I failed.
Is it okay to say that? Or rather, to start out by saying that? I failed. Two words, big meaning, lots of sighs and groans behind 'em. But there it is. Or... erm... here it is?
I didn't not achieve the 2019 goal I set for myself in a new resolution part viii.
To be fair, that's a somewhat surface statement and when you peel back the freshness-seal, the truth is how maybe I kinda nailed the resolution. Even if I don't feel like I did? It comes down to a matter of perspective and how much you want to angle the stage lights through the filter of your life. Of my life.
My big ambition for the year was to turn my focus to planning for the future, and even now I'm not entirely sure what I was intending with that. What did it mean? Set a five year plan? Ten year? Get all the dominos in position for an eventual push, literally and figuratively, and then see what the hell happened? I dunno.
I wanted to get my debts under control (didn't), arrange my savings and all that "good stuff" to better serve me and my interests (didn't), and to build on the foundations of my new relationships both romantically inclined and otherwise. There was also the obvious "to-do" stuff, like finish editing episode IV of my book series (didn't), finish work on the house (...didn't (to be fair, when is house work ever finished?)), and to travel more (didn't (at least to really anywhere that could be considered new)).
I think the issue that rises when I create a new resolution is that it can't be too literal. Does that make sense? I can't share a goal for myself that'll have a light shone on it 365 days later with the question of "did you DO this or NOT?" And that's what last year was, and truth be told I've fucked up like that before, too, so it's not like this is an incredibly new feeling. I think we all remember a few years ago when I thought I'd replicate 26 Golden Things for my 30th year, a total bust that I later RETRACTED. I capitalized that for the emphasis.
You're welcome.
I was writing this blog last year in a house that was slowly beginning to freeze from the heat going out and I wouldn't be able to get it functioning again for a few days. A chunk of my savings disappeared two weeks later when I had to dish out $1,000 for a new furnace and that grand idea of planning for the future very suddenly just turned into planning for the moment (and thus how I spent the first half of 2019). Work in the moment, do what you can, cross your fingers for the best and then skip along. My quick relationship over the holidays ended even quicker a month or two later, my hair got the chop, and then it was just house work. I hung out with the few friends I'd made, built relationships with them that I feel are strong enough to stand steadily, and got more comfortable with my life in Minnesota. And then more house work. House work, always. And when you're so busy focused on a task, the world continues to rotate past until you look up and realize it's the middle of the year.
The second half of the year faired much better, all things considered. I met Andrew. I started to travel (back and forth to Wisconsin, lots and lots and lots). I finally started editing episode IV. My friendships were in a good enough place that I could turn my focus to Andrew and hope to build something there too with all that love. In hindsight, a few friendships fell to the wayside. While a couple have been picked back up and are as good as they ever were, there are a couple that are gone too.
That part hurts.
What came from spending my time with Andrew, inadvertently or not, is that I started planning for my ::gasp:: future. And in planning for my future with him, I was able to start ::gasp:: getting my debts under control. I refinanced the house, saving money there (and earning some from the closing, thanks to my awesome lender Carolyn), and was able to mostly plan out the bathroom renovation. I won't say that meeting Andrew sent me off like a FIREWORK into hitting my resolution in whatever form, but he certainly aided me along. What I will say without a shred of doubt is that I started editing episode IV again because of him. When I would visit in Wisconsin while he was working, I'd go out to a coffee shop in Door County and pound out a chapter or two a day and that was really awesome. I still have some work to go, but I do plan on finishing the edit before summer and then it's time for a few people to read and give me their thoughts... and onward from that. It's coming!
At the end of the day, I don't feel like me missing the resolution was necessarily a huge fail on my part, because I feel like I definitely won 2019. I always get a chuckle out of memes at the end of the year comparing two pictures (one of beauty, one of pure hell), the before and after of how the year screwed them over. For 2019, I feel that for the first time since 2012, I just can't sympathize.
Looking back even further and into the entire "teen" decade, no, it wasn't that great. There was so much heartbreak. There were soooo many hard lessons learned, so many firsts (and lasts) and events that can never be repeated again for better or for worse. Like publishing my first novel. Moving away from my family... then moving away from more family. Getting my own cats for the first time. (I can't believe they'll be 10 years old in a few months). Running my own store. Recording through blogs and video an entire year of my life. Buying my first car. Standing up in my best friend and soulmate's wedding. Leaving the country for the first time. Fathering a child. And just so much more.
Just kidding on that child part.
There were some rough moments these last 10 years, but when I stop to think about it, there's one undeniable thing that matters the most. I entered 2010 happy, maybe oblivious to what was going on behind my back, but happy. And I'm leaving 2019 even happier, with pure love in my heart and a certain excitement that just can't be contained. I was laying in bed with Andrew last night and said to him "right now I feel infinite." He asked what that meant and I thought for a minute about it before answering, "like my happiness right now could go on forever."
Not a lot else matters.
So now the question turns to 2020, and technically to the 20's in general, but for now 2020.
I'm going to let go. Is that loaded? Sure as shit is! And what did I say before about being too specific? It's only setting myself up for failure, and if there's one thing the people in my life know about me, it's that I hate failure. Ask my old therapist.
I'm going to let go of my expectations. I'm going to stop trying to control. I'm going to accept feedback, and I'm going to adapt and change to be the best version of myself that I can be. I'm going to be open. I'm going to close myself off. I'm going to allow the people into my life that want to be in my life, and I'm going to release the ones that just don't. And that's fine. I'm going to (try) to stop explaining myself when I say no, I'm going to stop finding excuses when I just don't want to do something.
And there is nothing wrong with that, for me, or for you.
Are there still other things for the year I'd like to do? Sure. Andrew will act as my personal trainer and I'll attempt to follow his admirable lead. I'll finish editing episode IV. The house will draw closer to a state of completion, and on and on and on. Making new resolutions is a way of setting goals for yourself. Maybe you hit one, maybe you hit them all, but the point is that you're trying, right? I think so at least.
For Christmas Andrew had all 150 of my blogs written since October of 2011 through October of 2019 published into a hardcover coffee-table book. It took my breath away for two reasons. First was the overriding amazement that this man that holds my heart had taken the time to do this, succeeding in giving me the absolute best gift I've ever been given. Second was that I was holding essentially an anthology of who I was for the last decade. It made me look to the future, it made me look to myself and who I wanted to be. It made me look at my blogs and realize that I need to write... that writing is in my bones, my blood, and my fingers. This is who I am.
So here's to the roaring 20's, everything that they're gonna bring, and all of the stories that I can't wait to share. Toodles gang, and Happy New Year (c:
