I needed a break.
That's the simplest... easiest... most finite way of explaining my absence. I needed a break. The YouTube videos, each an entire blog of their own, took up all of the writing creativity I had, and as of today, October 1st, we are one day away from the 26th episode (and season 2 finale) being released. That's about 14 hours worth of published video content and solid talking, and roughly 30 hours of actual filmed content that was edited down. These all come from scripts that are written for each episode, diving back in time (at least with the first season) 6 years to remember minute details from pictures and some videos.
Those scripts also involved confronting, largely for the first time, a lot of trauma from the last house.
Coupled with what ended up being a Herculean effort to finish projects on my house ahead of refinancing it, and then having to do MORE projects when my loan switched from conventional to FHA, and then even MORE hassles when the process was getting ready to close out, I just... I needed a break.
And truth be told, I'm having a really hard time grappling with that, to be honest. I entered this year with every intent of getting back to my roots and writing and updating and blogging.
And I have done that... just not in the way I thought.
That's not what I'm grappling with.
What I'm grappling with, re: struggling, is that I am still, for some reason, trying to be absolutely everything I can for everyone and everything in my life while still trying to be everything I can be for myself. You might ask what all that entails, so I'll bullet-point it for you (and me) because getting out down on paper (digital or otherwise) often helps me to organize it:
- I tried to be a best friend helping to navigate relationship issues.
- I mostly failed at that.
- A best friend helping to navigate home ownership.
- I did okay at that.
- A good son grappling with family medical issues.
- I'm doing fine with that.
- An interior designer helping clients with their own projects.
- This is actually going well.
- A good employee trying to project manage and write an SOP book and handle a large new client while maintaining other clients.
- Good days and bad days here.
- A 'content creator' trying to religiously post new YouTube videos every week with Instagram posts supplemented in between.
- I have yet to truly fuck this up, so it's going well.
- A planner by scheduling said YouTube videos a full YEAR in advance to make sure I've got the content planned and ready.
- This has gone well.
- A healthy individual who is navigating medication for ADHD while losing weight and maintaining said weight loss and trying not to fuck it up.
- I don't know man, stay tuned.
- A good homeowner and neighbor trying to make friends and spruce up my house.
- Varying degrees of success here.
- A good high school alumni, taking it upon myself to orchestrate a 21-year reunion in 2025 and reaching out personally to 357 classmates to do so (read the open letter here).
- This is going well, but the stress is making my eye twitch.
I'm trying to be a good sibling, I'm trying to be a good friend... I am setting constant fucking reminders in my phone throughout the week to do this thing, do that thing, and reach out to people (some I haven't spoken to in months) to touch base and reconnect. In the back of my mind, I am constantly telling myself that being out of retail means more than just getting to work from home; it means having time to do all of these things that I wasn't able to do before... but I'm still wondering why I'm not doing them.
Why do my priorities get all twisted and turned, and I lose sight, again, of who I am as a person? Because I'm just... I'm always head down and barreling forward and trying to complete everything as fast as humanly possible while maintaining an air of "reach out anytime, I'm here!" And I'm doing this all... doing it with a smile and hopefully what comes across as a friendly demeanor and wondering why some of the people I want the most to reach out and say they're thinking about me just... don't. I think some people watch the YouTube videos and get their "fix" of me, but uh... I'm still hangin' out over here, solo.
It's hard. It's been a hard summer. It hasn't been the worst summer, by any means, but it's been hard. And I've done that to myself, I know this. Me, the over-achieving Capricorn, has once again bitten off more than he can chew. I wanted this year so badly to be the one that finally eclipsed years past in terms of how many blogs I posted to this site, and I don't think I'll be able to do that now. Another disappointment set up and knocked down by yours truly. There's never enough time, there's never enough money, but there's always enough drive to want to get things knocked out.
Of course, we still have a few months to go, so I shouldn't count that out yet. But right now, it just feels like one of those lofty goals I will need to let go of.
And it's difficult for me to let go of things.
So let's breakdown, very loosely and very quickly, the last few months of my life so you can have a little update and I can look back at what has shifted for me, and then I can feel like this blog isn't hovering above me like some bitch troll from hell, poking me with reminders of what I haven't done.
May
In May, work continued on painting the house, shown here on the southwest facing peak. The house is now finished being painted, apart from the actual PEAKS themselves, that work is being hired out because it's just too high up for me to safely reach. It will be completed by mid-October.
June
In June, I took a before and after photo of my weight loss, comparing 281 pounds at the end of February 2024 to 245 pounds at the end of June. I'm down to 235 now, which is the lowest my weight has been since 2014. It's an uphill battle, and it has mostly plateaued, but that just tells me I need to get into the gym (especially now that working outside all summer has ended) and keep working on it. I feel more comfortable in my skin than I have in a really long time, and that makes me feel very happy.
July
In July, I reunited with Derek for dinner and ice-cream, seeing him for the first time in over five years. It was amazing being able to not only reconnect but to firmly understand that despite how it ended, being "in love" with someone for as long as I was can translate beautifully into a friendship with such a strong history. We laughed through the evening, recalling things I had completely forgotten about, and it provided an amazing sense of levity to how I had been feeling in general then.
August
In August, I had to scramble and do a 48-hour makeover of my primary bathroom upstairs to be ready for my FHA appraisal. This remodel was not in the cards at all until the spring of 2026, but my hand was forced because of the peeling wallpaper and the possibility of failing the appraisal process because of it. This meant in a mere two days I removed all wallpaper, removed all of the trim, removed the old toilet, and removed the sink faucet. I wiped down the glue, painted a primer that "sealed" the remaining glue, painted a color primer, painted the fancy paint (Pearl Noire by Sherwin Williams), and added all new trim before painting it (Iron Ore). The closet doors were repainted (Tricorn Black), a new toilet was added, the vanity was painted (Tricorn Black), the vanity top was refinished with a kit, a new faucet was added, and new hardware for the closet doors and vanity, new shades for the lights, and new artwork.
I passed the appraisal, but the house appraised $20k lower than I wanted. It is what it is.
::this reminds me; still gotta repaint that floor::
September
Finally, in September, the month was mostly a blur, but I did get to escape up north to my oldest friend's (Leah) family cabin with her and her sister for a perfect weekend of early fall weather, great laughs, and a lot of serenity. I also rode an ATV for the first time in my life, but poor planning had me in a swimsuit, so I was just trying desperately not to crush my balls. Also, I've never felt my tits jiggle the way they did. You're welcome.
So there you have it, the May/June/July/August/September update. I could've just called it the summer update and into fall, but here we are. I'm struggling, which isn't new, it's just what I do. Maybe it's what we all do. Struggle through life and keep saying "oh once this thing is done, it'll get easier." And then again, maybe that's just adulting in general. I dunno.
What I do know is that It's October now, and I can wear hoodies. All of the prep work for the Halloween videos and the recording for said videos is done, and I just have to edit them together into something cohesive. I can look forward to the fact that I don't really need to buy anything for Christmas decor this year seeing as I did so much last year, and that's awesome. It wasn't the case for Halloween. But what I also know is that it WILL get easier, it always does, it's just a rocky road to get to that. Stay tuned.
Ciao for now (c:
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