This isn't going to be one of my longer blogs, because in fact I don't have that much to say. I'm kind of sad right now. Not for reasons that are directly influenced by other people, it is mostly because of me. I handle change in a pretty good way, always learning from and then adapting to it. It's a pretty healthy occurrence because it keeps me sane. I will admit however that at times, too much change can feel like a bad thing.
In the last two weeks a lot has been changing for me; financial situations, buying a new car, whatever-the-hell is going on in my love life (still not much,) happiness/annoyance with work, etc. I had been looking forward to the end of April because it was going to bring some fairly massive changes for me. And not changes in a bad way, but more of a "set me free" way. Doesn't look like those are going to be happening now and over the last few days as I started to realize it, something else started happening.
The funny thing about feeling sad (I don't want to say depressed because I think it is too strong of a word,) is how you can see the emotion approaching like a storm over the ocean horizon. Sky is beautiful, birds are singing, but in the distance is this odd sort of haze that is building up. The haze starts to turn into clouds, and you think "Yikes, what the hell is that all about?" And then it starts getting closer and you find yourself slipping into old habits; thinking about an ex, listening to sappier music than normal, emotionally connecting to movies and/or tv shows WAY more than usual. Eventually, that haze and conglomerate of clouds is upon you and you suddenly remember what it is. How it feels. And you simply say "oh."
I knew this feeling of being sad/boo-hooey was coming for a little while now. A lot of shitty things seemed to be rolling down the ramp toward me one after the other and it was reaching a fever pitch the last couple days. I've been really happy for quite some time now and as change has taught me, all good things must come to an end. NOT to say that this is going to last, because it won't, but I know I will wallow in my own self-pity for a few days because of it.
What it all boils down to is this; I went to dinner tonight with @Markstyleme and his wonderful partner, Mr. M, and I suddenly realized that I'm sad because I'm single. Not in the way of me wanting to get back together with the dreaded ex. God no. Watching them tonight I was able to look back on the best parts of my last relationship and I was able to really understand what it was about it that I loved. What I loved was the "ease." The natural ebb and flow that comes with working so well with another person. You move, they move; you breathe in, they breathe out.
I know I'm not depressed because I'm happy for the people around me and don't want them to feel the way I do. I think I also know I'm not depressed because I can freely admit that.
I am over the moon ecstatic for all of my friends and family that are in relationships, because I truly believe they are wonderful things. I also think that sometimes it really sucks not being in one. @klreynol called and left me a voicemail tonight (hey girl) because I was being mopey through text messages. She touched on what I said about being sad that I am single by replying how it is the polar opposite when on the other side of the line. When you are the only one in a relationship while out with a bunch of single friends, you think about how great it would be to be one of them again.
We all know full well that the grass is always greener on the other side. This I know; she does too. And this feeling will pass in quick time, which is why I'm not afraid of it. I find it funny that I used to look forward to the fall season because with it came this odd sort of depression... which back then I welcomed with open arms because it was a comfortable feeling. Now I look at being sad as nothing more than annoyance. I spent a good two years being sad, mostly if not all the time, and I'm ready for this little 'bout to just... you know. Just fuck off.
I'm off to enjoy some icecream and tv. With my cats. Because they love me unconditionally. Holy shit I'm a loser. G'night ya'll.
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