It's hard for me not too look back and still feel that twinge. Nostalgia... hurt... happiness. Whatever you want it to be, really. The reality is that it is all of those things at once yet none of them at the same time. Indescribable, maybe. It doesn't hurt like it used to, and it doesn't make me smile like it had at one point. But it does fill me with an odd sort of feeling of content. Content with how things had once been, maybe content with how they ultimately turned out. I don't know.
I seem to say that a lot lately.
I'm of course referring to the old relationship. What is it about seeing a person for the first time in a long time, whose face has changed so much and so little, for better AND worse, that brings back the thoughts? If you'd asked me a year and half ago when it ended how I would have felt right now, I don't think I could have answered. Maybe you have to survive it to know?
I rehashed the dark deeds of the dreaded ex yesterday, for the first time in... coming up on a year, I suppose. The last person I talked to about it was J, and that would have been November 2011. It's amazing that after so much time I can still get so angry about how it all happened. In the immediate aftermath I felt like some horrible, unjust thing had blindsided me. And of course it had, but that was the sole overwhelming feeling at the time. Then it was a lot of sadness, and then a lot of anger, and then a lot of making fun of the dreaded ex and all that he entailed. How else do you move on, right?
This January when I nailed #1 of the 26 Golden Things (Letting it die; the realization you are finally over your ex,) I pushed him out of my head. Every now and then he would get mentioned, mostly in these blogs because I use my own hardships as a form of comic relief, but also in real life. I heard the rumblings of what he was doing and with who, and about his relationship ending with the guy he subsequently ended ours for. I always had that mentality of "Hey, so-and-so (insert random friend here,) guess what that idiot is doing?" and it kept everything okay.
I'm not getting ready to say I still have feelings for him. Don't worry.
But tonight I saw a picture of him as he is now... almost like you see the picture of what was once a great species and then the picture of the final member left. What it has become. Bad analogy, sorry. I don't want to say it is a swell of pity that rises inside of me, but it is something like it. Not that I think my life is the best it could ever be right now in comparison, but it just... I took a different road than he did. That's all.
I started flipping through the Mobile Uploads album on my Facebook while lying in bed a little bit ago and forgot that I never deleted a lot of the pictures from my past. He's gone from them all, obviously, but there were a few that remained.
Pictures of the snowstorm while living in Wrightstown, chief among them.
It was early December 2010; I was working until 6:00 that night at Express at the Fox River Mall and the storm was only just beginning to thicken up. One of those hot gossip pieces that fills the verbal cloud around you all day. "When's it going to get here?" "How big will it be?" "Think they'll close the mall tomorrow?" When my shift was over I went out to the Jeep and dusted off the light snow covering it, worried that my balding tires wouldn't be great on the highway on the ride home. So I took the city streets, doubled my trip time, but made it back safely.
If I close my eyes now I can still remember how it smelled walking into the house. Wall-flowers of Cinnamon and "Winter" scents from Bath&Body Works; the light pine aroma from the Christmas tree we had cut down ourselves and erected just a few days earlier. The counters were clean because "he" was working a double shift, and whenever that happened, I would clean before work to make myself feel useful and to have order when I came home. By that point the snow had really started and so had the wind. I made myself a tall cup of hot chocolate and turned the lights on in the trees outside before snuggling into the couch with Paolo and Sophia.
I fell asleep for a little while watching Christmas movies and thinking about how great things were. Being in love, being content with my life. Enjoying myself and the carefree world I was finding myself in. This might sound mushy and boring to you but thinking about this makes me feel like I am opening my chest up for everyone to see inside. That I am opening it up for me to see inside and maybe gain a little perspective in the process.
Sometimes I'm afraid I'm never going to feel that way again, the way I did on that night. Excited at the prospect of a storm and waiting for my love to come home so that we could enjoy it together. Presents under the tree already, a fireplace crackling and two soft kitties wedged behind my knees. Looking back on it I feel like it was too good to be true, and, truth be told, it was. But in that moment it was real.
It was tangible.
I've been so wrapped up in my list of things to accomplish this year that I haven't had much time to turn that focus onto my love life. And once more, if I'm being honest, I don't want a love life. Not right now at least. Not for the foreseeable future. You guys... my friends, my family, my readers... most of you know me. Some of you are starting to really get to know me. You're starting to see that I put myself out there with my thoughts and feelings on a whole multitude of things. But in a relationship I'm different; it's the heart that comes out for that special person. And I'm not ready to share that part again. Not with anyone.
I hate to be a mope but this blog was meant to be a vessel for my words and you're along for the ride. Hope they didn't bore you too much. Hell, this next blog was supposed to be about another item on my list that I have started crossing off, but I felt it would be pre-emptive to blog about it as it won't be done for awhile. I took the first step towards something very important yesterday, that's all. So just know that "#16 The ______ betrayal; finally _____ rid __ __ _____ _____" is in the works and will be divulged in the nearish future. Until then... live long and prosper?
Hi-ho silver away.
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