Hey, yeah, sorry... it's been a while on here. I meant to write about my trip to Texas, and never got around to it. And then I meant to write about the fantastic happenings in my love life, and neglected to do that as well. I'm sure I will soon enough, but first I wanted to take a moment to pump my thoughts out to the ether in regards to today, Thanksgiving, and to the deets as of late that currently bring me to my trusty laptop.
It's interesting to look back where my life was a year ago today. Turkey day with the family, in love with the dreaded ex after 2 1/2 years of tumultuous ups and downs, getting ready to hunt for houses in a week or two, frantically beginning the process of painting pictures for Christmas presents and just on the cusp of a nasty bout of the flu. The interesting thing is how this year reflects that and yet shows a different setting all together. Turkey day with the family though no longer in love with anyone. In the beginning stages of a new relationship that both elates and scares me at the same time. No house hunting, but a calm determination on Christmas presents that currently reside on the floor in the corner of my bedroom. I also just wrapped up a bout of sickness, though the sore throat still lingers.
I thought a lot today about what I am most thankful for and I feel that I am only now beginning to figure it out as my fingers dance across the keyboard. I know most people say something totally self-deprecating like "I am so thankful for my family, without whom I would never survive!" or "I'm thankful for all of the little things God gives me, because without Him I wouldn't be the same." I think my thanks are a little different from the norm because they go out to myself. Of course I am thankful for the people in my life; my parents, my siblings, by friends. Don't get me wrong on that. However, I would be lying if I used them as a cover for the things I realized and understood this year, about myself and about the circumstances I found myself in several times throughout.
This Thanksgiving, I am most thankful for my intuition. Without it, I would not be where I am today. Without it, I would be living in a house that was broken from the start, with a man who was broken from the start, in a relationship that was broken from the start. Without it, I would be staring blandly at the pages of my book and tinkering away with words when I could be out enjoying the company of a guy that for some odd reason, thinks I am special. Without it, I wouldn't have given an airbrushed superhero a shot on Halloween for fear of disappointment in someone else. I think that intuition gets everyone through the day; not your friends or your family, but you. That little voice inside you that guides you along. Obviously there are some of you that are just retarded and cannot function without the advice of those around you, but I must count myself out of that group. I used to... but I found what I needed to and feel I can make decisions for myself without the input of the peanut gallery any longer. Huzzah?
The interesting thing for next year will be to look back once again and see where I was. Will I be in love again? I don't know. Will I be calm over Christmas gifts or losing my mind as I have in the past? I don't know that either. What I do know is that in 2011 I finally put aside the "other people" in my life and their feelings, and started paying attention to my own. I don't think it's ever a bad thing to look inward at yourself and decide if you are pleased with what you've become... I also don't think it's wise to sit and pound one of these blogs out knowing you have to be in bed to work a 6 am shift for Black Friday in what is supposed to be a record-breaking year. These sorts of blogs tend to be all over the place. But what do I know?
I'm just a boy in a shop, after all. Happy Thanksgiving (c:
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
a perfect date
Immediately as I type that title, I think of Cheryl in Miss Congeniality. "I would describe the perfect date as April 25th. Because it's not too hot, and it's not too cold; all you need is a light jacket." Never gets old.
So today marked my 7th day of a 9 day stretch, which normally would have me clawing at the walls in an attempt to escape the store but this time, it doesn't. For you see, dear reader, there has been a change in my world as of late, and no amount of work could exhaust me in my current state. Last week I posted about my hero-filled Halloween adventures, a large portion of it having to do with a new found appreciation for the Green Lantern. I mentioned that he and I had been talking a little more, and that was where I left you hanging. Most of you probably weren't hanging, but I like to think I have an impact that profound, so just roll with it.
The Green Lantern, by the way, shall just be referred to as J from now on so as to a) grant him a certain amount of anonymity (saving me some typing time) and to b) save him from an onslaught of Facebook stalking. You know who you are, and you should know that I'm on to you!
J and I actually talked all week long... mostly all day long, every day. Sometimes there were gaps of a couple hours, but never much more than that. Lots of questions around things we liked or did not like, "what would you do if's" and of course the playful and flirtatious teasing that seems so customary. Regardless, it all added up to such a strong curiosity that we devised a point system. J kept telling me I was earning points, and I asked if I would be able to cash them in for anything, such as skittles or a hug. He replied that skittles cost 5 points, and a hug cost a fair amount more. As for an actual date, I had to keep growing my accumulating pool. You may think I am dwelling too much on the points but stick with me, my story gets better.
Eventually we get to the point of wanting to meet for a coffee date. J decided to cash in some of his points to earn the date, with the hope that his remaining points would multiply at said coffee date and would be enough to request an "official" date. Long story short, we met for coffee Friday morning and sat for 3 hours and 50 minutes in Starbucks, talking. And talking and talking and talking, and not realizing time had gone by so quickly until it was time for me to leave for work. It was kind of amazing solely because I, who abide by the rules of time to a T, don't usually lose track of it. And I did that day.
After the quick hug goodbye (I kept thinking "Sean, you didn't cash points in for this... make it fast so he doesn't notice,") he asked if he could take me on a real date. I didn't really have to think before answering with a resounding yes. So we set it up for Sunday night and that was that. Friday and Saturday streaked by for me, but Sunday was awful. The morning was fast, sure, but then I took my break and time seemed to stop. I can't really describe it as nerves... I think part of me was still thinking that he would take me to (insert-common-restaurant-here) for dinner and then off to the movies. Because that is what happens on every first date, right? Dinner where you can make small talk and get to know each other just enough to decide if the other is fucking crazy or not, and then a dark theater where you can possibly hold hands and rub knees. Kiss afterwards, drive home, and then wait and see if it blows up or goes on. These nights often result in me rolling my eyes multiple times (without being seen) and then getting annoyed with SOME sort of detail about the guy. Once that detail had to do with a weird wrinkle between someone's eyes (not naming names,) and another time it had to do with someone who didn't have finger nails on three of his fingers, just skin. True story.
J didn't abide by that logic.
I changed my clothes quickly at the store to amp up my look (a white button-up, army green tie, my skinny jeans and a dark brown corduroy blazer, natch.) Having that finished, I gave myself the once-over and then marched out, head held high, guard somewhat raised as to what the evening would entail. J was waiting outside the store for me, with a bouquet of flowers and roses in his very capable hands.
I don't have any problem in revealing here that every guard I had instantly crumbled in that instant. The blush was like a warm wave that washed through my cheeks, and the smile on my mouth could not be contained. I hugged him and accepted the bouquet, wondering how wrong I was in my assumptions. Seriously. You can say and do a lot of things but inside you know better than anyone what your doubts are in other people and you alone know how, for some, it takes a lot for them to prove themselves. How had he proved himself in that one, simple gesture of flowers?
Because it had never happened to me before, that's why.
After dropping my belongings off at the Jeep, I grabbed a CD I had made him and just decided to give it to him right away. I had said I would give him my "gift" if he played his cards right, and in that moment I didn't think it would get any better. The CD wouldn't play in his car, which was fine by me because my mind was still stuck in a vortex of wonder and I didn't think I could handle explaining my song choices and why they were amazing. I don't mean that how it sounds, lol; I personally loved the songs I put on, that isn't to say they are the best songs ever made, but I digress.
We take off in the car and J's GPS is leading the way. I have no idea where the hell we are going because I don't know shit about Green Bay, and neither does he, coincidentally. I keep throwing out random guesses about the date (which I had been doing since the date was made (including but not limited to a helicopter ride, being picked up by a jet on the mall roof, leaving the country, or at that point in time, being murdered in the field behind a Mobil station.)) After only a few minutes we pull up outside this huge building, get out of the car, and J tells me he brought me a sweater to wear because I might want to change. IMMEDIATELY I am skeptical; change my clothes!? This outfit required thought! So he reaches in the back seat and pulls out a grey, woolly-looking mock-neck sweater that buttons up at the top, and I decide it is cute and a healthy alternative to the look I am presently rocking (despite the wind fucking up my hair royally.)
Walking toward the building, he asks if I know what we are doing, and I reply that no, I do not. And then I see the words on the small-ish sign in front of the building.
"Are you taking me ice-skating?" He nods with that gentle grin.
Ladies and gentlemen, let me stop you right in your tracks because in my mind, I froze. Everyone has an image in their mind of what a perfect date is. You might not tell people what your idea is, but you have one formed in a very careful, perfectly devised way. You know how you would want to feel, you know how you would want it to play out, you know what each step of the way would be. I myself have never verbalized my idea of the perfect date because to me, it was not something a random guy would think about, let alone have the courage to do. I have always wanted to be surprised on a first date by being taken ice-skating, and that is the absolute and honest truth. Whether J believed (or believes) me or not, he could not have possibly hit it any farther out of the park than he did in that moment.
First we couldn't find where you could rent skates for the rink. Then we found it, and they only accepted cash. So J gets cash, we return, and discover they don't have size 13 monster skates for my boat feet, so I take a size 11 ("They run big!" says the girl) and hope to CHRIST that they fit. They don't, and trust me, I was trying pretty desperately to shove my feet in them. Head hung low, thinking I have ruined this perfect attempt at a date, we return the skates to the girl. She then says she has a pair of figure skates in size 13, and if that was okay, I could try them. What the fuck do I care? I've never worn a pair of ice-skates in my life, like I would know the difference between figure skates and hockey skates? Pfft. I'm almost shaking in excitement as I get them laced up, knowing that J's plan will go through as intended.
My feet felt like rubber on the ice, and I clung to that railing for dear life right away. I thought about letting go of the rail after a couple laps, wondering if I trusted myself in that I knew what I was doing. That thought process extended beyond the railing at that point, however... it transcended through me and into my very core.
Did I trust myself enough to let go of my inhibitions, to realize that I had come to terms with my past in what was really just 8 months? The dreaded ex moved on within days but for me it seemingly felt like an eternity. There were plenty of sleepless nights, there were plenty of conversations with Katie Reynolds asking "why is it so easy for him?" I knew eventually the day would come where I'd realize that my goal the whole time had been to find myself once more; it wasn't to figure out why I wasn't enough for the dreaded ex. The point in being "enough" for someone else suddenly seemed lost to me. When that moment of realization came, it was magical... it is breathtaking... because it finally dawned on me that I had indeed found myself once more; that the person I had always been never really left. And someone else was finally noticing me for me, not the circumstances surrounding me. I let go of the rail.
If I had to follow that with a quote, it would be from Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield. "Release your inhibitions; feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in."
We skated together for an hour. Or maybe it was less... for the second time in three days, I lost track of time. The conversation never stopped, it never hindered. It flowed as easily as the blades on our feet cutting across the ice. After skating we went to dinner at HuHot, which I thought was funny (in my head) because it was where the dreaded ex and I were supposed to go on our first date so long ago. It didn't work out that night, we (actually, I,) had to rethink it all and find another restaurant. What I found interesting about J was that, like the dreaded ex, the first event of the evening (skating) was nearly thwarted by external forces. Unlike the dreaded ex, however, J overcame these odds and persevered. And it was fantastic.
We switched cars from his to mine after dinner, and I drove us to Aloft for drinks at the XYZ bar (seeing as it was only 8:00.) We played a rousing game of chess, sipped cocktails, and just talked. And it was the simplicity of those details I am still reliving in my mind. I wanted to use some of my points to have him over for a movie date sometime soon, which he agreed to. Eventually, though suddenly when it happened, I realized it was nearly midnight and that our evening should draw itself to a close. I drove us back to J's car, then said I would walk him to his door. Mostly because I am a loser like that. We said a few words of goodbye, planned on a second date, and then I did what I had been planning on doing all night.
I asked if I could cash in some more points.
"Sure."
I asked if I could kiss him. That gentle grin took shape.
"Yes."
And I did. And it was great... it was fantastic... it was the perfect end to what will go down in my head as, unequivocally, the most perfect date I could ever imagine. I probably won't write about the details of our next date, or any of the others after that if they indeed do happen. My reason in writing this blog tonight was to enlighten you, my friends and my family, that change for the better can happen. That people can slip through the cracks. How, when you see the world crumble around you and wonder how you are ever going to pick up the pieces again, sometimes all it takes is a super hero to reach for your hand.
To quote J, AKA the Green Lantern, from his Facebook post following our goodbyes: "I love point systems!"
I love point systems, too (c:
Goodnight everyone.
So today marked my 7th day of a 9 day stretch, which normally would have me clawing at the walls in an attempt to escape the store but this time, it doesn't. For you see, dear reader, there has been a change in my world as of late, and no amount of work could exhaust me in my current state. Last week I posted about my hero-filled Halloween adventures, a large portion of it having to do with a new found appreciation for the Green Lantern. I mentioned that he and I had been talking a little more, and that was where I left you hanging. Most of you probably weren't hanging, but I like to think I have an impact that profound, so just roll with it.
The Green Lantern, by the way, shall just be referred to as J from now on so as to a) grant him a certain amount of anonymity (saving me some typing time) and to b) save him from an onslaught of Facebook stalking. You know who you are, and you should know that I'm on to you!
J and I actually talked all week long... mostly all day long, every day. Sometimes there were gaps of a couple hours, but never much more than that. Lots of questions around things we liked or did not like, "what would you do if's" and of course the playful and flirtatious teasing that seems so customary. Regardless, it all added up to such a strong curiosity that we devised a point system. J kept telling me I was earning points, and I asked if I would be able to cash them in for anything, such as skittles or a hug. He replied that skittles cost 5 points, and a hug cost a fair amount more. As for an actual date, I had to keep growing my accumulating pool. You may think I am dwelling too much on the points but stick with me, my story gets better.
Eventually we get to the point of wanting to meet for a coffee date. J decided to cash in some of his points to earn the date, with the hope that his remaining points would multiply at said coffee date and would be enough to request an "official" date. Long story short, we met for coffee Friday morning and sat for 3 hours and 50 minutes in Starbucks, talking. And talking and talking and talking, and not realizing time had gone by so quickly until it was time for me to leave for work. It was kind of amazing solely because I, who abide by the rules of time to a T, don't usually lose track of it. And I did that day.
After the quick hug goodbye (I kept thinking "Sean, you didn't cash points in for this... make it fast so he doesn't notice,") he asked if he could take me on a real date. I didn't really have to think before answering with a resounding yes. So we set it up for Sunday night and that was that. Friday and Saturday streaked by for me, but Sunday was awful. The morning was fast, sure, but then I took my break and time seemed to stop. I can't really describe it as nerves... I think part of me was still thinking that he would take me to (insert-common-restaurant-here) for dinner and then off to the movies. Because that is what happens on every first date, right? Dinner where you can make small talk and get to know each other just enough to decide if the other is fucking crazy or not, and then a dark theater where you can possibly hold hands and rub knees. Kiss afterwards, drive home, and then wait and see if it blows up or goes on. These nights often result in me rolling my eyes multiple times (without being seen) and then getting annoyed with SOME sort of detail about the guy. Once that detail had to do with a weird wrinkle between someone's eyes (not naming names,) and another time it had to do with someone who didn't have finger nails on three of his fingers, just skin. True story.
J didn't abide by that logic.
I changed my clothes quickly at the store to amp up my look (a white button-up, army green tie, my skinny jeans and a dark brown corduroy blazer, natch.) Having that finished, I gave myself the once-over and then marched out, head held high, guard somewhat raised as to what the evening would entail. J was waiting outside the store for me, with a bouquet of flowers and roses in his very capable hands.
I don't have any problem in revealing here that every guard I had instantly crumbled in that instant. The blush was like a warm wave that washed through my cheeks, and the smile on my mouth could not be contained. I hugged him and accepted the bouquet, wondering how wrong I was in my assumptions. Seriously. You can say and do a lot of things but inside you know better than anyone what your doubts are in other people and you alone know how, for some, it takes a lot for them to prove themselves. How had he proved himself in that one, simple gesture of flowers?
Because it had never happened to me before, that's why.
After dropping my belongings off at the Jeep, I grabbed a CD I had made him and just decided to give it to him right away. I had said I would give him my "gift" if he played his cards right, and in that moment I didn't think it would get any better. The CD wouldn't play in his car, which was fine by me because my mind was still stuck in a vortex of wonder and I didn't think I could handle explaining my song choices and why they were amazing. I don't mean that how it sounds, lol; I personally loved the songs I put on, that isn't to say they are the best songs ever made, but I digress.
We take off in the car and J's GPS is leading the way. I have no idea where the hell we are going because I don't know shit about Green Bay, and neither does he, coincidentally. I keep throwing out random guesses about the date (which I had been doing since the date was made (including but not limited to a helicopter ride, being picked up by a jet on the mall roof, leaving the country, or at that point in time, being murdered in the field behind a Mobil station.)) After only a few minutes we pull up outside this huge building, get out of the car, and J tells me he brought me a sweater to wear because I might want to change. IMMEDIATELY I am skeptical; change my clothes!? This outfit required thought! So he reaches in the back seat and pulls out a grey, woolly-looking mock-neck sweater that buttons up at the top, and I decide it is cute and a healthy alternative to the look I am presently rocking (despite the wind fucking up my hair royally.)
Walking toward the building, he asks if I know what we are doing, and I reply that no, I do not. And then I see the words on the small-ish sign in front of the building.
"Are you taking me ice-skating?" He nods with that gentle grin.
Ladies and gentlemen, let me stop you right in your tracks because in my mind, I froze. Everyone has an image in their mind of what a perfect date is. You might not tell people what your idea is, but you have one formed in a very careful, perfectly devised way. You know how you would want to feel, you know how you would want it to play out, you know what each step of the way would be. I myself have never verbalized my idea of the perfect date because to me, it was not something a random guy would think about, let alone have the courage to do. I have always wanted to be surprised on a first date by being taken ice-skating, and that is the absolute and honest truth. Whether J believed (or believes) me or not, he could not have possibly hit it any farther out of the park than he did in that moment.
First we couldn't find where you could rent skates for the rink. Then we found it, and they only accepted cash. So J gets cash, we return, and discover they don't have size 13 monster skates for my boat feet, so I take a size 11 ("They run big!" says the girl) and hope to CHRIST that they fit. They don't, and trust me, I was trying pretty desperately to shove my feet in them. Head hung low, thinking I have ruined this perfect attempt at a date, we return the skates to the girl. She then says she has a pair of figure skates in size 13, and if that was okay, I could try them. What the fuck do I care? I've never worn a pair of ice-skates in my life, like I would know the difference between figure skates and hockey skates? Pfft. I'm almost shaking in excitement as I get them laced up, knowing that J's plan will go through as intended.
My feet felt like rubber on the ice, and I clung to that railing for dear life right away. I thought about letting go of the rail after a couple laps, wondering if I trusted myself in that I knew what I was doing. That thought process extended beyond the railing at that point, however... it transcended through me and into my very core.
Did I trust myself enough to let go of my inhibitions, to realize that I had come to terms with my past in what was really just 8 months? The dreaded ex moved on within days but for me it seemingly felt like an eternity. There were plenty of sleepless nights, there were plenty of conversations with Katie Reynolds asking "why is it so easy for him?" I knew eventually the day would come where I'd realize that my goal the whole time had been to find myself once more; it wasn't to figure out why I wasn't enough for the dreaded ex. The point in being "enough" for someone else suddenly seemed lost to me. When that moment of realization came, it was magical... it is breathtaking... because it finally dawned on me that I had indeed found myself once more; that the person I had always been never really left. And someone else was finally noticing me for me, not the circumstances surrounding me. I let go of the rail.
If I had to follow that with a quote, it would be from Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield. "Release your inhibitions; feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in."
We skated together for an hour. Or maybe it was less... for the second time in three days, I lost track of time. The conversation never stopped, it never hindered. It flowed as easily as the blades on our feet cutting across the ice. After skating we went to dinner at HuHot, which I thought was funny (in my head) because it was where the dreaded ex and I were supposed to go on our first date so long ago. It didn't work out that night, we (actually, I,) had to rethink it all and find another restaurant. What I found interesting about J was that, like the dreaded ex, the first event of the evening (skating) was nearly thwarted by external forces. Unlike the dreaded ex, however, J overcame these odds and persevered. And it was fantastic.
We switched cars from his to mine after dinner, and I drove us to Aloft for drinks at the XYZ bar (seeing as it was only 8:00.) We played a rousing game of chess, sipped cocktails, and just talked. And it was the simplicity of those details I am still reliving in my mind. I wanted to use some of my points to have him over for a movie date sometime soon, which he agreed to. Eventually, though suddenly when it happened, I realized it was nearly midnight and that our evening should draw itself to a close. I drove us back to J's car, then said I would walk him to his door. Mostly because I am a loser like that. We said a few words of goodbye, planned on a second date, and then I did what I had been planning on doing all night.
I asked if I could cash in some more points.
"Sure."
I asked if I could kiss him. That gentle grin took shape.
"Yes."
And I did. And it was great... it was fantastic... it was the perfect end to what will go down in my head as, unequivocally, the most perfect date I could ever imagine. I probably won't write about the details of our next date, or any of the others after that if they indeed do happen. My reason in writing this blog tonight was to enlighten you, my friends and my family, that change for the better can happen. That people can slip through the cracks. How, when you see the world crumble around you and wonder how you are ever going to pick up the pieces again, sometimes all it takes is a super hero to reach for your hand.
To quote J, AKA the Green Lantern, from his Facebook post following our goodbyes: "I love point systems!"
I love point systems, too (c:
Goodnight everyone.
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