Like 2021, 2020 before it, and I suppose 2019... but if you include 2019, you include 2018, and if 2018 is in there then 2017 should be too... and obviously 2016 because that one just was what it was... 2022 kinda sucked. Like too many 'culminations of the year' before it, this blog makes me realize how happy I am to be moving into another year and another hopeful shot at fresh starts and new opportunities. I wish it wasn't like that. I wish I could sit and write 'this was the best year of my life', but it's often difficult to summarize things so positively. Maybe that's an outlook that comes with age, and with age and experience sometimes comes a certain jilted disposition. The inescapable reality of life. To be fair, this year had a lot of big things in it for me. Some I'll write about, some will stay private out of respect for others, but all were large enough to carry significant weight.
I wrote more blogs this year than I have since 2017 and I suppose that's something to be happy about? Maybe it's an indicator of another shift in me, but it's a little too early to know that for certain. This still is one of my favorite blogs to write though, all things considered, and I'm happy to wrap up the year so that it can go forward as a time capsule for me to visit whenever I deem necessary.
I sat down the other day and turned on my decade-old video project, "26 Golden Things."
I know, groan.
Double groan because as I look over last year's blog (a new resolution part xi), I literally watched the video project the day before writing so that I'd be inspired. What an asshole.
Anyway, being an asshole aside, I tend to gain new perspectives when I watch the project now. I couldn't help but notice how much enthusiasm was captured in the 60 minutes presented on a DVD I made with my iMac. There was hunger for a life that was finally developing in the way I wanted (and playing out to some great music, I might add). What I also found interesting is that with this being the 10 year anniversary of the project, just HOW MANY of the 26 things repeated themselves in 2022:
#1 letting it die; the realization you are finally over your ex (Andrew)
#2 the key; obtain a passport (a new passport, at least)
#8 a new partner; ladies and germs meet Bernice (Blythe, the Mitsubishi)
#9 opening a door; land a new job (as a technical writer)
#10 an old door closes; walking away from Express (Pottery Barn and then retail in general)
#11 a tidy conclusion; finish writing my third novel (finished the fourth and final of The Onyxus Chronicles, AND have now published the entire series)
The thing I taught myself 10 years ago was that you're only as happy as you make yourself, and that's a lesson I'm still trying to gain a foothold in. The resolution I set last year was to "make the changes that would set me on a new path," and that's what this year largely turned out to be for, right? Standing up for yourself when it has all gone to shit and making strides toward betterment?
Standing up for yourself in your relationship when it was just not working anymore?
Standing up for yourself in your job and saying that enough was enough?
Standing up for yourself in your living situation and essentially saying "fuck this shit, I'm out"?
I've never before been a person that swung wildly with big life choices and kept marching onward, flames on the sides of the road or not. Never. Everything in my life, for the most part, has been meticulously thought out and planned for, and then executed to varying degrees of success. It's always been safe, and I have always been safe. This year though... there was something inside of me calling for change. I yearned for change, often tearfully and desperately. I had found the hunger for life I had felt in 2012 once again, or at least... I could see the desire for that hunger and how it was starting to creep back into me. With each subsequent "thing" I crossed off my list this year I felt better and lighter and more and more ready to move forward.
In December I sat down and wrote out Christmas cards. This might seem like, y'know... an 'oh, big whoop' thing, but for me, it's a big deal because I haven't written them since moving to Minnesota. Not en masse, at least. Maybe it's because my time here is coming to a close soon? Maybe it's because there's a light at the end of the tunnel now and I feel like I have hope for a brighter future? A future that is on my own terms... not dictated by my job or by a relationship... but for me.
Minnesota wasn't a great part of my life, and when you look at it as "life in the state of Minnesota," that means the last 6+ years haven't been great. Maybe it's circumstantial, maybe it's being an adult, I don't know.
What I know is that it has been so incredibly long since I felt like I was living in color.
I haven't wanted to do anything for a really long time... I haven't wanted to be a part of things or events. And as those feelings drop away and the shades of grey shift into technicolor, I get this weird rush of joy as I emerge from my seclusion. It's fun and scary and exhilarating.
It's a life.
There are a lot of moments from 2022 that I don't care to ever look back on. To elaborate on that, there are a lot of emotions from 2022 I don't care to ever feel again. I thought I would write about them eventually, be it the work stuff, the relationship stuff, or the health stuff... but I won't. Sometimes, there are parts of a person that need to happen, and then they need to go away. For the first time in my life I'm comfortable letting them go away.
I decided a month or two ago to move back to my hometown of Appleton, Wisconsin this coming spring. I'll put my house in Minneapolis on the market in February, and with any luck, it'll sell right away. Then it's back to my old stomping grounds, to reconnect with a version of myself that I didn't really understand when I lived there before... maybe because I didn't want to understand him. Will I stay forever? Probably not, but who's to know the real answer to that. Certainly not me. And I guess that brings us to what the new resolution is, doesn't it?
Enjoy your choices and follow your bliss.
Too often I've set a goal for myself of something to cross off the list. Too many times I've lofted it up in the air, curious as to where it would fall and how I will decode the messages when it hits the ground. 2021 was to take steps to recapture my happiness, 2022 was to make the changes to set myself on a new path... I think it's time I enjoyed where all that will bring me. To my hometown, to my family, to some of my oldest friends, to a new project in a house, to a new foray into social media... to a new start. I've never been so excited for a new resolution to come to light, and I am so equally thrilled to take you all on the journey with me.
The other day I got a tattoo, meant to not only to wrap up my relationship with Andrew but also my time spent here in Minnesota. It's from my favorite Florence + the Machine song, 'Cosmic Love', and it's my favorite verse:
i took the stars from my eyes and then i made a map,
and knew that somehow i could find my way back.
then i heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too.
so i stayed in the darkness with you.
the stars, the moon, they have all been blown out.
you left me in the dark.
no dawn, no day, i'm always in this twilight.
in the shadow of your heart.
I think it's safe now to leave the shadows. Ciao for now (c:
