I wonder if there was ever a person who did everything right the first time, never having to learn from a mistake he or she made. Would that person have been wiser in the end to have fucked it up once, or would they have been as equally comfortable from a life of pure confidence? If said confidence is key and we push ourselves daily to strive for excellence... I don't think I know the answer.
Earlier tonight I was talking to @klreynol about things I have learned lately. Chief among them I said I learned to "trust my doubts." She said it should be rephrased as "trust your instincts," and I must agree. It sounds much less mopey and far more optimistic. And I should add that over the last several weeks I was growing increasingly optimistic. It was a nice change of pace... it was a return to form, if you will. I used to be incredibly optimistic; one might say it was almost to a fault.
But things happen and then yadda-yadda, you get cheated on. Optimism seems pointless at that moment in time.
I told the most important people in my life a month ago that there was a big change coming, not necessarily to me but from me. A shift in direction. There was a new wind blowing my sails and the exciting thing about it was that it was guiding me in a direction I felt I could watch with starry eyes. That's the thing about meeting someone new, someone exciting and different from the rest... it inspires change within you.
The most exciting part of that change is what it causes you to do. I had started my "minor" working out with the shake-weight, which I like to poke fun at while insisting it works to the non-believers (fact: it does work. Talk to my biceps (bam-BAM!)) I was randomly doing sit ups as well, but mostly because I felt like I should do something with my abs and they were easy. But then I got a little more serious and went to town; started the ab-roller (guh, holy shit) and followed that by picking up running again. I used to roll my eyes at people who worked out, mostly because I simply didn't understand how they could actually WANT to go to the gym. Funny enough, it's probably because they feel better about themselves when they do it. And wouldn't ya know it? I started feeling better about myself too. The amazing thing actually is that I started looking better too, and seeing any sort of result is worth its obvious weight in gold.
The other change is the ability to start believing in people again. Being lied to for so long and SO successfully didn't do much for me other than to shatter my beliefs that people can be good. Mainly, men I am interested in. So in comes this new guy and it just feels... different. I don't know what other word to use to describe it, he is just different. And for every lie I thought he was whispering, he was in fact not. Either by proving it himself or by me allowing that ugly paranoia to take control and find out for myself. What's funny (not really) is how bad you feel when you THINK someone is lying, only to realize they aren't. Because really, that disappointment you have building up in yourself towards the person when you catch them? Yeah... when you end up being wrong, the only place it can go is to reflect back and smack you in the kisser.
Feeling like a jackass is not a favored quality, but god damnit I own it.
It's actually really hard to write all of this and keep quiet about the main issues at hand, but I have to. I promised myself that I wouldn't air dirty laundry involving my relationship status (if you can even call it that (you can't)) this time, so I'll keep my big mouth shut. Things are what they are and maybe they end up better and maybe they end up worse. I think that's as vague as it gets. Trust me, I hardly know more than you do at this point.
To get back to the beginning of this, it began as a topic of confidence. We all have it to a certain degree, some more than others. As time goes on I learn more about it and adapt myself to thrive on it, but there are still flaws and caveats I deal with. I'm a prime case of someone who starts looking back on the past and analyzing it, almost to the point of exhaustion. With my memory (which, if you know me, is razor-fucking-sharp,) I am able to look at entire conversations I have had and pinpoint a place in said conversations where I should have done something different. If I could go back in time and erase a single line... if I could manifest myself in that past conversation and edit a small blurb with a magic marker, things would probably go better in every way imaginable.
Maybe that's why I write books? Having the ability to dominate and control the outcome of every conversation contained within them gives me the ability to play god in some form. I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I start writing a conversation and realize it is headed down a path that I'm not sure how I'll back out of. Those of you who have read early versions of my manuscripts can attest to that. The fun part is sitting back, looking at the words, and going "Ah, this part right here ::delete::" But in real life it's obviously not that easy. It's actually really hard. And it's made even harder by staring at past words obsessively and figuring out the tiny pin-pricks of dialogue that ended up shaping things out of your favor, if they were ever in it to begin with.
But then... I got on Pinterest tonight, most wonderful of wonderful things, and started perusing my boards. In "Thoughts" I found this gem:
And then I realized I needed to sit back from the situation, relax, and look forward. Because not everything works out the way we want; it wouldn't be fair if it did. Some of us may have more luck than others; some of us may have a better nack at reading a person and turning the "live" conversation in a direction that will only benefit them. Sometimes I'm one of those people... and maybe this time I'm not. And though I am not totally convinced of what I'm about to say... this time I'm okay with it.
Like I said, nothing is finished. To me, nothing is ever finite until I feel I have engraved it in concrete and am satisfied it will stay that way. Like I told @klreynol, I'm not typically one to let sleeping dogs lie. Maybe I am confident after all? We define confidence as belief in oneself and one's powers and abilities. I'm confident in my words, 90% in real-time and 110% in rear-view-mirror time, and I suppose that accounts for something.
To the people I mentioned in paragraph one, the people who don't ever make mistakes (because they somehow and in someway MUST exist) I feel sorry. I think of mistakes as a divine human gift. We learn from them and grow greatly because of them, and to not make any at all is to never change in our ways. If the last month has taught me anything it is that there really is a silver lining in every encounter, good or bad, that inspires us to change.
Maybe those changes are simple... they make us look at things in a slightly different light. They make us do something just a little bit different than we did before. They make us omit certain words from our conversations that show a weakness, such as "I hope I'm not annoying you." Have the confidence you aren't annoying them, Sean... and maybe they really do like you. Shit, I revealed something. Maybe those changes build muscle, too. And whatever the muscle that is built, in your arms or in your mind, take heed and notice it. Changes are always a good thing.
I look now to a change in course... a slight correction in my navigation abilities. Who knows what new opportunities they will bring? The lesson learned here in the end, really, is that there are still good men (and women, whatevs,) and they don't all lie. Which is cool by me. I keep listening to the song below, partly because it's catchy and fun and partly because something about the lyrics resonate well with me.
A picture paints a thousand words;
As one door closes, another doors opens,
And two wrongs don't make a right.
Now good things come to those who wait;
Take the highs with the lows dear,
You'll get what you're given and everything's gonna be alright.
Thanks, Lily Allen. And thus I bid you all adieu (c:
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