the february update

Guh, what a month.  Snow, cold, snow, cold, rain, fog, and I'm still single.  Clearly one of these is not like the other but I think you get the picture either way.  Y'know I don't really have a reason to write these monthly updates aside from the desire to write SOMETHING for you to read and the desire for ME to give myself some goals.  We start small, yes?  Then you pull a Leeloo Dallas and "bada-boom!  Big bada-big boom!" get the hell outta dodge.

Sadly I won't be getting the hell outta dodge anytime soon, but that's alright.  For now I tinker away at the little things that will eventually lead to it and then someday, who knows?

February was a bust.  Not as much of a bust as January but it was still a bust.  The month started out with a whole bunch of silly anxiety over the premier of "26 Golden Things," and then it kind of went the way these winter months tend to go.  Poopy.  The premier was a blast (making that anxiety very silly in hindsight) but then I didn't really have anything else to look forward to this month.

Of course I then returned to editing my first book, abandoned on the side of the road like a bastard child when I found better things to do.  I actually love the editing process, I really do.  The great thing this time around was that it had been almost three years since I even read my first book let alone worked on it, and that old adage is soooo so true about setting something down and coming back to it later.  You know notice all kinds of mistakes, great ideas, grammar errors, brilliant bits of dialogue, and of course the use of too many commas.  I think the biggest challenge was getting rid of commas and telling myself "Sean, it's ok to not put in a comma in every single sentence you write."

I'm sure you're looking for commas now.  Don't worry, I'll keep using them.  I JUST DID IT!

So I print off my book, I take a red pen, and I go to town.  Usually it is pretty relaxing because I sit in Starbucks for a few hours a day maybe three times a week and I just let it flow.  It's a chance to really see how the work fits together and to fix the things you either know NEEDED to be fixed or just, y'know... should be fixed because they suck.  It's amazing how much you grow up over the years in terms of what looks good on paper, and seeing as I started writing this puppy back in August of 2000, I've grown up.

Once I've finished with the red pen it is time to make the changes to the master copy in the computer.  And for the most part, again, that is a fun little task.  Until I get to pages like what you see above and do a very firm face-palm-cringe at my notes.  Sometimes my notes don't even make sense, lol, or I'll forget to cross out the part of a sentence I was replacing.  So it isn't necessarily a "find the word here and change it there" situation, I actually have to pay attention.  But when all is said and done I have completed another edit and for a while, the book is exactly as I want it to be... knowing full well it will never REALLY be exactly as I want it to be.  Sometimes I wonder how many times I've rewritten the same sentence, going back and forth between the same words everytime because I think it'd sound better that way ::shrugs::

Well today I did finish the edit and took one step closer to one of my New Year's resolutions (publication.)  @roamingmo put me in touch with a friend of hers who is an editor and reads these things for a living, so we'll see what she says.  Or how it goes.  Whichever, really, because it's the first step I've ever taken to truly doing something with my work.  Cross your eyes for me!  Or your fingers, I don't care!

Now focus turns to Book II and the fairly... massive undertaking that involves.  Book I is kind of the median book, even though it's first in the line up, because II is the longest and III is the shortest.  You can see the size variance below.

I get exhausted just looking at it; that's what editing is for!  Tally-ho!

What else happened in February?  To keep this blog short, not a lot.  A friendship grew much stronger and a bit deeper than I'd have initially thought, work continued to be a joy for me, I had a great photoshoot with @caitcd, I was still single on Valentine's Day but did get one Valentine from someone that made it all ok with me, met with my realtor to get the ball rolling on buying a house, aaaaaand I ended the month by shaving with a real razor and not the beard trimmer.

Is this a new trend?  I don't know!  Stay tuned for the March update and we'll discover it together (c:

I suppose the only note that really matters is this: right now, I'm happy.  Ciao kiddos!

doubting the lines

I think we are all inherently out to hurt ourselves.  For the most part it probably isn't intentional but it happens all the same.  We let ourselves down all the time whether it be from our expectations not being fulfilled by a movie, that meal not tasting as great as we thought it would, or that person not filling the void we felt they needed to.  We set ourselves up for failure because it's what we just... do.

There is a deep pride I hold in myself in my ability to read people; I can know in the first five minutes of meeting a person if I am going to like them or not.  NOT to say I know everything there is to know about a person right from the off, but that I know if I will like them and I have a great sense of belief in my abilities when it comes to that.  The startling contradiction is how I doubt myself so much when it comes to other people meeting me.  The show I put on for them can, at times, be exhausting.

Why do I do this?  I wish I knew.

Sometimes I feel the people I meet just need to laugh, so I make them laugh.  Other times the people I meet might need to think about the choices facing them, so I'll put some thought-provoking ideas in their minds.  I cheer people up, I make people sad (if the situation calls for it,) and overall I mold myself and adapt to any situation.  That's the cleverness of me.  But when is it enough?  I don't know if it ever will be.

The Zodiac says of Capricorns that we are great givers, and that to have one of us in your life is very special.  We only share what we want to share and to get a Capricorn to do so is a privilege indeed.  The Chinese Zodiac says the same thing about people born in the year of the Ox (technically the Wood Oxen,) that they are unyielding in their patience and a great asset to any arsenal of friends/loved ones.  If it's written in the stars and I try to be a proponent of fate and the millions of things beyond my control, why can't I see that?  I dunno.

I can't help but think about what Stephen Chbosky wrote in The Perks of Being a Wallflower: "we accept the love we think we deserve."  Do you think it's true?  I suppose I do but it's admittedly a tough pill to swallow.  Others see the good in us, they see the inspiration and the creativty and the many fabulous things that make us individuals, but we don't.  We see struggle... and doubt... and pain... and maybe a dash of uncertainty.  Maybe that's just me though.

Could be that that's why I write books; in my books, I'm God.  If you control the characters then you control the dialogue, and if you control the dialogue you certainly control the intent of the dialogue.  It's a control freak's wet dream!  I've written so many conversations and so many "thought bubbles" that I feel I might know everything there is to know about reading between the lines. There is always something subtly shared, a soft echo of a previous conversation or even a hint at where things could lead in the future.

Applying that skill to real life isn't amounting to much more than a little bit of pain lately.  Not so much pain in my head, and certainly not pain in my legs, arms or limbs in general.  But a soft sort of pain in my heart that is not immediatly bad, for it reminds me I can still feel, but not so fast at being good as... it reminds me that I can still feel.  A conundrum, to be sure.  The lesson to be learned here is sometimes people tell you things the way they are and there isn't much room to interpret it for anything else.  That not everything is laced with an ulterior motive or a secret meaning just waiting and begging to be discovered.

Much to my dismay, actually.

It's a difficult choice and one to never be taken lightly when one decides to stop reading between the lines.  Can it be done?  Who the hell knows; not this guy.  Maybe not any of you either, my readers of such rhetorical questions that never get an answer either way.  I wish I could just let go and allow things to happen the way they can/should/will/won't happen, but that just isn't me.  I'm the planner and the over-thinker, the whiner and the bolsterer, all wrapped up in one.  Would you have figured that out about me if we just met?  Doubtful.  But like the picture way up top says, nothing is ever what it seems and read between the lines.

Off to bed, sorry for the rambler.  Ciao ciao.

the premier

It felt like it took an eternity to get here.  Really, it did, and I'm not just saying that because it took me more than a full week to write this stupid thing.  Aside from that I don't mean just in terms of time but in emotion as well. Personal growth, the prowess of personal inspiration, success through sheer will... yadda yadda.  I knew from day one that eventually I would hitch up the saddle and march the finished product of the "26 Golden Things" into the public eye but there were more than enough moments that left me thinking it would never come.  When it eventually did, I was a mixed bag of emotions.  George Lucas once said "Films aren't finished, they're abandoned," and it's true.  I could have worked on this project forever; new pictures seem to pop of continuously from 2012 that I would have loved to include but to wait around would be to delay.  While I am such a fan of delaying things, I knew the time had come to sign, seal, and deliver it.  So I did.

The road to a venue that would screen the project was a little bumpy.  At first I approached movie theaters in the area to see what sort of options there were available.  That one quickly was tossed out the window for two reasons, 1) It would have to be early on a Saturday and 2) The cost even at the CHEAP SEATS was $300.  Get bent!  I turned to a couple banquet halls but that just wasn't feasible either, as I'd have to find a projector to rent, etc.  I spent a lot of money last year.  A lot.  I went from being debt-free to "whoops, you're in debt."  And while most of that debt was spent on myself and funding the antics that make this video what it is, it still happened.  So when I say "I'd already spent too much money," I am fully aware it wasn't on the majority of you.  But it was still spent and I was still tired of spending it.  So I called in a favor.

Ryan, the owner/creator/photographer/main dude/a good friend at Ash & Ember (check them out: http://www.facebook.com/ashandember ) had always been in my mind as the owner of a perfect venue.  His studio is in downtown Menasha and truly is a great space for all sorts of creative things (fashion shows, photoshoots, premiers...) Me being me, I had neglected to ask him.  I'm weird about asking for favors, generally because I don't like cashing them in and I also don't like feeling I owe anyone anything.  But we had worked together a few times before so I approached him about the premier and he was so fantastic with his response of "FUCK YEA" (I may be exaggerating,) which lead to us talking and figuring out the details.  The project was originally supposed to premier in January but scheduling conflicts with the bests (who obviously needed to be present) pushed it back a bit to February.

I was disappointed I would have to wait that long because I just wanted to get it over with, but in the same respect I was relieved because it gave me more time to mentally prepare for it.  I'm a big mental preparer-er for those of you who don't know me at all.  In the week or two before the premier I bought DVD's to burn the project, and the stickers to cover the DVD's (above) and make them look fancy as hell.  Then I waited.  And the day drew closer and closer and sooner rather than later it was here.  And I was sick to my stomach.

I spent the day of the premier with my best @klreynol, which was great because she was the first of the bests and we don't get to see each other much outside of the job we share, so to be together on such a big day was important.  We went to lunch, and I fretted over the premier.  Then we went and bought goodies to put together the grab-bags.  And I fretted.  Then we drove out to the manor and assembled the grab bags, and I fretted some more.  I don't think at any point did I stop thinking about the pendulum swinging above my head.  You can chuckle and say I'm being dramatic, but showing off something like this... a piece of work that took a year and countless hours to finess... it's scary.  I have no problem admitting that I was scared.

Once we were at the studio I did that thing where you know you're in full on panic mode but you don't know what to do; I let my fingers get ice cold and started pacing.  And by pacing I mean "act like you are doing something important and keep leaving the room."  I suppose my biggest fear of the night was that the video wouldn't play, and that was quickly abolished because it played very well from the projector and the image was better than I had anticipated.  People started showing up pretty quickly after that and I felt the control slowly slipping from my hands.  My cold and probably sweaty hands, to clarify.

After a few cups of champagne and greetings to the individual guests, I was politely (re: forcefully) reminded a couple times by @roamingmo that it was 7:45 and time to get the show rolling.  Everyone took their seats and I stood up to start my chat:

There were just under 40 people there so I think I did pretty well all things considered.  My only other big speech had been at @klreynol's wedding and it went better for a couple reasons, chief among them because I had practiced it but also because I didn't know many people in the room.

It's a lot different getting up in front of your friends, family, and co-workers.  Trust me.

Everyone is there because they know you, many of them love you, a good portion trust you, and a few probably think you're kind of an asshole.  Fair is fair, right?  Just being honest.  But then I started talking and as the words were leaving my mouth I felt like being 26 was finally slipping away from me.  This huge and incredible year of life... of my life... was really over.  The reality of the situation was that I never wanted it to end.  I tried to tell myself that you could make your life what you wanted it to be, and that's true, you can.  I didn't realize how hard it would slap me in the face when it was over.  What next?  Where do you go?  That all made me lose my train of thought a couple times and it was miraculous that I finished rambling off my speech without crying (came close once.) When it was done I quickly dropped onto a white sofa with my best @markstyleme at my side.  When I heard the opening notes of crickets and crackling firewood that accompany my video, I started to cry.

I didn't really stop crying for most of the film, though it wasn't the sort of crying you'd think.  I've watched the video no less than a couple hundred times, pouring over it and editing it and changing it and tinkering with it like a mad scientist.  But watching it in that room, huge on the wall in front of me, seeing my choices, my actions, my thoughts, my wishes, the people I love and the memories I'll carry with me forever... it felt like I was seeing it for the first time.  Really seeing it.  And that made the entire project worth it.

When it was over... when M83's "Outro" finished with it's final notes and it was just me in a white shirt and blue vest waving goodbye to an audience I hoped was truly captive, I didn't know what to do.  A smattering of applause started.  @markstyleme pushed me to get up and then the applause really started.  And they didn't stop as quickly as I thought they would, they continued.  And there was cheering and some whooping and maybe a few tears on a few faces who didn't think I'd notice (I always notice when I make one of you fuckers cry, don't ever forget that.)  I took my bow and explained that that was all, but people sat and stared.  And I didn't really know what else to do, honestly.  Maybe I should have planned a song and dance?  Bent over and shot fireworks out of my ass?  Seemed like that would have been a fitting end; "I did that, and now watch THIS!"

I wanted the project to be something more than images of a pretty face (see picture above (obviously.)) I wanted it to be meaningful and have an effect on the people who saw it, and it did.  Or at least they said it did.  The last minute addition I made was the tagline "get inspired."  Short and simple, you get the message; take a look at what I did, hold on to it, and build off of it.  I've always been one to take the creative ideas of another person and build on them, making them into something of my own.  And in a digital age, I welcome any of you to do the same to me.  Just give me credit when you do (c;

When the night was over and people were leaving after gradually giving me the hugs and accolades I hadn't expected, it was then just me and the close-knit group I've come to surround myself with.  We went out for drinks and celebrated, one great new friend and a few favorite oldies, and then the night was over.  It didn't really happen the way I thought it would, and it certainly didn't happen the way I feared it would, but maybe that was the best part?  After a year of being in complete control, I think the final lesson for "26 Golden Things" was to be able to let go and release one of my creations to the world.

How else will I get published this year?