November 17th, 2014
Last year on November 6th I was spending the day working at Pottery Barn. It was a sunny thursday, kind of warm but not really, and I was taking my break at Noodles & Co. I was supposed to use store funds to buy gift cards for our associates for opening credit cards, so once I was finished eating I walked into the Starbucks next door, the one I'd been writing at for 9 or so years. Went in, picked out the cards, and started chatting with the gal behind the register about something stupid I'd probably done that day. Behind her was a new guy, tall, slender, with glasses. He glanced at me a couple times and I glanced at him, but mostly just kept talking to her. He laughed at something I said and I remember thinking "you're a nosey little one, aren't you?"
I went back to work and told Courtney about the cute new guy and then continued on with me day.
The next morning I went in for my drink, as was the habit, and this time he was on bar preparing the drinks. I ordered and scooted down the line, checking on something on my phone as I did so and waiting patiently.
"Did you order a peppermint mocha?" He asked when my drink was ready, causing me to look up. I smiled and nodded awkwardly. "Found it!" He exclaimed as he set it down in front of me.
"Ok... thanks," I said with a chuckle, wondering why he'd said that, of all things.
Little more than a week later we went out on our first date.
Aaaaaand then a week after that we became a "thing."
It was November 17th, and that means today is our one year anniversary.
The "actual" first picture of us. What a charmer!
I've written a lot over the years about my luck in love. Or lack thereof, as it were. I've fired and missed so many times since Ken that it eventually became commonplace to think it just wasn't going to happen. Got close a few times, and certainly met some good people along the way, but I couldn't seem to figure out how to hit that elusive target of "love." It wasn't for a lack of trying by any means. Eventually I just kinda gave up on it and became resigned to the notion of "maybe it just isn't for me." And it sucked, but for the most part I was also alright with it.
Maybe that's my personality type? Maybe I'm introverted juuuuust enough to skate by the discomfort zone of being alone all the time?
Not that I'm proud of it.
For me, being alone always meant not having to deal with the viewpoints of a boyfriend. There was always so much bickering and arguing over points of view and it was exhausting. I don't mean that in the sense of "Oof, disagree with me and I'll just cut you out of my life!" because I don't mean it that way at all (have you read about those comfort zones popping up at colleges? Gimme a break). Different points of view make people think and evolve in all sorts of wonderful ways. But I just... didn't like it. And being alone meant everything was tidy for me, neat and in its place and never out of order; if it wasn't out of order, and if it was entirely in my control, then I was happy. Does that make sense? I dunno.
So in the end, I stopped looking for my match and then, all of a sudden, there he was.
My Derek.
On our way to Minnesota.
Things started quietly where I was concerned. I was not going to be the one to scream from the rooftops this time around (not that he didn't deserve it), because I just didn't want to. I'd formed a preternatural fear of anything that was too good to be true, so if I was a little more discrete about it then maybe it would last. This logic ended up biting me in the ass a few times but I'll get to that later.
I didn't even really tell my friends about him right away because I was afraid I'd jinx it. I wanted to get my own time with him without muddying the process with anyone else's opinions. And that's how I know I like someone, because I won't talk about them. I keep it hush hush because I want to form an opinion that is entirely my own and not influenced by others. When I did finally start sharing and telling them, several were caught off guard.
How had this happened? Why wasn't I gushing information as per my style?
It was because I was all wrapped up in him, strangely engrossed in the weird knowledge that every red flag he was sending up just weeks into our relationship I was swatting aside with professional ease. And THAT is not easy! Learning how to trust again was something I didn't think I'd ever know how to do, and here was essentially a stranger doing things that would normally make me run in terror but were somehow pulling forward even more. I wanted to know him, what his story was and what the facts were. And I wanted it now, now, now.
Valentine's Day
Quickly we grew attached at the hip, spending little more than a dozen hours apart before seeing each other once more. The overnighters started and I fell deeper down the rabbit hole, coming to lean on him more and more as the holiday season at work grew increasingly more stressful. Just a few days shy of Christmas, on the 20th of December, we made a nest of blankets and pillows on the floor of my living room and watched the first Thor movie.
It was the night I said I loved him, and then he said he loved me.
And then we were just two people in love.
Time went on... ideas started to form. Should we take a trip to Austin together? It had been in Derek's top five places to live, and we all know it's been my number one place to live for a very long time. A vacation together was kind of a big deal, what if we bought the tickets and then broke up? Toss that idea to the wind, we booked 'em anyway. And come March, we went.
Hardly a moment before I asked him if he wanted to move down with me.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't have every instinct telling me I was moving way too fast. Derek had essentially started living with me by Christmas, and since then we'd only spent the night apart when one of us was traveling out of state. When we got back from the trip he officially moved in with me, helping pay rent and all. To me, in my head, this was all perfect. It was actually happening and quickly progressing and for every concern I voiced to him, he validated said concern and constantly gave me room and an option to back out. Which I never did, of course, but he understood that part about me. That I can make a decision with no problem, and then sometimes immediately wonder if it was the right one.
Shoot now, ask questions later!
As time wore on, things changed almost finitely in both of our lives right up until the day came to move. All of the planning and preparation was finally put to the test and for the most part, it went as smooth as it probably could have. In the back of my mind I maintained the thought that it was in my path of life to move to Austin, and it was in his as well. And if he only came into my life for the sole purpose of being at my side to make such a move, then that was wonderful. If we could make it through a cross-country move without having known each other for a year, we could make it through anything. Not that I planned on things ending between us by any means, I just thought "if this ends up being the thing that undoes us... then it is what it is."
Because that's what I've constantly thought this past year with Derek.
If this sputtered out, if we sputtered it, I figured it wouldn't surprise me. Because that was the story of my life, to not be the winner. To go home, more often than not, totally empty-handed. I've kept myself at a certain distance since I met him, terrified that the instant I let my guard down the seams would come undone and I'd be left exposed.
The transition for me living in Texas has not been an easy one, and it's something I've downplayed to most people. Including Derek.
A few weeks ago we had a very real heart-to-heart and whatever I'd been hiding from him, whatever truths or fears I'd kept locked up, they came out. Everything I'd downplayed about myself since we first started dating, or not necessarily downplayed but just... hid. I concealed the bulk of the emotions I carry all the time because I felt like it was a sign of weakness within me, and when we talked, he got it out of me. And it was good.
I used to see that internet meme allegedly spoken by Frida Kahlo and it said "Take a lover that looks at you like maybe you are magic." I don't know if she said it or not, but I never put much thought into the statement.
That night, I suddenly realized that was how Derek has looked at me since that first sight in Starbucks. Since that first awkward "Did you order a Peppermint Mocha? Found it!"
A kiss to the stars.
How over the past year he has stared at me with this glint in his eye as he waited for the next random thing I would say. How he's put up my my attitudes and my mood shifts, laughed when I laughed and cried when I cried. Dealt with my kinda mean cat Sophia, hogged the bed whilst knowing that I'd shove him back to his side every time, and let me pinch him with my toes because it's just something weird that I do. A year of eating my dinners despite them usually incorporating onions because I love 'em, a year of watching whatever I wanted to watch on TV because he was always content with what I chose, and a year of being my sounding board when I was flat out being crazy. And, in the end, a year of how he's looked at me like maybe I've been magic.
I don't like to see the good in myself. I never really have. I think to see the good in yourself then that just means you've got your head firmly planted up your own ass. Do good things and hopefully the world just follows suit, you don't need to announce it to people. You don't need to look in the mirror and say "yeah, I'm a good person," because if you do then you're probably not. But having someone like Derek in my life, someone who constantly points out the good in me and the positive qualities in me... it makes me feel like I'm at least not a bad person.
He sent me a text less than a week after we met and asked if I had a favorite quote. I told him I had two of them:
First was "be happy for this moment; this moment is your life," and then the second was "every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."
I of course had to ask what his was, and he sent me this in response:
"I will practice acceptance. Today I will accept people, situations, circumstances, and events as they occur. I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. I will not struggle against the whole universe by struggling against this moment. My acceptance is total and complete. I accept things as they are this moment, not as I wish they were."
Looking back on it, I think he must have known something... must have known how the year was going to unfold and what I'd eventually look back on to tie it all together. It's just what I do. Technology is a beautiful tool if you use it correctly. By posting and sharing things on social media and keeping the world informed of the daily goings-on in your life, it allows you to relive those moments in the future should you so desire. It has become the new normal for us.
Going through the words that filled the beginning of our relationship I can't help but smile at the giggly, blush-filled communication we both used. Corny phrases like "I can't wait to kiss you again," "I can't wait to wake up with you everyday," "when can I see your smile again?" etc. I don't know why we stopped doing that, or why anyone stops for the matter, aside from slipping into a sort of complacency in a relationship and getting comfortable enough that you don't need to remind a person anymore.
I need to start telling him that I really can't wait to kiss him again, hear him laugh again, or even just sit on the couch for two hours at the end of a long day and watch some tv together with our knees bumping occasionally. I need to tell him that sometimes when I think about him, I get overwhelmed with the thought that I'm not doing enough to give him the world when he deserves that and more. That my love knows no boundaries for him.
But I read what he wrote and realize now, even if he didn't mean it in such a way, that they were words I now see pertain to me. I now know that each moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. I need to start accepting things as they are in this moment and not as I wish they were. A year ago if I saw myself right now, I wouldn't recognize me. Hair gone, new job, new city, new life. I wouldn't understand how I could have done it by myself, and that's the point to all of this.
My family.
It's a scary thing to wholly accept you've given someone such power over you, but at least I know that with him it is power held in good hands.
A person who has taught me more about planes than I ever thought I'd know. Who got me to play Grand Theft Auto and actually like it. Who pulls the silly out of me with his constant dancing in the kitchen, dancing in doorways, and dancing when he comes home from work. A person who never shies away from a good hug, a person that gives a kiss everytime I see him. Who showed me what it's like to love again, and to accept love again, and to realize that there are very good people in the world. A guy who continuously pushes me to do better whether he realizes it or not. His squinty eyed smile still melts my heart, his deep voice can on the occasion give me butterflies, and I think when it all adds up at the end of the day, his beautiful soul makes me happy to just be alive.
And to you, Derek Allen, know that this was all for you. The final truths to the first chapter of our story, the "grand reveal" if that's how you'd like it. Happy anniversary to you, pinkie toe, and here is to an eternity more. I love you (c:
Toodles gang.
