Tuesday, December 31, 2013

the december update (1 of 2)

Part I (Part II Here)


Ahhhh yes, we come to it at last.  Not only the final month of the year but also the final blogs of the year.  I thought a few times this month about popping a blog out just to show I was still alive but then I'd find something else that needed my attention a little more and thus was drawn away.  I do feel bad though about letting so much time go by between these... and now that I've said it we can move riiiiight along.  With a little bit of magic, December traipsed right through the door and I was more than ready for it to do so.  So much happened this month (and I wrote absolutely none of it down) that I have to split this update into two, just like I did back in March albeit this will be a smidgen happier than busted ankles and the last of my grandparents passing away.  There is a link to Part II at the top and the bottom of this page, and vice-versa to the next one.  Make sure you read it allllllllll.

When I think of December I think of Christmas and my birthday.  I think of the last week of the year and how in seven days it goes from Christmas Eve to Christmas day to my birthday to New Year's Eve and wraps itself up with New Years day.  Technically that would be the 8th day but who's counting other than me?  Unless you are.  In which case... d'ya want a medal or something?  It is my absolute favorite favorite FAVORITE month of the year because all 31 days feel like they are a holiday to me.  It's the one month of the year when mostly everyone (save for anyone not celebrating the holiday due to religious affiliations) is united for one purpose.

They are shopping for one purpose.  Buying for one purpose.  Kinda being mean to me at my store, but always for one purpose.  Christmas.  I've said before that working retail makes you privy to a very specific type of person.  Being on the other end of people spending money has always been interesting because it can bring out the best in them, but most of the time it just brings out the worst.  Which is fine I guess because it's their money and some people are funny about spending it.

I just love when it's the people who have a shit ton of it but don't want to give it away by any means.

At Pottery Barn we collect donations to St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital every year.  Last year was my first time and I didn't really get into it (sorry), but this year I did because I had a better understanding of the program and how much good it does.  There are a lot of organizations that collect money for children's hospitals, cancer research, etc., but did you know St. Jude's not only uses 100% of the funds raised to research cancer and other diseases but it also gives that research to every other hospital/research center for free?  That they house any families staying with them for free?  That the care they offer is free?  That's pretty special, and I'm typically the last person to give to charity so to get me to buy into it was a big deal.

My annoyingly perfect wrapping.  And no visible tape, thanks very much!

Now, we start the collection process in mid-November and it stops about half way through December, but those weeks are crucial to getting donations in the store.  We even had an incentive of offering handmade gift-tags for any donation a guest made.  You can see them above; I made a point of letting everyone know when they opened my present how much of a do-gooder I was this year by donating.  Aaaaaand suddenly right now I am realizing I've spent way too much time talking about this.  Final bit: I raised over $150 this year for St. Jude's, which is about... $125 more than I raised last year, lol.  It all comes out in the wash I suppose.

At the very beginning of the month Pottery Barn was invited to take part in a wedding show at Lawrence University in the Warch Campus Center, this beautiful addition they made to the school a few years ago that is super fancy for the kids that go there.  The lady running the event wanted us there to set up our own table and then decorate a few others so that prospective clients (it wasn't just weddings, technically it was for any sort of party you were planning) could see what we offer and take the bate.  The day started at 7 am for me, doing the normal opening routines at work and unloading the monstrous shipment that came in from our delivery truck.  Then we loaded up a massive table called the "Cortona" and a couple cars worth of product to haul seven miles or so toward the campus.  I helped set up, had to take off for the store to cover a couple breaks, and then I was done for the day at like... two pm.  I think.

As much as I would have liked to have helped with the event for my store, I had a different calling that evening.

Courtney, myself, Melissa and Barb.  Now lemme explain the tux.

My extended day was due in large part to the fact I had been asked to model a tuxedo that evening for a local company.  I had obligations for work to fill so to make sure I could do everything I wanted to, I took everything else on.  Not that I'm complaing because the exhaustion didn't hit me until the end of the night, but still, it was a lot to do.  From work I drove to the tuxedo rental place for a final fitting, ONLY to discover that the chick had picked up my tux already and that meant I'd only be able to try it on at the campus.  This did not bode well as rarely if EVER do tuxedos fit me.  Chalk it up to the incompetence of the people who do the fittings.

I went home and cleaned myself up and then hurried to the Warch Center because it was kinda snowing/freezing raining outside.  After hunting down the lady in charge because the directions on what the "models" were supposed to do were super sketchy, I found a room of young ladies covered in somewhat... alarming amounts of makeup.  They were wearing HUGE heels, taking selfies, laughing hysterically but nervously because they were uncomfortable, and then of course staring at me and wondering who the hell I was standing in the doorway.

Sean Parker (self-proclaimed author), obviously.  Duh.

Long story short, I find my tuxedo, put it on, and whimper at how bad I'm drowning in it.  I may or may not have swirled in the mirror in the bathroom and mumbled in the voice of a woman in her upper 60's from New York high society "I'm simply drowning in this thing!"  The jacket fit in the shoulders but could easily wrap around my abdomen twice.  The shirt was a billowing blouse.  The vest was SO big I had to take a safety pin to gather it behind me and STILL that fucking thing had room to spare!  How mortifying, but not for myself, just for the company.  Mostly my duty for the evening (unpaid) was to march around and look pretty.  Which obviously isn't hard for me ::tosses hair:: but it was still work, especially after a long day.  And the shoes killed my feet.  So yes, everyone take a good look at me and how bad the tuxedos fit from Dubois.


The event ended up being somewhat of a bust as the bad weather kept people away (and the stupidly-high cost the public had to pay to get in) but it was still fun.  There was very fancy food made by the excellent staff of the Warch Center including but not limited to several types of pies in shot glasses, and of course some area business people it never hurts to get to know a little better.  Specifically Kim Thiel, a wonderful photographer in the area.  She had a terrific booth set up and I spent some time talking to her and her husband throughout the evening.  Obviously Kim took the above picture, which was at the very end of the night when the models all got champagne for the picture and we were posed around a table and fire.  You can't see it, but there is a fire going.  And it was incredibly, INCREDIBLY hot.  I stared into that girl's eyes for like five minutes but it felt like eternity; there was sweat rolling down our faces and we both kept laughing.

Her breath was good though so I can't complain.

After that event I fell into the usual routine the holiday season brings to the mall.  Watched the kids seeing Santa (who is outside our store every year) scream and cry, wrapped loads of gifts people were buying for friends family and loved ones, and just waited patiently for the month to progress.  I'd made friends through a co-worker of mine, @ranitamcdonald, with @mrmrsmills and because of that, had been invited to the Mills holiday party at a country club in the area.  That wasn't until the 21st though so there was some time to kill.


This has been a particularly cold winter so far and it has also been a very snowy one.  The best thing about that is it makes Paolo and Sophia (not so much her) much more snuggly.  Being in the position I'm in at the store (and Courtney as well,) we aren't allowed to take a full weekend off in the month of December.  We can take one Saturday and one Sunday, or some combination of the days, but not together.  So she took two Sundays off and I took two Saturdays and the above picture was how I spent one of them, curled on the couch catching up on like 8 hours of television shows while Paolo caressed my neck in some form or another.  

I'm trying so hard to remember things I did in the interim because the 21st and onward is for the next blog.  That's the real juicy stuff (I know you wanna read it...)  Around the middle of the month I finished all of my shopping with a week or two to spare, which is somewhat typical of me but always comes as a surprise.  I stress out about what to buy for people to the point that it starts taking a physical toll on me (I think that's why my neck started tensing up early in the month) but when I just sit down and either buy it online or just go to the damn store, I finish it all up super fast and there is no harm done.  The neck thing ended up getting worse though.

I shall call her Regina George.

The big purchase for me this month was of course a KitchenAid mixer.  I've always wanted one, as long as I can remember, but never thought I'd get much use out of it.  I mean really, how much can you make with that thing?  I hardly ever bake sweets, I prefer a hand-mixer for mashed potatoes, and generally my culinary talents lay dormant until it's an emergency and I am forced to do something.

I'll tell ya this though; I've had the damn thing for less than three weeks and I've used it probably a dozen times.  From cookies... to cookies, I've been busy.  There was other stuff but I can't think of it now.  The first time I used it I just dumped flour in it to see what it looked like turned on.

No one ever said I wasn't simple.

OH!  I made cupcakes with it today!

That's all for Part I though.  Click the link below (I figured out how to make links!  Maybe I'm not so dumb after all! (Unless it doesn't work (don't tell me if it doesn't work))) to continue the adventure!  If that's what you wanna call it!  Or the story.  A story is more accurate.

Onward to Part II!

the december update (2 of 2)

I assume you already read Part I.  
If you didn't, what's wrong with you?


As I mentioned earlier, I was invited to a holiday party.  This wasn't an Ugly Sweater party or a White Elephant party, but a "Black Tie Event" type of situation.  One where the invitation was like a wedding invite and it stated the words "jacket and tie required."  Now before I go any further, let me state I've never been to an affair like this.  I've been to a fancy wedding before, and I've been to a couple of corporate holiday parties, but nothing like this.  Immediately I went out and bought a bow tie, natch. After a few conversations about said event with some friends, I discovered @markstyleme and Miss T (pictured top right) would also be going, along with the friends I had already made through my co-worker @ranitamcdonald (pictured lower right.)

To say I was excited would be an understatement and really I was just counting down the days until the 21st.  Instead of the year ending in a good week, it would end in an awesome 10 days.  10 days of things to look forward to!  You can't beat that any way you look at it.  Eventually the day was here and I had to work most of it at the store but I was able to get home and cleaned up with enough time to then pick up my fellow invitees.  It is remarkable to look at the pictures of me in that awful fitting tuxedo from the wedding event to then take a peek at me in a suit I purchased during my tenure at Express.

What I just adore about places like Dubois Bridal & Formalwear (where the first tuxedo came from) is that they have ONE job to do and they can't even do it right.  When the man had measured me I kept interjecting what my sizes should be.  He nodded with half an ear, took his measurements (that were horribly inaccurate in the end) and went about his business.  The above pictures are how a tuxedo should fit, ladies and germs.  Without needing safety pins to pull that shit back.

But I digress.

The party was at North Shore Country Club, a place I'd never been to before (something about not being a member, whatevs) but was just a short drive to get to.  To quote Lorde, the night was "lux."  Valet service, an open bar of whatever you wanted, 10-foot long ice sculptures to hold all of the shrimp, lobster and crab legs you could imagine.  There were three areas to choose from for dinner, one with fresh sushi, one with chefs on hand to make whatever stir-fry you wanted (choose the ingredients right there,) and one with "home cooking," like beef tenderloin, fingerling potatoes, chicken and lamb.  There was a alo a huge dessert bar we didn't really venture to but it looked pretty fantastic and I'm sure tasted as such.

There was a live band that played later in the evening and there was a lot of drunken dancing to watch.  @markstyleme left early due to a commitment to another party, but Miss T and I spent the evening together laughing and talking with so many great new people and really just soaking it all in.  Rarely do I get the chance to dress up, to in a sense to become someone else by rubbing shoulders with a different crowd, and just let loose.  But even for us we left around 11:30 because I worked in the morning and had yet another big day ahead of me.  Had we been drunk we could have taken a limo home (for free,) but I couldn't leave the car and alas, I had not had too much to drink.


Earlier in the week (that had been a Saturday night) I was invited to the Packer game against the Steelers by @mrmrsmills through @ranitamcdonald (these @'s are annoying, I know, but I only use Twitter or Instagram handles if the people have them.)  Mills Fleet Farm has its own gate at Lambeau Field (which I didn't know because I'm admittedly ignorant about sports) and of course it has a box.  We wouldn't be in the actual box but we'd still be indoors at the Miller Light Party Deck and it was all already paid for.  I didn't know what the party deck was either but, y'know... c'est la vie.

I went to the Mills household around noon on the 22nd to meet up with the group I'd be travelling with.  After waiting around for a bit we loaded onto a limo bus (never knew there was such a thing (still ignorant as hell)) and began the drive to Green Bay.  Normally this is a 30 minute commute but with game traffic in the northbound lanes and the snowstorm that was going all night and until about 11:30 am, it took an hour in a half.  The drive itself was a blast and there wasn't ever a moment where I thought "I need to get the fuuuuuck out of here."  I sat next to @ranitamcdonald on the bus and laughed the drive away while getting to know the newer people in my life.

Once we got to the stadium we had a short walk to get inside (top left.)  I'd only been to Lambeau once before and it was just a month earlier so this was all new to me.  When you see the stadium from the road it is obviously impressive but walking along the side you just can't imagine the enormity of it and how impressive it really is.  We had our tickets checked several times in our ascension through the stadium (cold as shit outside, too) until we were at the Party Deck.  So you go in these doors (that they open for you) and you're given a lanyard to hold your ticket (bottom left picture) along with a bracelet with two drink tokens.  They explain there are three concession stands in this really long room, two of which are filled with all the free food and soda you want and one of which has the beer.

You get this great view of the field (top right) and if you want to go outside you've got assigned seats as well.  Not the bleachers the rest of the stadium gets but pretty nice plastic folding seats with cupholders.

Because clearly that's the most impressive thing I can mention.

We decided to stick inside for two reasons, 1) we weren't dressed properly and 2) it was just more comfortable that way.  We settled at a high-top table near the windows and hilarity ensued.  There were spilled drinks, spilled cheese curds, a girl who ran past the table at one point and puked on the floor and was then escorted out for being a big fuckin' mess, and of course the screams of the fans outside.

If you wanted hard liquor you had to leave the Party Deck and go to the common area in the main stadium, which was fine.  I went with the girls once to do so and I must say, as nice as it is being inside a heated lounge with leather chairs and all that, you do miss out on some of the spirit going on in the stadium.  The deafening roar of Packer fans is just insane and I really have to hand it to them for coming out and giving it their best, even when the team really isn't.  That's not a jab at the Packers.... but they did lose.  Did you know tickets have sold out for every single Packer home game since 1960?

Now you do.


At one point during the game we decided to go to heaven.  At least, heaven is what they call it unofficially.  It's actually the tippy-top of Lambeau field and you need to have tickets to get up there as it is also the highest point in the city of Green Bay.  There are two jumbo-trons in the stadium but this one is the larger of the two, added to the south end of the field for the 2013 renovation.  Standing up here, above it all, was just incredible.  The sound coming off the field was so intense I just can't describe it.  It was snowing and the snow falling through the floodlights above the field was beautiful.  And it was also freezing cold and the snow was blinding in our eyes (worth mentioning, y'know.)

It was one of those moments I was just happy to be where I was.  With new friends, experiencing something I'd never done before and maybe wouldn't get the chance to again, and at no cost.  After the game we piled back onto the limo bus and made the drive home; it felt so much later than it really was (hardly 8 pm) but that was a testament to the excitement and adrenaline the day had offered.  Then there were just a few days left until Christmas!


Nothing huge happened between events; work got CRAZY in the final days of shopping but we held our own and had a blast.  I officially threw my back out (already had the sore neck) by slipping on the ice outside of my apartment.  I didn't fall (I was holding on to my car) but I tensed my body up so bad that I felt the pop in my neck and that sucked a big one for more than a week after.

On Christmas Eve my boss Courtney and I had our picture taken with Santa shortly before he left the mall for the season and headed back to his home in Montan... the north pole.  I have to say, even though this was his 18th year at the mall, he is still the nicest man ever.  You would never know if he was having a bad day by any means, he is so damn positive about everything.  What's particularly amazing about him is his ability to remember people.  Some of the families that come for a picture have been coming to him since the kids were babies and are now adults, and he remembers them.

Last year when I had started at Pottery Barn, it'd been almost two years since I'd actually seen him because the previous Christmas I had been working in Green Bay.  I'd never spoken to the man, never said hi, but when I would leave from Express every day he would give me a wave if no one was in line to see him.  So imagine my surprise when he walked into Pottery Barn his first day back, saw me, and said "So you're here now and not at Express?"

I about shit my pants.  Christmas magic INDEED!


Christmas this year was a little bit different for the family and I.  We've always been a "Christmas Morning" type of group but this year a few things had to change based on the availability of my nephew Brayden.  He had to go with his dad for Christmas day so we decided to celebrate on Christmas Eve at my sister's house.  At first you kind of grumble if you're not a fan of changing tradition, but then you get over it and get on with it.

In the end it didn't matter because what's important is being with your family.  I learned this lesson from Thanksgiving this year (refer to the November update for more on that) and really it was a lesson worth learning.  We ate a good dinner and then opened our gifts for each other.  My aunt Sally came through again with hysterical gifts (see my dad, above) that cracked us all up.  I got the Keurig I'd been hoping for (time to cut back on Starbucks, I'm sorry to say) and some movies as well as a couple other random gifts.


Belynn serenaded us with such a... soothing... rendition of Jingle Bells, while Brayden busted a move in the corner and Brynley danced her ass off in front.  It was certainly different from what we've done before as a collective unit and in the end I was glad for it.  Change it up and see what happens (more on that in the blog I'm posting tomorrow, so stay tuned.)

After the festivities I went home to prepare the things I needed to for Christmas morning brunch with my parents.  I made @klreynol's family recipe for grape salad, got the cinnamon rolls ready for baking, and then decided it'd be a good idea to try my hand at making stratta.  I always thought it was an Italian dish but I guess it's actually entirely American, based off the idea of a frittata or quiche.  For me, I layered chunks of english muffins, chopped breakfast sausage, mozzarella and cheddar cheese, chopped onions and red peppers, and then topped it all with beaten eggs and then crumbled bacon.

30 minute prep my ass; it took me an hour and a half!


In the morning when I woke up, I popped the stratta in the oven because it had to sit over night.  I made the cinnamon rolls, mixed the Poinsettia cocktails (champagne, cranberry juice and triple sec) and then waited for my parents.  It was the first time in my life I'd woken up alone on Christmas morning, and though it made me a little sad and feel a little lonely, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  And once my parents arrived it was like any other Christmas before.

We ate brunch and enjoyed the drinks, opened a few more presents we had for each other and then settled into playing a nice game of Life.  I tried showing a card trick Miss T had taught me but I failed miserably at it several times, even after calling her for direction.  Proud to say I've now mastered it.  After the game we went and saw The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, which was absolutely amazing, and then parted ways.  I saw a couple friends that evening but mostly just enjoyed the peace and quiet living alone offers.  It is what it is.  I made some cookies for my birthday party the next day but then it was off to bed as the clock turned on my year.


My birthday, or "Guhhh 28" as I liked to call it.  I went to my parents in the morning for lunch with them, my sister and her two girls.  My brother-in-law had to work, my nephew was still with his dad, and I hadn't thought to bring anyone with me.  And it was again, fine, because I never mind the quiet get-togethers.  We ate stroganoff (I'd been thinking about it for weeks,) mom made a German Chocolate cake, I blew out the candles and let it hit me that I'm older.  I don't necessarily feel older, but if I start to think about it I realize I am.

I realize how my priorities have shifted from what they used to be.  The things that once mattered so much don't really hold any meaning with me as they once did.  It's good and it's bad I suppose... and like I keep saying, it just is what it is.  I don't mind.

My parents recently took in a boat-load of birds from my dad's work and they are housing them in one of the barns they've now outfitted for the venture.  All I wanted to see was the dove.  They have this white male dove named "Dotsy" and while I don't particularly like birds, I couldn't wait to hold him.

Here I am getting emotional now.

I'm not going to get in depth right now because that's best reserved for the post tomorrow, but I will say it wasn't the best year for me.  With 26 being so great, I knew 27 was going to be a difficult one to follow.  The massive undertaking of the "26 Golden Things" project gave me a certain drive and dedication that was sorely missing from this year.  I couldn't help but look at holding the dove as a symbol of change.  A symbol of maybe finding some peace.  I don't think it's so wrong to hope for that, to want that, but it does make me feel silly saying it out loud.  Regardless, I held the damn bird, took a selfie (surprisingly the only picture of me on my birthday) and then put the bird away.


I briefly went home for a quick nap and then I packed up my shit and headed over to Miss T's for my birthday party.  I made a "Guhhh 28" drink dispenser of Poinsettias and I was super pleased people drank it until it was gone.  Last year I made a "#27 Surprise" drink dispenser that essentially tasted as if it were filled with lighter fluid and as a result, I was the only one to drink it.  And subsequently get wasted.

This year I kept the party small and intimate.  I invited the people I see on an almost daily basis, the people that mean the absolute most to me that have kept up with me throughout the year, and the people I wanted to show my appreciation to.  I understand there were a few select individuals who felt betrayed by this, and a few who felt I stabbed them in the back for not inviting them.  To that I would just like to say this: it was my birthday, it was not for you to dictate, and shame on you for trying to make me feel shitty about it.  It wasn't some RAGING party but just a reflection on the year and a simple "You're old, let's have a drink."


I made meatballs and cookies, @klreynol made Crab Rangoon dip, and Miss T supplied ham sandwiches and her artichoke/spinach dip.  There were a few other things to nosh on as well but those were the big ones.  @markstyleme clearly liked my balls.  We chatted and drank, eventually played "The Game of Things" (best game ever (@caitcd and her "wiveo")) and had a delicious cake.  I opened gifts, loved each of them equally, and then mostly everyone left around 11.  @markstyleme, @klreynol,  Scout, and Miss T and J (who live there) stayed though and that was when my night was made.  J brought down one of his guitars (he plays in Road Trip (awesome band (check 'em out here))) and serenaded us.

Now, I'm always massively impressed by anyone who can play an instrument let alone play it well.  But J has the remarkable ability of hearing a song he doesn't know, listening to it twice, and then playing it back on the guitar.  I got tears in my eyes from excitement over this (the same thing happens when I see magic tricks in person, shut up) and we just had a blast.  We talked and drank and sang, and really it was the best ending to a birthday I could ever imagine.  It was one of the best birthdays I ever had, and that includes my 26th and all of the surprises that came with it.  I drove home with a huge smile on my face.

And with that the month started coming to a final close.  The year as well, I suppose.  Tonight I will join @klreynol and Miss T before we head to @ranitamcdonald's house for a bit to celebrate New Year's Eve.  From there we will head to Miss T's, eat and drink and play some games, just in time for 2014 to come swinging through the gate.

So what else happened in December?  Made wonderful new friends in Paul, Kelly and Rachel.  Played "The Game of Things" with Paul, Kelly Miss T and J and laughed so hard over the course of four hours I had a pounding headache from doing so.  Treated my fucked up back, decided I really don't like most beers, and reconnected with Ken after two years of silence.  Stopped hoping for something that'll just never happen, realized our friends are what we make of them, and chose to be content with what I have now.  Ate at a steakhouse for the first time in years, actually loved seeing the second Hobbit movie, got into it with the bitch troll from hell at the Post Office, and FINALLY (and most importantly) realized I can touch my bangs with my tongue.  Grow hair, grow!

And that's all I have to say about that.  Take care, have a safe and wonderful New Year, and I'll see you all tomorrow with "a new resolution part III."  Ciao gang (c;


Did you miss Part I?  Find it HERE

Saturday, November 30, 2013

the november update


So I started November with a status update that read "Guh, November.  Ya hate it, right?"  And I must have cast a spelled with those words because the month was over before I knew it.  Really... it went by so fast I have no idea where the time went.  You can tell it surprised Sophia as well; she took a brief moment to stop sleeping on my fucking pillow to say "Wa-HAY, it's over!"  What's funny is that I kept notes of what I did this month (surprise!) and when I sat down to write this puppy I kept reading them and going "Oh yeah, that happened.  Oh, yes, that did as well," but if you asked me to think about the time they each took it's just surprising to me.  That's all.

I like to think October that wraps up Fall but really I suppose it is November (sigh,) or at least this year it was.  Usually Thanksgiving falls just a teensy bit sooner in the month so with it being almost at the bitter end of it this year, it REALLY kicks off the holiday shopping season.  The annoying thing about it is that people didn't really start buying Christmas gifts too much this month (I speak for my own store, no one else's, natch) and instead fell back to what they usually fall back on; Black Friday.  Now for all the stress it causes Black Friday should be a holiday in and of itself, from all of the stress it invokes in people.  And really it's like a bandaid, the sooner it comes the sooner you realize it isn't THAT big of a deal.

But this year with the holiday falling so late you suddenly had everyone screaming "Oh SHIT, Christmas is less than four weeks away!"  Somehow they feel they have less time to shop this year than they did before because, y'know, you can't start shopping for gifts until 8pm on Thanksgiving day.

Oh wait, that's just crap they want for themselves.


The month started with me throwing all of my Christmas decorations up right away.  Technically it started with a trip to Lambeau Field with Miss T to see the traveling exhibit of Superman costumes (check it out, Caramello,) but I digress.

Ok, wait.  I'm lying again.  The month actually started with me singing karaoke in public for the first time ever.  I don't count that mess I was in Chicago when I was 18 and trying to sing AC/DC at the Hard Rock Cafe.  I was also dressed as Superman for this.  At the point pictured below, I was probably singing "Sweet Transvestite" and bringing the house down ::tosses hair::


Again, I digress.

With Christmas decor I figured why the hell not; you don't get much time with them, I live alone, and they make me happy.  And that's logic ya just can't argue with!  It was nice to go through all of the decorations I have and pitch a few, but to also see the things I've collected over the last couple years in one place at the same time.  It feels homey but different seeing as I don't have a full-sized tree this year.  There just isn't the space for it and I'm not one to cram it in the corner just to make a point.


I do have a little silver tree I made last year and finally finished a month ago, and it's all I need for the symbolism of the holiday.  Because of course there are the scattered ornaments, the lights, faux snow and a few well-places garlands and wreaths to gimme the rest of those feelings.  I do what I can.  I did make a fun tree (seen above) from an idea I stole from the Beekman1802 website.  I bought those icicle ornaments maybe four years ago, and then the following year bought more and decided to mimic the way they had displayed them at the time in their store (photo was online.)  So I cut off the top of my parents tree after the holiday had wrapped up and let it die outside in the sun throughout the year.  When Fall came, I pulled all of the pine needles off and then spray painted the whole thing white and silver.

Then I got lazy and never finished it until this Fall when I finally cemented it in a galvanized pot so I could display it en mi casa.  And if the ends justify the means then no one has room to complain.  Right?  Right!  Betcha didn't know I knew Spanish, either!  #pequito

I did get a ton of writing done this month and that's always something I am happy about.  I'm a little amazed that I started AND finished a major edit for each of my three books within a 12 month period.  I shouldn't jinx it because I still have about two chapters to go on the third book, but that is the final steps of editing and not the "sit down and cross stuff out with a red pen" steps.  I hit a small detour because I realized the climax of the book is a piece of poop and it needs to be fixed fairly badly.  In the past I thought "bigger is better" so I ended the first book with a pretty decent climax, the second with an AMAZING one, and then the third with this kinda... sad, lonely look at things that really leaves the viewer a little angry with it.

So the goal was to take what I have and expand it.  Add a little excitement, a few more explosions (you can NEVER have too many (maybe you can (not in my world you can't (until you can,))) and a little more drama to get the reader invested once more.  It's just about there and in a week or less it will certainly be there, and I can't wait.  Because ::drumroll please::: when the edit is finished I can move on to something really exciting, but until I get it done, I can't say ::drumroll stops::.  On this I shall not jinx myself.  Just know something HUMONGOUS is probably/most likely coming in December and you're gonna want to know about it when it does.

Hope THAT got your intrigue!


The Saturday before Thanksgiving this year was the fifth annual Apple Pie Contest @caitcd hosts every year, and it was also my fourth consecutive time judging.  Not that I pride myself on it (I do) but it's always a fun night and one I look forward to every year.  @markstyleme was able to partake in the judging this year and took it verrrrry seriously but even he was cracking up during the judging process.  I can't say it enough; after a couple tastes of pie you start identifying which ones are super good and which ones are super bad.  This year there were a record 19 pies entered, and we don't only take ONE bite when we judge them, we take two.  That's a lot of fucking pie!  Eventually you are cracking up over how some taste and then getting wide-eyes as a group when you bite into the fantastic ones.  @klreynol was there for the third year in a row and she was also the third place winner this year, so it was a great evening for all.

And aside from all of that, it's the one time I get to pull out my "I'm Judging You" pin and have people go "Oh, the PIES, he's judging our PIES!"  To which I nod enthusiastically and with a subtle wink.  Not too subtle though.

Then came the Parker Family Thanksgiving the next day, held a few days early due to scheduling conflicts that you only really encounter as a family once in a while for the important stuff.  At first I was really moody about the whole thing because as a family we have always celebrated Thanksgiving on the day of and NEVER at another time; what I found was that the holiday is fine being celebrated at any other time because what is important is being together with family.  And not necessarily getting drunk on wine the day of, part of it from canned wine (yes, canned wine (with a straw (boom.)))

Not that I got drunk on wine...

Couple days later and we come to the Appleton Christmas Parade, to which I now go every year and wonder about half-way through each year why I came again.  This time in particular it was freezing cold, but I had Miss T and her husband J there and it was both of their first times at the parade, respectively.  As usual the enormous flatbed of hot air balloon baskets pulling their jets was a crowd pleaser and it certainly heated us up.  So did the Bailey's in my coffee thermos but that was a secret very few were in on.

Thanksgiving itself was spent with the Reynold's family and it was the second time this year I was included in their festivities (the first being Easter when my parents were in Indiana.)  It was great getting to spend the holiday with my best friend and her family.  I suppose as we grow older we find that traditions begin to die out from they always were, and then it's time to make new ones.  We would all do to grow a little from changes like this.  And to be honest, having two huge meals in a week and getting to enjoy your life a smidgen more makes everything okay in the end.  I also got to indulge in Pecan Pie twice this year so let me rub my growing belly and smile about that too.

@klreynol and I took a picture to send to our co-workers and I felt it only appropriate to cross my eyes.


Am I getting a butt-chin?  Oh, I am?  Well... does it at least make me look distinguished?

Perfect.

So what else happened in November?  Started singing to nearly every song I know in lieu of more karaoke fun to come, made a whole gaggle of new friends and called to rest a discrepancy with an old one.  Saw Thor 2 (waaay better than the original,) saw Catching Fire (waaay better than the original,) and finally got caught up on all of my TV shows.  Learned I suck at working with pastry dough, can't stop drinking Eggnog until the carton is gone, and apparently a) can't impress people I'm not interested in to begin with and b) can't be impressed by people I thought I may be interested in and then wasn't.  Finished another Harry Potter book, got nostalgic about things I can't change and wouldn't want to, decided to keep growing my hair out, and succesfully completed my NINTH Black Friday in retail!

Huzzah, wench!

Bring on December, baked goodies, and the music!  The sweet, sweet MUSIC!  Ciao!



Updated!!!!!
I was at Miss T's on the 30th for a holiday gathering she was hosting and I was in the midst of conversation in her living room.  At one point I was talking to my friend Kyle and her old-lady cat jumped up ont he tv stand.  Kyle casually says "Careful Jetty, don't light your tail on fire."

Jetty promptly dropped the end of her tail in a burning candle; her tail LITERALLY released a small burst of flames.  Kyle screamed and smacked it, snuffing said fire and igniting my annoying, uncontrollable laughter.  Happy November!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

holiday time: solo (this) time

When Halloween hits I'm just friggin' done with fall.  Much like I'm friggin' done when I hit the bottom of an ice-cream sundae and there's nothing left (I can't save me from myself,) Halloween is the culmination of fall for me and it is also the final door opening to Christmas time!

Screw Thanksgiving, I really don't care about it; it's the 25th of December I choose to set my sights on.

This year I actually packed up 95% of my Halloween crap a few days before Halloween even hit because I didn't want to look at it anymore.  I kept a few things out for the holiday but that was about it (plus the pumpkins I carved, ooooobviously.)  Then I started bringing in the boxes of Christmas decorations the day after.  Most of it was from Pottery Barn last year, things I'd picked up because they were super cheap, but there were three large boxes from when I lived with Ken.

Yes, I said it, "Ken."  There's no longer a nickname or "my ex," he has a name and I can be a big boy and use it.  Not like I'm gonna say it and then look over to see him hovering outside my second floor office window with glowing eyes.

::notgonnalooknotgonnalooknotgonnalook::

I didn't think anything of the boxes when I was bringing them inside from the garage.  I figured I'd probably have a twinge of nostalgia going through the stuff but really, we only lived together for two Christmas seasons (dated through three) so it couldn't be anything too bad.  I was really burning rubber in getting through decorating, tearing my closet apart in the process and pitching an absolute ton of crap I didn't want/need/know why I kept.  I must say, in my experience, I find it is only when you are succeeding at something proficiently that you're most often and quite suddenly thrown backward.

I found this picture; I'm posting it because I feel like I have to, in a way.  I'll explain later.


It wasn't lying on top of a pile of stuff, it was instead tucked into an old Christmas card.  I save everything and as a result I tend to save holiday cards for a year so I know who sent one to me before and who I should send to in return.  The cards were another beast all together, the well wishes and warm thoughts to "Sean & Ken" repeatedly lashing my eyes as I read them.

I had to sit down.  Sorta looked around the apartment not knowing what to feel, and then I just... felt it. I let it hit me.

The picture was taken December 25th, 2010, and you can see for yourself on the bottom right corner.  We were at my sister's house for celebrating and it had been a marathon day.  I'd finally given in that year to go all the way up north to Ken's parents house for Christmas Eve and it was a pretty great trip all things considered.  I remember the drive north in particular because I opened at Express super early that day and my hands were sooooo dry and cracked that they were nearly blistering.  I remember putting lotion on my hands and pouting about how bad they burned, and then Ken held my hand all the way up because he thought it'd make me happy.

And it did make me happy... one of those simple gestures you overlook in everyday life but in hindsight meant something so much more.  We'd just gotten through our year of infidelity (our year, because it took two to tango) and felt as if we had come out of it stronger than ever.  We'd fallen back in love against all odds we would and it was just... good.  In a word I will say it was "good."  Not great, because that would be over doing it, but we were good.  We were happy.

After spending the night with his parents, we left early in the morning to drive back to our home in Wrightstown where we opened our gifts for each other.  Then we were off to Greenville for the Parker family celebration, and when gifts were opened and the meal was finished, that picture was taken.  I look at my face and can't help but wish I knew then what I know now.  We were going through the loan process before buying a house and I was weeks away from proposing to him.  All of this stuff... all of these "steps" you think you have to take to prove to a person you're in it for the long haul.  No one could have predicted at that point it would end the way it did, because we'd already gotten through all of that. The cheating and lying and blahblahblah.  2011 was bringing a fresh start and we were both riding the train to Happytown.

It's been nearly three years since we called off the engagement, told the realtor we couldn't buy the house we'd signed the papers for, and parted ways.  It's been nearly two years since I deleted the pictures of us from the hard drive, tossed the letters, cards and notes in the trash, and decided to put my best foot forward in moving on from all of it.  When I moved out on my own this spring I found a few tidbits from our relationship because when I originally packed up from Wrightstown, there were things I was not yet ready to part with.  I wasn't ready to part with him in the "finite" way I should have.  Posting the picture above forces me to not run from it anymore, or not "it" but "him."  It forces me not to run from him as a faceless entity because there is no point to do so.  Not anymore at least.

What's funny to me about all of this is how much I can remember when I simply decide to.  Me and my freak memory, hard at work.  Ken loved Christmas as much as I did, encouraging me to play Christmas music in the car in October when we were running errands for our Halloween party.  Asking if we could watch The Grinch in early November just to get in the mood.  We'd have bought a tree earlier than the weekend after Thanksgiving each year if the lots were open but they never were.

The holidays used to get me down in a certain way but they were better when I was in a relationship.  I'm a nostalgic person and this is a nostalgic season that calls up all of the memories of years before and what they meant to you as an individual.  The last two years I've been living with family during the holidays so it really hasn't hit me in any way other than "Shucks, I don't have anyone to go to sleep with at night."

Living on my own is a little different in that regard.  Suddenly I realize just how alone I actually am.  I'm not going to rush out and bag me a man or anything like that but still, it'd be nice to just fall into something with someone and call it good.  Alas, I'm picky.


Things were really great with Ken and they were that way for a very long time.  It's so easy to look back on something like what we had and only see the ending and the pain it caused, but really, where does that get you?  We all hurt and we all get kicked down... I suppose it's really left up to us if we choose to climb back to our feet.  It took me a while but eventually I did make the choice to do so.

Finding the cards and the picture today absolutely sucked and there is no way around that.  It was the rush in the gut that reminds you of something that once was and it makes you feel sick to your stomach with just how much it is completely and unnequivocally gone.

Gone.

Do I miss him?  Yes.  I can say so without feeling any shame; I can say so without even batting an eye.  You don't ever really stop loving someone, especially when they were your first "great" love.  You don't get more than one of those... and once it's happened, that's it.  It's with you forever.  You can be angry with how it ended and you can curse the heavens and anyone else who will listen, but what's done is done and there's never any going back.  Not in that regard, at least.  Sometimes I'd like to tell him that, other times I roll my eyes and say good riddance, but for the most part I'm filled with a complacent feeling in my heart.

I learned a lot.  Good and bad, but I still learned.  And maybe when someone makes it through the barricade of walls/moats/barbed wire/ice/fire around my heart, it'll be the best relationship I've ever had.  They'll show up, smile, and show me why it never worked with anyone else, most of all Ken.  I suppose having the optimism to look forward to that moment is what saves me from being jilted and bitter.  Until then, I don't see a problem in being nostalgic.

It is the holiday season, after all.  Ciao gang (c:

Thursday, October 31, 2013

the october update

What a month.  WHAT a MONTH!  ::tosses hair::  Y'know, for a second there I thought 2013 was going to turn into one of those "poop" years for the record books because not a lot of good stuff was happening.  Heartbreak, busted ankle, death in the family, yadda yadda yadda.  But then October (my favorite month of the year) came right on in and saved the day.  Tried and true!  And of course with today being the last of the month, that also means it is Halloween.  And it is a PERFECT day for Halloween; temps in the mid 50's, foggy and misty outside, and the annual crockpot full of chili simmering away on my kitchen counter.

The month started off on a somewhat quiet note.  In September I made a huge event on Facebook that would span the month and be the collective of "things going on" for celebrating October.  Apple farms, scary movie nights, haunted houses, pumpkin carvings, etc. etc.  Friends and family have come to know me as a little "eccentric" when it comes to Halloween and have said in numbers too numerous to count they want to DO things with me throughout the month.  Seeing as I am in an apartment this year, throwing a party just wasn't feasible for me so I figured this was the resolution.  The first couple movie nights were skipped in large though @klreynol happened to show up despite having the best reason not to (full-time job, husband & infant at home, etc.)

Around the 8th of the month my sister approached me to take pictures of her and her family.  We'd been talking about this for a while but never settled on a date, so we all met at a nature center on the north side of Appleton one afternoon.  Meg brought her camera for me to use and I just... winged it.  My fear with taking pictures is I'm going to be no good.  Not that I'm the worst in the world but I'm far away from being anywhere near the best.  I've been on several photo shoots and worked with several photographers however so I have certainly picked up a thing or two.  Chief among them being "take as many pictures as you possibly can."  It's good I took that advice with me.


Of the 180 pictures I took maybe three dozen turned out clear.  Of those three dozen, maybe 20 of them were good enough poses to warrant moving on to the next round of editing.  I knew I could save my ass in post-production, where the proverbial boxing gloves I wore while taking the pictures would come off and I could start photoshopping with the precision of a surgeon.  Just a saying... I'm not really a surgeon.  Duh.

The big surprise came when I realized how little I had to do for editing.  Sure, tidying up/beautifying people (wrinkles, stray hairs, smudges on cheeks, etc.,) but nothing as invasive as I'd feared.  It made me realize maybe I'm not the worst at this like I thought I would be and maybe it's about time I start branching out and doing it a little more often.  I shouldn't be afraid of the camera I have at home or of taking it out on random projects, it is a decent camera and I'm just a boob by always saying it's shitty.  Wouldn't hurt to have a new one though.

Several more movie nights went by, still with no one showing up.


Mid point of the month came with a trip to Door County with @markstyleme, Mr. K and Scout.  It was one of those "perfect days" you typically might think would come with fall.  It was cool but not cold, breezy but not a windstorm.  The drive to the tip of the Wisconsin peninsula was beautiful with the trees in the peak of colors they'd reach all year.  We left early in the morning for the drive and just had a great time.  I'll reiterate, a great time.  There was no awkwardness at what could have/would have/maybe should have been, we just enjoyed ourselves the way we always did as a group of four and there is nothing about that I can complain about.

I'm trying not to make this sad so let's move on.

We stopped in several towns on the way down from the tip, the best of all being Egg Harbor.  I loved it and have GOT to go back sometime soon.  We met up with some friends there during Pumpkin Fest and perused a few cute stores (one of which rips of Pottery Barn by buying our stuff and reselling it at a higher price,) including an awesome paper store called Papel that @markstyleme almost shit his pants over.  Stopped at a winery in Carlsville, drank a bit, and then hit the road.


When we got back to Appleton it was another movie night, Hocus Pocus, and that one had the best turn out with seven people showing up.  A few things happened at the end of the night that left me feeling bittersweet about it, but then it was over.  I won't get into it because this isn't really the venue for that, I'll just say "C'est la vie."  Anybody sing "c'est la vie" in the tune of the song by B*Witched?  No?  Does the cheese stand alone?  Okay.


On the 15th, @markstyleme and I drove down to Chicago for the Naked and Famous concert at the Riviera Theater.  I bought the tickets back in August because my brother had told me he'd be seeing them in Austin at the front end of the month.  A quick lookie-lou and I found them a week later in the windy city.  We decided to make a day of it, driving down and stopping to shop at Gurnee Mills and eat some dinner.  We'd be meeting Jillybean at the concert (I'd offered her the third ticket at the last minute and she was more than game for it (I can always count on her for things like that.))


After parking and walking a good distance to the venue, we were in and Jillybean showed up just a song or two into the opener's act.  Then the show started and it was absolutely amazing.  I'm beginning to realize how much I enjoy seeing live music, especially when it is one of my favorite bands and I've only ever heard them on CD (or iTunes, natch) before.  The newest album from the Naked and Famous came across as a little bit of a downer to me.  The music was noticeably much more melancholy than the previous album which to me was continuously upbeat.  Seeing it performed live?  Totally different experience.  And it was exciting, seeing them use the instruments and interact with the crowd and just be, overall, charming.

They capped it all off by playing "Young Blood," which if you remember was my theme song for 2012 and was the first played in my video for "26 Golden Things."  It was one of those moments in life where you breathe in deep, close your eyes, and know you are going to remember it forever.  I'll always cherish that moment because it held a lot more weight than I can really describe.  Just take my word for it.

Movie nights continued to go by with no-shows.

One of the events planned for the month was this "Haunted Golf Cart Tour" through a country club in Chilton.  The day of the event, people who were planning on coming started to back out.  "Dropping like flies" so to speak.  My day at work ended up being a rough one anyway and on my way home that night I got a few more cancellations.  By that point I'd had it.  The shitty thing about trying to organize things is that it is pretty fucking impossible to get people to actually DO something.  I'm guilty myself of preferring to stay indoors rather than venture out for this or that.  I'm reminded of Sally Field in Legally Blonde 2 "You cannot get the people to care."

I got home, hopped on Facebook, and cancelled the "It's Halloween Tiiiiiiiiime!" event.  IMMEDIATELY I was getting messages from people who had RSVP'd to it.  "Why is it cancelled?" "I was planning on coming to something!" "Are you still having people over for movies?" "I didn't get to come to anything yet!"

What floored me about it was how if you suddenly take something away, people panic.  And it made me even more angry.  If you RSVP to an event but never comment on it, say you want to go or don't, with no opinion about a single portion of said event, why would I think you were actually interested? Actions speak louder than words and the only people to have taken action, by all means, had.  And it was like four of them.  So I just said FUCK IT (out loud,) threw my hands up in the air (honestly,) and decided to do whatever I wanted to do to have fun.

And the Haunted Golf Carts ended up sucking anyway (went with @klreynol, @caitcd, and @joleneelizabeth) so whatever.

I think the lesson of the month was for me to stop worrying about doing things that would make other people happy and just do the things that would make ME happy.  You may think after this long I would have already figured something like that out, but... you'd be wrong!  Never too old to learn a new lesson.

Eventually the Halloween festivities came and it was time to put Superman to work, spending two packed evenings with the lovely Miss T and her version of Poison Ivy.  We went to a benefit at the Timber Rattlers stadium (where her husband's band Road Trip was playing (the best part of the event, to be honest.))  After that we trotted over to Waverly Beach for the Children's Hospital Benefit where we met up with @jonathan_kent and @leahvanrooy.  That was probably the best Halloween party I've ever been to and I will most certainly be attending in the years to come.


The first night out also reunited me with an old best, Kyle, and allowed the air to be cleared between us of whatever weirdness there had been.  The next step is acting on it but we'll get there eventually.  I just need the craziness of this month to end, first  And I need to buy more hairspray because as you can tell, I used it all and then some.


That's the only full-body shot of me in the suit, boots cape and all.  I think this was at the start of the second night but I can't honestly remember.  Superman will make one more appearance this coming Saturday and then he'll be gone, locked up in a box of costumes from the past I just can't get rid of and never seen again.  It was... different... being a dude for Halloween this year, and not just "any" dude, but the quintessential icon of comic superhero land.  Next year will be back to drag world, and if I stick to what I want to do, it'll be the ultimate costume for me and the one I've always wanted to do (outside of Superman.)  Wait and see (c;

To end this, I've got to say I don't really know why Halloween has always been my favorite holiday.  I absolutely adore December/Christmas but that is for a different reason entirely.  Unlike Christmas, Halloween is not a holiday that's only justified when spent with family.  It is a day where you can be with friends OR by yourself and still enjoy the nostalgia it offers.  You can enjoy it without feeling obligated to be with anybody in particular; just get in the spirit of things and just have fun.

Lord knows I do!

So what else happened in October?  Sorted through my MASSIVE collection of decorations and tossed a ton, got back into fighting shape, and decided to face the dating world once more.  Realized some things are best locked away and not reopened, took an unplanned hiatus on book III due to my busy schedule, and gave up trying to control the lives of those around me.  Discovered a super sexy English musician named Roo Panes, saw the Carrie remake and loved it, and of course, capped off the month carving pumpkins with mom, watching a scary movie (or two) with friends, and indulged in just a little bit of candy.

Because it's best to stop and enjoy the sweet little things when you can.  Toodles gang (c;

Sunday, October 27, 2013

the man of steel

This blog is very picture heavy.  Not a warning, just a... something.  Just read it.


I've always wanted to be Superman.  Always always always.  Not really Christopher Reeve because I was never really enamored with his portrayal, but all the rest, yes.  Since I became an adult (re: openly gay) I have dressed up as women for Halloween.  Paris Hilton, Paulette Bonafonte, Glitter-Glam Barbie, Winifred Sanderson, The Baroness, Babydoll, and Twisted Sleeping Beauty.  Each year has gotten a little bit bigger than the previous, with more time and detail being paid attention to in regards to the costume, or the makeup, or the wig.  Even a prop or two.  So for 2013 I decided to buck the trend and be a male character because it would be something new and fresh for me, and something easy.

Easy being the operative word.


In 2005 when Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire came out, the teaser trailer for Superman Returns was attached to it.  Super hottie Brandon Routh was in the title role and it immediately caught my interest.  I'd always liked Superman, but I had never really paid too much attention to him be it the movies, comics, cartoons, etc.  Directed by Bryan Singer (X-Men, X2) it was a modern take on the character and was SUPPOSED to throw him back into the limelight.

While the movie became a favorite of mine, it didn't do so hot in the theater and ended up kinda fizzling out.  Made some money but not enough to warrant a sequel.  The updates to the costume were good (at the time) but never really something that would push me into dressing up as him.  The problems were always wide-ranging, from not having the slightest clue of where I'd find dark red boots, to how I would make the chest shield, to then finding a blue suit that my chubby body would look decent in.

So the years went by, I succumbed to dressing in drag, and I do have to admit, every Halloween I tinkered with the notion of being him.  But then I would do something like cut my hair off, or it would be blond come Halloween time, or I had committed to something else with a friend, etc.  There was always a reason.

And then there was 2013's Man of Steel.  
And then this guy happened.


By which, of course, I mean his suit.  Totally different...


Who am I kidding?  LOOK AT HIM!  How could an innocent and young (reasonably) boy like myself not be enamored?  Impossible!  I say IMPOSSIBLE!


I hit the ground running.  I dabbled with the idea of being him all through the spring of this year and then when the movie dropped in June, I had made up my mind.  I ended up seeing Man of Steel a total of four times in the theater and I loved it more each time.  That's rare for me, actually.  I find as I get older I'm unable to watch movies repeatedly because I just feel I could be doing something better with my time.  Not the case here.


The make-or-break moment was going to be the boots and I knew that right off the bat.  If they fit, it was a go.  If they didn't, it was back to the drag drawing board.  I ordered red "Superhero" boots off the internet, hoping against all hopes my size 13 monsters would fit in the biggest size (12, which they said ran large) comfortably.  After about a week they came, and though you cannot tell in the picture above, they were a dark salmon color and not exactly the blood red I needed.  But I slipped them on, zipped 'em up, and then pranced around my apartment in excitement because they fit perfectly and I knew I could finally do the costume.


In mid July, @klreynol went to Oshkosh with me to the outlet mall so I could try on Under Armour.  I'm not a sports guy by any means and I've certainly never tried it on because it's mostly for athletes or runners and there was no reason to do so.  Whatever.  I resorted to Under Armour because every blue spandex suit I could find was awful.  They were all too bright blue and SHINY.  I didn't want to be a razzle-dazzle Superman so research into Under Armour showed a few promising things.  First, I'm not in the BEST shape ever and they offer a line of clothing called "Compression," which essentially sucks everything in in a pretty flattering way.  You can see the surprise on my face above for proof.  Second, the colors were excellent and what I wanted.  Third, it was made to keep you cool and I have a problem on Halloween of being a  big sweaty mess from running around and laughing and screaming and being generally annoying.

So I bought the top and ordered the leggings on line, happy I wouldn't have to even worry about the red undies because the new suit nixed those.  With the base of the costume ready to roll, my attention turned to the details.  Namely the shield.  You can't just go out and BUY one, and as much as I'd like to spend $300 on a movie replica from eBay some guy was manufacturing, I couldn't logically afford it.  Time to get crafty.


I started by measuring out my chest and then drawing the shield on a huge piece of tracing paper, making every angle as straight as I could and as symmetrical as possible.  I free-handed the "S" (not an "S" (symbol of hope (still looks like an "S"))) and then redrew the shield, bubbling out the outer edges because if you look closely at the new version, they are not straight lines.  I cut up an old t-shirt and spread it out, making two huge diamond shapes and painting them red and gold, respectively.  I needed the fabric to be a little stiffer but not so much so it would be like a piece of plastic.

In hindsight, I should have made it rock solid but that's just a minor grievance.

I lay a white mesh over the top of it to get a texture as close to the real deal as possible and then painted over that as well.  In reality and when all was said and done, it kind of has the pliability of a really thick piece of sandpaper.


This is the initial "put it up, see if it looks lame" test.  I was lucky enough to have a few muslin forms from my days at Express (who says hoarding doesn't pay off? (ignore the fake blood)) and it helped TREMENDOUSLY because without it, I absolutely would not have been able to make the costume work.  And I don't say that lightly; I literally could not have made this look right if I didn't have the muslin form.  If you're ever looking to get into making costumes, etc., you need to invest in one of these because they make life so much easier.


After some airbrushing with the airbrush I had from my short-lived college career, I was ready to attach it all to the top.  I had never used a thimble before and I'm certainly glad I had one on hand to do this.  It was a nightmare sewing through the shield.  Pushing that needle in was awful and then I kept catching it on things and making myself bleed (not a great seamstress by any means) and it probably took me a lot longer than it needed to.


But it ended up attaching nicely enough and you can see from the shading where the red portion of the logo would eventually go.


The finished shield.  The tricky thing with Under Armour (especially the compression line) is you can't just sew something on because the material shrinks and stretches so drastically.  The arms had to be tied back pretty tightly on the top to stretch the chest out for the shield to fit decently.  In the end I still had an awkward pucker on the front of it (can't tell here) but it was a minor grievance and not a big deal.

Then I moved on to the boots.


So the picture above is a fairly accurate depiction of the color.  Dark salmon.  The sole and heel of the boots were black as well and that in and of itself made them look fuckin' cheesy.  I thought about painting them red first but then decided just to cut out the same mesh from the shield and use a spray-adhesive to attach it to the boots.  It took a few tries before I got it all to line up the right way but in the end I was super pleased with it.


Mid painting process.  I did three coats of a latex paint I bought from JoAnn Fabrics (same paint for the shield) but I probably could have used a fourth.


All finished and paired up with the leggings to see how it would look together.  Which is fantastic, natch.  Originally the top of the boots met in a point but he doesn't have that for his suit so I had to invert said point and shoot it downward.  I cut the mesh in a way to it'd look like I had trim around the tops of the boots.  After all that it was time to do the cape.


This is actually the only picture I had of that process.  The cape was a goddamn nightmare and not one I wish to repeat any time soon.  It was originally a six foot wide piece of faux red suede, which I turned to the inside and used the slightly darker/shinier "inside" as the outer facing side of the cape.  I hope that sentence made sense to you because it did for me.  Kind of.  I ended up going to my mom for help with the cape because she's so much more talented at figuring this stuff out than I am.  Up to this point it had been simple painting/gluing/stitching, but I couldn't do the cape myself and have it look decent.

Plus she's my mom and I hadn't forced her into servitude this year as I had in years past so it was time to pony up.

We spent the day together chatting and working on it, took a couple hours until it was done but it was great when it was.  I'd gone back and forth on all sorts of things with the costume (he has a lot of blackish trim work on it, across the neck and wrapped around his wrists and sides) but in the end I decided simple was better and called it a day.  The cape reaches to the ground and has juuuuuust enough weight to it that it billows pretty nicely as I walk and when the wind catches it.

I started the construction in late July and didn't finish it until the end of September.  If I had to log all of the hours spent on it, it'd be north of 90.  That includes waiting around for paint to dry, repainting when I screwed it up, gluing crap and messing it up.  And of course wasting a ton of time on the body wrap I eventually threw away (seen below.)


Outside of the costume itself there was the physical changes I needed to make to myself.  I started exercising more frequently, watching what I ate so as to not look like a complete fat ass in essentially the most revealing costume I've ever worn (that includes Babydoll.)  I spent all summer and fall growing my hair out, dying it from blond to semi-dark brown in mid September, and then to nearly black just a week ago so as to fully get "the look" of Clark Kent.  Thankfully my eyes are already blue and I didn't need contacts this time.

This whole process was such a learning experience for me.  Eye-balling things, studying costumes, trying not to hurt my own feelings with how judgmental I am, figuring out how to conceal my penis so as not to be offensive (it was an issue, trust me.)  But in the end it all came together like it always tends to do, and I was so so so so so happy with the result.  It's not a costume that is completely accurate to any sort of Superman, but it's my own spin on it and it works.  When I put it on I feel different, as if I'm slipping into a character.  There really is nothing quite like that feeling (c:  But about that operative word I used in the beginning, "easy"?  This process was anything but.

So behold, my dear readers, the transformation of Clark Kent into the Man of Steel.  Biceps included.


And with that I bid you adieu.  Look for the October update in just a few more days (on Halloween, my favorite holiday of the year.)  There will be a few more pictures of me in costume out and about, as well as some other goodies I'm sure.  Until then, enjoy the rest of October, carve a pumpkin, eat some candy, watch a scary movie or two and HAVE FUN!  Lord knows I am (c: