I think all things considered, this has been a pretty shit year. Break ups, moving to multiple places, watching my cat go through some sort of personal hell, hating my job, moving my job, watching things end and begin or begin and then end... just shit. Now with it being the end of the year, I am starting to wonder if these events will end when the clock strikes midnight or will they persist into 2012? I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't. And obviously there isn't a single person out there who can answer because they don't know either.
Lately I've been feeling like I've been running blindly forward, doing the things I need to be doing and not trying to stray no matter how much I want to. It's like I've run this path a million times before, I have yet to run it a million more, but right now the blinders are on and I am headed straight for a goal. I don't know what that goal is. I don't seem to know a lot lately.
What I can describe myself as, at least lately, is someone who is trying too hard. Trying too hard to capture an elusive spark despite it fading continuously. Trying too hard to hold on to some piece of the past that is long gone and has been for a long time, in the hopes that maybe by holding on to it the future will bring it back. Trying to please the people around me but failing to grasp each one individually to make them happy.
I watch the people around me fail so often in the things they set out to do that I tell myself I will be different. I build a reputation out of doing things the right way, doing them the best way, and proving in the process that I am in a kind-of-sort-of way, the best. At what point though do you stand back and realize that you are pushing too hard for some things that just aren't going to change? Or, rather, things that will change but have not yet reached a stage where they are ready to. Take an egg from the heat of of a hen too soon and you have nothing but yolk. Strain your noodles from the boiling water without waiting and find they are still tough and somewhat hard.
Can the same be said for thrusting a person into circumstances once familiar and yet completely different before they know they are ready, only to have it end in their own misery?
The only answer I can come up with is stay tuned. Am I ready to give up on the things I have been working and trying for? No, not really. But I am reaching a point where I am losing sight of that goal, whatever it was, and considering slowing down. Couldn't hurt... maybe it could. Guess we'll see.
