the november update

So I started November with a status update that read "Guh, November.  Ya hate it, right?"  And I must have cast a spelled with those words because the month was over before I knew it.  Really... it went by so fast I have no idea where the time went.  You can tell it surprised Sophia as well; she took a brief moment to stop sleeping on my fucking pillow to say "Wa-HAY, it's over!"  What's funny is that I kept notes of what I did this month (surprise!) and when I sat down to write this puppy I kept reading them and going "Oh yeah, that happened.  Oh, yes, that did as well," but if you asked me to think about the time they each took it's just surprising to me.  That's all.

I like to think October that wraps up Fall but really I suppose it is November (sigh,) or at least this year it was.  Usually Thanksgiving falls just a teensy bit sooner in the month so with it being almost at the bitter end of it this year, it REALLY kicks off the holiday shopping season.  The annoying thing about it is that people didn't really start buying Christmas gifts too much this month (I speak for my own store, no one else's, natch) and instead fell back to what they usually fall back on; Black Friday.  Now for all the stress it causes Black Friday should be a holiday in and of itself, from all of the stress it invokes in people.  And really it's like a bandaid, the sooner it comes the sooner you realize it isn't THAT big of a deal.

But this year with the holiday falling so late you suddenly had everyone screaming "Oh SHIT, Christmas is less than four weeks away!"  Somehow they feel they have less time to shop this year than they did before because, y'know, you can't start shopping for gifts until 8pm on Thanksgiving day.

Oh wait, that's just crap they want for themselves.

The month started with me throwing all of my Christmas decorations up right away.  Technically it started with a trip to Lambeau Field with Miss T to see the traveling exhibit of Superman costumes (check it out, Caramello,) but I digress.

Ok, wait.  I'm lying again.  The month actually started with me singing karaoke in public for the first time ever.  I don't count that mess I was in Chicago when I was 18 and trying to sing AC/DC at the Hard Rock Cafe.  I was also dressed as Superman for this.  At the point pictured below, I was probably singing "Sweet Transvestite" and bringing the house down ::tosses hair::

Again, I digress.

With Christmas decor I figured why the hell not; you don't get much time with them, I live alone, and they make me happy.  And that's logic ya just can't argue with!  It was nice to go through all of the decorations I have and pitch a few, but to also see the things I've collected over the last couple years in one place at the same time.  It feels homey but different seeing as I don't have a full-sized tree this year.  There just isn't the space for it and I'm not one to cram it in the corner just to make a point.

I do have a little silver tree I made last year and finally finished a month ago, and it's all I need for the symbolism of the holiday.  Because of course there are the scattered ornaments, the lights, faux snow and a few well-places garlands and wreaths to gimme the rest of those feelings.  I do what I can.  I did make a fun tree (seen above) from an idea I stole from the Beekman1802 website.  I bought those icicle ornaments maybe four years ago, and then the following year bought more and decided to mimic the way they had displayed them at the time in their store (photo was online.)  So I cut off the top of my parents tree after the holiday had wrapped up and let it die outside in the sun throughout the year.  When Fall came, I pulled all of the pine needles off and then spray painted the whole thing white and silver.

Then I got lazy and never finished it until this Fall when I finally cemented it in a galvanized pot so I could display it en mi casa.  And if the ends justify the means then no one has room to complain.  Right?  Right!  Betcha didn't know I knew Spanish, either!  #pequito

I did get a ton of writing done this month and that's always something I am happy about.  I'm a little amazed that I started AND finished a major edit for each of my three books within a 12 month period.  I shouldn't jinx it because I still have about two chapters to go on the third book, but that is the final steps of editing and not the "sit down and cross stuff out with a red pen" steps.  I hit a small detour because I realized the climax of the book is a piece of poop and it needs to be fixed fairly badly.  In the past I thought "bigger is better" so I ended the first book with a pretty decent climax, the second with an AMAZING one, and then the third with this kinda... sad, lonely look at things that really leaves the viewer a little angry with it.

So the goal was to take what I have and expand it.  Add a little excitement, a few more explosions (you can NEVER have too many (maybe you can (not in my world you can't (until you can,))) and a little more drama to get the reader invested once more.  It's just about there and in a week or less it will certainly be there, and I can't wait.  Because ::drumroll please::: when the edit is finished I can move on to something really exciting, but until I get it done, I can't say ::drumroll stops::.  On this I shall not jinx myself.  Just know something HUMONGOUS is probably/most likely coming in December and you're gonna want to know about it when it does.

Hope THAT got your intrigue!

The Saturday before Thanksgiving this year was the fifth annual Apple Pie Contest @caitcd hosts every year, and it was also my fourth consecutive time judging.  Not that I pride myself on it (I do) but it's always a fun night and one I look forward to every year.  @markstyleme was able to partake in the judging this year and took it verrrrry seriously but even he was cracking up during the judging process.  I can't say it enough; after a couple tastes of pie you start identifying which ones are super good and which ones are super bad.  This year there were a record 19 pies entered, and we don't only take ONE bite when we judge them, we take two.  That's a lot of fucking pie!  Eventually you are cracking up over how some taste and then getting wide-eyes as a group when you bite into the fantastic ones.  @klreynol was there for the third year in a row and she was also the third place winner this year, so it was a great evening for all.

And aside from all of that, it's the one time I get to pull out my "I'm Judging You" pin and have people go "Oh, the PIES, he's judging our PIES!"  To which I nod enthusiastically and with a subtle wink.  Not too subtle though.

Then came the Parker Family Thanksgiving the next day, held a few days early due to scheduling conflicts that you only really encounter as a family once in a while for the important stuff.  At first I was really moody about the whole thing because as a family we have always celebrated Thanksgiving on the day of and NEVER at another time; what I found was that the holiday is fine being celebrated at any other time because what is important is being together with family.  And not necessarily getting drunk on wine the day of, part of it from canned wine (yes, canned wine (with a straw (boom.)))

Not that I got drunk on wine...

Couple days later and we come to the Appleton Christmas Parade, to which I now go every year and wonder about half-way through each year why I came again.  This time in particular it was freezing cold, but I had Miss T and her husband J there and it was both of their first times at the parade, respectively.  As usual the enormous flatbed of hot air balloon baskets pulling their jets was a crowd pleaser and it certainly heated us up.  So did the Bailey's in my coffee thermos but that was a secret very few were in on.

Thanksgiving itself was spent with the Reynold's family and it was the second time this year I was included in their festivities (the first being Easter when my parents were in Indiana.)  It was great getting to spend the holiday with my best friend and her family.  I suppose as we grow older we find that traditions begin to die out from they always were, and then it's time to make new ones.  We would all do to grow a little from changes like this.  And to be honest, having two huge meals in a week and getting to enjoy your life a smidgen more makes everything okay in the end.  I also got to indulge in Pecan Pie twice this year so let me rub my growing belly and smile about that too.

@klreynol and I took a picture to send to our co-workers and I felt it only appropriate to cross my eyes.

Am I getting a butt-chin?  Oh, I am?  Well... does it at least make me look distinguished?

Perfect.

So what else happened in November?  Started singing to nearly every song I know in lieu of more karaoke fun to come, made a whole gaggle of new friends and called to rest a discrepancy with an old one.  Saw Thor 2 (waaay better than the original,) saw Catching Fire (waaay better than the original,) and finally got caught up on all of my TV shows.  Learned I suck at working with pastry dough, can't stop drinking Eggnog until the carton is gone, and apparently a) can't impress people I'm not interested in to begin with and b) can't be impressed by people I thought I may be interested in and then wasn't.  Finished another Harry Potter book, got nostalgic about things I can't change and wouldn't want to, decided to keep growing my hair out, and succesfully completed my NINTH Black Friday in retail!

Huzzah, wench!

Bring on December, baked goodies, and the music!  The sweet, sweet MUSIC!  Ciao!

Updated!!!!!

I was at Miss T's on the 30th for a holiday gathering she was hosting and I was in the midst of conversation in her living room.  At one point I was talking to my friend Kyle and her old-lady cat jumped up ont he tv stand.  Kyle casually says "Careful Jetty, don't light your tail on fire."

Jetty promptly dropped the end of her tail in a burning candle; her tail LITERALLY released a small burst of flames.  Kyle screamed and smacked it, snuffing said fire and igniting my annoying, uncontrollable laughter.  Happy November!

holiday time: solo (this) time

When Halloween hits I'm just friggin' done with fall.  Much like I'm friggin' done when I hit the bottom of an ice-cream sundae and there's nothing left (I can't save me from myself,) Halloween is the culmination of fall for me and it is also the final door opening to Christmas time!

Screw Thanksgiving, I really don't care about it; it's the 25th of December I choose to set my sights on.

This year I actually packed up 95% of my Halloween crap a few days before Halloween even hit because I didn't want to look at it anymore.  I kept a few things out for the holiday but that was about it (plus the pumpkins I carved, ooooobviously.)  Then I started bringing in the boxes of Christmas decorations the day after.  Most of it was from Pottery Barn last year, things I'd picked up because they were super cheap, but there were three large boxes from when I lived with Ken.

Yes, I said it, "Ken."  There's no longer a nickname or "my ex," he has a name and I can be a big boy and use it.  Not like I'm gonna say it and then look over to see him hovering outside my second floor office window with glowing eyes.

::notgonnalooknotgonnalooknotgonnalook::

I didn't think anything of the boxes when I was bringing them inside from the garage.  I figured I'd probably have a twinge of nostalgia going through the stuff but really, we only lived together for two Christmas seasons (dated through three) so it couldn't be anything too bad.  I was really burning rubber in getting through decorating, tearing my closet apart in the process and pitching an absolute ton of crap I didn't want/need/know why I kept.  I must say, in my experience, I find it is only when you are succeeding at something proficiently that you're most often and quite suddenly thrown backward.

I found this picture; I'm posting it because I feel like I have to, in a way.  I'll explain later.

It wasn't lying on top of a pile of stuff, it was instead tucked into an old Christmas card.  I save everything and as a result I tend to save holiday cards for a year so I know who sent one to me before and who I should send to in return.  The cards were another beast all together, the well wishes and warm thoughts to "Sean & Ken" repeatedly lashing my eyes as I read them.

I had to sit down.  Sorta looked around the apartment not knowing what to feel, and then I just... felt it. I let it hit me.

The picture was taken December 25th, 2010, and you can see for yourself on the bottom right corner.  We were at my sister's house for celebrating and it had been a marathon day.  I'd finally given in that year to go all the way up north to Ken's parents house for Christmas Eve and it was a pretty great trip all things considered.  I remember the drive north in particular because I opened at Express super early that day and my hands were sooooo dry and cracked that they were nearly blistering.  I remember putting lotion on my hands and pouting about how bad they burned, and then Ken held my hand all the way up because he thought it'd make me happy.

And it did make me happy... one of those simple gestures you overlook in everyday life but in hindsight meant something so much more.  We'd just gotten through our year of infidelity (our year, because it took two to tango) and felt as if we had come out of it stronger than ever.  We'd fallen back in love against all odds we would and it was just... good.  In a word I will say it was "good."  Not great, because that would be over doing it, but we were good.  We were happy.

After spending the night with his parents, we left early in the morning to drive back to our home in Wrightstown where we opened our gifts for each other.  Then we were off to Greenville for the Parker family celebration, and when gifts were opened and the meal was finished, that picture was taken.  I look at my face and can't help but wish I knew then what I know now.  We were going through the loan process before buying a house and I was weeks away from proposing to him.  All of this stuff... all of these "steps" you think you have to take to prove to a person you're in it for the long haul.  No one could have predicted at that point it would end the way it did, because we'd already gotten through all of that. The cheating and lying and blahblahblah.  2011 was bringing a fresh start and we were both riding the train to Happytown.

It's been nearly three years since we called off the engagement, told the realtor we couldn't buy the house we'd signed the papers for, and parted ways.  It's been nearly two years since I deleted the pictures of us from the hard drive, tossed the letters, cards and notes in the trash, and decided to put my best foot forward in moving on from all of it.  When I moved out on my own this spring I found a few tidbits from our relationship because when I originally packed up from Wrightstown, there were things I was not yet ready to part with.  I wasn't ready to part with him in the "finite" way I should have.  Posting the picture above forces me to not run from it anymore, or not "it" but "him."  It forces me not to run from him as a faceless entity because there is no point to do so.  Not anymore at least.

What's funny to me about all of this is how much I can remember when I simply decide to.  Me and my freak memory, hard at work.  Ken loved Christmas as much as I did, encouraging me to play Christmas music in the car in October when we were running errands for our Halloween party.  Asking if we could watch The Grinch in early November just to get in the mood.  We'd have bought a tree earlier than the weekend after Thanksgiving each year if the lots were open but they never were.

The holidays used to get me down in a certain way but they were better when I was in a relationship.  I'm a nostalgic person and this is a nostalgic season that calls up all of the memories of years before and what they meant to you as an individual.  The last two years I've been living with family during the holidays so it really hasn't hit me in any way other than "Shucks, I don't have anyone to go to sleep with at night."

Living on my own is a little different in that regard.  Suddenly I realize just how alone I actually am.  I'm not going to rush out and bag me a man or anything like that but still, it'd be nice to just fall into something with someone and call it good.  Alas, I'm picky.

Things were really great with Ken and they were that way for a very long time.  It's so easy to look back on something like what we had and only see the ending and the pain it caused, but really, where does that get you?  We all hurt and we all get kicked down... I suppose it's really left up to us if we choose to climb back to our feet.  It took me a while but eventually I did make the choice to do so.

Finding the cards and the picture today absolutely sucked and there is no way around that.  It was the rush in the gut that reminds you of something that once was and it makes you feel sick to your stomach with just how much it is completely and unnequivocally gone.

Gone.

Do I miss him?  Yes.  I can say so without feeling any shame; I can say so without even batting an eye.  You don't ever really stop loving someone, especially when they were your first "great" love.  You don't get more than one of those... and once it's happened, that's it.  It's with you forever.  You can be angry with how it ended and you can curse the heavens and anyone else who will listen, but what's done is done and there's never any going back.  Not in that regard, at least.  Sometimes I'd like to tell him that, other times I roll my eyes and say good riddance, but for the most part I'm filled with a complacent feeling in my heart.

I learned a lot.  Good and bad, but I still learned.  And maybe when someone makes it through the barricade of walls/moats/barbed wire/ice/fire around my heart, it'll be the best relationship I've ever had.  They'll show up, smile, and show me why it never worked with anyone else, most of all Ken.  I suppose having the optimism to look forward to that moment is what saves me from being jilted and bitter.  Until then, I don't see a problem in being nostalgic.

It is the holiday season, after all.  Ciao gang (c: