Another year comes and goes, and for the first time in 365 days I finally look back at where I was. Not to say I haven't looked back at all, because I have. Through pictures and maybe Facebook's little memories function absolutely, but not to read old blogs. Specifically, any past resolutions. What I love about these particular jaunts through my words is that when I finally get to look back at what I predicted for my year (or set as a resolution, natch), I get to be surprised and sometimes floored by what actually transpired.
Take my 2017 resolution, for example:
When I sat in my rented house on Kentucky Avenue, I watched the frost covering the inside of the windows because the heat had gone out on New Years Eve. I was super sick, tired, depressed, single, and unsure of my future. I decided that an appropriate resolution would be one that centered around getting back to what used to make me happy. Who was "Sean Parker" as an individual? What did that mean, what did that look like? How could I get back to being a creative person? In other words, I wanted to turn the focus back onto just myself, learn that it was okay to do that, and hopefully see the benefit in the end.
The proof's in the pudding. I only wrote three blogs in 2018: a new resolution vii, a full year stronger, and the eighth iteration. That was because I wasn't concerning myself with writing blogs to share things with the world. I wasn't focused on shouting about my life from the mountain tops anymore for two reasons. 1) no one cared and 2) I didn't care.
I could never have known when I published this blog a year ago that my landlord would be telling me hours later he was going to sell the house in the spring. I could never have known I'd be buying my own house 6 months later. Sometimes the best opportunities of your life are hidden in those moments of the unknown.
After I bought the house, I buckled down and started working on it. In so many ways this was a good thing because it caused me to get creative again, to lose weight by arguably over-working myself, to push myself to finish projects, and of course to love my surroundings. Then again, in some ways it was a bad thing. It caused me to push some friends away due to my focus, it racked up additional debts that I didn't have before (painting every wall and ceiling in a house with Sherwin Williams paint isn't the cheapest method), and it introduced me to the exquisite dread of what can go wrong in a big expensive thing that you own.
Or that you're paying to a bank to own, 'course.
I wanted to sort of mimic my golden year with 2018. Not setting a bucket list of things, but again, focusing on building myself back up. I didn't want to date anybody or start a serious relationship. I wanted to make new friends and be happy at my job and work on my house and maybe finish writing my fourth book. Those were the goals that came with the 2018 resolution. And wouldn't you know it... I did make new friends! My job is... my job. As with any, you have good days and you have bad days, the goal being to marry the two of them. I worked on my house and it's nearly finished. And of course, I completed the writing of my fourth book.
With Halloween came the realization that I was content again. Who knew? I'd somehow smuggled my heart through the fire and was able to put it back in its proper place. I decided dating was an option again, and... I went on some dates. Nothing stuck but that was okay, because I knew there was no rush and it could be a very long road. The key words being that there was no. Damn. Rush.
And then all of a sudden I met someone.
And we sparked. We clicked. We did all the things, razzle-dazzle-whatever-you-wanna-call-it. In those first initial days, I couldn't help but to turn my eye to the past and wonder... could I reform it? What would it take to gather the broken pieces, arrange them how I thought they should be, apply some heat and pressure, and reforge what was once lost?
The answer is that what it would take was me knowing myself again, and trusting myself enough to just let go. Take a breath, make the leap, and have faith. It's a pretty terrific feeling when you can believe someone is there to catch you, and right now, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Even as I sit in a house, with windows frosting over because of my heat being out for the second time in two years and coincidentally on the same day. But this year I'm not sick... or tired... or depressed... or even single.
So what do I have in store for my goal this year? What self-fulfilling prophecy will I cast out into the ether, hoping to get back in spades?
In 2019 I am turning my focus to planning for the future. Getting debts under control, arranging savings and that good stuff to better serve me and my interests, fixing the house for the eventual day that I will sell it, and of course building the foundations to my new relationships, both romantically inclined and not. I don't think it's ever a bad idea to start planning for the future, and I'm surprised it has taken me this long to really buckle down and decide to do it. But maybe that's how it is when you've sorta gotten all of your ducks in a row? You can start looking at the "other" things that'll propel you forward.
Other things of course include the obvious... finish editing the fourth book, finish work on the house, travel more, yadda yadda. But for me those are just daily goals in a long list of things that'll make me happy, and for now the time has come to put the finishing touches on a strong core.
For now I'll let Betty Who take it away, because like she says, "things keep getting better."
Ciao for now gang (c;
