the june update

June is always a welcome sight for me.  For sore eyes, almost.  I'll probably never stop tying it to the end of the school year and the start of freedom (summer, hey-o!)  I actually had a great deal of trepidation going into June, namely for two reasons: 1) May ended on such a high note and 2) June 1st resulted in a breakup.  Breakups suck, there's no way around that, but I was pretty successful in turning it around and parlaying it into something useful.  And when you can turn away from the negative and embrace the positive, that's never a bad thing.  I guess it could be a bad thing, but not for this guy!

Sometimes I end up getting panicky at this time of the year because with summer being so typically short in Wisconsin if you aren't doing "fun stuff" right away you start feeling like you're missing out on it.  I say "fun stuff" loosely as clearly it just means being outside and enjoying the heat, but you know what I mean.  Last year I had such a list of crap to get done during the summer for "26 Golden Things" that the season was over before I knew it (albeit it was still a fantastic summer.)

But June had poop weather this year for the first couple weeks so it wasn't easy to get out and about from the safety of being in-doors.  I took the weather as a chance to get over the breakup (still don't think I am, but that's alright for now) by getting back to my creativity.  Nothing makes you work harder on a project than trying desperately not to text someone, and that's a fact!

I did decide recently that it's about time for me to start dating again.  Casually, which is a concept I really struggle with.  I've always been the kind of guy where if I like someone, I'll go on a date with them.  If that date goes well, we go on a few more.  If those few more go just fine, then we are in a relationship.  Bing-bang-boom.  Trouble with that is I usually go into the relationship because I feel like I owe it to the person and sometimes (most times) it just doesn't end up working out.  I know the last reason to enter a relationship should be because you feel guilted into it, but that's me.  I won't say it's the charm of me being me, because that shit ain't charming.

So I'm trying this new concept (to me) of casual dating where I go on a couple dates and see if anything clicks.  It's difficult for me because I have a very guilty conscience and I start feeling like I'm being a liar to these people.  Even though I owe them nothing, and nothing is really happening, I still feel it.  Why is that?  Have any of you felt that way?  I guess it boils down to me usually being the one that gets let down by someone else, so when I have to do it it is just a completely foreign concept to me.  There are worse things in the world than that though and I have to remind myself it's okay to try to get to know someone and then decide they aren't what is right for you.  I guess it's tough shit for them?  Sure.

I find that after I write a paragraph I sit back, sigh, and then jump on Facebook for a moment or two.  Just an aside for ya'll.

My friend Jill and I went to the Dells for a couple days two weeks ago, just like we did last year, and again it was pretty amazing.  Last year I was kind of sour over it because right off the bat I broke the screen on my camera and you know how that song and dance goes.  We went to Noah's Ark (America's largest waterpark for those not "in the know") for a day and had an absolute blast.  It was nerve wracking last year to get on the Scorpion's Tail (an inverted watercoaster) but this year we went three or four times because the lines were so short and it was just too much damn fun.  Got a wonderful burn on my shoulders, too.

Oh, AND I got another vlog together!  The idea had been floating in my head for a few weeks and then the ruling on DOMA and Proposition 8 got me to actually sit down and do it.  Amongst other things.  I need to figure out how to make a more exciting intro though because it's kind of a snooze and not very enthralling.  Good things in time!  What's interesting about making these videos though is slipping into character when I need to.. Calvin in particular.  I don't consider myself a very innocent person so it just astounds me to watch myself as him and those sadsadsad eyes when he gets in trouble.  I love it.  I hope you do too.

I need to start taking notes through the month because sitting down to write these at the last minute is a damn nightmare.  I've said it before and I'm sayin' it again!  Thank you so much for continuing to read (as I wrote that, Paolo made this really creepy/weird sigh behind me and it scared me) and for continuing to share the blog.  The views are going up up and away and I have you all to thank for that. So thank you!  Don't stop sharing!  EVER!

So what else happened in June?  I went to my first concert in the park, ate/drank at a gastropub, and had a few long conversations with a guy from the UK.  Realized Bernice has suffered her first serious scrape/scratch to mar her lovely panels, went to the first joint birthday party for my niece and nephew, and bought my very first camcorder.  Sparked conversation with my hunky downstairs neighbor, started biting my nails again, realized if things are too good to be true they probably are, and had my first house guest since moving in (Jill.)  Officially went back to blond (always going back,) started again and ALMOST finished editing my second book, and lastly realized the link to "26 Golden Things" on YouTube is officially active for anyone who wants to watch it.

I don't know why about that last part though... initially YouTube wouldn't post it for the public because of the amount of songs in it and the copyrights, but I guess they changed their tune?  Said video is posted below: watch it, share it, and hopefully like it because it took a long time to make and a lot of you are in it.  Ciao for now (c:

that "physical fitness" thing

This is going to be one of those "complete honesty" blogs because 1) I'm bored and 2) I have no shame.  Well... I do have SOME shame but that's best reserved for other times and they usually don't have anything to do with my blogs.  Mostly it's when I stand in the middle of my kitchen freely eating peanut butter off a spoon... with or without a marshmallow or two.

Wait who wrote that?

Incidentally, this blog is about my weight.  Fluctutation, abundance, etc.  One of my New Year's resolutions this year was to get in the best shape of my life and until now, I've sort of been reassuring myself that I already am.  Because I am, or at least in my adult life, but it can always get better and it used to be a lot worse.  Never bad enough that I needed professional help, never good enough that I felt  more than comfortable taking my shirt off in front of other people.

Growing up I was always a pretty skinny kid.  It was the late 80's and early 90's so this whole pandemic of "fatty" kids hadn't really started.  Or maybe it was just gearing up at that point, who cares?  I was pretty active, running and jumping and climbing stuff with my friends in Southern California and just living the life in whatever way I could at that point.  It's easy when you have about 10 months of the year where the weather is just fine and dandy without needing a jacket.  I was tan most of the year (with a wicked cool line from my socks on my ankles) and of course I had that California kid blond hair.  I don't think it was until we moved to Wisconisn in 1997 that my weight began to become an issue to me.

 1995 - 9 yrs

It was shortly after the picture above I started putting on a little weight.  I think it was the summer of 1996 that we went up to Northern California to visit my grandma Natalie.  We would go to Silver Lake up there in the Sierra Nevada's and if it was warm enough, swim around.  In the younger years my sister and I would make houses in the sand out of pieces of bark and little flowers and rocks that we found.  On this particular visit I remember taking my shirt off to get in the water.  Grandma suddenly exclaims "Ooh, looks like SOMEBODY is going to need a training bra soon!"  So the shirt went back on and I went for a walk.  That gets brought up every now and then; my mom still remembers it happening as well as I do.  You can laugh in hindsight but at the time it was the first indication I wasn't a skinny little kid anymore.  All in all it was pretty devastating.

1998 - 12 yrs

Part of it was that I just didn't understand why I looked different from my friends.  They were so skinny (re: small) and I was so big (re: still am) that I don't think I realized things were changing until they had.  And granted, no 12 year old should be made to feel that way and no one ever MADE me feel that way, but I certainly remember wearing a sleeveless white t-shirt with a black adidas logo on it during the start of 6th grade and feeling uncomfortable in it because of my chest.  My chest, obviously, because by then my little boobies were coming in OH so nicely.

I can also vividly recall towards the end of 6th grade beginning the process of sucking it in.  And not like "I'm gonna suck my gut in and hold my breath," but tightening my stomach and walking with a slight lean backward.  Ever wonder why I stand up so straight?  Shoulders back with a slight lean makes you look thinner, in case you didn't know.  I knew at 12 and I think that's kind of sad.  If you still didn't know that, well... you're welcome.

1999 - 13 yrs

Now, my mom ardently disagrees with me any time I say I was a fat ass.  Or chubby.  Or even a little large.  She never once told me I was big and that I always looked good to her, and I think that's the best thing a mother can do.  Wether she realized or not how bad of a self image I had she always suported me and made me feel comfortable.  I'll forever be thankful for that.  Looking back on things I wasn't as big as I thought I was, and it's funny because I used to always scoff at that line in the Suncreen Song that said "you are not as fat as you imagine."

Guess you need to be beyond it to appreciate it.

Luckily I went through a growth spurt before high school started and I kind of stretched/evened out.  Namely this occurred during swimming class for freshman gym, which was good because the majority of guys in there were fairly thin with the exception of a couple.  School wore on and eventually I started putting the pounds back on.  The biggest I got was during my senior year (pictured below.)  I was working two jobs at the time so a friend and I went to lunch every day of the week: twice to Buffalo Wild Wings, twice to Quiznos, and then we'd alternate McDonalds or Taco Bell between.  When I graduated high school I weighed 263 pounds, with a size 40 waist in my pants.

There aren't many pictures of me at that weight, especially ones where you can really tell.  Whether that is because of my own sabotage or not, I'll never tell.  But it was.  Whoops.

 March 2004 - 18 yrs

I was never really taunted as a fat kid because in all realness I reached 6'4" during my senior year and I think people were afraid to call me fat.  They called me gay and a fag all the time, but never fat.

#winning

I would often layer up to three t-shirts at a time to hold down my chest (I didn't have the sense to buy an undershirt a size too small to hold it down.)  When I walked through the halls I would hold both of my backpack straps over my chest so that it didn't look like I had boobs.  You can see above that I had shaved in a jaw-strap to... assist, I suppose, in making my face look better.  It's funny looking back on some of these pictures though and seeing how much my face has changed.  It's longer now and a little more defined; I always think I look puffy in these anyway.

With graduation came a change of the tide and I started working my first retail job at American Eagle.  The INSTANT paranoia I felt working there (suddenly in the "fashion" world, the gay culture world, and trying to be attractive) had me stop eating out all the time immediately.  I briefly dated a guy named Erick and I got out of the shower one day at his apartment and was looking in the mirror when I said "I think I've lost weight." So I got on the scale and I had dropped eight pounds!  Erick, slightly chubby, replied "sure you didn't gain eight pounds?" So then I lost more weight.

Being on my feet all day long and then running around all night long (dancing, etc.) had me shed the pounds so fast that I'm still surprised it happened so easily.  260 pounds became my scary weight.  Then 250 pounds became my scary weight, and for every 10 I dropped I decided I'd never go above that weight again.  The picture below was the end of June when my nephew Brayden was born and I was down about 20 pounds by then.  By the beginning of September I was down to a final weight of 208 pounds, and for those of you keeping track that meant I lost 55 pounds over the summer.  Yep.

 June 2004 - 18 yrs

I was mostly loose skin on a big frame, but even the picture above you can see how much just my neck alone had slimmed down.  In the years to follow I would start working at Express and actually gain some muscle but I never really had a massive weight loss again.  I put about 20 pounds back on after that year and managed to keep it pretty steady since, aside from the drastic losses that came with a couple breakups.  The picture below was after an "initial" break up, but I had started putting it back on by then.  AND I had a ball of muscle in my arm and THAT was exciting!

Eventually you start embracing the fact that you're a man-wall and there's no way around it.  Sometimes I wish I was a little smaller in general, maybe not as broad in the shoulders and hips, but then I remind myself that it's fine to look the way I do and I somehow still attract attention by looking this way.  Hahaha ::tosses hair::  You get used to people commenting on your height, your mass, blah blah blah.  You stop taking it as an insult and just chuckle and say "Yep, I'm a big guy."

And then you feel free to mentally add, go fuck yourself.

 August 2010 - 24 yrs

There's a big part of me that is afraid I'll die young.  Not like... premonition type fear where I think I'll pass by a micropig wearing rain booties on a sunny day and suddenly get hit by a truck.  But fear that my health is going to get in the way and I am going to not do so well on the upswing of things.  I'm 27 years old and fairly often I get really bad heartburn to the point where it makes me sick to my stomach.  Sometimes I walk to Target on my breaks at work and from both sucking my stomach in and walking really fast I'll be way too out of breath and sweaty by the time I make it back to the store (it is a 10 minute jaunt, always (unless the line is more than a person long.))  Sometimes my heart flutters when I'm sitting on the couch doing nothing and it makes me think I'm having a heart attack.  I get tired by the middle of the day if I wake up around 8, and that just shouldn't be happening.

I'm YOUNG for crying out loud!  I know you can't say that forever but for Christ's sake, I still am.  I'll stop saying it when I hit 35.  Or maybe 40.  I'm sure I'll keep pushing it back... point being that you're only as old as you feel and right now I feel pretty old.  Sometimes I hate being good at Photoshop because it just makes it too easy to make myself look better than I really do.  The picture below?  While I am always my slimmest at the end of summer, there was just a little bit of convenient shading applied to my ribs, chest and hips.  Just a little, mind you.  And then a handy-dandy filter over the photo takes care of the rest.  SO, here we go with the reveal.

September 2012 - 26 yrs

Look down to see me with no photoshop.  This is me as I am now (or was about two weeks ago when I STARTED this blog and didn't finish it) without sucking it in... much.  There is no filter on that, no shading, no touching up or blemish removal.  That is Sean Parker without any digital assistance.  I'm not in horrible shape, I know, but I'm not in great shape.  I want to be in great shape and that's why I am starting to run.  And when I get good enough at running long distances (already up to 2 miles every five days and one mile on the days between,) I'll know I'm dedicated enough to join a gym.

I have a problem with joining gyms and never actually going, so I figure if I get some best practices in place I'll stand a better chance of not just wasting my money.

 June 2013 - 27 yrs

I didn't write this for sympathy on anything because that's not what I'm about, it was just an update on a New Year's resolution I made and plan to stick to.  I did it last year, I can do it this year!  It's actually kind of exciting to start running and look at RunKeeper on my phone to realize how far I've gone.  And while I still think running is the most BORING thing in the world, it's healthy and in the end, it's only going to help me.  My ankle doesn't love it too much but that part is getting better too.

I'll leave you now, sorry this was so long.  It's mostly pictures though so that should make it easy... and laughable, hahaha.  I hope you enjoy that wet-haired "moonface" picture as much as I do.  Yikes!  I keep listening to the Sunscreen Song as I'm finishing this up so I thought I'd post the link to it.  It's worth a listen, certainly makes you think.  I never got the "message" in 1999 when it came out but I like to think I get the message now.  At least I can appreciate it a little more.

See you next week with the June update.  Toodles gang (c:

when you're wrong

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.  I cheated on someone I loved, I dropped out of college, I lied to others about telling the truth and sometimes I've told the truth when I should have just lied.  I've broken hearts, I've had my heart broken; I've ended good friendships and I've started bad friendships.  I've darkened my eye-brows with a black pencil because I thought it looked good with my black hair, I got a wrist tattoo in black-ink when it should have been blue, and once I even stole incense from Sam Goody when I was 12 years old.  And of course there was the time I ignored the dire warning of "don't hold your breath for me, I'm a lost cause."

That'd be my stubbornness hard at work.

I've been made a fool of a lot in my life.  I've been the butt end of jokes that I wasn't really in on, I've been laughed at and not with.  I've been cheated on and had several people know it was happening save for me, and in that respect I've been lied to by dozens of people for the sake of sparing me from something ugly.  I've been proven wrong in a rather mean way in front of a classroom, I've been tripped in a packed department store for the sake of entertainment, and once I even got pulled into someone else's lie only to have them turn around and throw me under the bus when I had nothing to do with it in the first place.  And of course there was the time I was told "I think you're expecting this to be your next great love," as if that warrants punishment and not reward.

That'd be my affable nature hard at work.

I've tried to remain an optimistic person throughout my life.  There was a grey area for a couple months (or years) where it was too easy to be the pessimist, but eventually I came back around to see the good.  It's a conscious effort to see the good in people and things, did you know that?  I find myself more and more often having to remind people that you see what you want in the world, not the other way around.  Generally speaking if you go into it positive, you come right back out of it as positive.  It's like that quote, "happiness is not a destination but a form of travel."

That'd be my stubbornness hard at work once more.

Sometimes things just don't work out.  Sometimes things crash and spinout on the runway in a fiery wreck before they even have a chance to make it off the ground.  Sometimes you can blame it on the expectations of others, sometimes you can blame it on your own indecisiveness.  I suppose that ties back around into making mistakes though.  Every so often when something doesn't work out the way you originally intended, you can take it in your hand, examine the broken pieces, and then learn a lesson.

Learning from mistakes is a great thing and something I grow increasingly adept at.  I suppose telling someone to "just give me an answer either way" doesn't warrant anger or resentment but should instead come with gratitude when they DO give you an answer.  Even if it isn't the answer you wanted.  Even if that answer might be a mistake in and of itself.

And god damnit if I won't take this mistake and learn from it too.

The faceless entity I've been dating is gone now, and for some reason or another it didn't actually sink in for me until I typed those words out.  It's funny how that happens, isn't it?  The finality of it.  I can't bring myself to cry like I know I will; instead it is just building inside me until there's nothing left to do but to let it out.  I wrote about him in April in an update about a kiss, and no, I'm not slapping myself in the face for jinxing it because I don't feel I did.  I feel I allowed myself to start falling for someone I knew I wasn't supposed to fall for.  At 27 years old, it's of course never too late to learn that lesson.  Frankly I'm surprised it took this long.

I'll leave you now with a picture of us, his face blurred for his privacy of course.  But it was the night that my feelings changed for him and it was the night my life outside of him took a massive dive.  But looking at this picture lets me know sometimes things work out for the better, for however short amount of time.  And I'll hold on to that... and I'll hope that some day soon I can feel it again.  Goodnight gang.