This was... a year. "It was a year," that's enough of a statement on its own, isn't it? I don't want to say "worst year ever," because that potentially takes the title away from something later down the line. I don't want to say "nothing worse could have happened this year," because plenty of things could have. Someone could've died, I could've gotten incurably sick... lots could have been worse. So, 2017 was a year. One I never want to repeat, one I never want to look at again, and one I'm glad to see disappear through the windows that are currently covering themselves entirely in frost inside my frigid house.
Illness in your family is hard. Break-ups are hard. Promotions at work can certainly be hard. Living on your own and a bit beyond your means is hard. Not having your family and friends nearby is hard. Losing weight is hard. Being optimistic is hard. Being sick is hard. Going to therapy is hard. All of this wrapped-up but not contained solely to a single year? That's hard too.
You know what isn't hard? Looking forward.
It isn't hard to see the possibilities that lay in the realm of things getting better. When things don't go your way (as this year largely did not go my way), it's easy to see what they would be if they were good. Mostly because when you're in the moment, you know something is bad because it isn't good. Parent is sick? It'd be great if they weren't. Get cheated on? It'd be great if the next guy didn't do that. Get super sick and still can't seem to shake it after three weeks? Oh wait, that one's current. DOesn't change how I can still picture in my mind what I'll do when I'm NOT sick anymore.
Namely have nice hair again and not worry about coughing anything gross onto my clothes. You're welcome.
It was easy for me to get pissed at life this year. About anything, really, and at anytime. The two aren't mutually exclusive. Last night it was about being pissed when I came home to find the heat was out in my house. Normally 68 degrees, it was a crisp 51 (and would proceed to drop another 8 degrees, which may not seem like a big deal but try sitting in a 43 degree house while sick and tell me you're comfortable). I bitched and moaned for a while then tried messing with the furnace before deciding it was no use and calling my landlord. Continued to bitch and moan until I was sitting motionless on the couch three hours later and hitting my mental wall. It was nine o'clock and I figured the heating guys most likely weren't coming (they weren't, ps), so I needed to work the problem. Pull a Matt Damon in The Martian and figure it out.
So I turned on the oven, made myself some food, finally stopped shaking from the cold and warmed up a bit. I worked a solution to the immediate problem. Temporary, yes, but I figured it out. In a way I've been working my problems this whole last year. I was slapped in the face with some, and others I just happened upon randomly. For each one I had to stop and think and figure it out. This didn't always happen quickly, and for some of them I'm still working on it. But I did get pretty good at solving the problems in my life and I think it's okay to admit that. You can only look BACK and say so, which I realize now. In the moment you (I) kinda wag your hands and pant because you're in full-on panic mode and nothing makes much sense.
I'm approaching this New Years resolution a little different because I'm taking cues from the past as I do so. Don't go rolling your eyes, you'll probably appreciate where this is going.
When Ken and I broke up in the early/mid part of 2011, my life was in shambles. I was in a weird stasis, doing the things I knew I should be doing (work, friends, family) but not doing anything else. I had to do what made sense because it kept me moving forward. When the year ended (and I still felt that way), I did something to change it. This was when 26 Golden Things came to life and subsequently, 2012 became the greatest year of my life. It was a year spent focusing on me, and solely me. Sure, I had my friends and family come along for the ride, but it was about understanding who I was as a person and growing from what I was and into who I wanted to be.
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| At the start of 2013 |
George Michael sang "now I'm gonna get myself happy" in Freedom '90, and the words never resonated with me until recently. I watched a lyric video and listened and read and nodded my head a lot, because I never got what he was saying. The Cliff's Notes version being that he did everything for everyone else because it was what he was "supposed" to do, and now he wanted to do things for himself. Simple as pie.
2018 is starting with a supermoon, not that it means anything, but it's special. And if you follow horoscopes (as I casually do), then I'll let ya know Saturn entered Capricorn on December 19th, which is one of its home signs. Now this comes across as mumbo-jumbo to some people, and even for me I only take what I want from horoscopes and all that, but the gist is this: since I'm a Capricorn, now's my time. To shine, to excel, to maybe knock-over a convenience store and make away with like $200 bucks and some soda. Either way, the cards are stacked in my deck.
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| At the start of 2018 |
My resolution for 2018 is to further myself in every way I can. I don't want to list examples because while I love a self-fulfilling prophecy, I feel if I list something I'm limiting myself. And for this year, I don't want limits. I want to run and jump and climb trees (not really) and get back to me. Find myself again, find what drives my passion and my curiosity, find what makes me laugh and why it makes me laugh. I want to find the love and the joy that I know I have inside of me, and I want to scream it from the rooftops like I used to. Centered, content, and ready for anything at a moment's notice. That's the Sean Parker I once was, it's the one I want to be, and it's the one I can be once more.
Life will get better. And you can ask "why?" but the answer it simple and finite.
Because it has to.
