another fail for sean

I recently met someone.  I shouldn't say I met him, because we never actually met.  We met online.  And after a week and a half of fantastic conversation, witty banter, emotional tugs and thoughts of the possible future, the little affair is over.

I feel like I've run a marathon and lost, and I feel like I did when things I ended with Ken.

Left behind without a choice.

It's funny, really, because I never even met the guy in person.  How crazy is that?  Am I one of "those" people now?  So desperate for a connection that I latch on to the first good looking person that gives me a chance and lose said chance when I finally question if I'm being catfished?  Was it so wrong to say it was feeling too good to be true?  And further more, does that mean I actually WAS being catfished?

For those not in the know:
catfished; having a relationship of any sort on social media with someone who is not who they say they are, by using another person's pictures and/or living a totally different lifestyle from what they told you.

And it sucks.  Plainly, simply, and yet somehow infinitely, it sucks.  I'm torn about it because I also feel like I have no right to be upset.  We never hugged, held hands, kissed, or even set on eyes on each other... so what claim do I have to feeling such solid emotions?  I dunno.

Maybe it's the realization at how incredibly alone I feel right now.  Not "suicidal" alone, I would never even contemplate that so don't even venture down that path, but I feel alone.  And I feel that I'm ready to love, and more than ready to be loved.  And I no longer think there is anything wrong with feeling I deserve that, but I have to wonder why it is so hard for me to let people in to even give them the chance.  Why is that so difficult for me?

I don't get "real" very often in this thing because some thoughts are best kept close to the heart, but today, in this moment, with however small I feel right now... I also feel that if I don't get it out of me I'm going to burst.  And if I burst I'm going to lash out and take people down with me, and that's not fair nor something I want.

Now I'm laughing because I'm crying and it is just so ridiculous.

I live on my own, which you know.  I pay for everything myself, I never ask for money, and I rarely if ever ask for help from the people in my life for random things.  I have a successful career, I've published my first novel at 28 years old, I have a nice car, a small but wonderful group of friends, and of course a loving family.  But still, I go home to the place I pay for, all alone... and I sit alone... and I listen to music and write words down that probably don't mean much to anyone but me, and it just sucks.  It sucks.

I don't mean to unload on you but if I can't unload here then I can't anywhere.  And even though all of you are silent to me, and never really say anything, it somehow helps to think you're all on my side through this roller coaster I call a life and choose to share with you.  It's embarrassing to have this happen, to myself or anybody else, and it's embarrassing to share whether I was catfished or just gambled and lost.  Maybe it serves as a reminded to people who do this kind of thing, if that is any of you, and that it's a really awful thing to do to a person.  That there are consequences to your actions.

I have to believe that someone who could turn their emotions off so completely, in only a matter of hours, couldn't have been real from the start... but I don't know that.  Because if it sounded real, it looked real, and it felt real in my heart... who is to say it wasn't?  Not me.

Ever the eternal optimist.

 

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