I was on a trajectory of posting these "iteration" blogs later and later in the year, almost as if I didn't care any longer about the commitments I'd once made to myself and what they were supposed to represent versus what they actually represented. That's the thing about holding yourself accountable... eventually you need to do just that, right? Whether it's time to pay the piper, or where the chips all land, or, y'know, whatever the hell you wanna put here... eventually you need to hold yourself to doing it.
As is often the case, I'm in a very different position right now than I was a year ago when I wrote the eleventh iteration. I'm not currently sitting in the house, I'm not listening to Christmas music, and largely, I'm just not happy. The feeling of being in love at that exact moment was indeed fleeting for me. In fact, when I typed those words last November, my hard-earned love was already slipping from my grasp. I knew it, Andrew knew it, but we were both stubborn and narrow-sighted and shouldered on with our routine anyway. I didn't realize just how much was slipping from my grasp, but rarely do these things present themselves in the black-and-white terms we would prefer at the time. Here we come to it though, and I'll explain in this, my favorite of the anniversary blog series':
The Eleven Year Anniversary for
Musings of a
Self-Proclaimed Author
It's sad for me to write this today and I don't know entirely why. I've been sad a lot lately in general, and it's funny (not in a haha way) when I weirdly actually have so much to be happy about? I dunno. Fortune rarely smiles without something up her sleeve and that's a lesson I've come to learn in my time. So what to get out of the way first?
Last year I didn't really make any bold proclamations with this blog. I thought I would maybe write some more, and I thought I might share more about the renovations on this current house that I am in. And these were actually safe proclamations to have made, as it turned out. In regards to renovation blogs, no, I did not post those, HOWEVER, I do have plans set in motion for what that is all going to eventually look like. I started a new Instagram account, @restoring_sean, and that will be the hub for what is eventually going to be one of the largest passion projects I've taken on.
Instead of just writing one or two blogs with a bunch of pictures about the house, I am going to be doing a deep dive into all of the work that went into restoring my first home, the Manor. This includes narrated videos, in-depth photo reviews, random one-offs about the day-to-day life there, and so on. I spent weeks scouring my old text chains, emails, phone(s), my computer(s), and external hard drives for all of the content. Then I had to painstakingly organize all of this media into categories; it was a lot of work, trust me. I was going to get it up and running back in early September, but as luck would have it, my 2012 iMac wasn't strong enough to edit videos any longer. I have a nice shiny new iMac now, and in a month or so, I will hopefully start putting that content out on a weekly basis. The plan of course when I get through maybe 6 months of posting about the Manor, and then possibly another 4-5 months posting about the Ranch (current home), I can get cracking on what the next project is.
Here's a hint, it'll be a new house. More on that in a bit.
So in a way, I did come through on that renovation blog idea. I just reworked it and made it bigger. As for the writing... yes, I did do more of that too. In 2021 I posted three blogs total, and so far in 2022, this is blog number six. In addition to the blogs, I spent a good solid month this spring with my nose down in the final edit of The Onyxus Chronicles: Episode IV. I added something like 40 new pages of material to the book, give or take? Then the printed manuscript was off to a couple friends for proofreading, and then... well, then it was time to publish.
I published my fourth novel in eight years, and that's got to count for something, right? I guess if you average a new book every two years like that, then the first prequel book will be coming out sometime in 2024. I wouldn't hold your breath on it because that thing is barely an outline right now.
Still, I did write more.
I don't want to get too insanely into the nitty-gritty on what else this last year has been like, as most of that is best reserved for the "year in review" series. But there are other things to of course comment on, and as I said above, it's time to pay the piper.
Andrew and I didn't work out, we know this. Last year I was in a state of denial as to what our relationship was going to transform into, and I still am not comfortable sharing the minutiae of why it was going to move in any direction other than perfect bliss. It just didn't, and that will have to suffice. Because it ended though, that put a lot of things in motion for me.
I was miserable in my job at Pottery Barn. Completely and utterly; I had been for a long time, and I would continue to be for a long time after. I started looking for a job as a technical writer waaaaay back in December of 2021, and later this summer I was able to get in finally as a part-time contract writer. It has been a really great experience so far, I've learned a LOT already, and I look forward very much to the day I can take it full-time. You might be asking yourself "But Sean, you are currently the General Manager at your NEW job with Banana Republic, are you not?" And yes, I am.
But it's complicated.
A few weeks ago I had a massive anxiety attack at work, so bad that I thought I was having a heart attack. It all sounds very dramatic, but really it was just me hiding in the bathroom, hunched on the floor, clutching my chest. I won't get into the details here, partly because I don't want to and partly because some things need to stay private, but with doctor appointments after this little/big episode, I had a few things come to light health-wise. Maybe I'll dive in more at the year-end blog, and maybe I'll have exciting news or something to share, but what it boils down to is my stress level.
I am affected by it... perhaps a bit too much. And, coupled with some of the things going on medically, stress affects everything greatly. To a point where it can be a life-threatening thing.
So, I spoke with my friend and boss, Robin, and we had a really frank but great conversation about all of this. I told her my health was more important to me focusing on than staying in this role as the General Manager. The reality being that I cannot be what the store and the team need me to be. So I will leave Banana Republic, sadly, after only two months. I'm in a unique position to still have a cash flow, albeit smaller, and enough set aside in savings to get by until the spring of 2023.
"But why spring, Sean?"
Well, that would be because I am going to put the Ranch up for sale in February / March. And, the current plan, is that I'll be moving away from here.
This is all very new and hypothetical, but it's also very real. At 36 I've finally hit the critical mass of who I once was and who I am going to be, the crossroads of this being tangible and rough. A lot can change between now and February, obviously, so I don't want to be definite in any of my plans because really... you just never know. But I am taking care to plan for my future and line up the things that need to be assembled into neat little rows. In an ideal situation, I will be able to take a year or so to just rent (because buying a house seems silly in the current market), and then figure out WHERE I want to live and also how amazing of a project house it will ultimately be.
So, though it doesn't really need to be said, what do I expect for this next year? I don't know. I expect to sell the house at a great profit, which will allow me to pay off any and all remaining debt that I have. Since I won't be in retail anymore, I will have the ability to either move to a rental property here in the cities or back home in Wisconsin... or really anywhere else. I expect the road to be long and bumpy as I gain control over my health issues and I expect I will be angry and frustrated by most of it, most of the time. Is that's what it takes though to grow and become a better person, then it's a smallish price to pay.
But... I also expect to be happy. And happiness will come from following my passion over my pension, as a new friend so eloquently said. For what feels like the first time in my life, there's this great big question mark hanging above me and what the future holds. Is it coincidental this is happening 10 years after 26 Golden Things? Yeah, actually. But is it too important for me to ignore it? Yeah, that too, actually. I'm excited to see what happens, and I'm excited to share as it does. Onward.
Ciao for now (c:
