a lurking emotion

This is a mopey blog, and I apologize in only a small way.  It is, after all, my blog.  And you are, in the end, just a reader.  Proceed if you'd like.

It's hard for me not too look back and still feel that twinge.  Nostalgia... hurt... happiness.  Whatever you want it to be, really.  The reality is that it is all of those things at once yet none of them at the same time.  Indescribable, maybe.  It doesn't hurt like it used to, and it doesn't make me smile like it had at one point.  But it does fill me with an odd sort of feeling of content.  Content with how things had once been, maybe content with how they ultimately turned out.  I don't know.

I seem to say that a lot lately.

I'm of course referring to the old relationship.  What is it about seeing a person for the first time in a long time, whose face has changed so much and so little, for better AND worse, that brings back the thoughts?  If you'd asked me a year and half ago when it ended how I would have felt right now, I don't think I could have answered.  Maybe you have to survive it to know?

I rehashed the dark deeds of the dreaded ex yesterday, for the first time in... coming up on a year, I suppose.  The last person I talked to about it was J, and that would have been November 2011.  It's amazing that after so much time I can still get so angry about how it all happened.  In the immediate aftermath I felt like some horrible, unjust thing had blindsided me.  And of course it had, but that was the sole overwhelming feeling at the time.  Then it was a lot of sadness, and then a lot of anger, and then a lot of making fun of the dreaded ex and all that he entailed.  How else do you move on, right?

This January when I nailed #1 of the 26 Golden Things (Letting it die; the realization you are finally over your ex,) I pushed him out of my head.  Every now and then he would get mentioned, mostly in these blogs because I use my own hardships as a form of comic relief, but also in real life.  I heard the rumblings of what he was doing and with who, and about his relationship ending with the guy he subsequently ended ours for.  I always had that mentality of "Hey, so-and-so (insert random friend here,) guess what that idiot is doing?" and it kept everything okay.

I'm not getting ready to say I still have feelings for him.  Don't worry.

But tonight I saw a picture of him as he is now... almost like you see the picture of what was once a great species and then the picture of the final member left.  What it has become.  Bad analogy, sorry.  I don't want to say it is a swell of pity that rises inside of me, but it is something like it.  Not that I think my life is the best it could ever be right now in comparison, but it just... I took a different road than he did.  That's all.

I started flipping through the Mobile Uploads album on my Facebook while lying in bed a little bit ago and forgot that I never deleted a lot of the pictures from my past.  He's gone from them all, obviously, but there were a few that remained.

Pictures of the snowstorm while living in Wrightstown, chief among them.

It was early December 2010; I was working until 6:00 that night at Express at the Fox River Mall and the storm was only just beginning to thicken up.  One of those hot gossip pieces that fills the verbal cloud around you all day.  "When's it going to get here?"  "How big will it be?"  "Think they'll close the mall tomorrow?"  When my shift was over I went out to the Jeep and dusted off the light snow covering it, worried that my balding tires wouldn't be great on the highway on the ride home.  So I took the city streets, doubled my trip time, but made it back safely.

If I close my eyes now I can still remember how it smelled walking into the house.  Wall-flowers of Cinnamon and "Winter" scents from Bath&Body Works; the light pine aroma from the Christmas tree we had cut down ourselves and erected just a few days earlier.  The counters were clean because "he" was working a double shift, and whenever that happened, I would clean before work to make myself feel useful and to have order when I came home.  By that point the snow had really started and so had the wind.  I made myself a tall cup of hot chocolate and turned the lights on in the trees outside before snuggling into the couch with Paolo and Sophia.

I fell asleep for a little while watching Christmas movies and thinking about how great things were.  Being in love, being content with my life.  Enjoying myself and the carefree world I was finding myself in.  This might sound mushy and boring to you but thinking about this makes me feel like I am opening my chest up for everyone to see inside.  That I am opening it up for me to see inside and maybe gain a little perspective in the process.

Sometimes I'm afraid I'm never going to feel that way again, the way I did on that night.  Excited at the prospect of a storm and waiting for my love to come home so that we could enjoy it together.  Presents under the tree already, a fireplace crackling and two soft kitties wedged behind my knees.  Looking back on it I feel like it was too good to be true, and, truth be told, it was.  But in that moment it was real.

It was tangible.

I've been so wrapped up in my list of things to accomplish this year that I haven't had much time to turn that focus onto my love life.  And once more, if I'm being honest, I don't want a love life.  Not right now at least.  Not for the foreseeable future.  You guys... my friends, my family, my readers... most of you know me.  Some of you are starting to really get to know me.  You're starting to see that I put myself out there with my thoughts and feelings on a whole multitude of things.  But in a relationship I'm different; it's the heart that comes out for that special person.  And I'm not ready to share that part again.  Not with anyone.

I hate to be a mope but this blog was meant to be a vessel for my words and you're along for the ride.  Hope they didn't bore you too much.  Hell, this next blog was supposed to be about another item on my list that I have started crossing off, but I felt it would be pre-emptive to blog about it as it won't be done for awhile.  I took the first step towards something very important yesterday, that's all.  So just know that "#16 The ______ betrayal; finally _____ rid __ __ _____ _____" is in the works and will be divulged in the nearish future.  Until then... live long and prosper?

Hi-ho silver away.

the wedding

There's something about the crispness of the air that denotes a shift not only in the atmosphere but in the moods of the people around you.  You start seeing sweaters and all of the mannequins in clothing stores  are suddenly wearing jeans and jackets.  The idea of pumpkins and cinnamon sticks doesn't necessarily make you groan anymore, nor does the thought of grabbing a blanket and reading a book beside a window in the afternoon sunlight.  You have, in fact, started to realize that summer is drawing to a close and the fall season is swiftly moving in.  I was very reluctant to see it this year, because to me, fall couldn't really begin until summer was really over, and that is usually marked by some sort of event.  This year, it was marked by @klreynol getting married.

Now, I'm not big on weddings.  I'll say it right now.  In fact, it wouldn't really be me going out on a limb by saying that I tend to dread them.  Bad banquet halls, bad food (you all know what I'm talking about (the "stuffing" that looks like babyshit mixed with hair and a leaf.))  I find that most brides and grooms tend to have illusions of grandeur about their respective days of celebration and few ever really live up to it, mostly due to the fact that the amount of money required to support the dreams for  a"perfect" wedding doesn't exist for the people I often surround myself with.

Note to self; get richer friends.

Anyway, because @klreynol is one of the Bests and because I was her Man of Honor (sharing the duty with her younger sister, bonafide Maid of Honor,) this whole experience was going to be a titch different than those of the past.  Mostly due to me being involved and shouldering my way in when I wasn't.  Regardless, the events surrounding the wedding day and those leading up to it allowed me to cross off not one, and not two, but three things from my list of 26 Golden Things.

#13 Appease the bride; execute a bachelorette party.
#14 Sharing a soul mate; watch my best friend get married.
#15 From pen to mouth; deliver a heartfelt speech... and nail it.

I'm probably not going to make this doozy as long as you think it would be.  I find that by giving a play-by-play of the ways I achieved my 26 Golden Things, they tend to get stale.  And this bitch doesn't wanna get stale, hey-o!

The last weekend of July was the agreed upon time for the bachelorette party.  Initially I met with the bridal party in February to discuss preliminary ideas as to what we would do for @klreynol.  I will say that what we planned in that initial meeting was not necessarily what would eventually occur, but that's totally cool because things evolve and our ideas did as well.  Remarkably, a gay guy and three girls managed to keep the whole event a secret from @klreynol until we had ALMOST arrived.  You can't really take someone on the highway and expect them not to notice all signs pointing to "Door County."  She's pretty smart, and we didn't blindfold her.

Would have been more fun if we had though.

The weekend was pretty terrific, all-in-all.  Not everything went as according to plan as I would have preferred but that's what happens when you are in a group, and I understand.  We went to Door County and stayed at the Cliff Dweller's Resort, a place which greatly exceeded (at least my own) expectations.  Great view, great condo, great time.  I won't say great again and WHOOPS I just did.  We went to a hokey yet fun fair in Carlsville, indulged in a winery tour, ate at a fun Irish restaurant, I got hit on by a waiter who said I looked like Matt Damon... you know, the usual.  We got some swimming in and rode bikes to the state park with those provided by the hotel.  It was fun and super relaxing, I must say.  Even for me, and I drove!

I wasn't the sole party responsible for the weekend getaway, but I had a large hand in it and it was the first time I had been involved in such a process.  Were it to happen again (ahem, @caitcd) I would have a slightly better idea of what to plan for and what to do.  But I think in the end it was a good trip and allowed me to cross the mid-point of my 26 things (c:

Now on to the good stuff.

A lot of factors went into me being able to stand in the wedding.  It was important to @klreynol, it was VERY important to me, and I felt it was important to everyone else to see me up there being amazing ::tosses hair:: When it was deemed "ok" by the pastor that I could in fact stand on her side during the ceremony, the amount of relief taken off my shoulders was astounding.  Even though it wasn't "my" day and "my" family, I had started to feel that ugly feeling of "well if I can't stand on YOUR side then I don't want to stand AT ALL!"  Those feelings are typically followed by a person stomping away and slamming a bedroom door.  Obviously and luckily, that wasn't the case as @klreynol went to bat for me and won.  It's a great feeling when your best friend doesn't back down to the pressure being exerted by others... and I don't think I ever fully conveyed that to her.  She would know my feelings eventually on the day of the wedding, however, when I would deliver the speech I had been working on for a few months.

So we're at the day of, on August 10th.  The above picture was taken just before I drove @klreynol to the church... and for some reason as I typed that I started tearing up.  It's one thing to look at a person and say "Hey, we've known each other since 1998!  LoLz, OMG!" It's another thing to look at a person you've known since you were 12 years old and realize you are driving them toward one of the biggest days of their lives.  I would have loved to have driven her alone, and it's fine that I didn't (we had another bridesmaid with us,) but it doesn't erase the desire.  The original best friends, alone before the collective drawing of the breath and then the swelling of applause as "I do" rings out through the church.

If it wasn't for the video footage provided by my excellent date for the day, @SleetyBoots, I don't think I could recall walking down the aisle.  I wouldn't recall standing at an angle, watching the vows, sitting and rising and sitting again, and then eventually making my way back up the aisle to the foyer.  Every moment of it ended up being a blur and I have to wonder if that is how it is for the bride and groom as well.  A thousand eyes trained on you (or past you, as it were,) several thousand dollars invested, and the thought that part of you won't ever be the same again after that brief moment.

All I could think about while I stood on those steps and watched my best friend take one big step away from me was what the past was like.  What the mistakes were that I had made along the way.  It was everything and nothing, all at the same time.  Seeing "What Lies Beneath" three times together at the Valley Fair Mall... recapping my trip to California in the summer of 1999 while she listened in courtesy and drank a Dr. Pepper on the blue carpet of my old bedroom floor... taking long walks and talking about how things were going to be better in the future.  The laughter, the tears, the hugs, the letters, the fights, the love, the stories... the words.

There have been a lot of words.  I've got words, just... coming out of my fucking ears.  The particular set of them I had written for my "Man of Honor" speech were meant to be light, funny, not overly serious, and delivered with a cool, calm tone.  It was while I was watching @klreynol and @jpemerick exchange vows that I realized how important those words were really going to be.  And how important it would be that I not fuck it up.

After the ceremony and the ensuing pictures, we were off to the Grand Meridian for dinner and the reception.  I was absolutely sick to my stomach about giving the speech once we walked in the door and I could see how many people had arrived.  The wedding itself had been deceiving, due to the fact that it was at 1:30 in the afternoon on a Friday.  A lot of people were working, and looking at THAT crowd, I thought "Ok, you can do this."

Well it tripled at the Grand Meridian.

Some of you may not know this, but when it comes to my history in giving speeches, I am, how do you say it... a total pussy?  The speech I rambled off at my 26th birthday party was an absolute mess for two reasons: 1) it wasn't planned, and as such, I made it WAY too emotional, and 2) I kept crying.  Crying pretty hard.

Immediately I went to the bar and got a beer.  I downed it quickly, and got another beer.  They started getting people to their seats for dinner, and by then I had finished my second and was on to my third beer.  Liquid courage, hard at work.  I had recited the speech dozens of times by that point.  Literally, it had been dozens.  Over and over and over again.  I'd say it in front of the mirror, finish and smile, then say it again.  I'd do it in voices (creepy gay southerner voice, "Grey Gardens" voice, straight voice, and British voice to name a few.)  I requested specifically to go last, due partly to the fact that I wanted to see my death coming and also because my speech rounded up the rest in a particular way.

First, @jpemerick's best man rambled one off.  Then a few minutes later, @klreynol's sister, official Maid of Honor, got up and recited hers.  I was SUPER nervous by then because as she was giving hers, this weird music kept playing (not from the DJ) and drowning her voice out.  I didn't need that shit happening to me!  When she was done she handed me the microphone and I set it down with a shaking hand.  I finished my third beer and took a swig from my fourth (don't JUDGE me!) And then I just... got this rush.  A rush that told me it was time to stand up, take a deep breath, smile with that genuine Parker smile, and let 'em have it.

So I did.

I was going to post the video first but I'd rather post the speech instead.  You can read what I said (and later see where I improvised,) note that everything in bold is what I forgot to say, and then judge for yourself how I did.  I only choked up twice, so look for the (......) below to see where it was.  You won't see it in the video, as the camera filming me FUCKED UP and didn't record part of the speech.  Then you can watch the video... or you can skip the words below and just watch the video anyway.  I can't stop ya!

          "Hello room; good greetings, glad tidings, happy day and all of that.  My name is Sean Parker; AKA that guy on Katie's side of the wedding to which you may have thought "one of these is not like the other."  I know that traditionally these speeches are reserved for the best man and the maid of honor, respectively, but seeing as I am such a fantastic combination of the two, I only felt it appropriate if I took a well-intended if not somewhat long-winded stab at it.

          Katie and I have known each other for approximately 14 years.  To clarify, it's been 13 years, nine months, three weeks four days and approximately five hours but who's really counting?  Some of us measure time through hours and some of us measure it through memories, and eventually there is such a conglomerate of them that the span you've known a person seems like it has been a lifetime.  It feels like it has been a lifetime.  I remember being introduced to Katie by my girlfriend ((cough)) at the time, who Katie was best friends with.  Looking back on it, I think it was one of those clandestine events where the stars aline and fate rises in its splendid greeting.  I can remember that moment very well.  I can remember it just as clearly as I remember Katie's car door flinging open after an 8th grade school dance while in my mom's suburban, nearly spilling her out to Calumet street.  Good thing for seatbelts!

          Several years ago when Katie was attending Michigan Tech, she and I were having a late night chat session through texting.  We got to talking about friendships and relationships and that was when Katie told me she felt a person could have many soul mates in life, and that I was one of hers.  And actually, the only one at that time.  It struck me in that moment for two reasons, 1) because no one had ever said that to me and 2) because I felt it too.  And it was, she and I became soul mates.

          Then that other tall guy came along.

          The first time I met Jake was when they had driven down from Houghton to Appleton for a visit.  We would be going to dinner at Los Compadres.  Immediately I was struck by his height.  Holy crap.  But aside from that, he seemed nice.  And if you know how Katie and I are when we get together, you know we like to talk.  And Jake will always be engrained in my mind as the guy that fell asleep in the booth of a Mexican restaurant the first time I met him.

          Now allegedly I'm supposed to toss in a quote here and while I would LOVE to quote a movie, I felt it best to nod and wink at the Irish heritage we have prevalent in this room.  I would do this all with an excellent Irish brogue if I felt I could maintain it, but alas, I cannot.  Here it goes: Katie and Jake, there are a few bits of advice I'd like to share with you for your marriage; never steal, lie, or cheat.  (Video cut out here) But if you must steal, steal away each other's sorrows.  If you must lie, lie in each other's arms all the nights of your lives.  And if you must cheat, please cheat death so that neither will ever be alone.

          (Video cut out here) I've been told that I have a certain way with words but there comes a point in any self-proclaimed author's life when words just escape them.  Katie, you are my best friend (......) you have been since that fateful day in 7th grade and you will be for the rest of my life.  That is just how soul mates work.  I am so happy for you (......) and I am so over-joyed that you have not only found the love of your life in Jake, but that you have also found someone taller than me to stand beside in pictures.  And Jake, if you can continue to love Katie as much if not so much more than I already do, I will know that she is not only in good hands but that I am sharing the title of soul mate with someone who has completely and whole-heartedly earned it.

          So however you measure time, be it in hours, memories or toasts, let us have one more to the latter: To Katie and Jake; may your happily ever after's merely set the stage, to what will surely become one of the greatest love stories of our time.  Here-here."

And that was it.  I was done.  And while some of the words were missed and some of the footage is gone, it will live forever inside of me.  I may not remember much about the ceremony but I will never forget standing up there near my best friend and providing her with words that were only really meant for her to hear.  Words that said that I was ok.  That I was going to be ok.

Are you really surprised I'm making this about me?

Oh, you are?

...why?

I have a really hard time when my friends get married.  I used to think it was selfish of me but over time it began to prove itself as factual.  When people get married, they change.  They become more of a "unit" than they were before, and that "unit" doesn't tend to include anyone else.  They get "serious" and decide they need to grow up and in the process, they leave you behind.  It doesn't matter if you agree with me or not... it is what happens.  It is what has happened.  Sometimes kids are involved, sometimes it's a new job or house that changes the game.  But it happens.  And my biggest fear going into this whole thing was that I would not only be relinquishing my title of the solitary soul mate, but that I would be letting go of the best friend I've ever had.

It's a tough thing to get past, even at 26 years old.  Maybe I should have made that one of the Golden things?  I don't know.  I wanted her to know that if I kept it together during the speech, that I would continue to keep it together.  And I will.  I will keep it up forever, because as I said, it is just what soul mates do.  I AM so happy for her and I really AM so overjoyed that she has achieved such a monumental thing.  There were so many factors that could have changed this wedding, from the health of certain individuals to the private friendships of others.  But they didn't, and it was better because of it.

Anyway, I said I wouldn't make this long and oopsie--oh-shit, I've gone and done quite the opposite.  But really the whole point was to prove that I haven't given up on my "bucket list" of sorts, just that I've been gathering events like a fat kid gathers cakes.

#13 Appease the bride; execute a bachelorette party
#14 Sharing a soulmate; watch my best friend get married
#15 From pen to mouth; deliver a heartfelt speech... and nail it.

That's all I've got for tonight, kiddos.  Watch for my owl (c:

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and then there were 4

Well hello there, wayward internet browser.  Welcome.

Have you ever seen Spider-Man 2?  The one with Alfred Molina as Doctor Otto Octavius, AKA Doctor Octopus?  In the movie he is working on building a fusion reactor that will provide clean and renewable energy from a globule of matter as powerful as the sun.  This glowing ball of light hovers in a machine with magnetized arms that sustain it, keeping it in balance.  If you can't picture it, I shall provide you will an image.  Exhibit A:

Ignore Doc Ock.  So you can kind of tell by the picture but like the sun, the reactor has these bursts of light coming out.  They end up getting pretty large and in charge until they consequently destroy everything around them.  Since you're going with me so willingly on this, I'd like to interject that I am viewing that orb as one of my relationships with one of my "bests."  Observe.

You meet a person and a spark ignites inside of you; not all the time, but with the people you find interesting.  Y'all know what I'm talking about because it is the driving force behind most of your relationships or it was at some point.  That sparks grows and grows with the relationship, and in my eyes it grows into a bubble of sorts.  Invisible, of course, but always there like a beating heart.  Maybe I just look at it this way because I'm sentimental, but if I wasn't, then I wouldn't cry at superhero movies.  Shouldn't have written that.

Eventually, like the good Doctor's nuclear reactor, the relationship becomes self-sustaining.  You don't have to keep adding new information to help it grow, because you have established a base that it can reside on.  This comes after an indeterminate amount of time but that all depends on the person.  Sooner or later you come to see the flaws in the other half of the relationship, I know I do.  Usually the flaws aren't necessarily "flaws" as they are the bits and pieces of potential problems that could arise sometime down the line but ones you ignore.  Like the small arcs in the above picture.

Within every relationship there is something like a seam, usually buried beneath the smiles but one that can be exposed as something ugly.  Something unnecessary.  Unnecessary because it would take a cold day in hell for those problems in the seam to rear their ugly heads in the daylight.  But like the fusion reactor, sometimes a problem explodes outward from the core of the relationship and it destroys everything in its wake.  And it's a scary thing to realize how quickly something so great can go to utter shit, but it happens.

Just did, in fact.

Mrs. S and I have cut off the ties.  To (kinda) quote Pirates of the Caribbean, we were "released from our human bonds."  And it sucks, really... I can make light of it as much as I want but a relationship of 7 years is gone now, and from here, there won't be any going back.  Not on my part.  I had planned on writing this big lament to the things that were but somehow I have lost any drive to do so.  I'm still so angry over it that there aren't really any kind words to write.

I think when you have someone offer to pay you to stay out of their life, a part of you withers up and falls away.  The bubble of our relationship suddenly and quite effectively has burst wide open.  That statement of course coming at the tail-end of a conversation that involved me asking for an apology three times and her failing to deliver on even one.  I'd get more specific but that isn't really the point.  It's the precise reason I choose not to name names in these, because WERE something like this ever to happen, I wouldn't have to throw anyone under the proverbial bus.

I don't wish her ill, nor do I wish any negativity to come her way.  In a lot of ways the relationship ended with a sigh and not a bang, and that is a luxury I'm rarely if ever afforded.  The dreaded-ex ended in quite the bang (him banging someone else, natch.)  What I do wish is that egos could have been put aside, on one of our parts if not both, and that this could have slid away like so many squabbles before.  But it didn't happen like that, and with the "seam" of the relationship exposed it allowed all sorts of horrors to come through.

Without trying to give myself too much credit, I came to realize this past year that by labeling a select few of my friends (five of them) as the "bests" it meant they were untouchable.  It meant they were the only people I surrounded myself with to create a shield of sorts, and that would never change.  @caitcd even asked once if there would be an audition process each year to stay as one of the bests.  I said no, with a laugh, not really thinking about the thought too seriously.  The bests were there because I needed them to be; they had grown increasingly close to me over time and I figured such a label was fitting if not finite.

I didn't realize that over time I would start to feel regret over the labels, because like an oceans tide, friendships ebb and flow.

While some stay my side no matter what (I like to think it's because they are too bored to branch out away from me (haha (sad panda))) others tend to wander away.  And that's alright, really, because if you can't grow separately without growing apart then what is the use in being friends in the first place?  That being said, it's difficult to categorize someone as a "best" when you hardly if ever see them.  If you ever even talk to them... and in a way that played a part in all of this.  Too many broken promises, to many illusions of grandeur fallen by the wayside.  It is what it is.

There is something to be said about the demise of a friendship, and that is the will and desire to push yourself so far beyond what they knew you as.  That way, should you ever reconnect, you will (hopefully) have changed into someone even more impressive.  I suppose I cemented over the big-brother-esque nature of our lives by deleting her from Facebook and Twitter and all of the various other channels of which we as a society have become silent purveyors to our friends and family.

Will we reconnect someday?  Maybe.  Do I want to?  Not especially.  It is what it is and maybe it is how it always should have been.  People come into our lives to push us in a direction we hadn't noticed before, and she certainly did that for me.  Now I just need to make use of it.

Next blog is a happy one, lol, I promise.  Weddings and speeches and smiles, oh my!  And feel free to hit "like" on the new fanpage.  What a self-promotor I've become!

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