I think I may have put my finger on it.
And I'll get to the cruise stuff next time, so don't fret; like any of you would. But I've gotta get this off my chest so bear with me.
I have never thought too much of myself. That's not me being dumb or ignorant or naive, it's the truth. I've never put much worth into my own opinion of who I am as a person. Shy in most situations that are new to me, almost to an annoying point. Anxiety over new experiences. Annoyance (bordering on disdain) of how my body looks. Disappointment in my achievements. I'm not asking for a pity party by any means, I'm just pointing things out. When I left for the cruise I was starting to realize how far I had come this year. Well, more like the last year and a half (since the dreaded-ex went poof!) but mostly this year. Where I started it, and where I will end it. I think you can kind of sum it all up in one word, and that word is determination.
I was bound and fucking determined to change things.
And before I go off on a crazy rant about THAT, I must say I am only telling you the "word of the year" because I am lacing your minds for the blog that comes at the end of said year. This isn't about that. The thing I couldn't put my finger on when I got home from the cruise was the amount of clarity I attained while on it. That's what this is about.
I think in the beginning I spent so much time being angry over what happened that I stopped paying attention to the world around me. I surrounded myself with my five bests and relied on them to push and pull me through the murk of what my life had settled into, head down and arms crossed. Then New Years came and with it, the idea for "26 Things," aaaaand with that the feeling that if I wanted something done I would just have to do it myself. So I started doing things myself, for myself.
I started working out, or my version of it, as it were. Then I started paying attention to how I presented myself to the world (wardrobe, hair, skin, teeth, etc.) What I didn't realize that when I stopped caring about what the world thought of me was that I would subconsciously begin work on my own internal reconstruction. Again, I didn't realize it while it was happening. And naturally, slowly, but surely, as the year progressed some of the "bests" started sliding away. My attention focused harder on the reconstruction.
With a new job, the obstacles in front of me shifted and altered. With new friends, my outlook transformed as well. I opened myself up to new people and new experiences, trying to keep a "yes" attitude to everything that I could. Still, I had my head down, telling myself and often those around me that I was working toward some sort of goal. Outwardly it was just to get ready for the end of the year and "whatever" I would do for 2013.
Inwardly, it was the search for that... moment.
That moment when I would know I had reached the only thing I wanted to reach. I wouldn't understand until it happened, and I couldn't anticipate it because how could I know what to look for? It would be a spark, and light, a moment in time. It would be everything out of nothing, but the culmination of nothing from everything. It came tonight... partly last night, I suppose... and over the course of the week that I've been home now that I think about it.
The realization that I'm no longer disappointed in myself. It makes me so sad to say that and it makes me so happy at the same time. I'm no longer disappointed in myself? Good grief. Is that what this whole year was about? To veer my life away from what it had been and towards something I could actually be proud of?
The short answer is yes.
I've never walked into a social situation with people I had never before met, exuding confidence. Never. Job interviews are one thing, meeting friends of friends is another, and going places you've never been before with no idea what to expect? Forget about it. But then the cruise happened, and with it I started to see how much I had changed this year in terms of my approach.
I walked into my job interview earlier this summer with my head held high and an ambition that shocked my future employers. I've met more new friends this year than ever before in my life, not shying away but instead throwing my personality out there and saying "fuck it" if they didn't like it. Honing my presence in social situations to something... very particular. Some of you know what I'm talking about. Every excursion for the cruise we went on meant going up to a total stranger, saying hey, then getting into a shitty looking bus or van and hoofing it into the heart of a foreign country.
There's that old adage that we fear most what we don't understand, and I think generally that applies to the external forces in our lives and that's about it. People, places, and things. But can it apply to you as an individual? Can you, for lack of a better word, be afraid of yourself, simply because you don't understand? I'm not sure what you wouldn't understand... mostly who you are as a person, I suppose. What you mean to everyone else.
I won't lie and say I know everything there is to know about myself, what I'm capable of and what I'm not, but I will say that for the first time ever I feel like I have more to offer than the average Joe. And I never would have thought that possible. I have always held other people up on a platform around me, hoping to attain the greatness that they themselves have and never believing I could have it in me as well.
We are all great in our own rights, we all do things better than some and worse than others. You are told that countless times from childhood through high school you are special. Unique, even. But does it ever sink in? No, because typically it is met with an eye-roll. At least for me it was met with an eye-roll (I like doing it... this isn't a surprise.)
The second you start to believe it though... that second is magical. Tonight I looked back at the last several months and it really hit me that I've changed. As desperate as I was to do so, I did it. It wasn't a complete 180, because I didn't want that, but it was a slight enough change in direction that it will only create greater distances in the future. Distances between who I was and who I will eventually be.
I'm sure when I re-read this before posting it I will think I am trying to sound prophetic and will roll my eyes (see, told you,) but that wasn't my intent. Sometimes I just need to get things out on paper (or blog, natch,) because when they are out of my head they become a bit clearer. Tonight I started to see things a bit clearer. And as I predicted, that moment was everything and nothing all at the same time. A spark in the dark, a light in my head... maybe a swerve of the wheel. That part isn't true, but it would work in a movie, right? Right.
The year is drawing to a close and I have a newfound excitement for the things coming my way. Blogs about the cruise are soon to follow so stay tuned. And what else can I say, what else... my hair looks great? Yes, that'll do. My hair looks great!
I'll leave you with a good song, as I'm in a super good mood. Time to begin (c:
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