the january update: third edition

Can you believe I'm on my third year now of writing these monthly updates?

Christ, get a hobby, right?

2015 started with some pretty high hopes and I'm pleased to say that 31 days in, I'm still fairly hopeful.  January sort of handed me a couple bitch slaps coming from a few different directions but I'm still standing and that's all that matters.  Unfortunately this time around I can't say "I've dealt with this before," because for the most part it was stuff I had never before figured out on my own.  But I shouldered through it and in the end that's what counts.

Work is hard.  Love is easy.  Why did it take me so long to figure that out?  To realize it's not the other way around?  I always thought work was the thing that came as second nature to me and I could just do it with my eyes closed.  Maybe not for the first several months at my current job, but eventually I got the hang of it and at this point I can do anything you ask me to there.  With love, I felt the opposite.  With my track record it hardly ever works out for me; I struggle to find a middle ground with people and end up getting so annoyed with them (or myself) that I just cut ties and leave it in the dust.

I forgot how when you meet the right person, everything just clicks like magic and suddenly love becomes as easy as breathing.  You're probably wondering what this has to do with a monthly update and I'm getting to it.

Geeze!

I thought when Christmas was over and the holidays wrapped up, my job would be easier.  December really wore me down, both in spirit and health, and I was so looking forward to a calm January that would allow me to regroup my self-esteem, rally around and come back full-force.  That didn't happen.

For starters I kept getting sick.  There was a triumphant return of what ailed me in December, a couple other nasties to boot, and then influenza to cap it off.  I'm sure a lot of my sickness(es) had to do with work and the constant stress and pressure I was/am under, and maybe it's only coincidental that I started healing up as the problems started clearing out.  Who knows?  What I do know is it got bad enough I had to call into work for the first time in a year.

Coincidentally, it was the same week I called in with the flu last year.  And the year before, though thankfully this bout didn't involve puking or any other sort of projectiles from my body aside from snot.

You're welcome.

And the grievances things with work varied.  My staff was burnt out from the holidays, but with several key-members leaving the team I couldn't give them a break because I simply didn't have enough bodies working in the store to do so.  A full-time visual manager gave me a 6 day notice (I'd like you to picture what my face looked like when that happened).  The mall had us move our off-site storage facility, downsizing from 1,000 square feet to about 500 square feet.  And the month was spent prepping for our physical inventory that takes place on February 2nd (arguably the most important event of the year).

I had some help moving off-site but a large portion was by myself.  You start to get the feeling that while you can ask for help, people don't really want to help anymore.  To be fair, several of them do, but you stop wanting them to do so because they've done enough already.  Does that make sense?  I am ever appreciative to the associates and managers that stepped up to the plate because they willingly took on as much as I was willing to give up.  It's not that I was going for martyrdom, because I wasn't, but I'm that classic case of "No, I'll do it myself," and then I know it's done the right way.

That mentality didn't stretch into every aspect of work, for the most part I turned to everyone else in regards to preparing for inventory and just said "You need to do this please."  I never thought taking this role as General Manager would be as challenging as it has been, but you live and learn and I've definitely learned.  For better or worse.  The song I'm using this month (below) inspired the blog because it sums up January for me.  And while this experience was a whole lot of "new" for me, there were familiar threads in the story I'd already been living.

I'm used to the solo dance, in work or life, and when you keep having to do the dance by yourself, all it does is build a little more character.

When it comes to love, I found myself coming to rely on Derek for so much more than just companionship.  He took care of me when I was sick and provided a listening ear when I just needed to vent.  I had a lot of tears this month, mostly in the few private moments I was able to sequester myself into, but they still happened.  Every now and then you just need a good cry.  To let it out... to keep something in... to pull up your big-girl panties and get on with it.

You know what I mean.  If you don't, get bent.

Other than that, life has been moving on.  The weather was pretty decent throughout the month and that always leaves me with a bit of a grin.  I'm looking forward to it getting even warmer, a trip to Arizona (and maybe Texas) in the next couple months, and of course the summer of 2015 that will be here before we know it.  This year just feels different.  Does anyone else feel that or does the cheese stand alone?  I'm keeping my options open for anything that will come my way and I'll try to be a little more proactive on sharing it when it does, but you know how these things go.  Life gets in the way and then you're dead.

So what else happened in January?  I read Amy Poehler's book "Yes Please" and loved it, then I started working on my second book yet again.  Learned how to play Grand Theft Auto V and am having a blast, deciding videogames are a great way to get your mind off something for long periods of time, and I got my first-ever (needle) shot in the ass.  Realized I actually do like tea, perfected my chess game, and in the end remembered that all storms come to an end and if you can find 'em, you're lucky to have someone to weather them with.  I know I did.

Goodbye, January.  You've always been my least favorite.

Toodles gang (c:

a new resolution part iv

As 2014 drew to a close, I couldn't help but look back on it with a little bit of wonder.  The year before admittedly had not be the best ever.  Conversely, the one before that had been.  I've written about this little "yang-yang" things before.  So it was with a little trepidation I greeted 2014 and moved forward, knowing there were potentially big changes coming, a few littles ones to spice the pot, and of course two massive changes I could not have anticipated when the clock the struck midnight.

When I write a resolution, I'm doing something very particular.  I'm assembling a structure... almost like a building.  Let's say it's a skyscraper!  If you know me at all, you know I'm a fan of explosions (read my book) and the destruction of things like that in general.  So if my resolutions are skyscrapers, then my aim is to knock them right the fuck down.  I do it as a way of challenging myself; as if to say "Hey, I dare you to do this!"

Add to that and make it a triple-dog-dare and obviously I won't be backing down.

One year ago today I wrote about the true meaning of resolutions, or at least what I felt they should be.  A really good New Year's resolution should never be about making yourself more attractive or fit, it should instead be about your inward examination.  What it is about you or your life that you are unhappy with, what you can do to change it, and what the end result would be by changing it.  I feel that if you can pick one or two things a years you want to work on, you're well on the way to true happiness.

In 2013's July Update (which you can read here) I wrote about my trip to Austin, TX to visit my big brother.  That trip was a moment of change for two reasons.  First reason?  It was the last time I cut my hair off!  I felt you needed to know that.

::tosses nearly shoulder length hair::

The second reason of course was deciding I would move away from Wisconsin within the next two years.  Before I turned 30, actually.  It was easy to say something like that when I was 27... at 28 it got a little scarier because it was a little bit closer.  But for whatever reason at 29, and though my throat gets tight to think about it, I'm just ready.  So what is my official 2015 resolution?

In 2015 I will move away from Wisconsin.

It's heartbreaking and terrifying and exhilarating and tremendous in every meaning of the word, but there it is.  There ya have it.  And I didn't say Austin (though that remains my goal) because I'm open to anywhere I suppose.  I'm open to the possibilities of going to a place I've never been and doing things I've never done.  I'm open and and willing to explore and experience and hopefully finally stop feeling like I am missing out on the world.

That's what my inward examination has shown me.  Habitually I feel like everything is happening to everyone around me, always has, and I'm just standing by watching.  2012 showed me I know how to take the reins and do things on my own.  2013 proved I can rise above some truly devastating things and shoulder onward with a steady determination.  As for 2014?

2014 was a year that showed me how good things happen if you are a good person with a good heart.  When the year kicked off, I had no idea it would end with three months of three consecutive huge things: @klreynol moving away in October, becoming the General Manager of Pottery Barn in lieu of my boss having her baby in November, and falling head-over-heels in love with Derek in December.  And what of my resolution for 2014 of getting published?  Well I certainly did publish my book (read about that here or here) in August and that was the goal I set for myself.  It was everything I thought it would be, and now it's done and out there and I can move on to the sequels without any qualms or worries that I won't be able to do it.  If anything I feel more determined now than ever before.

I'm really excited to move forward with 2015 and discover what it will bring for me.  I think I will look at this year as one of discovery in general.  New places, faces and things.  New hopes, new dreams, new surroundings.  Did you know I had more than 5,900 blog views in 2014 alone?  That's nearly as many views as I had in the two and a half years preceding, and what does that say about me?  It says this self-proclaimed (technically no longer self-proclaimed) author has something going for him.  Maybe it's small apples right now, but those seeds have a way of growing.

I'm ready to grow and I'm pretty sure all of you are ready to grow with me.  My friends, my family, my loved ones... the old ones, the new ones, my boyfriend, my exes, all of you... let's do this together like we have since I started.  I'm so happy to include you all in my life and I'm so excited to have you all with me as I continue.  Here's to a good year (c:

I'll leave you with a video as I usually do.  This is the first time I'm posting a video in a blog that I have posted once before, but re-reading the 2013 July Update had me watching and it just hit me.  All of it.  Who's going to miss me when I'm gone?

Ciao for now (c;