I think I've used that quote before. And for a lack of ambition, I'm gonna save myself some time and not check. But I feel it applies to this situation because in the end, it's a choice. More on that later, but hey, if it fits, it sits!
Or so my cats seem to believe.
I think people (or at least certain individuals) mistakenly take my blogs and openness in general as a sign that I'm unable to keep anything to myself. Be it to keep a secret, to keep a truth, to keep any sort of experience private, etc. I believe those same people are in for a rude awakening when it comes to this kind of situation. Last year I shared a little too much with the people around me when it came to dating Scout. "He said (insert example here) so what does that mean?" "He did (insert example here) yesterday so what does THAT mean?" "Help me, he's confusing!"
I needed constant validation that I wasn't wasting my time with him, and in the end, I was still wasting it. The great thing about Eric (hereafter referred to as E) is that I don't need validation. I'm an adult, I can make my own decisions, and lately I know (for a change) that maybe they are finally the right ones. So in regards to me not needing validation, I also will not be writing about him much save for this one, singular blog. Every now and then I want one thing to just be mine, y'know? To not have to share it with people, to not provide my deepest and most sacred thoughts surrounding it. I just want it to be mine, for me, and not for anyone else. In this case, for myself and E.
I'm not going to share what happened on our first date, when the first kiss was, when we held hands for the first time, because none of that information is pertinent. If any of it is at all. What I WILL share is what my thought process has been over the last few weeks. I honestly haven't discussed E very much with people, be it my bests or anyone else, because to do so would be to over analyze (something I'm great at) and I don't want that this time. I've only really ever been in one serious relationship and it lasted for three years. I find myself looking back at the inception of that relationship and wondering why it actually made it off the ground to sub-orbital flight, and it comes down to the fact I had no one to really talk to about it.
@klreynol lived in Michigan and we didn't talk a ton. @caitcd and I had not reconnected yet after high school and wouldn't for another year. @markstyleme lived in Madison, so I didn't have him either. Thus, I kept my thoughts to myself and worked out problems on my own. And y'know what? It worked. Sometimes I feel like I need to escape my head to sort out the mess, but the reality is that I alone know how to solve my own problems the best way and in this case, it meant shutting my mouth.
I could draw all sorts of parallels of how this is starting with E to my relationship with Ken if I wanted to. And while I don't want to, at the same time it's me and that's just what I do naturally. I use metaphors and simili's and analogies, finding any hint of recognition or similarity to any event that has come before and trying to decode the secrets of some clandestine fate.
With Ken it started in April of 2008. Well... I suppose technically we started speaking in March, but the first date was in April. This one was as well. He and I had spent a few weeks talking on the phone at first, also casually getting to know each other by texting and online chats through Yahoo! Messenger. This time has been the same, though they have really just been small daily conversations through phone calls and all-day conversations through text. No Yahoo! Messenger this time around (do people still use that anyway?). E and I weren't sharing anything too revealing in our conversations, instead keeping them fun and lighthearted in order to save the bigger (re: important) topics for in-person chats.
Ken and I met through a dating website. Technically a hookup site, but still a website. E and I met in person. Initially it was a very loooooong time ago (before I knew Ken,) then randomly over the years, and more recently when he asked me out in person. Our first date in 2008 had been on a rainy Saturday where nothing went as planned; this one was a sunny Friday where everything went as smoothly as it possibly could.
Now, these are quite subtle differences and right from the off, they don't mean much. They didn't mean anything the first time around six years ago, they certainly don't mean anything this time around. But when it boils down to it I know how my last relationship ended; maybe with this one starting on a different foot (a "better" foot if you will) it'll be the difference needed? I don't know and frankly I don't really want to know. I could be holding on to a fool's hope but it's a hope all the same, and it is my hope. I haven't been hopeful for a long while so there's really nothing wrong in indulging is there?
With Ken it started in April of 2008. Well... I suppose technically we started speaking in March, but the first date was in April. This one was as well. He and I had spent a few weeks talking on the phone at first, also casually getting to know each other by texting and online chats through Yahoo! Messenger. This time has been the same, though they have really just been small daily conversations through phone calls and all-day conversations through text. No Yahoo! Messenger this time around (do people still use that anyway?). E and I weren't sharing anything too revealing in our conversations, instead keeping them fun and lighthearted in order to save the bigger (re: important) topics for in-person chats.
Ken and I met through a dating website. Technically a hookup site, but still a website. E and I met in person. Initially it was a very loooooong time ago (before I knew Ken,) then randomly over the years, and more recently when he asked me out in person. Our first date in 2008 had been on a rainy Saturday where nothing went as planned; this one was a sunny Friday where everything went as smoothly as it possibly could.
Now, these are quite subtle differences and right from the off, they don't mean much. They didn't mean anything the first time around six years ago, they certainly don't mean anything this time around. But when it boils down to it I know how my last relationship ended; maybe with this one starting on a different foot (a "better" foot if you will) it'll be the difference needed? I don't know and frankly I don't really want to know. I could be holding on to a fool's hope but it's a hope all the same, and it is my hope. I haven't been hopeful for a long while so there's really nothing wrong in indulging is there?
Sometimes I can't help but look at myself and think "what the hell do you know about dating?" In the same regard, I can't help but look back on myself six years ago when I last embarked on this journey and think "well what the hell did you know about dating?" Through a lot of trials and tribulations (re: shitstorms) I made it work once before, and maybe this time if the chemicals are just right I can make it work all over again. Because that's what love is, right? Just a bunch of chemicals telling us what is good and what isn't? Up from down, yadda yadda?
I wish I understood it more than I do, but then where would the fun in that be? Where would the mystery of "love" be? I'm not in love with E... I'm smitten, of course, but I'm not in love because though we are approaching one month, that would be too fast. I suppose the big difference with Sean in 2014 and Sean in 2008 is a lot more caution and patience. I haven't been in a hurry to fall in love since it ended with Ken, and I'm still not in a hurry now.
And though I'm not in a hurry, I am ready. I don't want to get those two things mixed up. If this heads toward love, faaaaaantastic. If it doesn't, well... alright and that's okay too. It wouldn't be great but it certainly wouldn't be the end of the world. It's just another lesson learned and an even more weathered eye on the horizon for the next time. I realize maybe love just isn't in the cards for some people. Not love itself, but maybe the aspect of being "in" love.
Wouldn't it be great though if I could just win at something like this for a change, only to sit back and watch the world melt away in the aftermath of a kiss that leaves me breathless?
I wish I understood it more than I do, but then where would the fun in that be? Where would the mystery of "love" be? I'm not in love with E... I'm smitten, of course, but I'm not in love because though we are approaching one month, that would be too fast. I suppose the big difference with Sean in 2014 and Sean in 2008 is a lot more caution and patience. I haven't been in a hurry to fall in love since it ended with Ken, and I'm still not in a hurry now.
And though I'm not in a hurry, I am ready. I don't want to get those two things mixed up. If this heads toward love, faaaaaantastic. If it doesn't, well... alright and that's okay too. It wouldn't be great but it certainly wouldn't be the end of the world. It's just another lesson learned and an even more weathered eye on the horizon for the next time. I realize maybe love just isn't in the cards for some people. Not love itself, but maybe the aspect of being "in" love.
Wouldn't it be great though if I could just win at something like this for a change, only to sit back and watch the world melt away in the aftermath of a kiss that leaves me breathless?
It's what I want. It is my choice to be happy again, not anyone else's. Mine. I want to feel the earth drop away from me, I want the jet of a relationship to make it off the ground and not only reach that elusive suborbital flight, but maybe rocket through the stratosphere as well. There really isn't anything like that feeling... I've had it before and I want it again. I want to feel inspired and adored and loved, and not just by a friend or a family member but by that one person. That special person I feel the same way about, reciprocated through and through. My guy.
Lift off.
Here's to fresh starts, magical kisses, and the ability to hope once more.
Toodles gang (c:
Lift off.
Here's to fresh starts, magical kisses, and the ability to hope once more.
Toodles gang (c:
