I've stared on and off at this keyboard all day long, not sure how to start or what to say. I mean... I know what I WANT to say, but getting there is taking me just a moment. How the hell is this my tenth time doing this? I'm sitting at my dining table in a new house right now as I write this. A year ago I was sitting next to someone I loved very much, in a Starbucks, with no face covering on and never in a million years imagining how I'd find myself in 365 days.
Did I ever tell you that I never read my old resolutions until January 1st of the following year? Operating in this way makes it a true surprise to see how I inadvertently succeeded (or failed) in whatever prophecy I had set before my own feet. Take writing the 2020 resolution, for example, where I admitted I really hadn't achieved a single damn thing from the laundry list I had set before myself in 2019.
And then take the new resolution of 2020 and see how I blasted every single one straight out of the water.
There were two bits to my resolution a year ago, the "general" resolution and then a couple of things I also wanted to achieve. These included: finished writing episode IV of my book series (success!), finish working on the house (after a long summer fo getting the yard ready, success!), and have Andrew get me into shape at the gym (not even fuckin' close as he left me just a month and a half later, whoops!). The bigger goal for the year was to "let go." Did I achieve that? I like to think I did.
Sometimes I feel like the grand plan of the universe, as far as I myself am concerned, is to test me over and over and over again, just waiting for me to break. Waiting to hit the flaw in my armor juuuuust the right amount of times so that it shatters, that it falls, and inevitably that the weakness of me as an individual is fully exposed. Sometimes I feel like giving into these tests, and it pangs me a bit to admit that after 2020, I'm alright with that.
I used to think I had to be some version of a super man. I thought I had to share my problems with everybody and then kick on the blinding floodlights to show as to how I persevered through them. As if I had something to prove... something to hold above everyone else... in a way saying "I can do it and you can too, so suck it up!" Part of that comes from childhood and how I grew up, where you just had to keep moving forward. When we were kids, I can remember being a smart ass at the grocery store to my mom, turning and smacking into a coupon holder that was sticking out from a shelf. And my mom would look down with vaguely disguised delight and she'd say "well, the bad fairy got ya," and that response should be true of a lot of things in life, right? You don't need to be coddled for every little thing, you don't need the world to stop at your feet for every minor inconvenience, and this was a great lesson to learn. I don't look back with any sort of negativity on this, it was a building block and a valuable one.
Another part of believing I had to be so great at everything comes from being a Capricorn, traits I've learned about a lot this year and have come to fully embrace. And sure, with the zodiac you can put just as much faith into it as you want, but I find some of the evidence incontrovertible and choose to keep said faith in it. Capricorn's have a habit typically of being hyper focused on how things are supposed to go. They come up with a plan, they execute it pretty flawlessly, and they calmly look around afterward because that was just how it was supposed to be. There's little room for error, and when error's occur, they don't really understand it. They turn inward, they overthink, and they make god damn sure the error doesn't occur again.
So you've got to imagine my surprise at how this year in general turned out. And you've also got to imagine my surprise at how every time I overcame an obstacle, either with ease or not, I was met with something so much fuckin' worse right after. The year was snowballing in this wild attempt to throw me off course, and it did throw me. I'm comfortable saying that.
I have been thrown.
Andrew left me in February and a couple weeks later quarantine was put in place. I was alone a lot, with lonely thoughts to keep me company. Eventually I could work out in the yard, planting grass and then pouring pavers, going through the motions of "this was your plan, so you might as well execute it." But there was no thrill in it for me... it was just this bland sense of duty. Then I put the house up for sale, and then I had to find a new one. There were a lot of bumps along the way, a couple swerves, and then a full off-roading incident, if you will. Then I had to get my tonsil lanced open. Then Andrew re-emerged into my life. Then the holiday shopping season started, I probably got a little too dehydrated, and now am left with a stent in my abdomen and a large kidney stone waiting to be broken apart through shockwaves in a couple weeks.
It wasn't a great year, lame Covid-19 or not (which you can for a lot of it). Not seeing friends and family as much as I'd like, spending the holidays and my birthday mostly in solitude, that was Coronavirus, yes, but the rest was just circumstantial and complete bullshit. I was angry a lot this year. Frustrated with what cards had been dealt to me and frustrated with myself for not being able to pick myself up from the floor, dust off my clothes, and figure out a new plan. The bad fairy had struck me, continued to strike me, and I just couldn't bring "eternally strong Sean Parker" to rally. I don't think there's been a year on record in my life where I cried as much as I did in 2020. Anything could make me cry. I could cry right now if you asked me to, but there's not much use for it if you did. I just kept thinking that life isn't fair, but really, boo-hoo for me. It could've been far worse than it was.
Upon looking back at the "learn to let go" resolution, I did learn. Either willingly or not, I let go of the expectations I had for myself. Maybe watched them burn a little, and maybe felt a little satisfaction in doing nothing to stop it, but that's what 2020 was for. Slowing down, looking around, and taking stock of what matters in life. Who matters? What do you want to do that matters? What do you need to change to make yourself happy? I think we all got a strong taste of what doesn't make us happy so really, to turn that around, it isn't hard to spot.
I painted this almost 8 years ago, and it has hung everywhere I've lived except this house. Tonight I'll change that, putting it up in my bedroom once more. It's from "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," and to me, one of the best quotes I've ever heard. A good quote can work wonders on you if you let it, and I need to start reminding myself daily of this one.
Which finally brings me to my newest resolution: take the steps you feel you should take toward re-capturing your own happiness.
I was happy for a really long time. Truly. And I have been unhappy for what now seems like a very long time as well. Pick a reason. For 2021 I think it's time to start exploring the avenues that have either given me joy in the past or that I assume could give me joy in the future. I have reached out to a college not far from my house for some information around one of their programs... and maybe that's just step one this year. Nothing is off the table and the sky is the limit, and I feel like I finally have a clear enough head to make these decisions. But like the quote says, it's never too late or too early to be whoever you want to be.
35 seems like a good age to get it figured out, and 2021 seems like the year to do it.
Ciao for now (c:
