the july update: second edition

I'm a big fan of holding my breath.  I'll hold it when I'm watching a movie and people are swimming under water.  I'll hold it if I'm driving and I see someone driving like a dick; conversely I'll hold it when I'm kinda driving like a dick (particular in the snow).  I hold my breath when I'm scared, I hold it during the best action scenes, and of course I hold it a little bit when I'm brushing my teeth.  I don't know why for that last part, but it's true.

Imagine spending the entire month of July essentially holding your breath.

Now I of course don't mean that in a literal sense, but I've known since July 1st when I started photoshopping the necessary elements of my book cover (read about that here) that the month would end in the publication of my book.

It's terrifying, it's a little awe inspiring, and overall it gives me lots and lots of butterflies.

But I am getting a smidgen ahead of myself because while most of the month was spent in anticipation of the big event, there were also plenty of other things that occured that are just as notable, if not more so.

So July started with a week off of work, and that was amazing.  No travel, no real plans to do anything, just a glorious week of enjoying summer and getting to act like a kid again (complete with swimming in a pool in someone's backyard and drinking lots of apple juice (Redd's apple juice, natch)).  I spent a lot of time with Miss T and reconnected with her after a few stray months of getting too stuck in my own world.

But really we did spend a lot of time together this month and it was very nice.  We went to Sawdust days in Oshkosh for the 4th of July and saw a whole slew of people with eyepatches and rotting teeth, and sadly wearing what they probably considered their best outfits.  I tried to fit in by making one eye wander independently from the other (that's the truth, too).  The picture above was from later in the month after seeing her husband, J, play in the Glam Band in Houdini Plaza for the Appleton Downtown Concert Series that goes on every thursday night in the summer.  We went to katsuya after (my first time there) and had a blast with our chef who told me I looked like Thor.

#winning

Later in the month I was told I look like the offspring of Thor and Brad Pitt.

#doublewinning

There was also my 10 year high school reunion, and despite rehearsing my speech to recite a detailed account of how I concocted a miracle glue recipe (I really hope you all get that reference), hardly anybody showed up.  What a bust.  And really, that was heartbreaking, because I wanted to show off how much thinner I got since the last reunion five years ago.

All kidding aside, I had been looking forward to seeing more people and that just didn't happen.  I didn't get out a pen and paper to tally but I doubt more than twenty or so people showed their faces.  That just goes to show how maybe high school was a miserable experience for more people than just me and they don't really need to relive it.  That's what Facebook is for anyway, isn't it?  I went to the reunion with @jonathan_kent and @leahvanrooy and had a blast though, with @caitcd showing up later in the evening.  The drinks were strong and cheap so that's always a winning combination.  And also it's worth mentioning that I did reconnect with some friends from elementary school and that in and of itself made the night worth it.

Maybe I'll be the organizer of the 15 year reunion?

There was also the event of this lovely gal's bridal shower, on a day with weather that could not have been more perfect if you begged for it.  Warm, low humidity, brilliant sun and a good breeze.  And the day went off perfectly as well and really that's all that matters.  @caitcd got some great gifts, I got a great doorprize, and we all won!  Sunshine and rainbows for everyone!  The day of her wedding is getting closer and closer and I've started working on the speech she asked me to give at it.  It's difficult to mix the right amount of humor with the right amount of heart, without alienating anyone in the audience, but I suppose that's what makes a good speech, yeah?

Overall the month was great.  It was mostly hot, sadly not filled with any really great lightning storms, and it was as long as it needed to be.  I love summer and I'll be sad when it's gone, but right about now is when I start thinking about fall and Halloween and all that entails.  I'm juuuuuust about ready for cooler nights, bonfires, rainy days with orange leaves in the gutters, and of course some pumpkin spice lattes.

Until then, I'm content wearing a tank top and trying to get a tan.

So what else happened in July?  I finished re-reading the Harry Potter series (and re-watching all of the movies) and both started and finished Game of Thrones on HBO.  I babysat my sister's kids for the first time in my life, nailed a karaoke duet with Miss T, and finally bought something at the farmer's market with @markstyleme.  Made a great chocolate zucchini bread, went out to the art walk to support my friends at Anagen Eleven, and I suppose above all I began to work on the final edit of my second book.  No time like the present, right?  RIGHT!

Check back at midnight for the next blog, aptly titled "no longer self-proclaimed."  You'll see why if you didn't already know (c:

PS I'm OBSESSED with this song right now.  Ciao for now!  Biggest news of my life drops August 1st!

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a cover story

Marketing is a bitch, I'd like to say that first and foremost.  And not because it's difficult to sometimes execute, and not because the physical act of creating it is necessarily difficult, but the idea itself is.  A movie poster, an ad in a magazine, or let's just say a book cover... you've got to sell something without having the luxury of adding your own words and excitement to it.

Let an image sit on its own and sell a product for you.

I've always had it in my head what I wanted for the cover of my book.  Granted, the very very first version of what was then called "The Originality" was just the word hovering over a cityscape with the "O" as the ring the book is based around.  But soon after that I started putting my three main characters on the cover.  At first they were anime style characters because that was all I could draw at the time, and sadly I cannot find any pictures of what that cover once was.  Trust me, it was something...

In 2006 I started drawing what you see below.  They were originally models from magazines that I traced and then changed the details of (hair, clothes, yadda yadda.)  Banning, the gent in the middle, is wearing an outfit from later in the book but I realize now looking back on it that it looks like a Halloween costume or maybe a sex-slave outfit.  Either, really.

I got the idea one day a few months later while avoiding writing that I should fill in the drawing with black.  I kept thinking that if it were really a book cover, I wouldn't want to see the faces of the people I'd drawn because they weren't amazing in any way and certainly no one would buy a book that looked like that.  Ever.  Now that being said, I've always loved silhouettes.  I find them powerful, mysterious, and in the end, just plain cool.  I couldn't tell you why if I tried, it's just something about them that strikes me.

So I retraced my image, transferred it, and then colored it in with a black marker.  Not really pleased with the marker, I then painted it with black and once it had dried, used my parents scanner to bring it to digital life.  In the middle picture above, the way the paint dried is why there are ripples in the background.  Then I used the junky version of Photoshop I had at the time and filled them in and right away, I was impressed.  With a little dicking around (as I'm so fond of doing with Photoshop) I added some light effects and lens flares and it absolutely blew me away.

No, it wasn't perfect, but to a 21-year-old me at the time it was the best thing I could imagine.  And it became the cover of "The Originality."

Three years later I started the final MAJOR rewrite of the book and with it came a title change that didn't make me cringe every time someone asked me what my book was called.  "The Originality" became "The Onyxus Chronicles."  I decided at that point to move beyond the drawn version of the cover and hunt down pictures of actual people to use instead.  The character of Sydney (on the right) is British and was originally based on Kate Beckinsale, but as time had gone on and I discovered Emily Blunt, she replaced her.  Going into this that was the only person I knew I would be using.  For Bryna, on the left, I just needed to find an actress shorter in stature with blonde hair, and Kristen Bell fit the role perfectly.

Then there's Banning.  He's written as having blond hair, but for the rewrite it ended up being a dirtier blond and I found a picture of a model named Caleb Lane that reminded me of the outfit he wears later in the book (again, the trashy sex-slave outfit.)  So I had my leads.

For a time, this cover served its purpose just as its predecessor had and I was pleased with it.  At this point the reason behind keeping them as silhouettes was so that the reader could imagine any face they wanted on the figures.  Imagine themselves, imagine a friend, whatever they wanted.  That's part of why silhouettes are cool; they can be what you need if you have a little imagination.  And clearly I tamed Emily Blunt's hair, because in silhouette form it looked craaaaazy.

We flash forward a few years later now.  The thing that bugged me about the second incarnation of the book cover was that you could not see any details.  Hair color, skin color, nothing.  I wanted it to be a bit more than that.  At this point I'd also gotten over my fascination with Caleb Lane and wanted to go with super-sexy-stud-muffin Brandon Stoughton instead.  Also, Bryna needed to be replaced by someone who looked a little more exotic and Amanda Seyfried has blossomed into a vixen ready for the role.

So I hunted down hi-def images, found a PERFECT shot of Emily Blunt, and using Photoshop skills that had become much more finely tuned I came up with what you see below.

I was in love with it.  Suddenly they weren't just silhouettes but they were real.  They were tangible.  I could imagine them doing and saying the things they do in the book and it made all the difference to me.

That was 2012 though, and when I decided to get serious about publishing, I knew I had some more work to do.  I spoke with my wonderful big brother at great length about the cover and he said he would design it for me.  I was over the moon because he's good at that "stuff" and I knew my ideas would be in good hands.  In January this year he sent me a page of mockups and I picked and prodded them with what I did and did not like before giving him my thoughts.  There was no huge rush to get the cover done, seeing as I wasn't done with the final edit of my work, so I messed around with some of his ideas on my own work and churned out the cover below in the interim.

I had to get rid of Times New Roman as a font because that was just silly at this point.  Ease back on the multiple lens flares, moved Sydney to the opposite side (because she's his right hand... get it?) and add a little shading to the girls to give better depth.  Again, I loved it, because it was never a question to me of what I wanted this to look like.  Maybe it was not the exact version of what I wanted it to look like, but my idea was solid.

I figured when the time came to make the real cover I would just go to a website like Shutterstock.com and buy a few images to use.  Legally I couldn't use my three celebrities on the cover, due in large part to the fact I had not taken the pictures myself and therefore did not own them.  I am but a humble writer, one without a legal team to fight my battles were someone to get huffy over what I'd done.

But after perusing Shutterstock I admit I was at a loss.  None of the models were posed the way I wanted, there faces (though no, they wouldn't be seen) were nothing at all like those of the characters, and it just bothered me.  It killed me, actually, because I didn't want to "settle" with my book cover.  I've never been the person who says "Yeah... this is good enough, I guess," and anyone who knows me would agree.

My brother suggested I shoot the cover myself and after some deliberation I decided he was right.

I reached out on Facebook for help, something I'm not super prone to doing.  Me being me, I like to do things myself.  This time however, I would not be able to turn myself into a woman to get the silhouettes.  Not good ones, at least.

Obviously.

I know I shouldn't be as surprised as I usually am when people are willing to help me but I genuinely was shocked at the interest people showed in being a part of the cover.  The very first response was from a girl I used to work with at Express and it floored me.  When I met her so long ago, I thought she looked like Bryna.  When I started the re-write of the book, Bryna became her.  Her features changed a little to fit this girl I knew so little about, and in the end, she was who I thought of whenever I read the character.  And she wanted to be her on the cover, not even knowing my thoughts on the matter.  So obviously I was over the moon.

I asked a specific person I had in mind to be my Sydney and she was very enthusiastic to do so.  I told the girls I would keep them anonymous for their sake, and should they decide to reveal the roles they played then that would be up to them.  My plan when I started writing this blog had been to then tell you all that I'd found a guy for my Banning and leave it at that, but me being me (again) and annoyingly honest, I'll just tell the truth.

I filled in for Banning.

I thought it would be too self-serving to do so right off the bat, but the amount of people that told me I should be him just mounted to a point that I thought "Oh who the fuck cares, it's my book and he's my creation."

Banning always was me.  He represented me.  And though he's straight and super fit and yadda yadda yadda, his character will always represent the biggest piece of me (as opposed to the girls which are just fractions of my mind.)  So I filled the shoes of my leading man and that's all there is to it.  Easter egg revealed!

So the girls came over, I turned my apartment into a studio, and we had a blast.  @markstyleme came to help with hair and posing, @klreynol was there because she has been since the inception of the book (and it's dedicated to her, so I felt it was only right to have her present,) and @caitcd was on hand as well with her camera so that the pictures would hit the quality I needed.  We drank champagne and wine and laughed and joked the whole time.  We made each other feel comfortable in what we were doing and that was the best part, because ever so surprisingly, it is not easy at all to mimic the poses of pictures you've been staring at for so many years.

When I took the very first picture and saw how the backlighting worked on my Sydney, I got a little emotional.  Goosebumps, tight throat, the works.  Because it was finally real.  This whole thing was finally real, and I guess in many ways, coming to an end.

That's the final cover.  That's what is wrapped around the 396 page novel currently sitting beside me on my desk as I write this.  I am so stoked for this cover, I'm so over joyed that it hit the marks I wanted it to hit and will do it's job at selling the book the way I intended it to.  Striking, simple, and a little mysterious.  It could serve as a movie poster, it will be the template for each of the three (so far) sequels that branch off from this story, and it just works.  It may not be the best cover ever designed but it's what I wanted and that's all that matters in the end.

I am incredibly appreciative to my brother Josh most of all for his help in designing the final cover(s) and could never thank him enough.  I'm thankful to the insight and input from my three bests that were with me the night I cemented this in history, and above all I'm thankful to all of you and your continued words of support.  One week from tomorrow and this will be published and available for anyone and everyone wants to read it.

The cover story is only the beginning!

the june update: second edition

I'm not sure if you can tell by now, but I never got around to writing again in June.  Color yourselves surprised, right?  I was telling @klreynol at some point this month how it has gotten harder and harder for me to sit down and write these.  I don't know if that's just a lack of interest on my part or if it's because I just have way too much going on in my world.  The bulk of "too much" centers around my book, but as I keep saying, that's a blog for another time (and one I'm actively working on.)

Sooooooo June.  Great month, for starters.  There was all kinds of stuff that happened and kept me scootin' around for the most part.  We shall start, dear reader, with a brief account of my trip to Texas.

Side note: I just bought a new desk chair and threw out my old one, but the new one isn't here yet so I'm sitting on this wood one that's just KILLING my ass.

I kicked off the trip on a Thursday with that dear gal you see up above.  Admittedly I was a little stressed out about this trip because it'd be spending a lot of time with my mom and something that I hadn't done in a very long time.  The last time we'd even flown together was for my brother's wedding back in 2001 and even then, we didn't sit together on the plane.  There is always an initial feeling that I'm going to get annoyed with someone but I'm always pleased as punch to discover it doesn't really apply to family members.  Parents, siblings, yadda yadda.  And from the minute we took off, it was great.

The flights went as planned, no drama or anything like that.  When we got to Austin I checked in with Hertz and upgraded my car from whatever it was supposed to be and to a 2014 Chevy Cruze.  I personally would never buy one (I'm too tall for cars like that) but it was a fun vehicle to scoot around town in for a few days, and being my first rental car I was happy with how it turned out.  Josh called it a stormtrooper car (it was white with black details).  I was super stoked that I was able to navigate us all the way from the airport to Josh's house WITHOUT the GPS.  I'm weird when it comes to directions anyway but that's usually only when I've driven somewhere myself before; I just remember.

Seeing as I'd never driven in Austin myself, I was waaaay proud of the accomplishment.  We went to a fun place called Chuy's for dinner (TexMex food, outdoors of course) and then I think just farted around the house that evening.

The next day Josh had to work and the kids were in school, so mom and I drove around the city all day.  Chatting, stopping for food, shopping and sight-seeing.  It was refreshing in a weird way to go about the day with her because I was able to see the city with someone who didn't really know it either, and it was a chance to experience it somewhat "on my own" without a guide like my brother.

That night I went out to dinner with my former sister-in-law and her new fiance (is it weird we hang out?  I don't think so) and then we met up with my brother to go to Master Pancake at the Alamo Drafthouse downtown.  Master Pancake is sort of like a live Mystery Science Theatre thing, where there are a few comedians that make fun of a movie the whole time you're watching it.  Last summer Josh took me to one for ConAir (hiiiiilarious) and this time it was for the first Hunger Games movie.  It was funny, but you could definitely tell there's not as much to make fun of when it's a good movie (compared to a Michael Bay terd).

And honestly the rest of the trip just flew by.  We saw Maleficent as a family unit, visited Zilker Park,  checked out a few Whole Foods on the search for mesh bags, visited out a town/tourist trap called Gruene (Green) that was fun, and then the trip was wrapped up and mom and I were headed home with a four hour layover in Atlanta.  I will say we got to experience the lovely Terminal F, which was international departures and quite nice from being remodeled, and thus not a bad way to spend such a bulk of time.

A week or so into the month, @caitcd and I decided to kick off the summer and go tubing up in Crivitz on the Peshtigo river (the usual haunt) and drove up on a Monday morning.  It's an 80 mile drive, takes about an hour and half but it's always worth it because the water is decently deep and you never run into people on the river.  THIS time, however, was a no-go.  That mean old bastard that runs the campground you rent the tubes from was the most unapologetic shit ever.

Sean: "Hi there, could we get two for tubing please?"
Old Fuck Head (OFH): "We're not doing it today."
Sean: "...what?"
OFH: "We only do that Friday Saturday and Sunday now."
@caitcd: "Does your website say that?"
OFH: "Not yet."
Sean: "We... drove 80 miles from Appleton."
OFH:  ::shrug::

No apology, no remorse that even though the website says they run it everyday, they don't.  We were both liiiiiivid.  So we took off, I burned rubber (not really) and decided to head over to Marinette because it wasn't far and neither of us had ever been there.  And y'know, it ended up being an okay day.  We went to a couple state parks and got to walk in the water of Lake Michigan (above) and just be outside.  It was a little chilly anyway and I think we would've been kinda cold if we had ended up actually in the water.  But a few Gin & Tonics, plus some chips and assorted treats and we were right as rain.

And also aware not to try to go tubing outside of the weekends.

Towards the end of the month I got a bug up my butt to start working on a new furniture project.  Maybe 8 years ago I bought the above desk from Target as a floormodel.  I paid like $30 for it, the back panel was shattered and the thing had been put together wrong.  But I bought it anyway and used it for a few years before deciding I wanted to fix it.  My awesome dad was nice enough to step in and take over for me, fixing the back panel and sanding the whole thing down so it could be staind this mahogany color I had purchased.

He did the staining and varnishing and all that, and while I loved it at the time, over the years I disliked it more and more because it was always so damn shiny and red.  A few days ago I noticed these weird bubbles on it and picked at one of them, only to have it peel off in a huge chunk of dried polyurethane.  So I decided to give it my "headboard treatment" from last year.  I disassembled the desk and took it over to my parents' house, sanding it down in about an hour.

I took a chain, a metal file, and an axe to it, beating the hell out of the top of the desk and the drawers so that I'd get that great "reclaimed" effect I have come to love so much.  I actually had the whole thing stained and varnished that very day, working quickly when I got home to stain the entire base ebony and then the top and drawers walnut.  I'd have left the walnut raw (like I did the ebony) because I don't really like how the polyurethane makes the stain look, but I knew with it being a desk I'd have to otherwise I'd fuck it up somehow and be pissed at myself.

No one likes being pissed at themselves!

And lastly we come to tonight, June 30th.  Tonight, tonight... and it was a big one, actually.  I put out a post on Facebook a couple weeks ago announcing that I was looking for some models to shoot a new version of my book cover.  I'll go more into depth on the cover in a blog a few weeks from now, but I'll give the gist of it here.  The cover as it exists right now is celebrities.  And there is a silly thing called "copyright" that I rarely pay attention to, but when it comes to this I'm afraid I must.

Because I don't want to be sued.

I'm gonna keep the models anonymous because the whole point of using silhouettes as I do is to allow you to put whoever you want in the shadow.  Picture whoever you want.  I had @markstyleme come over to assist with hair and wardrobe, @caitcd there to be the photographer extraordinaire, and of course @klreynol because she's taken this journey with me from the beginning and seeing as the first book is dedicated to her, it was only fitting she experience this.  So everyone came over and we had some champagne to celebrate, and then we got down to taking some pictures.

I haven't gotten around to tinkering with them yet, I'll have plenty of time tomorrow to do so, but so far I am ecstatic with how they turned out.  Once assembled, the silhouettes go off to my brother and he'll assemble the final cover.  Then, ya know... bing bang boom I'm a millionaire.

Or something.

So what else happened in June?  Saw what felt like a million movies: Edge of Tomorrow was excellent, How to Train Your Dragon 2 was fantastic, Maleficent was great, Transformers was shitty-awful.  Busted out new songs at karaoke, celebrated @klreynol's little boy Noah turning one, and GRILLED OUT LIKE A CHAMP.  I got some fancy new glasses, absolutely and completely finished my first novel, got some wicked awesome tan lines that I certainly won't regret (...), and finally, spent quality time with all of the people that make me me.  Ya'll know who you are (c:

Ciao for now!

the may update: second edition

May.  The trees start greening up and the grass starts to sprout.  You've finally got flowers on the trees, sunlight making your car a blazing inferno, and of course the summer "blockbuster" season of movies begins.  Lastly (and maybe most importantly depending on how you look at it), when it comes to relationships, for me this May started with a lift off and ended with nothing more than a gentle landing.  I didn't make it to the stratosphere this time, but maybe the next great launch is right around the corner.

That's all I'm going to say about my relationship with E.

I'm actually writing this to you the night before I leave for Austin, and I'm doing so for a couple reasons.  1.) I don't want to write while I'm out of town, 2.) I can't guarantee I'd find the things I want to talk about, and 3.) leaving the trip out of this blog will give me something to write about in June.  And then everybody wins!  Ps... I'm also writing it on the trip now, because #3 was the last thing I wrote and then I went to bed and it's now June 1st and the last night before heading back to Appleton.  It's also the first time I missed publishing one of these on the last day of the month.

So sue me!

Pretty true to form as I sit to write this puppy out (I say this every time (tough shit)) I really can't recall much about the month other than it went by incredibly fast and I was happy during nearly if not all of it.  Not happy just because I was in a relationship (I learned a long time ago not to look for happiness through another person), but happy because the warmth was starting to wash over me and a few random things started happening that deal directly with my future.

For starters my wonderful boss Courtney announced she is pregnant and is, coincidentally, due on Black Friday this year.  At first I thought "Ohhh nooo..." but then the excitement began to take hold of what this means for me.  I essentially go into General Manager training so that I can be the acting GM while she is gone for three months.  Not only will I be signed off on as a GM by the powers that be, but I will also be able to transfer to any Pottery Barn, PBKids, PBTeen, West Elm OR Williams Sonoma in the company as a GM.  Anywhere.  And thus the door of possibility to me moving opens wider (c:

Outside of work it was certainly a month of movies.  The Amazing Spider-Man 2, X-Men: Days of Future Past, and Godzilla.  I'd have to rate X-Men as the best of the three, but the others came with their merits as well.  I always love a good summer blockbuster and they were all good in a certain aspect, so that's money well spent if you ask me.  Who doesn't like seeing cities get destroyed or people with (cool) genetic mutations that let them do all sorts of crazy shit?  I know I do!  Take my money, take it!

Toward the end of the month @klreynol's parents had a 30th wedding anniversary celebration and a pig roast.  I spent months looking forward to it because 1.) @klreynol is as organized as I am when it comes to celebrations so I knew it would be great and 2.) she had some family coming in from out of town that I was very excited to see (namely Aunt Kathy!) and spend some witty time with, and 3.) I'd never been to a pig roast less you count a graduation party I went to in 2004 and I don't because I didn't like the guy anyway.

Just saying.

It was an absolutely perfect day and at least weather wise, it could not have gone any better.  Bright and sunny in the 70's with no humidity and really no bugs either.  That's a #win in Wisconsin!  The pig grossed me out though I still ate a small piece, and I did gorge myself on grape salad (yummmmmm) and a little bit of fluff.  Fluff is a mysterious food made of pistachio pudding mix, marshmallows, and pineapple.  There may be other things in it, like powdered Unicorn horn and pixie dust, I don't know.  I do know that it rocks my face off.  And that I'm reading too much Harry Potter.

It was also great to see a pair of people pay tribute to a marriage lasting so long.  And seeing @klreynol's father smiling again after all he has been through was just icing on the proverbial cake.  The real cake had vanilla icing, but I digress ::tosses hair::

So what else happened in May?  Bernice got bitch-slapped in the Home Depot parking lot and her bumper crushed, I went to a baseball game for the first time in 12 years, and then Bernice was subsequently fixed.  I ate a turkey burger for the first time ever (pass on THAT happening again), managed to NOT cut my hair all off, and realized maybe I'm better off just being single forever.  Finished 2/3 of the FINAL edit of my first book, made another commissioned painting for a friend, had a wonderful chat with my drama teacher from high school and at some point dug up a few emotions I thought I had lay to rest long ago.

Y'know, it's interesting that last year when May ended and June began I was facing the end of my last relationship.  I'm not as sad as I was back then, and I certainly won't allow it to ruin this summer the way that one did; I won't say it's funny, because it's not, but saying it's "interesting" covers all manners of sin.

Anyway, that's where I'm at.  Or where I'm leaving it at, as it were.  Stay tuned for my recap of "austin: scene 4."  Ciao (c:

lift off

I think I've used that quote before.  And for a lack of ambition, I'm gonna save myself some time and not check.  But I feel it applies to this situation because in the end, it's a choice.  More on that later, but hey, if it fits, it sits!

Or so my cats seem to believe.

I think people (or at least certain individuals) mistakenly take my blogs and openness in general as a sign that I'm unable to keep anything to myself.  Be it to keep a secret, to keep a truth, to keep any sort of experience private, etc.  I believe those same people are in for a rude awakening when it comes to this kind of situation.  Last year I shared a little too much with the people around me when it came to dating Scout.  "He said (insert example here) so what does that mean?"  "He did (insert example here) yesterday so what does THAT mean?"  "Help me, he's confusing!"

I needed constant validation that I wasn't wasting my time with him, and in the end, I was still wasting it.  The great thing about Eric (hereafter referred to as E) is that I don't need validation.  I'm an adult, I can make my own decisions, and lately I know (for a change) that maybe they are finally the right ones.  So in regards to me not needing validation, I also will not be writing about him much save for this one, singular blog.  Every now and then I want one thing to just be mine, y'know?  To not have to share it with people, to not provide my deepest and most sacred thoughts surrounding it.  I just want it to be mine, for me, and not for anyone else.  In this case, for myself and E.

I'm not going to share what happened on our first date, when the first kiss was, when we held hands for the first time, because none of that information is pertinent.  If any of it is at all.  What I WILL share is what my thought process has been over the last few weeks.  I honestly haven't discussed E very much with people, be it my bests or anyone else, because to do so would be to over analyze (something I'm great at) and I don't want that this time.  I've only really ever been in one serious relationship and it lasted for three years.  I find myself looking back at the inception of that relationship and wondering why it actually made it off the ground to sub-orbital flight, and it comes down to the fact I had no one to really talk to about it.

@klreynol lived in Michigan and we didn't talk a ton.  @caitcd and I had not reconnected yet after high school and wouldn't for another year.  @markstyleme lived in Madison, so I didn't have him either.  Thus, I kept my thoughts to myself and worked out problems on my own.  And y'know what?  It worked.  Sometimes I feel like I need to escape my head to sort out the mess, but the reality is that I alone know how to solve my own problems the best way and in this case, it meant shutting my mouth.

I could draw all sorts of parallels of how this is starting with E to my relationship with Ken if I wanted to.  And while I don't want to, at the same time it's me and that's just what I do naturally.  I use metaphors and simili's and analogies, finding any hint of recognition or similarity to any event that has come before and trying to decode the secrets of some clandestine fate.

With Ken it started in April of 2008.  Well... I suppose technically we started speaking in March, but the first date was in April.  This one was as well.  He and I had spent a few weeks talking on the phone at first, also casually getting to know each other by texting and online chats through Yahoo! Messenger.  This time has been the same, though they have really just been small daily conversations through phone calls and all-day conversations through text.  No Yahoo! Messenger this time around (do people still use that anyway?).  E and I weren't sharing anything too revealing in our conversations, instead keeping them fun and lighthearted in order to save the bigger (re: important) topics for in-person chats.

Ken and I met through a dating website.  Technically a hookup site, but still a website.  E and I met in person.  Initially it was a very loooooong time ago (before I knew Ken,) then randomly over the years, and more recently when he asked me out in person.  Our first date in 2008 had been on a rainy Saturday where nothing went as planned; this one was a sunny Friday where everything went as smoothly as it possibly could.

Now, these are quite subtle differences and right from the off, they don't mean much.  They didn't mean anything the first time around six years ago, they certainly don't mean anything this time around.  But when it boils down to it I know how my last relationship ended; maybe with this one starting on a different foot (a "better" foot if you will) it'll be the difference needed?  I don't know and frankly I don't really want to know.  I could be holding on to a fool's hope but it's a hope all the same, and it is my hope.  I haven't been hopeful for a long while so there's really nothing wrong in indulging is there?

Sometimes I can't help but look at myself and think "what the hell do you know about dating?" In the same regard, I can't help but look back on myself six years ago when I last embarked on this journey and think "well what the hell did you know about dating?" Through a lot of trials and tribulations (re: shitstorms) I made it work once before, and maybe this time if the chemicals are just right I can make it work all over again.  Because that's what love is, right?  Just a bunch of chemicals telling us what is good and what isn't?  Up from down, yadda yadda?

I wish I understood it more than I do, but then where would the fun in that be?  Where would the mystery of "love" be?  I'm not in love with E... I'm smitten, of course, but I'm not in love because though we are approaching one month, that would be too fast.  I suppose the big difference with Sean in 2014 and Sean in 2008 is a lot more caution and patience.  I haven't been in a hurry to fall in love since it ended with Ken, and I'm still not in a hurry now.

And though I'm not in a hurry, I am ready.  I don't want to get those two things mixed up.  If this heads toward love, faaaaaantastic.  If it doesn't, well... alright and that's okay too.  It wouldn't be great but it certainly wouldn't be the end of the world.  It's just another lesson learned and an even more weathered eye on the horizon for the next time.  I realize maybe love just isn't in the cards for some people.  Not love itself, but maybe the aspect of being "in" love.

Wouldn't it be great though if I could just win at something like this for a change, only to sit back and watch the world melt away in the aftermath of a kiss that leaves me breathless?

It's what I want.  It is my choice to be happy again, not anyone else's.  Mine.  I want to feel the earth drop away from me, I want the jet of a relationship to make it off the ground and not only reach that elusive suborbital flight, but maybe rocket through the stratosphere as well.  There really isn't anything like that feeling... I've had it before and I want it again.  I want to feel inspired and adored and loved, and not just by a friend or a family member but by that one person.  That special person I feel the same way about, reciprocated through and through.  My guy.

Lift off.

Here's to fresh starts, magical kisses, and the ability to hope once more.

Toodles gang (c:

the april update: second edition

April.  Great month.  Great, great, great month.  This thought process, or "adoration" of the month, is possibly the first time since back in 2008 that I've felt this way.  But I do, again.  There is a definite reason for said feelings, but unfortunately they won't be divulged in this blog.  They will be in the NEXT blog, posting probably early next week.  It's written and all that, I just need to get it out for you.

Hint: it has to do with my date.

So why was April great?  It just... was.  It was a fantastic month, they actually DO happen!  The weather finally started shifting and rearranging itself into a mostly tolerable temperature and such a thing tends have have a very subliminal yet profound effect on me.  On you?  I assume on everybody but y'all know what happens when you assume: you're an asshole.

Proof's in the pudding!

As I sit down to write this update I feel like in some ways, everything yet nothing happened in April.  Does that ever happen to any of you?  You know you experienced some great things, and at the time they were of course great, but when you look back at the reminders you just kind of go "oh, yeah."  I dunno, maybe it's just me.

The weather was super nice at the start of the month and that got me out and running again.  Unfortunately it was a short lived endeavor (for now) because the cold that remains and the WIND that remains is just too much for me right now.  I feel like an obese asthmatic when I get home from a mile long run and that's just not right.  Until the gale force winds stop, I'll be exercising at home.  Because I know you care.

I can already tell this blog is gonna be a rambler.  Sorry in advance!

I started painting again, I suppose that's a big thing?  I used to limit myself to painting the "lyric" paintings but I want to expand into other things.  The blue tree branch last year was a start but now I just want to keep going and moving on to other things.  Anything really.  And I would like an alternate means of earning money so what better way (until I'm published) than doing it off of my talents?  I'm sure the things I paint aren't for everyone, but I think there's an audience out there and I'm hoping to reach them somehow.  Have something you want done?  Drop me a line.  Thought my abundant free-time could possibly be drawing to a close, I still have free time.  Get at me!

I went to Chicago around the middle of the month to visit Jillybean for the first time at her home.  It was a great trip, filled with lots of walking as we have grown accustomed to over the years of knowing each other.  I don't know why, either.  It's just what we do.  And sometimes we don't even talk that much, we just walk.  It's nice having a friend you can do that with, not having to fill the voids of silence with words.  Everything important has been said and sometimes it is just comforting being around someone you don't have to prove anything to.

Hmmmm what else have I got before I tie this up with a big bow... OH, the babies turned four on the 12th!  I know, you forgot to send your gifts, but really that's okay this time.  Paolo gave himself a new haircut (by licking the hair off his tummy (he had an 11-inch turd in his gut (you're welcome))) and Sophia decided it was time to start cuddling again.  I know you've all seen my cats and you know they're important to me, but sometimes I forget what they were meant to do and what they ended up doing and thus, in the end, I take them for granted.

Constant companionship aside, they weren't meant for that originally.  They were meant to fix something that was breaking more and more daily (my last real relationship.)  I suppose the way two people might have a baby to see if it changes the demise of their love, these little tykes were brought in to mend a few broken fences.  Ken called me one day while I was working at Express and said animal control in Green Bay had been called to pick up to strays from underneath someone's hot tub, and they found two kittens.  The 'lil boy and girl were hardly a week old and filthy.  Ken asked if we could have them (we hadn't discussed owning any pets up til that point) and I said we could take one of them.

One.

So then he sent a picture of someone holding the two of them in one hand and instantly my heart melted.  How could I even think of saying no to one OR the other, splitting them up forever?  I'm that person who humanizes pets (I think any great pet-owner humanizes their pets) and immediately knew as brother and sister, they had to be together.  Fooooreeevvvvverrrrr (the way that kid from the Sandlot said it.)  So they both came home that night.

Originally I'd named them Orion and Ellie but after a couple days of that, I decided I didn't like the names and changed them again.  Ken didn't care either way so I was ecstatic to be choosy about it (control freak, right here (never got to name a pet before (fish don't count (or the pet rats in CA (...or my hamsters.)))))  I loved a song called "Last Request" by Paolo Nutini and thought that would be the perfect name for the boy.  Then I needed an Italian name for the girl to match it and immediately went to Sophia.  Over the following months, Paolo became "my" cat.  He always wanted to be on my lap when we watched TV, cuddled up with me at night when we went to bed, or he just tended to follow me around the house as I was the unofficial "mama."  Sophia therefore took a shining to Ken and became more of his cat.

Our relationship bit the dust less than a year later, and Ken originally wanted to take her with him when he moved out.  I protested, feeling even stronger than I did before that you shouldn't split them up because they were brother and sister.  And even if the cats hadn't fixed "us" as a couple, we couldn't break up them as a dynamic brother and sister duo.  So I kept both of them.

I've probably now put more thought into this than I need to but being single for so long and mostly just having them during my down time, I can't help it.

For a long time I looked at Sophia bitterly because she represented Ken and I didn't like that.  But after that first year being away from him, she changed a little.  She got really mean to strangers, HATED my mom, and only behaved for me and one or two of my friends.  Since moving to the apartment she's been better and much more social, but still a bit tempermental around people.  And y'know what?  That's fine.  They've been through a lot, they've been moved around a lot, and if she wants to be a sassy bitch to my friends so be it.  She still cuddles up to me every night when it's bed time and that, coupled with the fact she's always had softer fur than Paolo, earns her a comfy spot at my side.  As my cat now, no one elses.  Paolo is still just a butthole that never leaves me alone.

Holy shit, this blog has become a love letter to my cats.  Sorry 'bout that...

So, what else happened in April?  Watched Miss T sing with Roadtrip on her birthday, rode the Metro in Chicago for the first time ever (surprisingly,) and had my first deep dish pizza.  Ever.  Learned sometimes it's the people closest that disappoint the most, set my oven on fire, and shared a second consecutive Easter with the Reynolds family.  But most of all?  I took me being single and struck a match toward it.  If that match sets the whole situation on fire, we shall see, but all I will say until the next blog is that where there's smoke, there's fire.

And trust you me, there's a whoooooole lot of smoke around that singleness!

So this time I think I'll leave you with a video from Glee.  Yes, Glee.  Now, I'll preface this by saying I haven't been amazed by Glee in a long time (if amazed is even the right word (...excited?)) but last week it got to me.  Rachel finally gets her broadway debut, nails it, and the group goes out to celebrate. Immediately I'm interested because they go to a gay club and then what's more, they perform "Pumpin Blood" by NONONO.  The song is one of those songs that resonates with me, I found it last summer and had compeltely forgotten about it until now.

So the characters feeling excited, having fun the way they used to, and singing a really good song, all that combined... struck me.  And I realized how right now, for the first time in a really, really long time, I'm genuinely happy.

It's been six years this month since I've felt this way, to be exact.  Toodles gang (c:

 

random truths, first edition

Alright, time to unveil one of the "new" blogs!  So excited I could just spit.  I find it's easier for me to write these things when I have a storyline to follow (not really a storyline, but more of a guide if you know what I mean.)  The existing storyline blogs are the yearly "iteration" blogs, the yearly "new resolution" blogs, and of course the most read of 'em all, the "monthly update" blogs.

I should give you statistics sometime on who actually reads what.  You might feel sympathy for me, haha.

So today, before your very eyes, I am unveiling the newest addition to the storyline blogs, "random truths."  I'll keep it to a list of ten each time, and these won't be monthly but maybe every couple months.  I've been storing thoughts and ideas for these things for coming up on a year now, trying to build an arsenal of topics to write about.  Some of these are funny, some maybe less so; some are random memories, and a lot of them are things that have happened and are maybe just plain ridiculous.  In the end, they are all random truths about me (your favorite self-proclaimed author) and just what it is that makes me tick.  Or come undone, as it were.

Enjoy (c:

1.) Sometimes when people profess a thought or emotion to me in regards to my well being, I want to ask them why they care.  And it's not to be mean or a bitch, I actually genuinely want to know why they care.  It's probably just the natural curiosity in me looking for detail and reason behind any kind of logic, or it may be because I am constantly trying to get people to prove things to me.  I dunno.  There was one time I mentioned to a coworker that I over analyze everything, be it people or places or things, and that I kind of hated it about myself.  She told me it's the writer in me, looking for detail and reasoning so I can better explain things in my own words; I found something comforting in that.

I used to think I was overly judgmental by picking people apart with my mind, in a good way or a bad way, but now I realize it maybe isn't being judgmental.  It's just being observant.

Downtown Redlands

2.) I grew up in a city in Southern California named Redlands, part of the "Inland Empire" which to me makes it sound really fancy.  I never thought it was a fancy city, and it wasn't, but looking at pictures of the place now certainly evokes a sense of something a lot nicer than how I remember it.  Maybe it's one of those things where you don't notice until it's gone from your life, but I was only 11 when we moved away so how the hell would I know the difference?

This picture is dated 2009... the sign implies otherwise.

There was a mall though, the Redlands Mall, and the other day while I was at work we were talking about the Easter Bunny outside our store and I got to thinking about that mall.  It wasn't the kind of place you really went to for big shopping, but it had enough stores (Miller's Outpost sticks out for some reason) to get you to go and there was always the excitement of seeing "Hot Dog on a Stick" and their big machines of bubbling fresh lemonade that my mom would never let us have.  For a reason lost on me, the biggest thing I can remember is the smell of a cafe just inside one of the entrances.  Sometimes my mom would take me inside and we'd get hot chocolate and a donut, and the smell of that place permeated the majority of the mall.  I don't know why that's what I remember, but if I close my eyes and focus I can recall exactly what the aroma was like.  I guess the mall closed a few years ago and I won't get to experience that ever again, but I can hold on to it as long as I'd like.

3.) In the second house I ever lived in (our first two-story home) I remember spending a day building a fort in my bedroom.  Sheets from the foot of the bed to a couple chairs, pillows for walls, etc. etc.  My dad was the kind of dad that left for work at 5 am every morning and came home in time for dinner at 6 pm every evening, and we were supposed to leave him alone after that so he could unwind.  I remember this day in particular because after dinner I went outside and was playing with my big brother Josh.  I was probably 8 and he would be about 15.  For some reason, I thought it'd be a good idea to bounce up and down on the front bumper of my dad's car.

Something like this.

It wasn't some luxurious car, we never had one of those, but it was a company car.  I don't remember the exact make and model but it was some kind of gray town-car looking thinking.  Maybe an Oldsmobile, I dunno, but I was bouncing on that front bumper all the same.  And at some point, I bounced in juuuuuust the wrong way and tore the license plate off.  I remember staring at my brother in absolute horror and he just said "You should go inside."  I didn't need to be told twice, and I fuckin' BOOKED it up to my fort in my bedroom to hide.

It felt like I hid forever, but then again 30 minutes feels like a lifetime to a kid and that's probably all it was.

Now, I don't know if my brother put the plate back on without saying a word or if he told my father and he himself then had to put the plate back on.  All I know is I never got in trouble for it and the plate was magically fixed.  And really, that's the kind of family we've always been.  Super passive-aggressive.  You didn't get in trouble unless you really cocked up because we just weren't big on confrontation.  And in the end, maybe it wasn't a big deal at all.  I don't know what I was so afraid of, we never really got hit (a couple spanks or swats for swearing, that's about it) but I was sure he was going to rip my pretty blond hair out and then stab my eyes with a fork.

Because that's the most obvious form of punishment.

4.) Speaking of being passive aggressive, a few years ago when one of my friendships bit the proverbial dust, I was told I was the most passive aggressive person she'd ever known.  Your immediate first thought when someone tells you that is "Eat shit and die!  I am NOT passive aggressive!"  But time goes on and some words stick, and eventually you realize that maybe they were right.  I don't think being passive aggressive is necessarily a bad thing, nor always a good thing, but it does have a way of getting me what I want.  Sometimes it's all in the eyes... and how crazy they look (c:

Babydoll and BB Bottoms

5.) The smell of Tresemme hairspray will forever remind me of Halloween 2011 with @markstyleme.  I dressed up as Babydoll from the movie Suckerpunch and it was the first time I ever went as something even remotely "sexy."  I don't look at Halloween as an opportunity to dress like a whore, I look at it as an opportunity to dress up as a character and just have fun, not to be on the prowl to find a prospective date (though I did find a short-lived boyfriend that evening.)

Twinkles!

Those bangs had a lot of hairspray in them to keep 'em off my face, and it was the first time I'd ever used that brand.  Because of it, I will always associate the smell with that night.  It was so much fun and it was an evening that involved me wiping out on my ass in the middle of the street (thanks a lot, spinning high-kicks (and Malibu (...and Mary Jane heels.)))

Paparazzi and me without a stitch of makeup?

6.) Speaking of drag, the first time I ever did it reveals how my skill changed over the years.  The above was in 2006 when I went to Chicago to spend Halloween with my friend Kyle and his roommates.  @markstyleme was SUPPOSED to come, he was going to be the Nicole Richie to my Paris Hilton, but he backed out and I'd already purchased the stuff.  The shirt was from Express, the wig was $10 from a costume store, and the skirt was a t-shirt I cut the top off of and then tucked into my underwear; a far cry from the handmade Babydoll costume.  It was also the first time I ever wore heels.

Velma Kelly and Paris

I've got to say, it was an absolute blast.  I clearly had no idea what I was doing with the makeup and covered myself completely in bronzer as a result (though I got away with it when I said I was Paris Hilton because then people "got it.")  I marched around in those heels for the entire night, making myself 6'7", and knew it'd be something I'd do for almost every Halloween after.  I was nervous to do drag but in the end the fun aspect of it took over.  I'd never do it as a profession, I hate shaving with a razor, but for once a year it's not bad.  And it turns a lot of heads, hahaha.

7.) Sometimes when I drive over bridges at night, I wonder what I would do if the bridge collapsed beneath me and I survived the fall.  Is that weird?  I dunno.  I always figure I'd smash the window open (with what, I have no clue (a heel if it was Halloween...)) and then swim to shore with an AMAZING story to tell.  I also hope this never actually happens to me.

8.) I get really annoyed when people use too many exclamation points.  You know what I mean, right!?!?!?!?  One of them is sufficient enough, two of them if used sparingly and ONLY when you're super excited, but when you hit three you've lost me and I think you just let your fat finger sit on the button for too long.

9.) THAT being said, wanna know the most overused punctuation of all?  The ellipsis (this puppy "...".)  I feel like I am going to have a seizure when people say something to me OR anyone else, and end their statement with an ellipsis when it should just be a period or question mark.  For example:

"Happy Birthday..."

"What are you doing later..."

"I had such a good time last night..."

An ellipsis denotes you have more to say... I hope everyone knows that.  And when I say those words, I know it's foolish because clearly everyone does NOT know.  When I see comments like those above, I automatically fill in the rest.

"Happy Birthday... grandma died."

"What are you doing later... I already have plans but I'm curious."

"I had such a good time last night... oh and by the way, I have crabs.  Sorry 'bout it."

Party of the Summer (2006)

10.) The girl in the picture above is Selena, but I coined the nickname Cha-Cha for her a really long time ago and it just stuck (eventually we mostly called her Chach.)  She's not dead or anything morbid, she moved away to Florida about four years ago and we eventually fell out of touch.  Chach was one of those people that brought out the life in you.  She was fun, carefree, and while being so she was also the most caring.  I called her once on Valentine's Day years and years ago and left her a nice voicemail.  I'll tell anyone how I don't ever remember anything that comes out of my mouth in the moment because I don't have a filter and rarely think about things when I'm trying to be funny.  I just say them.  Whatever I said must have been incredibly nice because she kept that voicemail for years after and told me she'd listen to it whenever she needed a pick-me-up.  It always made me feel good about myself when she would tell me that because it reminded me I wasn't that shitty of a person.

New Years Eve

One of my favorite memories with Chach was in the summer of 2005. She had a roommate named Doug (Dougie) and we just liiiiiiived to give him shit.  It was always in a fun way, never to be mean, but regardless.  We did it.  One time we'd gone for a long night-walk and when we got back to her house, we walked up the driveway and looked through the window into the living room.  Dougie was passed out on the couch with the TV on.  Naturally we started giggling like a couple of little girls and whispering stuff through the window, trying to wake him up.  So Dougie starts rolling around and looks up, trying to see where it's coming from (and probably knowing it was us through the giggles.)  Then Chach says "Oh my gosh, Seanny, look."  I turn my head and not five inches away from my face is a spider the size of a golf-ball.

I screamed so loud and for so long that it's a wonder the police didn't show up thinking a woman had been murdered.

SO...

That's the end of the first blog of random truths.  Thoughts?  Questions?  What do you want to see in here?  Strike back on my page ( here ) and let me know!  Is there a favorite memory you have of us?  A story I've told a million times that never really gets old?  Something you've always wanted to know?  Do you want me to tell a story each time through video?  Let me know; these are for you guys and not really for me.  Just something fun and light-hearted, especially for days like today in mid-April when it snows a fews inches and we collectively want to throw our hands up and say "fuck it."

Ciao for now (c: