the september update

I came home from work tonight and realized "Ahh, shitballs!  It's the end of the month!"  And you know what?  Finally.

Fiiiiiinally.

That's not a complaint, mind you.  Just an overexaggerated sigh of relief the "summer" months are finally over and we can collectively slip into the wonderful season of fall.  Or Autumn, if you prefer.  Whatevs.  I always feel like September is the final draw of breath before plunging into the cold but this year it was really just a "hold your (own) breath and count to three" until fall because for some reason, this year more than any other, I've just been dying for it to get here.

And that comes along with the knowledge that September was a pretty decent month.  Not outstanding, mind you, but pretty decent.  It did get a smidgen annoying at parts though, like the heat rising into the low 90's for a few days and then slipping back into the fifties, only to rise back up to the 80's once more.  I thought I'd be done running my airconditioner but NOPE, that'd just be wishful thinking.  With the trend of each week getting cooler and cooler it turns into more of a waiting game than anything else, all the while knowing it is just about spent.  Of course, tomorrow is supposed to be in the 80's so there's that I guess.

I'm beginning to realize I make the seasons sound like they are actually "people" dying.  Obviously that's accurate...

As I've been trending with these "updates," of course I didn't prepare anything outstanding to share tonight with my growing fanbase.  And yes, I rolled my eyes as I typed "fanbase."  Just a fact.  I got home from work and after realizing what I needed to write, I decided to clean out my car instead because, y'know, procrastination pays off right now.  I may currently be a brunette but that blond in me is REALLY dying hard.

Hey something shiny!

A big part of this month was spent focusing on my third book.  I wrote it last year and edited it/completed it all before mid July.  Having spent so much time away from it, I've got to admit it's been an absolute joy going through it with this editing process.  I know what the bulk of the story is but coming back with fresh eyes is always a great thing because you not only see so many awful errors, but you see so many more amazing ideas you put in and didn't fully hash out.  It really is like coming into a freshly built room with newly painted trim and brand new floors and all you have to do is paint the walls.  Add some color, add some intrigue, and you're off and running toward the next great thing.  And that's never a bad thing!

Then there was of course the construction of the 2013 Halloween costume, and lemme tell you what a bitch/joy it has been.  I'm working hard this year to do it on my own as much as I can without the assistance of my mother.  Mostly just to see if I can, but also because I don't need her to make me a dress.  Or a gown... or a skirt... or a corset.  Because, drumroll please... I will be a man this year!

SURPRISE!

Yes, yes, for the first time since I started doing drag back in 2005 I will be a male character this year.  I can't tell you how excited I am!  I won't need to worry about a wig or heels or anything!  Not even makeup!  Ok, maybe a smidgen of makeup but you get the point.  I won't go into very much detail on the costume because that'll be best suited to the October update.  Besides, I'm sure you can figure out who I'm going to be based on the picture below.  But if you can't, just know that you are dumb as shit.  And yeah, I said it.

I spent a lot of time this month hanging out with Miss T and enjoying our dinner/movie dates.  It's funny how you start looking forward to things as simple as that but when it is with a person who is not a part of your everyday life, it becomes a brief escape into something super easy and of course, super fun.

The other day was Octoberfest (or is it Oktoberfest with a K (who cares (I just don't know the difference (I'm kinda dumb... with a hard K that time))) and I got to spend it with two of my bests and a slew of other people I enjoy my time with almost as much.  We had a little pre-bar (pre-fest?) at 9 am in the morning, complete with PBR's and homemade pretzels.  Around noon we ventured downtown to the hustle and bustle and shortly split up.  @klreynol and I strolled up and down through the crowd, looking at people and commenting on what we saw (that's always a favorite pastime of mine.)  The beers were good, the food was great.  It was a better day in some ways than last year because we weren't downtown at 9 am until 5 in the afternoon (noone to 4 instead.)  I was a wreck by the end of THAT one!

And besides, last year I kept having to film for the video project and after a while it was bugging me.  Harumph.

You can see above I've ditched the blond in my hair (same with @klreynol) in favor of some darker tones, all in the name of Halloween approaching and me needing to fit a specific profile.  It'll be darker the week before the big event because it has some blondish/red coming through, but that's ok for now.  And all that (above) being said, I'm shocked I got this thing written so fast.  Maybe procrastination DOES pay off later as well!  I should coin that on something, like a magnet or a shirt.  "Procrastinate now; it keeps paying off."

Currently I'm eating potato salad out of a big container as I proof-read and edit this.  Don't judge me.

So what else happened in September?  Rode in a limo with a bunch of awesome chicks and @markstyleme, discovered an AMAZING drink called a Black Cap, and went to the worst drag show I've ever seen.  Decorated for Halloween on the 17th because why not, won employee of the month for August in the entire district at work, and started (and finished) The Vampire Diaries.  Started watching Breaking Bad as well, made my mom's recipe for potato salad (referenced above,) ate a Tiger Paw for the first time in my life and finally @klreynol came back to work today after a summer off with baby Noah.

This potato salad is giving me the worst breath ever.  Toodles gang!

letting go of a layer

So I have this bracelet.  You see it above.  Currently I see it on my left wrist, because that's where it has been for the last 7.75 years.  We begin with a story.

In february of 2006 I was working quite happily at Express in the Fox River Mall.  We were in the midst of a large floorset because that was what I LIVED for back then.  Changing the store around, new product being displayed, new displays going up, etc. etc.  The big project of the night was back in the denim room and it involved taking these fairly heavy plastic leg-forms for womens and hanging them from the ceiling.

First you had to concoct this fishing-line tether of sorts just to suspend them with, but then you had to cover that with red nylon rope.  They sent a whole spool of it to us and it was the first time I'd ever learned to tie a noose.  Not that I've learned how to re-tie one since... and not that I even remember how to.  Just saying.  But after trying to figure that out for a few hours I ended up with a short length of the rope left over and decided to knot the end of it and loop it over my wrist a few times.  And it stayed.

That's the story of how I came to wear the red bracelet on my left wrist for so long.  It's not super exciting and it doesn't have a significant meaning, it's just something I put on and thought it looked cool.  Decided it'd be "me."

Who all has ever noticed it?  Let's take a look back in pictures, shall we?  WE SHALL!

You get the point, I'm sure.  It seems like it's been a lot longer than what pictures show but I guess that is more to do with the things I've experienced and less with the actual amount of time to have passed.  The first month or two of wearing the bracelet I felt kind of dumb, admittedly.  I've never been much of a jewelry person and if I ever had a piece of jewelry (like a necklace, wrist cuff, etc.) it was fairly short lived.  You see the ring on my finger in a lot of these and that's about where the jewelry begins and ends.

The bracelet was different though.  Mostly because I could never actually feel it when it was on, but also because it was a pop of color and I thought it looked cool.

Cool enough, as it were.

The first journey it took with me was when I went to Florida on a road trip with Jill.  I left it on the entire time, not really minding when it was wet and kind of annoying me.  I just forgot it was there and in a way that's how life has continued.  Since then, I take it off if I'm getting wet (as I said, it annoys me otherwise.)  I started looking at the bracelet as a good luck charm eventually and because I'm superstitious, I would panic if I left the house without it in the morning.  No car-wrecks, speeding tickets or shootings (pfft) while I was wearing it and I was gonna KEEP it that way, damnit!

It survived good relationships with me.  It survived some bad ones too.  It survived an awful breakup, several relocations, and of course a few weddings and births.  Eventually I wrote it into my second book, giving it to one of my girls (Bryna) and attaching to it a sort of hidden meaning that won't immediately become apparent.  Best not to give it all away at once, y'know?  The point I'm trying to make is that over time this thing has become much more than just a piece of rope.  In several ways it has become me.  A trademark OF me.

Over the years, however, it began to fray.  The once vibrant red (see me holding my boobs way up top) eventually became more of a grayish red (see me holding baby Noah at the bottom.)  It started stretching out, and within the last year, one end of the rope snapped near the knot and I realized it was really just an outer layer of nylon over a much thinner inner layer.  I'd walk around work playing with it, sliding it up and down said inner piece, slightly worried it was all going to fall apart and I'd be without it.

And then it kind of did.

I reconnected with Scout in August and we spent an afternoon having coffee and catching up; all that good stuff.  I had taken the bracelet off and was spinning it around in my hands (as I do when I'm a little nervous) and suddenly realized the other end by the knot had snapped as well.  So I've got this, like... shell around the bracelet.  And immediately I'm impressed at the inner core because it's red and I'm shallow.

Not red like the bracelet originally was, but this kind of mottled red/purple color.

For the first time in 7.75 years (or 7 year and 9 months if you can't figure it out (like I did... because I'm a loser (and single (my cats love me though)))) I untied the knot holding it together.  And I tugged off the loose ends of the rope, dragged the loose bulk of it off, and retied it.  And it struck me.

When I started wearing the bracelet I had just fallen into the swing of things at my first REAL full-time job at Express.  I was barely 20 years old, a whiner, inexperienced at relationships and in massive credit card debt.  It saw me through the biggest changes of my life I'll probably go through (but who knows) and has taken the ride with me up until now.  Since I love attaching meaning to everything I do, here's the meaning I attached to it:

Taking off the faded, frayed outer shell of the bracelet revealed a leaner, stronger core.  After the Golden year and getting back to my basics, that's what I did to myself as well.  I sloughed off the shitty parts, decided what was important, and moved on.  Leaner, meaner (not really, but I wanted to say it anyway) and stronger.  Like the bracelet that is part of my "look," we match once again.

Hopefully I'll get another 7+ years out of it but maybe I won't.  I have several more lengths of the exact same rope in a special place because I've always thought if I ever LOST it, or it was ever too damaged to keep wearing, I'd just put a new one on.  Maybe I won't now.  It becomes the sort of thing that is irreplaceable, like a child (obviously not really the same thing.)  You get the feeling.  Just because you CAN replace something so important to you doesn't necessarily mean you should.

I apologize if this wasn't a good blog, lol.  But it was something I've had in my head for over a month and I had to just get it out.  I'm sure something better will pop up soon.

Maybe I'll be naked in it.

Not sure how that would be better.

Ciao (c;

the august update

I always think of August as the month that begins and ends in the blink of an eye.  It has always been the transition month of "well it's still summer technically but it's also kind of fall already technically... so we're at an impasse."  Imagine I said "impasse" with a French accent.  Because I did.  This transition feeling is compounded by the fact I work retail and in the world of retail, life moves at the speed of light.  By mid June we were getting autumn decorations and next week we will already be setting a floorset with our Halloween merchandise a full two months early.  All this of course due to the beginning of October meaning the start of "Holiday" and that's a just a joy all around!

Yup.

All in all August was good to me, I can't complain.  I could complain but no one would listen anyway so I shan't.  Overall it was hot.  Hot hot hot.  How hot?  Hot.  I ran my air conditioner almost every day and for me that's something.  Of course I didn't run it during the few days the power was out due to the quintuplet tornados at the beginning of the month but you get the picture.

Right after the tornados spun through (pun intended) things started falling back into place for me in a weird way.  I had somewhat of a panic attack early this month and freaked out for a few days.  I kept myself pretty collected at work but when I would get home it just got... uggs.  With the crying and the whining and the yadda yadda.  I think subconsciously I started putting myself back into the "victim" role in life, and we should all know by now I'm not a big fan of being the victim.  I started feeling alone... in this all by myself... depressed... and I felt it was ironic because the photo shoot I did back in May for the Women's Fund in Oshkosh was about ladies feeling alone.  Men too, I suppose.

Harumph.

Having mentioned said shoot, they finally put my pretty face on the Facebook page.  I'm a celebrity ::tosses hair:: and I don't know why the OTHER who was there that day isn't shown.  Guess they chose the best  ::tosses hair again and stumbles::  Whatevs.

I had to start putting myself back into the shoes I filled in 2012.  Namely in the lessons learned.  It was difficult for me last year to reach out to so many people and attempt to get together so many times.  I'm a fairly introverted person and I usually aquiesce when I'm invited somewhere, not the other way around.  That sounds awkward... I'm never the planner, just the invitee?  That's a little better.  But I discovered being the planner puts you in control of the situation and your happiness, and I was really happy last year.  Funny how quickly you abandon the things that make you happy, right?  So I turned it around (always getting better at that) and just took it into my own hands.

I reconnected with Scout.  After our parting of ways June 1st I hadn't seen him (only texted him once, yay me!) or heard from him since and decided that because it ended amicably and no one was at fault, there was no reason we couldn't be friends.  We met for coffee and had a great day.  Three hours talking (found out his mother stalked my blogs for a while (hello if you're reading this now and please stop following me because I know you hate me.)) Something happened to my red bracelet when we were at coffee (I'm working on a blog for that, stay tuned) that also helped with my mindset.  After coffee we parted for a bit but then went out for a couple drinks and a movie at the cheap seats that evening.  It was amazing being able to slide back in to how things were at one point and not worry about "who was thinking what" and "why they were thinking it when."  We just hung out like two dudes.

Can't believe I said that.

After that jaunt I made a conscious effort to start branching out of my social network a bit.  I went to the farmer's market one saturday with a friend named Tina, now referred to as Miss T, and had a blast.  Miss T and I met through one of my former bests and have hung out a couple times alone over the years but never really made the effort to keep it up.  Well it's a new chapter kids because we've now hung out three times!  In two weeks!  That's a record and one I'm going to keep breaking.  I need to be better about reaching out to the people I enjoy and making the effort to actually see them on a normal basis.

It's not rocket science, despite how hard I make it out to be.  Things should be as simple as "hey, I enjoy talking to you and always have a blast when we get together so let's do this all the time!"  They SHOULDN'T be "hey, I enjoy talking to you and always have a blast when we get together so I'll see you in a couple months!"  So dumb.  So me.

Finally the last big notable thing I did this month was pop-it and lock-it on a new headboard.  I bought my bed with that dumb whore I used to date and while I initially loved it, I think said adoration lasted a couple months and then it turned into "nothing special" and eventually just a reminder of something I'd failed at (a relationship, obvs.)  I was poking around Pinterest and came across a reclaimed wood headboard someone had put up that they made out of old barn wood.  Seeing as I don't have access to old barn wood I had to look up a way to stain/distress wood to make it look reclaimed.  And find a way I did!

After a quick (not quick) and normal (never normal with @markstyleme) trip to Home Depot, I walked away with my supplies for a price of about $60.  One can of ebony stain, one can of dark walnut stain, one can of polyurethane, three cheap paint brushes, and twenty 1"x4"x8' cheap pine boards.  In the end the actual project took about twelve hours of physical labor but I am so pleased with the results.  After laying the boards out (top left pic (below)) I sanded them all down, especially the corners to soften them up.  Then I beat the fuck out of them (top right) so get all of the knicks/scratches/scrapes/bangs I could that you would find in an oldoldold floor.  I had to work the next day so the following I was able to start the staining process (middle-left and center.)  You can see how despite using just two stains, almost none of the boards look alike.  And it was quick!  I think it took a total of two hours to stain all 23 slats of wood in the various methods I adopted.

I was so pleased with the staining process in fact that when I started the polyurethane I panicked because I didn't like how it looked.  As I went along though and painted more of it on I absolutely fell in love with what I was creating and I couldn't wait to install it the next day.  The installation went easily but slowly.  Being an army of one (my preference, because then I can be even more proud of my work) I had to figure this bitch out on my own but I had a blast doing it.  I listened to some good tunes, drank some good lemonade, and chatted plenty with my cats while drilling right into that headboard of the past.  You can kind of see the stack of movies I used to make sure they all started at the same height.  What a genius I am!

So there it is, my first homemade piece of furniture.  It immediately got me to thinking about what I would want to do next in terms of furniture because I am so excited to just keep going.  And if I keep up with the inspiration, I think I'll start taking orders.  And who knows... maybe I'll actually start accepting orders for my paintings, too.  Never too late to take on a new venture, right?

I'm sorry I don't have a better message/theme this month.  Like I started this thing with, August is just that weird transition month.  It is what it is, gets you from summer to fall, and I suppose that's what this blog did.  Pretty soon I'll post about what happened to my bracelet and then we can all gossip and chat about how exciting it was.

Or wasn't.

So what else happened in August?  Went to Noah's Ark for a SECOND time this year, saw a friend get busted in the face by his iPhone, and survived five tornados (I'll never stop saying that, either.)  Got super excited for the next Fast and Furious movies after what the 6th one revealed at the end, decided I like apple ales, and finally started losing weight again.  Held hands (more than once) with a new boy, officially decided on my Halloween 2013 costume (you're gonna shit,) and bought tickets to see the Naked and Famous in concert this October in Chicago.

Oh, and I grew a beard.  Much to the chagrin of some, and of course to the adoration of others.

Toodles!

just a little power

Dr. Grant: "Their radio is out too: Gennarro said to stay put."
       Ian Malcolm: "The kids OK?"
Dr. Grant: "I didn't ask, why wouldn't they be?"
       Ian Malcolm: "Kids get scared."
Dr. Grant: "What's to be scared about?  It's just a little hiccup in the power is all--"
       Ian Malcolm: "I didn't say I was scared.
Dr. Grant: "...I didn't say you were scared."
       Ian Malcolm: "I know."

I think it's only natural for me being such a huge fan of Jurassic Park to immediately recall lines from it during rain storms.  Or thunder storms.  Lightning storms?  Let's settle for tornado storms because hell, that's what it ended up being.  It took the news 24 hours to decide it was two tornados, and then a day later to settle on five.  And granted four of them were EF 1's on the Fujita scale ::pushes up nerd glasses:: one of them was an EF 2 and that's a little more substantial.  The damage they did was certainly substantial and caused Grand Chute to declare a state of emergency.

I woke up randomly Tuesday night in a weird panic (I hardly if ever wake up during storms.)  I could hear the wind and the rain on the side of the building and then the door to the office SLAMMED shut.  I jumped out of bed and hurried in there because the window was open and already my chair and the carpet a few feet in from the window were drenched.  Got the window shut (noted the CRAZY lightning) and then hurried to the living room to shut the door to my balcony.  Almost as soon as I shut it the power went out; it surged back on for a second and then it was out again.

The lightning wasn't stopping for even a split second and it illuminated the rain blowing sideways.  Not at an angle, totally sideways.  I should have believed Forrest Gump when he said he saw the same over in Vietnam.  Right away I was bummed that I had chosen to park outside but that came second to the fact that my metal chairs were skidding across the balcony and slamming against the railing like they were on puppet strings.  I wanted to go out and grab them but I was still so disoriented from waking up the way I did that I just stayed inside, hoping they wouldn't fling OVER the railing and slam through the windshield of someone's car.

That'd be a whoopsie.

Now, I'm not one to be afraid during storms.  I never have been (save for once or twice as a child I'm sure.)  I would be the first one at the window to watch and the last one to come in from riding bikes when the sky turned green to signify a tornado was possible.  I love them; the bigger the storm the better.  However, me now living alone with a storm that seemed just a little more powerful than most before it... that's different.  And scary.  Most of it was probably due to the power being out and me being a little disoriented, but hearing the building groan around me was a pretty sobering thing.  Almost (but not quite) to the point where I wanted to grab the cats and hunker down in the bathroom.

When I went to lay down again I looked at my phone and it was about 12:48; I'd only been asleep for an hour.  Went to sleep, woke up another hour later to all of the fire alarms in the building going off but also to the rain having stopped.  And my closet door was open.

Closed before... and now open.  That creeped the shit out of me.  I managed to turn my fire alarm off and eventually went into the hall with my hunky upstairs neighbor (he was shirtless (I didn't need the lights to see that (hubba hubba!)))  We couldn't get the alarm to turn off though and eventually maintenance showed up to do it for us.  The next day was a big visit at work so I woke up early to get that over with and then in the afternoon toured the devastation around town.  Almost 80,000 people without power, the Northland Mall roof heavily damaged, and several city blocks of Richmond Street with the power poles broken in half (see video below.)  There were tree stumps 20 feet tall that looked like they'd been snapped like twigs.  Houses crushed under huge Maple trees.  And people, everywhere you looked, already cutting fallen trees up and getting on with their lives.


I love storms like this.  Not for the fact that it ruins some people's lives and especially not because of any lives lost (allegedly only one life was lost due to the weather) but because it ends up forming a sense of community.  People come together, and maybe it's not to help each other, but it is to talk about something.  Something that we all have in common, and it's kind of nice that way.  Luckily there was no building damage here, but when I went to the dumpster last night with the (small) amount of my food that had spoiled in the powerless fridge, I was surprised to see the huge amount of food already in the trash.  So everyone loses something in some way I suppose.

I had called my energy company and they said the power could potentially be out until Saturday evening (almost four days.)  Realizing there was no reason to be upset about it, and I really wasn't, I just said "okay, thank you" and hung up.  Things are what they are and seeing the hundreds of WE Energies trucks all over the place made me feel like they were doing what they could.  Not like there was a shortage of shit for them to clean up and fix.  I went to the movies by myself last night and when the show was over it was close to 11:30.

The streets were mostly empty, save for a few cars.  With no power on most of the north side of town, there was so much blackness.  The highway was shut down due to the roofs of storage units having wrapped themselves around roadside power lines so I took the city streets, but not the main ones because they too were closed.  Driving in the pitch black down streets lined with fallen trees and smashed playsets just harkens to the visuals of a zombie apocalypse or whatever people with over imaginative minds like mine come up with.  Of course my building was still blacked out when I got home and once the headlights from the car were off I was surrounded in black as well.  There was something peaceful about it.

Creepy, but peaceful.

I think you start to take for granted what technology provides for you on a daily basis.  I know I do.  I need the light on and iPad playing when I'm in the bathroom, I can't sleep without the fan on me, and I've got to have my phone charging in the cradle all night so that it also acts as a clock for me.  I'll spend hours on the computer daily, writing or surfing the internet or listening to music, blah blah.  In a way it's nicer when none of that works anymore and you're forced to resort to alternate means of keeping yourself entertained.  For example, I finally started re-reading the Harry Potter books.  I'd been planning on doing it for months and hadn't had a reason to, so there it is.

But with today came a new day and when I got home from work this evening the power was still off as I expected.  Just another day of living an adventure I suppose.  I came upstairs, walked in, and locked the door behind me.  Then I heard the "surge" sound of something huge powering up and all of a sudden my ceiling fan started twisting to life.  In a way it was sad that the little excursion of "roughing it" was done, but at the same time I've never been so happy to stand in a hot shower.

Aside from all that, business resumes as usual.  Look for my owl!  I wish 2:06 actually happened to me today, though...  minus the arm thing.

Ciao kids (c;

the old becomes dust

Did you know MySpace officially launched in August of 2003?  I can't even believe it myself that it was 10 years ago this month; I was about to enter my Senior year of high school and thus... I had no idea what it was.  I didn't even know what it was by the time I graduated because back in those days I was still rocking a Nokia 3585i.

The fact that the screen was in color was enough to get me thrilled.  No photo capabilities, no texting, just a cell phone.

I think maybe by the next fall I started hearing more about MySpace because of college (it's weird to write I was in college... hmph) and this new term of "social networking" that had sprouted up from nowhere.  In early spring of 2005 I decided to create an account though I do recall there was very little to do.  I didn't have many friends on the site yet and it was hard to work visiting it into a routine at that point.

the very first profile picture ever (yes, eeevvveeerrr)

The most I did online back in those days was check my daily movie websites for news and then my e-mail (on AOL of course (and not AOL.com, it was the bonafide America Online that was it's own special program on the computer.))  That summer MySpace was purchased by News Corporation and then it really became a "thing" and I ended up turning into a rabid fan.  People could write on my wall!  They could see how I ranked my top friends!  I could fill out nifty little questionnaires and post the answers FOR EVERYONE TO SEE!

There was one other thing, too... something called a blog.

I'd heard the term of a blog before and probably thought it was a fancy acronym for something, kinda like "lol."  At that time I had never (faithfully) kept a journal, I just had my books I'd written.  I finished writing the first draft of my second novel during that summer and when it was done I thought I'd take a stab at one of these "blogs."

I was hooked right away.  I don't know if it was the fact I could write about whatever I wanted and do the provocative thing in letting the world read it, or the fact that people were ACTUALLY reading it.  You could track pageviews even then and I generally only would get a dozen or so per blog, but it was exciting.  Now I get excited for every hundred I cross but... with age comes beauty I suppose.  That doesn't make sense but I wrote it anyway.

I would write blogs randomly but at times it would be once a week for several weeks in a row.  Maybe a couple in a week.  There would be some that were just surveys I was answering ("What's Your Dream Guy?" "Everything About You in 200 Questions!") or some when I was venting about my parents or certain friends (who weren't tech savvy to MySpace yet (and never were.))  I would write about the funny things that happened during the day or an update on my life at work.  There were stories about my first love, Joe, and the adventures I took with random people I could no longer name if I even tried.  Bad dates, great trips, and even once or twice my broken heart.

The point was that I was writing outside of my books and enjoying it.

Some of the best things I ever wrote were on MySpace... experiences immortalized in my words and locked away for safe keeping.  Looking back on it I was freer to say whatever was on my mind because there were no consequences for it.  I could bitch and whine about anyone and everyone due to the chances of them stumbling upon it were always slim to none.  And I bitched a lot.  I bitched about anything and everything because that was the thing to do.  The naive nature of social media at that point wasn't "once it's out there, it's out there for good," it was "do what ya want!  Go NUTS! No one will see this anyway!  Waddya mean it's saved forever!?"

Eventually I did stop writing blogs, capping them off somewhere north of the 100 mark back in 2009, right when I moved out of my parent's house.  That was when I stopped using MySpace as well because by that point I'd gotten more involved with the entity we call Facebook and everything it entails.

Namely being relevant.

A couple years passed and I don't think for a hot second I missed writing blogs.  I had things to do in my life, eventually a cheater to keep an eye on, and thus no time for whining about how hard or how good things were.  I always intended to (and told people I would) go back to MySpace and print off all of my blogs.  Three-hole-punch them and stick 'em in a binder for the days I needed a good laugh!  Last year I logged in to skim through some of them and revel in the past, just because I could.  MySpace had updated itself with a new look, one that incidentally didn't catch on, but I figured I could take my time still.  It'd be easy to copy and paste each blog into a Word document and save it to a folder but I was probably in a hurry or feeling too busy to be bothered.

Flashing forward to today, I was thinking while I was at work about how little drama I have in my life.  Nothing really bad has happened lately (knock on wood,) I haven't had any huge fights or breakups or anything of the sort.  It got me to thinking about the old blogs and how dramatic I USED to be (capitalized for dramatic effect) and that maybe I should go home and finally save them.  After all, they had meant so much to me at one point, much like these blogs do now, and it was important I document them.

MySpace, however, went through another redesign.  And incidentally all 100+ blogs I (and anyone else) ever wrote are gone.  There was no warning they were getting rid of them, no announcement of "hey, your words/ideas/laughs/tears/whatever are getting the boot."  It's just gone.  A quick google search indicates they are not completely deleted and some day MAY return, but that some day isn't now.  It might not, and probably won't, be ever.

And it makes me so sad.

I know the past is in the past and looking back on it means you're trying to hold onto something already gone, but I don't think it's ever bad to remind yourself.  Remind yourself of where you've been, where you're still going, and maybe how much it took for you to get there/here.  Having the option taken away is something else entirely and it makes me feel that ugly feeling I rarely indulge in.  Regret.

I know they haven't been read in years, even if you count my perusal.  I know they were just sitting idly in the corner of the internet, hidden by shadow and waiting to be discovered once more.  But now they aren't words, and worse they aren't even old words.  They're just dust.  There are a million shoulda-woulda-couldas that come to mind with these ordeals but in the end I have to sigh and try to let go.  "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live," as Albus Dumbledore so eloquently said.  Things are what they are.

Besides, still no one likes MySpace even AFTER a third "rebirth" so they can just sit and spin for all I care.  Fuckers.

the july update

I was bad this month.  Whoopsie.  I had like... two paragraphs written for a blog on the 4th of July and when it came to be a week later, the point in posting "an independent day" didn't really hold the same oomph as I'd have liked.  But that's neither here nor there.

So hi!

I love July and I hate it.  All at the same time and for varying reasons.  I love that it's the hottest month of the year (and I hate that it's the hottest month of the year.)  It means summer is in high-swing and also means summer is getting that much closer to being over.  Fireworks (yay!) and mosquitos (boo!) but fun trips down the river are abound (triple yay!)  This July I was only able to go down the river once but hopefully I can get a couple more trips in during August.  Juuuuuust like I would hopefully make more videos...

This July was a good one though, all in all.  It wasn't really great but it really wasn't bad.  No boys to break my heart, plenty of time with friends, a few rough days at work that left me feeling less than pleased and of course more than enough fits of hysterical laughter to balance it out.  I gave a speech a year ago about how we measure time "be it in memories or moments," and I do have to say that lately it's been measured in moments.  Sometimes for me it gets measured in minutes.  There are times when it is measured in seconds.

The seconds are the rough ones.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

The month started with a bang (literally, 4th of July, whoop!)  We made our way up to Crivitz to go tubing down the Peshtigo, first trip of the year and an absolute blast.  A year or two ago we went right after the 4th and it had been a nightmare of people there with us waiting over an hour just to get on the bus to the water.  Surprisingly there was no one around this time.  Well... a family of 3 but they were long gone by the time we got to scootin' down the river.  I always love the trips where I don't have to drive because it means I don't have to stay sober.  And while I'm not a big drinker, it's nice to cut loose every now and then.

Usually it just results in me being really groggy and bouts of silliness that can either a) amuse or b) annoy.  Whichever, really.

Fireworks were in Neenah for me this year, abandoning the usual Jefferson Park in Menasha (which you can see going on middle/right of each picture.)  There's something about fireworks on the 4th that seal the deal for me and if I can help it, I'll never miss them.  @markstyleme joined that night with @joleneelizabeth and he asked why I liked the 4th so much.  It actually got me thinking while the show was going on.  We always went to fireworks when I was a kid.  My hometown, Redlands, did this big parade and celebration in one of the city parks and I think it always stuck with me as a day to celebrate.

But not the year I ran home after fireworks when I was ten because I felt sick and ended up literally shitting my pants on the front porch.

True story.

I suppose it boils down to the fact that most holidays throughout the year don't really bear such visual enthusiasm (save for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas) and Independence Day sets that in motion.  Sure you have Valentine's Day (barf) and Easter (blah blah) but this one puts the rest of the year on track and lets you get into the spirit.  There are worse things to do than celebrate your nation's independence.  I'm not about to go streaking with the American flag billowing from my butt but you know what I'm saying.  Any holiday that gets me feeling nostalgic is A-okay by me!

On the 18th I flew off to Austin to visit family.  It had been almost two years since I'd been there and back in June I made the spur of the moment decision I wanted to go.  As always, it was a great trip and I was, once again, sad to see it end.  Mostly because the return from a destination vacation (as opposed to a "staycation") means you are that much closer to going back to work.  But making the best of my time is what I'm good at and it made me stop counting the seconds, even if for a little while.

The above pic was the first night I was there and taken at a place called Hula Hut.  Freak windstorm picked up and was blowing shit all over the place (chips, menus, and even drinks) but it was still fun.  I find the older I get the more I am starting to look like my big brother Josh... and a dark destiny unfolds.

Sorry Joshua.

We did a bunch of new things on this visit compared to those in the past.  We went to a great place called Hamilton Pool (Google it) for some swimming, ran around Town Lake (though I guess it's technically "Lady Bird Lake" now?) and of course indulged in copious amounts of food and treats (Austin looooooves food.)  The best part of the trip was going to the Alamo Drafthouse (seriously the coolest movie theater I've ever been to) for Master Pancake.  If you've never heard of it it's basically Mystery Science Theater 3000 but LIVE!  The movie they did was ConAir, which is such an incredibly stupid movie anyway, and Josh splurged for balcony seats for us.

That ALONE would be a reason to move Austin.  I mean really, I can't describe how great an experience this theater is.  They serve you a full meal.  You can have whatever drinks you want.  18 years old and up only, lots of swearing in the pre-show, and they cut their own trailers to make fun of people that call and complain about the place?  Sign.  Me.  Up!

There was a lot riding on this visit I'm not going to lie.  The first time I went to Texas to visit my brother I was in the midst of a relationship falling apart at the seams so the last thing on my mind was if I would ever want to live there.  It was June of 2010 and lemme tell you, you haven't experienced heat until you've been to Austin in June.  Yikes.  The second time was a little more than a year later and fell in November.  Gotta say, perfect weather; low 70's, breezy, no humidity.  It reminded me a lot of Southern California and that's never a bad thing.  But I was living with my parents and just getting back on my feet both emotionally and financially and it just wasn't the right time to think about it.

This trip was different.

I'm financially stable and on my feet.  I live on my own now.  I've cut the proverbial umbilical cord to my parents supporting me (which was actually difficult for me.  They make it waaaaay to easy to live with them, lol.  Had they lived closer to town... can't say I wouldn't be living with them still.)  So going to Austin THIS time meant I was going with the idea of "Can I live here?"  It's time to admit (though some may have guessed) I can answer the question with a resounding "yes."  Moving out on my own was really the first step toward figuring out what I actually wanted in life.  And while Wisconsin has been good to me and I can't really complain about my life here... I just want more.  I feel like I need more.  I wouldn't know that until I was on my own and now that I am, it's clear.

The thing I need to realize is there is nothing wrong with feeling that.  There is nothing wrong with trying to pull more from my life, to expect it to be something more than it is.  What holds me back is the guilt I have in leaving people behind and even as I write that, I feel like it sounds as if I'm abandoning said people and I'm not.  But there it is, case in point.  The other day I had to say goodbye to one of the best associates I have ever had.  Her name is Katie.  Getting to know her over the last year has been such a joy for me and the day I flew out for Texas I found out she would be moving back to her home city of Orlando with her husband to begin her teaching career.  I was devastated.  Whenever people that make an impact on me have to move on, I write them a letter.  Usually (always) it's aimed at getting a couple tears, it's just what I do.  This instance really got me to start thinking though about time... and it got me to realize why I've been counting the seconds so much.

I've been waiting for something to happen.  I've been waiting for a sign to show me what I want to do next, to show me how I want to execute things in my life.  Going to Austin showed me where I need to go and now I just need to figure out how to do it.  Will it be next year?  Probably not.  But in the next two years?  Yes.  I feel if I go next year I'll be stretching myself too thin financially, but if I wait more than two I'll never do it.  I shared with Katie in her letter one of my absolute favorite quotes and it is from one of the Lemony Snicket books.

Eventually you just have to stop waiting and start doing.  I can't blame her for moving on and doing what she needs to do because eventually it'll be me.  And there will be people sad when I go (I assume) but that's not right now... which is alright.

Coincidentally it did get me to think about a show from... shit, over a decade ago now.  The CW had a short-lived series in 2002 called "Birds of Prey" that followed the trials and tribulations of the daughter Batman had with Catwoman.  It was a terrible show trying to spin itself to life from the success of Smallville and it failed miserably.  I only watched a few episodes but one had this amazing quote I ended up writing down and using (in a different form) in my first book.  I'll never forget this quote that came on the heels of someone pondering a big decision: "You just have to believe, make the leap, and have faith."

Who's ready to jump?  I know I am (c:

So what else happened in July?  I completed editing the drycopy (printed version) of my second book, lost my favortie sunglasses in the river (thanks @caitcd) and continued my goal of running.  I finally finished decorating my living room, threw my back out pretty severely the day before leaving for Austin, and decided on my next tattoo.  Bought the final four sessions for my laser hair removal, visited an old brothel on an island (no longer a brothel), and of course fell out of my apartment door in front of a neighbor.  Got a little more tan, hopefully a little more thin, kicked a lot of ass selling furniture, and in the end continued on my path to feeling enlightened.

Toodles gang (c:

the june update

June is always a welcome sight for me.  For sore eyes, almost.  I'll probably never stop tying it to the end of the school year and the start of freedom (summer, hey-o!)  I actually had a great deal of trepidation going into June, namely for two reasons: 1) May ended on such a high note and 2) June 1st resulted in a breakup.  Breakups suck, there's no way around that, but I was pretty successful in turning it around and parlaying it into something useful.  And when you can turn away from the negative and embrace the positive, that's never a bad thing.  I guess it could be a bad thing, but not for this guy!

Sometimes I end up getting panicky at this time of the year because with summer being so typically short in Wisconsin if you aren't doing "fun stuff" right away you start feeling like you're missing out on it.  I say "fun stuff" loosely as clearly it just means being outside and enjoying the heat, but you know what I mean.  Last year I had such a list of crap to get done during the summer for "26 Golden Things" that the season was over before I knew it (albeit it was still a fantastic summer.)

But June had poop weather this year for the first couple weeks so it wasn't easy to get out and about from the safety of being in-doors.  I took the weather as a chance to get over the breakup (still don't think I am, but that's alright for now) by getting back to my creativity.  Nothing makes you work harder on a project than trying desperately not to text someone, and that's a fact!

I did decide recently that it's about time for me to start dating again.  Casually, which is a concept I really struggle with.  I've always been the kind of guy where if I like someone, I'll go on a date with them.  If that date goes well, we go on a few more.  If those few more go just fine, then we are in a relationship.  Bing-bang-boom.  Trouble with that is I usually go into the relationship because I feel like I owe it to the person and sometimes (most times) it just doesn't end up working out.  I know the last reason to enter a relationship should be because you feel guilted into it, but that's me.  I won't say it's the charm of me being me, because that shit ain't charming.

So I'm trying this new concept (to me) of casual dating where I go on a couple dates and see if anything clicks.  It's difficult for me because I have a very guilty conscience and I start feeling like I'm being a liar to these people.  Even though I owe them nothing, and nothing is really happening, I still feel it.  Why is that?  Have any of you felt that way?  I guess it boils down to me usually being the one that gets let down by someone else, so when I have to do it it is just a completely foreign concept to me.  There are worse things in the world than that though and I have to remind myself it's okay to try to get to know someone and then decide they aren't what is right for you.  I guess it's tough shit for them?  Sure.

I find that after I write a paragraph I sit back, sigh, and then jump on Facebook for a moment or two.  Just an aside for ya'll.

My friend Jill and I went to the Dells for a couple days two weeks ago, just like we did last year, and again it was pretty amazing.  Last year I was kind of sour over it because right off the bat I broke the screen on my camera and you know how that song and dance goes.  We went to Noah's Ark (America's largest waterpark for those not "in the know") for a day and had an absolute blast.  It was nerve wracking last year to get on the Scorpion's Tail (an inverted watercoaster) but this year we went three or four times because the lines were so short and it was just too much damn fun.  Got a wonderful burn on my shoulders, too.

Oh, AND I got another vlog together!  The idea had been floating in my head for a few weeks and then the ruling on DOMA and Proposition 8 got me to actually sit down and do it.  Amongst other things.  I need to figure out how to make a more exciting intro though because it's kind of a snooze and not very enthralling.  Good things in time!  What's interesting about making these videos though is slipping into character when I need to.. Calvin in particular.  I don't consider myself a very innocent person so it just astounds me to watch myself as him and those sadsadsad eyes when he gets in trouble.  I love it.  I hope you do too.

I need to start taking notes through the month because sitting down to write these at the last minute is a damn nightmare.  I've said it before and I'm sayin' it again!  Thank you so much for continuing to read (as I wrote that, Paolo made this really creepy/weird sigh behind me and it scared me) and for continuing to share the blog.  The views are going up up and away and I have you all to thank for that. So thank you!  Don't stop sharing!  EVER!

So what else happened in June?  I went to my first concert in the park, ate/drank at a gastropub, and had a few long conversations with a guy from the UK.  Realized Bernice has suffered her first serious scrape/scratch to mar her lovely panels, went to the first joint birthday party for my niece and nephew, and bought my very first camcorder.  Sparked conversation with my hunky downstairs neighbor, started biting my nails again, realized if things are too good to be true they probably are, and had my first house guest since moving in (Jill.)  Officially went back to blond (always going back,) started again and ALMOST finished editing my second book, and lastly realized the link to "26 Golden Things" on YouTube is officially active for anyone who wants to watch it.

I don't know why about that last part though... initially YouTube wouldn't post it for the public because of the amount of songs in it and the copyrights, but I guess they changed their tune?  Said video is posted below: watch it, share it, and hopefully like it because it took a long time to make and a lot of you are in it.  Ciao for now (c: