that time i lived with my best friend

December 2018

Four and a half years ago, I met this guy up above. A mutual friend connected us, we had a couple dinners with conversations that went on for hours, we dated for three months, and then that was it. 

And FUCK does my head look huge. Damn.

January 2019

It's only now as I look back on that time that I realize I never wrote about him. He was mentioned in a new resolution part viii, but that was it. Two little lines. I wasn't sure about things with him at the time... I wasn't sure about myself and who I was or wanted to be. That part hasn't changed about me. What has changed is how these pictures, the first we ever took "together," gave no inclination to the fact he would become one of the best friends I've ever had. Where romance failed, and any kind of friendship took a year-long hiatus, something else developed between us. I'd like to share about that today.

Jonathan and I reconnected during Covid, both of us newly single again and sorta going through the motions of life. At first, it was awkward, coming back together and addressing the gap year, while also mostly just ignoring it. We're pretty good at ignoring stuff when it's uncomfortable. Our first day really hanging out together was toward the end of May 2020, when I was pouring concrete pavers for my patio at the Manor, and he came over to day-drink and chat.

With the riots in Minneapolis after what happened to George Floyd, the city enacted a curfew that evening. Coupled with the day drinking, we decided he should stay the night. We grilled out and drank some more, watched movies, and then had a live-karaoke session in my living room. It eventually resulted in us putting on heels from past Halloween costumes and lip-syncing to "I2I" from A Goofy Movie. That was the night that I knew (and he knew) there was something there between us. It wasn't romantic in nature, it was more than that. We always had a certain kind of comfort around each other, but now it had become this sort of next-level type vibe. With the world falling apart from the pandemic and the city in literal flames from racial injustice, our friendship was growing stronger and stronger by the day.

June 2020

It was that summer he earned his nickname, Mursula Gandalf, one that I am very proud of for coming up with in the organic way that I did, and one that has stuck quite profoundly. It is an inside joke that I don't want to share the details of, but I just want that name to be known here and now. For what it's worth, at least.

I sold the Manor later that summer, and he got involved in a relationship that had him out of town often and otherwise booked. Which was fine, of course, because as I told him the other day in a letter, what's the point of a friendship if you can't grow separately and still remain "together"? But as the colder months rolled in, I had health issues that started to rise. A few days before Christmas that year I had to drive myself to the ER for some debilitating pain in my abdomen that turned out to be a massive kidney stone.

Jonathan was the first person I called, and he made the trek up to the hospital in Maple Grove to sit with me in my morphine-induced euphoria. And like... it's not like that is moving mountains or anything, but when you don't have many people you can reach out to, and there's one that will drop everything to help you or console you or just be there for you, that means the world. Maybe not to everyone, but to most people, and certainly to me. 

As many of you know, I'm not typically a fan of asking for help.

December 2020

Sometimes I need help though, and a person like Jonathan makes it easy to ask for it, because he does it without pretense. He does it without asking for something in return, or on a condition... he just acts like a friend should, and he shows up. It was the first year I would ever spend Christmas alone, with Covid going on I couldn't leave the state due to my job, and with a stent placed in my gut and kidney stones having a holiday party, I also didn't want to drive somewhere. With my birthday the next day, that meant another solo ride for the first time. But he showed up that night when he got back to town, cake and gift in tow, and a party-cracker that scared the life out of me. For the record, NaeNae also came over that evening.

January 2021

Then there was my actual surgery, and of course, he was there for that too. Brought me jello to eat the day before because I had to fast for it, and then stuck around as I had the stones blasted. When I look back on this time, it feels like a very intimate thing even though at the moment, it wasn't. Perhaps it was just how he had inserted himself into my life and taken on a leading role among friends? This was mostly due to his proximity to me and having availability to do so. That's not a knock against any of my other friends, of course, it was just how the circumstances rolled out.

Over the next... year and a half, really... we had some distance between us. Relationships on either end of the line had each of us preoccupied. But the foundation existed now, y'know? And it was pretty fuckin' unshakeable, to the point that we started leaning on each other again long-distance during phone calls, albeit rare ones. As fractures in our romantic relationships started appearing, we were able to confide and share with each other in a way that was new for me. I've only had a couple of male friends over the years, and one or two I still hold very near and dear to my heart. 

With Jonathan, it was just different. Maybe because it had once been romantic between us, and now that it wasn't at all, there was no worry anything could be misconstrued that way? I suppose that granted me a certain level of calm and openness around him, knowing neither of us would ever interpret an intention in the wrong way.

September 2022

This past fall I got to bring him back to Appleton with me for Oktoberfest, which is arguably my favorite time of year in this city. Everything is green still, the weather is phenomenal, and everyone is just happy to be here. That's why most of us live in the midwest, after all... the short couple months of fall that are utterly perfect. Jonathan got to meet my parents for the first time, and he got to meet a few of my friends as well. It was the final step, in my humble opinion, of cementing someone in your life forever. When they get to see your hometown and where you grew up, things change. There's perhaps more understanding? I don't know if that's a thing or not, but it is what I liken it to.

In November we made the decision for Jonathan to move up from Oklahoma and in with me at the Ranch. His relationship was ending, and this was the opportunity for a few things. First, to get him away from the situation he was in. Second, so that I wouldn't be so goddamn lonely working from home after leaving retail behind. And third, so that we could have a few months together for him to figure out his next steps and so that I could prep for my move back to Wisconsin. 

For the outsider, however, I think there was a lot of confusion over this choice we were making.

It's common for people in the gay community to try and destroy things between other gays. We don't need bans on drag queens or transgender individuals to hurt our community, we're generally pretty content hurting it on our own. I won't say I'm entirely innocent of nastiness, though I will say any evil-doing I participated in is wellwellwelllllll in the past (like... 15 years in the past, truly). I think this animosity tends to arise when there are two individuals such as us, living a life that perhaps the outside doesn't understand. Best friends, no romantic inclinations whatsoever, who enjoy each other's company more than anything else. I think it's somehow viewed as "wrong" by others, and they will attempt to sabotage it in cruel ways. 

In the few months living together, the messages I received from strangers trying to "enlighten" me as to who Jonathan "really is" were insane. Some people thought they might have dirt, reaching out to one of us to spread gossip from fake Instagram accounts with a "did you know THIS about your friend?" And I didn't engage... there's no point in it, particularly when yeah... I did know "this" about my friend. I know everything about him, and he certainly knows everything about me. And it has been demonstrated easily that when one of us THINKS the other doesn't know what we're thinking, we're quite wrong. I'm hard to read, but this big bitch sees right through me.

I've only met a handful of people in my life that are privy to all of the real thoughts inside of me, for better or for worse. But he's one of them, and for that, I am grateful. Remember when I said our foundation was unshakeable? Well, I'll reiterate it here: it's unshakeable.

February 2023

It's not all sunshine and roses, y'know. There are things he did that drove me up the fuckin' wall, and they tend to begin and end with the kitchen sink (literally, not figuratively (you know what I'm talking about, Mursula)). But like in any relationship, that's how friendship goes too, isn't it? Look over the tiny things you don't LOVE and enjoy the rest? Because usually the rest is pretty great. 

You might be wondering right now "Sean, are you sure you don't have feelings for him?" And the answer is no, I do not. Not in a romantic sense, and I'm confident in saying he doesn't either. Maybe in the grand multiverse, there's a version of us that is together and happy. I totally see how that could be. It's just not in the cards for this one, and that's perfectly fine. We need friends... we need people that stay as friends. We need friends to keep us in check, to remind us of who we were and who we're turning into, to hold up the mirror when we don't want to see and just... to be there. 

That's him.

A week ago we got home from Australia, a "best friend trip" that changed my outlook on life. I will never forget our time in Sydney. The amount of laughing we did, and singing and dancing and libations and screams and tears and pure, unfiltered, joy. It was the trip of a lifetime, and one I am indebted to him forever for granting me the ability to partake in.

March 2023

I love my friends, one and all. I know that seems like a blanket statement, and perhaps it is, but the people I maintain some sort of contact with are the ones that bring me to life. I can come across as guarded to people, more often than not, as I get older. Some might say I can be cold. But my best friends are the ones that see this side and know what's beneath it... they're the ones that have sat with me while I cried, and they know who I am in my core. 

Having one is a treasure; having multiple is a gift. Though I'm moving back to Wisconsin to live near two of my bests, I am leaving a couple behind. Jonathan is one of them. 

I'm so sad to not live with him anymore. It breaks my heart that I won't be able to greet his groggy ass every day with a "Good morning, Camille," to get loud and scream movie quotes at each other. To hurl scathing insults that ONLY come from love and ALWAYS leave the other in laughing hysterics. I am so thankful we had this time together, however short it was, to lean on each other as we brushed the dirt and blood of the past from our knees. The last three months were a time for healing and coming together, and I know we succeeded in that. It's funny how living together followed the exact timeline of us dating... the end of November to the start of March. 

This time though, we came out stronger than we entered. While there's heartbreak in its ending of that form, there's excitement and hope in how it will continue.

It's particularly interesting how sad I am that this situation probably won't ever happen again... a perfect storm of events led to living with one of my best friends. I'm so happy that it did. Mursula Gandalf, my dear Jonathan, you've changed my life forever, and I want the world (ie, my 3 readers), to know it. 

Thank you for being you and never trying to be anybody else, you're perfect as you are.

To the rest of you, I'll just say ciao for now (c: