.  Remind me to touch back on that in the next blog.

Ahem.

So we flash forward to the beginning of May, when I had forgotten about Pottery Barn (heretofore referred to simply as "The Barn") and the escape it could provide.  I get a phone call on my cell phone from a stranger number, so naturally I don't answer it and let it go to voice mail.  Yes, I'm one of those people.  I listened to the message right away and it was from a woman named Courtney who was/is the store manager at The Barn.  She had gotten my name AND phone number from my former landlord in Wrightstown, Brenda.  Brenda recommended me for the position and said a few other nice things, and Courtney just wanted to sit down and talk to see if I was interested.  By that point in time, I was.

Of course when the time came the following week to actually sit down and interview, I was fairly collected.  The last time I had interviewed for a job was years ago when I left Express briefly for a failed stint as the assistant manager at Aldo in the Fox River Mall ::shudders::  That interview had been a nightmare because I had NO idea what I was doing, how I would possibly succeed at faking my answers (playing off "stock room manager" as something akin to a "sales floor manager" is pointless, FYI.)  Come to think of it I also interviewed for assistant manager at Lovesac when it was opening in Appleton, but we all know what happened to that place.

It closed... if we don't all know.  Don't wanna assume anything.

So anyway I was fairly collected when I strolled into The Barn that Wednesday and met with Courtney and the district manager Suzanne.  I think a large part of my cool demeanor was simply due to the fact that I held a tenured position with Express, was not currently at risk of losing said job, and the position was salary based so there was no pressure riding on me fucking something up.

That, and the fact that I Knew. My.  Shit.

We sat in some chairs in the mall corridor and the questions started flying, and each one that was lobbed to me was subsequently knocked back over the net.  That isn't to say the questions were easy, because they weren't, but Express is notorious for setting a very high bar when it comes to training its managers and I had been through all of the training.  Each and every time it had come around (they like to throw a lot of curve balls at Express to keep growing the talent in the team.  After 8 years... I have lots of talent.)  I was charming during the interview, I smiled a lot and showed off my dimples.  About mid-way through was when I realized that this was a job I was actually going to want.  I have a problem with approaching things that could be SLIGHTLY out of my reach, and when I decide I really want them I become paranoid.

Even though the interview went very well, I indeed left it feeling paranoid.  What if I wasn't good enough?  What if my answers weren't spot on the way they should have been?  What if my bright blue eyes and flashing smile DIDN'T work the way they were supposed to!?  Jumping forward a week through some phone interviews, a surprise visit to my store, and wonderful references from the people I had carefully listed on my application, I received a phone call from Courtney asking if we could meet for coffee.  (You'd get bored with the details we jet-railed over, trust me.)

By this point I was a little annoyed because the process had been longer than I anticipated and fairly arduous.  I felt for the position of assistant manager, it was a lot of hoops to jump through.  I met with Courtney at Starbucks and sat down at a table she occupied... with a folder in front of her.  Good sign.  We chit chatted for a few minutes before Courtney said these fantastic words to me:

"So I'm very excited to meet with you today."
"Oh are you?" I replied with a deep smile and probably a blush.
"Mmmhmm, you probably know why."
"Well I try not to assume," I chuckled.
"I'd like to offer you the position of associate retail manager with us."  (PS, that's assistant manager to you, the general public.)

So I squealed (no I didn't) and danced (no I didn't) and then covered my face and laughed (yes I did.)  It was one of those moments in life where you realize what you've been toiling at, working at, and beating your brains out over has finally culminated in a single moment of chance.  Chance that I had an amazing Best in Mrs. S with the highest connections of anyone I know.  Chance that my failed relationship with the dreaded-ex had inadvertently introduced me to a landlord who would go on to talk me up as a great worker and then drop my phone number to her boss.  Chance that a job in the field I had always been interested in (interior design) would essentially fall into my lap and that I would be capable of tackling it with ease.

I accepted the position with The Barn (re: Pottery Barn,) without even thinking.  It was a no-brainer.  Back in Appleton and away from that shit-hole Green Bay (no offense if you live there, natch)?  A substantial pay increase to a level of income that would grant me the ability to move out on my own without a problem?  More paid time off and a competitive discount?  I'd be stupid not to!  The reason it had taken so long is because they were looking at me to eventually become the general manager (the store manager, hey-o!)

I had been in contact with Matt (my boss at Express and long-time friend,) so he was aware of the situation the entire time.  The last thing I wanted was to catch him off guard with a surprise "I QUIT!"  He was great with the news, as were the rest of the people that it filtered toward.  Was I sad to tell them all I'd be leaving June 1st?  Of course.  I never WANTED to leave Express, but to stay would be to remain locked in place and not moving forward.  And this year was and still is all about moving my life forward.

So there you have it, #9 on my list of 26 Golden Things; opening a door.  I'm nervous to start a new job, meet a new team, and accept the responsibilities that come with it all.  Having been at Express for so long, most of that becomes second nature, so taking on a new challenge is incredibly daunting.  However, having been there and done that and shoveled a fair amount of shit in the process, I am ready to dive in to something new and fresh.

Look forward to a lot of happiness from me, your favorite self-proclaimed author.  Goodnight kiddos.

escaping my head

Hi.

I know lately I've been writing this to let everyone in on the wonderful things that I have been forcing through my life this year, but right now I am writing simply to write.  To sit back, extended my fingers, and stretch my mind.  How many of you know how to do that?  Stretch your mind?  It's not really a learned skill, but it is indeed a skill.  I guess it comes from not having a filter and hey, as most of you know, my mouth certainly lacks a filter times.  Most times, actually.

Earlier today it started to finally hit me what has happened this year.  It's been a lot in a surprisingly short amount of time.  I've chronicled it all through the blogs, but still... it's a surreal experience.  Buying a new car, finishing my third book, getting over an ex, giving out my number, finding a new job, leaving an old one, etc. etc.  Some of those have yet to be explained and believe me they will, but this blog isn't about them.  It's about getting out of my head.

Someone asked me the other day how I was handling all of it.  It's a big step to buy a new car... it's an even bigger step to quit the job you've had for several years to head off to a new company.  To some people, that's a lot.  To other people, that's too much.  I, being a champion for change, haven't thought too much about it.  But today I started realizing that (officially) I have crossed off 11 items from my list of 26 Golden Things.  11 big changes in five months from totally new experiences, and that's... something.  That's almost daunting.

Daunting for the sole reason that I have 14 things to go.

I'm not psyching myself out by any means because these are things I have wanted for a long time, but it does scare me in a particular way.  Why did it take me this long to get the ball rolling?  I've been upset for a long time with my job; I was upset with Bethel the Jeep for even longer.  I never acted on either of them.  I labeled 2012 as a special year, sure, but why does that grant me licence to change all of these things?  Things that happen to me or that I myself cause?

I found this quote/image a while ago and I saved it.  Sometimes I simply like the way these things sound at the time and when I come back to them a couple weeks or months later to re-read them, I discover they have taken on a new meaning.

I think the reason things are happening and changing for me is because I finally told my mind to just shut the fuck up.

Shut.  Up.

Wounds happen every day in our lives; physically and emotionally, they are constant.  Sometimes those wounds build up, add up, and eventually take hold.  What I love about that quote is that it is such a simple and true one; deep down you know what you need to do to get better.  On January 1st, 2012, when I made a prophecy for my golden year, I didn't realize what I was really doing.

It didn't feel like I was kicking off something so much larger than me.  It didn't feel like I was getting ready to embark on a journey that would end up making me a bigger personality and a better person that I had been before.  At the time it felt like a grand ambition, one of many that I had had before that would fade away in the dust.  I've sometimes had problems with the follow through on my little personal missions.  And that's the great thing about writing these blogs, these little love letters from me to the ether... the more you guys read them, the more it drives me forward.

Some people look at blog writing as a way to bitch and moan to the world, and they're right.  But it is also a pretty effective tool at keeping yourself honest.  For me personally, it keeps me honest.  I won't say I am going to do something in here unless I really mean to do it, because otherwise I am embarrassing myself by not living up to it.

I suppose as of now I have three blogs to write about new items for the list of 26 things.  If I can get two more things accomplished by the end of the month, I will be half way to my final goal.

I don't think that will happen, as May is kind of a bland month, but the summer will bring big opportunities and so will the new job I will be embarking on in just a couple weeks.  The only reason I wanted to write tonight was because after a failed attempt at sleep, I needed to vent my thoughts.  Otherwise they go round and round and I get annoyed.  And then the cat bites my knee through the bedsheets (no shit, she did it last night) and then I scream like a bitch and throw her off.

Rambling.  Okay, that's all I've got.  My hair look awful right now.  Goodnight gang.

PS, on a side note... feel free to share my blog with people.  With anyone, I don't care.  I'd love to have an audience that continues to grow.  Unless you think these are shit, and that's fine.  But then I would also wonder why you are still reading...

Maybe you're waiting for something...




like...





THIS!

Hahahaha, check out the fucking gap in my teeth.  Braces twice, ya'll!  Goodnight for reals (c:

a new partner

One month.  One whole month!  Since I wrote a blog, that is.  As I wrote that, I realized I actually posted one April 21st, but since I don't delete the stream of thoughts pouring out of my noggin I'll let you all see how big of a retard I really am.  Anywho.  So one month ago I got rid of Bethel (refer to that blog... two blogs ago) and couldn't of course NOT have a car to replace her.  After all, how would I get around?  That was the whole issue with her reliability (re: lack of) so I needed to choose well.  And choose well I did.  I'll let Matthew Broderick explain quickly before I dive in to this short(er(ish)) blog.

So there you have it, the all new 2012 Honda Cr-V.  And, would ya look at that, a new addition to my list of 26 Golden Things.  But that title won't come until the end, and don't you dare fucking look ahead.

The commercial aired during the Super Bowl this year and caught my attention, mostly because of him representing himself as Ferris Bueller.  I remember going to see James Bond: Casino Royal in 2006 with @MarkStyleMe and our friend Dustin for guys night, and before the movie started the pre-show had a commercial for the (back then) all new 2007 Cr-V.  The slogan came from having Cr-V transform into Crave.  Back then I thought "that's a pretty cool car," and the commercial stuck with me because everytime I saw one, I thought of it.  Oh hey, wait... I found the commercial.  I'LL POST IT!

Okay, I'll start taking this seriously now.  I had only ever test-driven cars, not SUV's.  I figured I drove the Jeep and had a good time, but I wanted something that was fuel efficient and sporty.  That was always kind of the search criteria.  I won't bore you with the years that passed between then and now, as you already know they were uneventful with Bethel.  Then came April 2012 and the hunt was on again.

I actually only test drove a couple cars.  The Kia Forte (boo,) the Kia Sportage (meh,) and the Honda Cr-V (ding-a-ling!)  I drove the lower end model of the Cr-V, the LX, and fell in love with it.  I was going to wait a bit before jumping in and buying but that didn't last long.  I test drove them all on a Friday and was driving one home eight days later the following Saturday (@klreynol came with on purchase day.)  The guy at the dealership in Appleton was nice but vague, and didn't really walk us through anything.  @MarkStyleMe and I had a good time lying to the folks we drove around with that day, portraying him as a different person each time.  It's just what we do.  With Kia he was a substitute math teacher in North Carolina, and with Honda his name was... Steve?  I can't remember, but the dealership guy didn't drive around with us so that personality never got a chance to shine like it did with Jody at Kia.

I started e-mailing the area Honda dealerships that week, pitting them against each other in a showdown to the DEATH!  Not really, but I did send annoying e-mails trying to haggle the price down on the EX (mid-line model,) because it had a bunch of features the LX was lacking.  Namely the sunroof.  I mean, hello!?  If I'm buying a brand new car I want to at least enjoy it for the 10+ years I'm probably going to be driving it into the ground!  Eventually I ended up with Bergstrom in Oshkosh and a really great guy named Matt (heyo!) who was fantastic to work with.  I went down for a test drive of the model I'd be buying, fell head over heels in love with it, and let him do the rest.  It was only after I left that first day that I realized the divine nature of why I was seemingly drawn to this car.  Let me explain something.

You all know I am cataloging a list of 26 new things to do this year; I squeal about it plenty.  The funny thing about the 2012 Cr-V?  Seeing as this is a leap year, Honda made a wonderful little tie-in called the Leap-List.  And wouldn't you know it, the entire purpose of the Cr-V is to start living your life in a way you hadn't before, by experiencing things you never have before.  And there is something wonderfully serendipitous about that.  (You can check it out for yourself here: http://automobiles.honda.com/leap-list/dashboard/)  I had already made the move to buy the car, so it wasn't like this made me leap (no pun intended) into it because I already had.  But I did think it was funny that I should be drawn to a vehicle during my year of changes, only to find it represents that in and of itself without my influence.  What are the odds?

So I drove her off the lot with a great deal, a great interest rate, and a great experience.  Her color was Urban Titanium, her guts were black, and then it struck me: this gal doesn't have a name!  I was searching my large cranium for a few days before I took the plunge, tossing around names to see which rolled off my tongue better.  I figured Bethel was a great car for a long time, so I might as well stick with the B's.  The rest is history.  Or will be, as it were.

# 8 - A New Partner; ladies and germs, meet Bernice.

Good night readers; see ya on the road!

feeling quite... quiet.

I like to consider myself a champion for change; it is in the back of my mind on a daily basis that nothing ever really stays the same for long.  Change is a central theme in my books, all three of them..  When approached for advice I even preach about it to others.  I think of change as this constant, primal force that cannot REALLY be tamed, nor can it be understood.  That's why I'm always surprised when it kind of rears up and slaps me in the face.

This isn't going to be one of my longer blogs, because in fact I don't have that much to say.  I'm kind of sad right now.  Not for reasons that are directly influenced by other people, it is mostly because of me.  I handle change in a pretty good way, always learning from and then adapting to it.  It's a pretty healthy occurrence because it keeps me sane.  I will admit however that at times, too much change can feel like a bad thing.

In the last two weeks a lot has been changing for me; financial situations, buying a new car, whatever-the-hell is going on in my love life (still not much,) happiness/annoyance with work, etc.  I had been looking forward to the end of April because it was going to bring some fairly massive changes for me.  And not changes in a bad way, but more of a "set me free" way.  Doesn't look like those are going to be happening now and over the last few days as I started to realize it, something else started happening.

The funny thing about feeling sad (I don't want to say depressed because I think it is too strong of a word,) is how you can see the emotion approaching like a storm over the ocean horizon.  Sky is beautiful, birds are singing, but in the distance is this odd sort of haze that is building up.  The haze starts to turn into clouds, and you think "Yikes, what the hell is that all about?"  And then it starts getting closer and you find yourself slipping into old habits; thinking about an ex, listening to sappier music than normal, emotionally connecting to movies and/or tv shows WAY more than usual.  Eventually, that haze and conglomerate of clouds is upon you and you suddenly remember what it is.  How it feels.  And you simply say "oh."

I knew this feeling of being sad/boo-hooey was coming for a little while now.  A lot of shitty things seemed to be rolling down the ramp toward me one after the other and it was reaching a fever pitch the last couple days.  I've been really happy for quite some time now and as change has taught me, all good things must come to an end.  NOT to say that this is going to last, because it won't, but I know I will wallow in my own self-pity for a few days because of it.

What it all boils down to is this; I went to dinner tonight with @Markstyleme and his wonderful partner, Mr. M, and I suddenly realized that I'm sad because I'm single.  Not in the way of me wanting to get back together with the dreaded ex.  God no.  Watching them tonight I was able to look back on the best parts of my last relationship and I was able to really understand what it was about it that I loved.  What I loved was the "ease."  The natural ebb and flow that comes with working so well with another person.  You move, they move; you breathe in, they breathe out.

I know I'm not depressed because I'm happy for the people around me and don't want them to feel the way I do.  I think I also know I'm not depressed because I can freely admit that.

I am over the moon ecstatic for all of my friends and family that are in relationships, because I truly believe they are wonderful things.  I also think that sometimes it really sucks not being in one.  @klreynol called and left me a voicemail tonight (hey girl) because I was being mopey through text messages.  She touched on what I said about being sad that I am single by replying how it is the polar opposite when on the other side of the line.  When you are the only one in a relationship while out with a bunch of single friends, you think about how great it would be to be one of them again.

We all know full well that the grass is always greener on the other side.  This I know; she does too.  And this feeling will pass in quick time, which is why I'm not afraid of it.  I find it funny that I used to look forward to the fall season because with it came this odd sort of depression... which back then I welcomed with open arms because it was a comfortable feeling.  Now I look at being sad as nothing more than annoyance.  I spent a good two years being sad, mostly if not all the time, and I'm ready for this little 'bout to just... you know.  Just fuck off.

I'm off to enjoy some icecream and tv.  With my cats.  Because they love me unconditionally.  Holy shit I'm a loser.  G'night ya'll.