I didn't mean to write that in caps but I hit it and I guess found it immediately fitting, lol. I had today off and tried to make it super productive but then that awkward moment came along and sorta stopped me. You know the one: "I've got so much to do, this is crazy! Where do I start? Why with a nap of course." My version of a nap today came in the form of watching "Matilda" on Netflix so... there you have it. I did get a few things done though; I ran a bunch of errands this morning and then went to the grocery store and loaded up on vegetables because apparently my fridge is never stocked enough for certain individuals.
And I bought some ice-cream. Deal with it.
After the movie was finished I grabbed a fresh book off the shelf (third new-to-me book since moving out, I'm on a roll!) but my mind has been wandering back and forth a lot lately on a few topics and I needed to just sit down and write some of them out. Bear with me.
I talk a lot about wanting to change and trying to inspire change in others but sometimes I have to wonder if we ever change at all when it comes to our sheer will. Can people change? Certainly. Do people want to change? I would assume so, yes. When do people stop changing? I can't really answer that if even for myself. Maybe it stops the day you become so set in your ways so as to not be open to anything else... or maybe it keeps going forever.
Sometimes I look back on things with a certain twinge of regret. And maybe regret isn't the right word but it popped in my head first so I think I'll leave it. The right word be more along the lines of it being a twinge of nostalgia. I was looking at pictures of a former friend and I feeling that small kick of jealousy/anger/happiness/wonder/inspiration that sometimes pops up as well. I can't help but wonder why I feel that when it has been coming up on a year since we could be considered friends.
Maybe it lies in the fact that things only really change when you decide to look away?
What was that quote, something about looking so longingly upon a door that has closed that you don't see the others that have opened? Blahblahblah? It's probably true in most circumstances but in ones such as these I'm not so sure. It's not like cancelling out one peson in your life leaves room for a dozen more, we can always expand our social circles to accomodate whoever we want and it doesn't take the absence of one to reveal the opportunity for another. None of this is to say that I miss said person enough to go wandering back, because that door/book/chapter/movie is pretty fucking closed. It's just interesting to look back.
In regards to things only changing once you've looked away... that is something that's been spinning and revolving pretty constantly in my mind the past few days. As a personal relationship I have with someone develops into something a little wider reaching and a bit more profound I'm realizing once more what it felt like to be interested in someone so much. How much I like it and consequently how much I hate it.
I love reading that. Being single again after such a long time of dating (and a long relationship to boot,) was a great thing. And I did learn a lot about myself in the interim since then. If I hadn't learned anything in two years then I would really have to worry about myself, lol. As that time goes by however, you begin to forget about the many details that occupied your mind-space while you were in a relationship/dating/whatever. Most of the time they are details I'd rather forget forever and never have to feel again. But that would mean life is fair and we all know how THAT one goes.
I'm still changing and usually I think it's for the better, but there are brief and often fleeting moments of time that I wish I could be the way I once was. A little bit more innocent or maybe a little bit nicer. Teachers in elementary school and all the way through high school used to say how sweet and polite I was but no one really ever says that anymore. I think I'm still as polite now as I was before but I also think something wonderful called a "personality" has developed since then. I dunno. "We are who we choose to be," to quote the Green Goblin.
It's getting to be dinner time now so I suppose I should wander off and start working on that. It's fun to get back in the kitchen and start experimenting again, that was something I didn't really realize I missed so much. It's nothing fancy tonight, just a batch of fried rice and chicken stir-fry I found a recipe for on 'ye old Pinterest. If you need me you can find me chopping onions and flinging shit around in the wok I went and purchased today.
Ciao for now, toodles gang, and all that comes with it. Til we meet again (c;
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