What the hell would I have to write about in December?
As such, I narrowed the cruise down to those six things, mainly surrounding the biggest parts, and they are as follows. Readers behold!
#19 A Bigger Boat; embark on a cruise.
#20 Different Shores; leave the continental US.
#21 The X-Rails; off-roading in Cozumel.
#22 Up in a Canopy; zip-lining through Belize.
#23 Under the Sea; scuba-diving around Honduras.
#24 Sandbar Thrills; swimming with stingrays in Grand Cayman.
And we're off!
Day 1:
After a day of travelling across the country and then a night of relative calm in a hotel on the corner of "Desperate St." and "Slum-land Rd.," Jill and I were boarding a bus that would take us across Miami and to the port where we could embark on our cruise. We were both filled with a fair amount of excitement but apparently not as much as the two lesbo's behind us who were CRYING when they saw the ship. Oh shut up! Embarkation was a slow process, having us waiting in lines and listening to instructions for about two hours before we were on board and strolling around to take in the sights.
#19 A Bigger Boat; embark on a cruise.
The Carnival Liberty was actually a really great ship and had a remodel just under a year ago, so everything on board felt new. Being on the 8th level ("Promenade," the elevator would say every time it came to a stop,) we were one level beneath the Lido deck (to which I kept making Legally Blonde references ("Why don't you check with your cruise director on the Lido deck?"(I'll stop using parenthesis now (for a while, at least.))) The Lido deck had a few restaurant type buffets on it, as well as a couple bars, the pools, the waterslide, giant chess boards, mini-golf, and a track. Oh and a basketball court. Just a few luxuries, whatevs.
That first night when we set sail, there was this big party on the Lido deck where the cruise director and his team of back-up dancers made everyone join in a dance. Jill and I were up on a balcony, thinking we were safe from him calling us out, but noooooooo; I was wearing a BRIGHT red shirt (as you can see above) and pretty quickly he was saying into his microphone "You in the red shirt! Let's see some dancing!"
So I'm thinking "oh fuckballs" in my head as I jump into action and start dancing. Mostly I did it because the patrons of the ship were screaming at me but also because a cameraman was filming me and my dumb ass was being projected on the 11x20 foot screen directly above me. After that debacle though we just lounged around and drank, the highlight being when I said "All smooth sailing from here!" before tripping over my feet and almost wiping out on the running track. Eventually we made our way to dinner where we we would meet our two excellent table-mates who we (luckily) got along with so famously, Dan and Jess.
Day 2:
This was our first full day at sea, or as Carnival likes to call it, "Fun Day at Sea!" though I didn't see any reason there should be an exclamation point. Jill ditched me pretty quickly that day to watch the Packer game at the ESPN Sports Bar, so that left me by myself for FOUR HOURS (she didn't realize we were an hour ahead.) I mostly just laid out and got some sun while watching Cuba go slipping by, did a little walking around and was recognized at one point by one of the dancers from the night before that saw me on the big screen. Awkward. I also ate a lot of Chocolate/Strawberry frozen yogurt because the machines were alllll over the ship and it was free so why not? Don't judge me.
Eventually Jill did come back and had been harassed throughout most of the game by some big fat pervert named Bryan. I told her it served her right for leaving me that long. Got a couple naps in that day though, had some late afternoon sandwiches and watched the sun set over the caribbean before marching off to dinner. I had a strawberry bisque soup that night which was pretty delicious. We also did shots of Limoncello... and I'd have to say that that goes down better in drink form than shot form. Yikes. We ended the night by buying a cheap-o $10 watch for our excursion the next day. The chick from Bulgaria working at the store politely told me it wasn't waterproof, despite the box saying it was. Lick it, lady.
Day 3:
#20 Different Shores; leave the continental US.
We awoke to find the ship was docked and ready in Cozumel, Mexico. We got dressed and were out the door pretty quickly; after grabbing a light breakfast we were off to find the guy that would take us to our first excursion. This was the first of four times that we'd have to find a stranger in a forgein country so that we could climb into their shitty van and/or bus. Just saying. So we find the guy, check-in and sign away on sheets of paper saying that if we die it isn't their fault, and then we are on our way.
The drive was over in about 20 minutes, with me sitting uncomfortably up front. Though I suppose Jill had to sit in the back with strangers so it was pretty even. We did pass a truck carrying a donkey in the back so that was about as "Mexico" as it could get. The first excursion for us would be one that would make us dirty, sore, and in the end a little bit angry due to faulty equipment provided by the locals. Alas, we had a great time.
#21 The X-Rails; off-roading in Cozumel.
After an instructional class that lasted all but 5 minutes, we were pushed through a line to buy handkerchiefs to shield us from dust and then marched through the "jungle" to the vehicles. The X-Rails are like two-person dune buggies, obviously meant for off-roading. Jill didn't want to drive and that was fine by me, but the steering was manual so that sorta blew balls to crank the wheel just to make a turn. At first we were squealing at every little bit of mud that got on us, rolling through a lake of black water that would eventually come back to haunt us. Pretty quickly though as we picked up speed the ride was a great one; bouncing off our seats and slamming back down, cracking our helmets against the roll bars above us. At one point my harness-seatbelt came undone and Jill had to fix it as I refused to slow down.
Good times!
Eventually we get to this place called the Jade Caverns, and it was actually where the Mayan's used to go to sacrifice virgins to the Gods. They would tell the families when the girls were little that there daughter had been chosen, and then between the ages of 16 and 18 they would come for her. It was an honor and "allegedly" the girls were never scared, but I doubt that. Having rocks tied to your feet and then being pushed over a ledge to drop down a 60 foot deep cavern of water is hardly my idea of an honor. #losethatvirgincardearly
We did get to go to the cavern and jump in, which I would have rather not done because a) the water reeked of sulfur and b) it was fucking cold. But we bobbled through the cavern, Jill panicking because the ceiling was covered in bats, and then we got the chance to jump from the sacrifical cliff. Because nothing shows respect for the dead like a bunch of tourists mocking there sacrifice, hey-o! After the cavern we were back in the X-Rails and ended up behind a couple we met that was from WI as well. With everyone driving super slow and us at the back, the guy would stop his buggy to let people get really far ahead and then he would SLAM on the gas and I in turn would SLAM on the gas and together we would fly through the jungle at 40 mph, sand literally exploding away from the tires as we screeched around the corners. That part was an absolute blast and Jill and I couldn't stop laughing the entire time.
Finally we get to the end and one of the workers is there saying that we need to go through the lake of black "mud" water one at a time, and to go through as fast as we wanted to. Pretty quickly we decide we'll go full-throttle into that bitch. So when it gets to our turn, I floor it and away we go. Well we may have pussy-footed through this thing the first time and giggled at the splashes, but the second time? The second time resulted in a six foot tall wall of black death rising up in front of us and dousing us in murky water from head to toe. It instantly soaked through the cheap handkerchiefs and filled our mouths, filled our shoes, filled everything. But it was worth it for the video footage I got.
I should mention now that the entire trip was captured on multiples cameras, the excursions chief among them on a GoPro thanks to @caitcd and her wonderful generosity in lending me her equipment (c:
After that excursion (which ended with the discovery that there were no pictures to purchase thanks to the shit cameras the workers used) we headed back to the port and took showers on the ship. Jill and I scooted around Cozumel a bit, leaving the port's "tourist" shops and heading to a shady liquor store because I didn't want to buy tequila that you could get back in the US. The lady working there was incredibly nice and instead of giving us thimble-sized amounts of tequila to taste, girlfriend was pouring full shots of coffee flavored tequila as well as orange flavored. Jill and I both got the same bottle of coffee flavored tequila, and we both got a good buzz as well. Not much else happened that day though... we were called Mr. and Mrs. Parker a few times, and "OH LOOK NEWLYWEDS!" more than that.
Day 4:
Woke up early this day to take a tender (smaller boat) to Belize City, Belize. Hop-skip-and-a-jump and we were on a bus headed into the heart of the country, listening to the tour guide tell us all kinds of random facts about Belize and the locals. The terrain was mostly flat but in the distance you could see the mountains and they were pretty neat to see. I was used to seeing the mountains in California but they always looked kinda dead and ugly brown. Here you could tell they were covered in a rainforest.
Which, by the way, started very abruplty. I mean, one minute you're looking at women and kids washing their clothes in ditches on the side of the road and the next you're staring into foliage so thick you can hardly see a few feet into it. This was a nature preserve though so it was beautifully maintained and the people working there were all very nice. I did learn very quickly that you are never supposed to say something is "great" or "fantastic," they wanted you to say "wicked." Or to scream it, actually. "WICKED!"
#22 Up in a Canopy; zip-lining through Belize.
The workers here were much more professional than those in Cozumel, you could tell right away. I think that may have had to do with the fact that we would be shooting through the trees a couple hundred feet off the ground, suspended by some ropes. We got suited up and I was thankful the harness hit me in the right spots because it made me look super skinny and that's neeeeever a bad thing when in front of groups of strangers. Ladies am I right?
After the instructional class we went for a bit of a hike, up fairly steep slopes (some paved with big cement pavers and some just mud that my water-shoes weren't helping much with) toward a platform. A couple people were panicky up there, one so bad she had to be undone from her harness and allowed to step away. Jill wanted me to go first because she wanted to hear me screaming, to which I assured her wouldn't happen. I wasn't scared at all, which I felt was surprising but whatever. And sure to my word, when he pushed me off the platform and I rocketed across the gaping chasm 250 feet above the ground, it felt like going down a slide really fast. Too fast, actually, because each jaunt across the wires was over before I knew it and that was a bummer.
In the end it was a fun excursion, capped off by a trip to the Crystal River (totally underground, totally fucking freezing as well) but not one I would really do again. Like I said, it felt like going down a slide and where is the thrill in that? I did enjoy it though, just not something I would need to go back for more of. After all was said and done and I drank a local beer (Belikin, look it up) we bought a dvd of our pictures and then drove back to the port to take a tender back to the ship.
Aside from a great dinner of prime rib and filet mignon, as well as the yummiest raspberry chocolate vanilla cream cake ever, the best part of the evening was Obama winning the election. And the subsequent screams in the hallways of the ship, namely from a black lady laughing and clapping and shouting "I told you so, Wayne! I told yo' ass so!"
Day 5:
I learned on this day that the reason all of the ports we had gone to looked the same is because Carnival owns them. In fact, where we stopped in Honduras at Mahogany Bay, Carnival had just finished a $65 million renovation. So how about them apples? This day was the one I had been looking forward to the absolute most, because the excursion was one I had wanted to do since I was a little kid. Oddly enough, this may have been the most important thing to do on my list of 26 things.
#23 Under the Sea; scuba-diving around Honduras.
We hopped in a rusted-out minivan and drove across the island of what they said was a very poor place to live. I guess as a tourist I only noticed the lush jungle and not the crappy homes. Crappy or not, I would live there in a heart beat. It was just beautiful, and at the end of the trip, was my favorite place we visited. So you can just know that, especially coupled with the fact that it was rainy and super cloudy that day as well. I suppose it can't be rainy without the cloudy part, so... yep. Me and my logic, hard at work. The place we were going was Anthony's Key Resort, which I'm sure was beautiful in the sunlight but in the grey it still looked pretty decent.
When we got there we were ushered into a classroom, where a hunky guy from the UK named Pete came in and announced that he was our instructor for the day. Score. The class was about 45 minutes long and he went over everything from what your body is doing when it is that far under the water to how the breathing apparatus worked. Very informative though admittedly, me being the monstrous nerd I am, I knew a lot of it already. Thanks, Steve Alten! After the class we went out to the boat and shed some clothing in favor of our flippers and tanks. A two-minute ride toward a dolphin enclosure was where we jumped in for our hands-on training.
The water was about four feet deep and Pete revealed he would be the instructor for my group of four. Score again! We sank down to our knees under the water and he started demonstrating the five skill sets we would need to know (getting water out of our masks while down there, how to find our regulators if they got knocked out of our mouths, how to clear the regulators of water, etc.) He would demonstrate, signal to make sure everyone understood, and then I had to be the first to demonstrate it back. One lady gave up right away and stood up; she wasn't doing it. Jill had a bit of a hard time with her demonstrations of the skills, but eventually she got it and our group of three went back to the boat.
The weather was picking up by then and we headed out to the reef that was a good 25 minutes away. The waves were pretty rocky and were it not for the adrenaline and dramamine running through my veins, I'd have been sick as a dog. When we jumped in my foot shot through the front of my flipper, so that made me panic until I could fix it and then we were going under. Lost another member of the group who couldn't hack it. So Jill and I started scooting down the rope leading to the bottom of the sea. Pretty quickly though Jill was wagging her hand near her ear to signal there was a problem. Pete signaled to see if I was fine, and I was, so he had me go in front of Jill and continue down to the reef. A few minutes later he returned and had sent Jill back to the surface because she couldn't get her ears to pop.
I was sad for her, honestly I was, but... lemme hear ya'll say it. Score.
Pete ended up taking me away from the other divers that had come down with the other instructors and we went to the edge of the reef. Out there we were at about 55 feet deep, but when the reef ended it was a 6,000 foot drop. And it was gorgeous; the most beautiful sonic blue abyss you could ever imagine. Eventually we came across a sea turlte, which was my favorite part, and it didn't seem like 50 minutes had passed before we were heading back to the surface to get back on the boat. When we broke the surface Pete immediately asked me if I had done this before. I told him no, it was my first time, to which he shouts:
"I don't even have to ask if you enjoyed it! LOOK at that SMILE!" So I blushed, obviously. He went on to tell me I was a natural and that I should get certified and come back for more diving because when it is sunny out, the water down there is beautiful. He kept insisting it, and I believed him. So... maybe someday (c:
I felt awful for Jill though and the smattering of people that had stayed behind. The waves had really picked up and they all had their heads between their knees because they were so sick. We scooted back to shore right away and eventually made our way to Mahogany Bay and the ship. I didn't buy the DVD they had produced of our dive (there was a guy down there with a video camera,) mostly because Jill wasn't in it at all and partly because I had it on video already on my GoPro and I was only in the DVD like twice. Hardly worth $45.
When we got back on the ship we both passed out for a few hours because we were totally drained, and then later that night after dinner Jill and I, along with our tablemates Dan and Jess, went to the Karaoke bar. Jess sang Evanescence's "Bring me to Life," and I was ready to go do Alanis Morissette's "Ironic" but they announced they wouldn't be doing any more songs and I was consequently saved by the bell.
Day 6:
So our day in Grand Cayman was almost ruined by a bunch of refugees from Cuba. No shit. The ship was delayed getting into port because it came acrosss a sinking lifeboat, and upon stopping to inspect it was discovered to be full of 20 refugees that had missed Grand Cayman and were now floating out to... I guess South America would be the next stop. So after the authorites came and hauled their asses away we couldn't dock because the weather was making the water too choppy. So the ship sailed a bit farther around the island and we docked at a different bay that had no shopping (kinda nice, not complaining.)
Now, I won't say Carnival doesn't know how to run a show because they do, but I will say they sucked balls at getting people off the ship. Logic would say that if a passenger had paid for an excursion, they should be among the first to take a tender to shore so that they could make there departure time. But noooo, Carnival was letting anybody go, willy-nilly, even the people that hadn't paid for an excursion and just wanted to fart around the island.
Jill and I eventually made it there, found the guy with the sign for our excursion as he was putting it away, and he vaguely said "Your group is over there." Phew, we made it, right? So Jill and I go over to where he pointed and after a few moments of waiting I asked where these people were going for an excursion.
"Oh," this lady says, "we're taking a tour of the island." SHIT! We run back to the guy, bark at him, and then he takes off running WITH us to a bus on the opposite side of this parking lot thing. He is pounding on the doors as the bus starts pulling away, and thankfully it stops so that Jill and I can get on. Narrowly made that sucker! The trip to the marina was about 20 minutes and the guide spilled some interesting deets about Grand Cayman and the cost of things ($8 for a tank of gas and $11.50 for a gallon of milk (in US dollars, natch.))
We get to the marina and the group is ushered down this long pier to the catamaran that's waiting for us all. You could tell the crew was pissed because, all-in-all, the group was two hours late and I'm sure they had shit to do afterward. We board and set sail almost immediately but it's with the motor and not the sails which bummed me out. Beautiful ride though, smooth sailing and really the first chance we got to see that "tropical" water you want so badly to live on. Up until then, the water had been dark everywhere either due to weather conditions or because it was just too damn deep. But soon enough we reached our destination and I crossed off one more thing from my list of 26, the last one of the trip.
#24 Sandbar Thrills; swimming with stingrays in Grand Cayman.
When we got to the sandbar you could see these big dark shapes scooting around in the water and admittedly, I was thrilled. I spent a good chunk of my childhood and teen years wanting to be a marine biologist so I made it a point to know a whole myriad of things about the sea. Until the sea-turtle the day before, I had never seen anything bigger than some fish while swimming (Sea-World doesn't count.) So to get in the water with these guys, some of them five-feet wide, was great.
They were South Atlantic stingrays, also known as kissing stingrays. The locals believe that to have a female kiss you, you are granted seven years good luck. A male, 14 years. The males though stick to the sand so we didn't kiss any, but this gal (her name was Snowflake) was alllll about it. I'll take seven years good luck!
The photographer took a liking to Jill and I and would later tell us that she got trigger happy for us because we made her laugh. And that was cool with me because her pictures were fantastic. It was a really good day, and a great one to end our excursions with. And, as luck would have it (maybe thanks to Snowflake) when we got back on the catamaran the captain raised the sails and we had the wind carry us back. It was perfect.
That night on the ship there was a lot of laughing at our dinner table, and then after there was a lot of drinking and dancing on the lido deck. I may have looked like a fool but that's what vacation is for, right?
Right.
Day 7:
Our final day on the cruise was just a day at sea, and if the first one didn't really deserve Carnival's "!" of approval, this one sure as shit didn't. Jill and I laid out for a very short while until it got too cloudy and windy to really enjoy it, and then we were inside. We napped a bit and watched TV (Happy Feet and The Vow were on repeat, I swear. And The Chipmunks movie. Ugh.) We had a great farewell dinner that night, bid adieu to our new friends from Massachusetts, and then went to bed for our early morning de-embarkation.
Soooooooo there you have it, the cruise. I could have been so much more detailed on this and I'm sorry that I wasn't. I was going to make this into a couple blogs but, alas, here it is. I think I get boring when I provide too many details anyway, so if you'd like to know more about anything you are of course more than welcome to ask me. Lord knows I love to talk!
That being said, I did compile some of the footage into a cohesive movie for you to enjoy, should you so desire. It's about 14 minutes long, and it's just fun. Lots of fun. And you'll see the things I talked about and you'll probably see a bunch more that I didn't. But, for now, here it is. Thank you for reading and for being so patient with me to get this puppy posted. One more month and the Golden Year is over. I hope you're as excited to relive it with me as I am with you (c: Toodles gang!
