the december update: second edition

I'm always a little bit surprised with how quickly the end of the month approaches.  This year in particular it felt like December started and began in the same breath of air, but I suppose if you're too busy to watch the days go by then you miss most of them altogether.  Kinda sad/not sad in the same instant.  December is and always has been my favorite month of the year for reasons both obvious and invisible.  And while it tidies up so many of the loose ends from throughout the year, it also creates a few news ones that will stretch into the following.  It's difficult not to make this update a "year in review" rather than just a month, but I'll do my darndest.

Getting loves from the babes.

The month started off in a ball of stress wrapped in a button down shirt with a Pottery Barn nametag on it reading "Sean."  I try not to talk much about my job, good or bad, because I don't ever want to paint myself into a corner I can't tapdance with a backflip out of.  I think it goes without saying that any person who is the General Manager (re: Store Manager) of a retail establishment during the holiday season is going to be stressed out.  And while nothing happened that would cause said stress to be unbearable for me, I tend to over-think things and events and stress myself out over them like there's no tomorrow.

As I started writing this I realized I really have not taken many pictures of myself this month... not that that's a bad thing, I just haven't.  Really, this year in general has been a pretty picture-less one.  I blame my hair.  I ALMOST cut it all off a few weeks ago but several concerned parties stopped me from doing so and I'm glad they did.  As of tomorrow, I will have gone a full calendar year without cutting my hair off!  Technically it was a year in July but I said "calendar," if you'll notice, so there.

Pay attention.

I never got tired of my tree this year.

Above, you see how my initial attempt at decorating my first Christmas tree while living on my own was less than inspired.  It was all of the old stuff I had, filled with the old memories of a failed relationship and visual cues as to what life had been like the last time I'd seen 'em.  Plus they were cheap-o Hobby Lobby glass ornaments and weren't cutting it anymore.  So I started over.

Burlap is such a huge "thing" right now that it just made sense to use a garland and buy a big swath of it in red to wrap around the base for a skirt.  I focused mainly on silver orbs and the fogged glass ones (I love how they light up when they catch the light), and made the tree topper myself.  Lots of folding and cutting on that one and I would be lying if I said I nailed it on the first try.

Didn't!

The tree ended up looking a little more inspired than the previous incarnation and I was happy for that.  I bought all of this stuff to make my own ornaments (burlap squares, fancy paper, etc.) but I ended up not having the ambition to do it and will save them until next year.  I started getting sick shortly after putting the tree up and that sickness stayed with me for the entirety of the month.  It was a little more complex than just a cold or the flu, but in the end I am OK and have been treated for what ailed me.  You're stuck with me for now, I'm not dying.

 The painting I will never paint again (after making 9 of them)

The OTHER reason I didn't want to make the ornaments is because I kept having to paint canvas projects for people.  Which don't get me wrong, I needed the money it brought in and I had a decent time doing it, but then EVERYBODY wanted the one you see above.  So after those final two were made, I decided that "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" will never be back.  Ever.

It's fairly simple for me to do these and it really doesn't take much time, so if any of you reading are in need of some hand-drawn art (doesn't even need to be Christmas related), I have no problem making some chalk designs (though it's not chalk) for you to enjoy in your home.  For a relatively cheap amount.  Lemme know!

What a sight! 

One of the major highlights this month came when I got a text from my mom telling me she was at the Appleton Public Library and my book was sitting on the shelf.  I immediately got choked up and felt my eyes watering.

I don't know if you're aware of this but I published my first book in August.  If you don't know this, you should just go away now.

Like... now.  Go.  Close the browser or turn off your phone or drop your tablet.  Unless this is your first blog of mine... in which case welcome!  Bienvenido!

I'm not very good at marketing myself and I know that.  When I ask for people to share a link or maybe one of my Facebook pages, I feel guilty and weird and I don't know why that is other than the fact that I hate being pushy.  So finding out that somehow, someway, my book made it into the library?  It's an incredible feeling.  It's an emotional feeling.  And it certainly gives me hope that "The Onyxus Chronicles: Episode I" was not dead-in-the-water a month after it was released.  If you are feeling generous or know someone that likes to be a promoter, let me know.  I'm always looking for a leg up!

I want to go down to the library sometime though and see if it's there.  Ask if it's being checked out.  Maybe cry if it's not, but if it is, shamelessly announce who I am and wait for the applause to start.

A guy can dream.

After all that was said and done, the weeks went by and then we hit Christmas.  I had my guy and my parents over for brunch in the morning, trying my hand at a Blueberry French Toast bake and homemade blueberry syrup, plus these little breakfast casserole things that had hashbrowns, eggs, cheese and bacon in them.  It was pretty fantastic.  The green concoctions are Grinch Coolers (delicious Mimosa-esque drinks that I'll for sure make again) though the festive red cherries dropped to the bottom of the glasses and ruined the look.  Damnit.

#nailedit

After brunch we went as a group to see "Exodus: Gods and Kings" which was kind of a snooze but a pretty decent movie overall.  Parted ways for a bit, I made an AMAZING Shepherd's Pie, and then I scooted on out to the Manor to finish the day out with my family.  We had a great dinner and opened gifts, laughing and hee-hawing our way through the evening with some good conversation at the tail end, and then I was off to go home.

I opened at work the next day, my 29th birthday, but the antibiotics I was on had me feeling like absolute and utter shit.  Nauseated, dizzy, and like I had been hit by a truck.  So I went home after a couple hours and slept for several more then contemplated cancelling my birthday dinner but ended up not.  My birthday was the day they discovered what was going on with me health-wise so I finally got the correct antibiotics and was able to start the healing process.

We had a quiet dinner (not too quiet with my nieces and nephew (though my nephew was very quiet)) at Pullman's with my family and a few friends.  Nothing huge or la-de-da, but quaint and meaningful.  It was my first time not having @klreynol around for my birthday in a long time and something I kept thinking about through the evening.  I was still happy to have the people with me that could make it, don't get me wrong.

After dinner we went over to @markstyleme's house for cocktails though I was still feeling pretty icky and kept it to soda and juice for the most part.  Turning 29 just wasn't a big deal for me, not like 30 is going to be or 26 was.  It's just a filler birthday.  I keep thinking about where I might be for my 30th but that's something for another blog (a new resolution part iv) at another time (tomorrow).  I also keep thinking about how little interaction I have had through Facebook this month and how quiet my status updates have been.  Not many pictures, not many witty remarks, just a lot of silence.

A couple bests and my guy.

I suppose the biggest reason I've been so silent is because I've been spending time with Derek, the handsome gent you see on the right.  And there is still no nickname for him to use in these blogs and I'm fine with that.  When it comes to me meeting new people as prospective "partners" if you will, I'm picky.  Picky to a fault.  The biggest thing I look at after a month has gone by is "am I still falling or have I fallen and already picked myself back up?"  And of course that refers to falling in love.  After a month, if you're not there, you're not gonna be there.  That's of course my own opinion but who is to say it's any less valid than someone else's?

But with Derek I was still falling after two weeks.  Still falling after three weeks... and then just a few days after four weeks, I couldn't hold it in anymore and had to blurt it out.  The words I hadn't said in almost four years and the words I hadn't truly meant in almost five.

"I love you."

And he said he loved me back.  And everything I've had waiting in the air around me for so many years, everything I've doubted and been hoping would come back in full force some day, finally did.  And I teared up because that's what I do, and maybe he teared up a little too, but there it was.  The hopeless romantic who mostly believed love would never find him again, finally did.  And we're encroaching six weeks now and I am happy to report I'm still falling.

Whether it's his green eyes I've only ever imagined for a character in my book, his smile that makes me blush and grin in return, or just the simple way he gives me a hug and then takes my hand and gives it a little wiggle as if to say "hello, I'm here with you," it's enough.  It's more than enough, and I am over the moon while under the sun and all the freezing wind and bitter air of Northeast Wisconsin couldn't stop my heart from beating any warmer.

2014 has ended on the highest note I could have predicted.

So what else happened in December?  Had my first case of dehydration ever, saw the doctor more times in two weeks than I have in the last 6 years combined, and successfully watched all of Phase 1 of the Marvel movies with Derek (he'd never seen ANY).  Learned how to manage my stress a little better, stopped backing down from certain confrontations, and somehow managed not to write a single damn thing for my second book.  I avoided not one or two but THREE potential oven fires, saw "Into the Woods" and hated it, and finally (most importantly?) I fell in love with someone who completely and whole-heartedly has earned it.  Things are looking up (c:

See you in the New Year!

the november update: second edition

Clearly I'm Robin in this scenario.

I always feel like a total shit when it comes time to write an update and I realize I didn't write a single thing throughout the month leading up to it.  As if I owe it to you all because my life depends on it, and if I don't get one of these out then the world will implode.  Or explode.  Whichever,  I don't know.

But really I do end up feeling bad when I don't write anything.  Part of the reason I write so much is because I need an outlet to express whatever form of disappointment I find myself stuck in, either disappointment in myself or in some external force. It's weird to write that out but there you have it.  I guess the reason I didn't feel the need to write in November is because I haven't been disappointed.  Particularly in myself, because I've actually been quite proud.

@klreynol leaving town was a big slap of reality and it made me think about one of my favorite quotes.  "All great changes are preceded by chaos." It doesn't take a genius to look back at my October and see how much of a shit show it ended up becoming, for better or for worse.  I think the quote is applicable to real life because if you are too busy to look around, you're missing things.  As soon as the chaos stops, you have a chance to catch your breath and then you see what's waiting right in front of your face.  Perhaps it's the new guy working at your local Starbucks.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The month started quietly.  Best friend very gone to Arizona, Halloween events at an end, work settling into the quick pace of Holiday 2014... it was quiet.  I had the time at my disposal to work on The Onyxus Chronicles: Episode II without interruption.  And for a couple of weeks, that's how it went.  And y'know what, I'm just going to say right now that I wasn't going to write about the new addition in my life but hell, fuck it.  Because I like him and I've never gotten ahead by keeping these sorts of things to myself.

I met Derek.  Blog alias still pending.

It's been a really long time since I've been able to think about someone and just start grinning but I have, and there's something pretty great about that.  Not to put the cart before the horse or anything.

And really he was a huge part of my November.  Everything kind of fell by the wayside, including but not limited to the book (though I did finish the big edit), friends, and several phone calls that still need to happen.  I spent all of my free time with him and while I'm now starting to get the nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I need to pay attention again to everyone else, I'm not too bothered by it.

So get over it if you're mad at me.

Outside of the whole "relationship status" thing, life really did start ramping up again toward the end of the month.  Ye 'ol boss lady, Courtney, had her baby girl a week before Black Friday.  That event effectively had her stepping away from the store and allowing me to slide into the "Acting General Manager" role I spent most of the year getting a firmer grasp of.

There was initially panic, I admit it.  Quickly that panic began to flow away though because you realize you're ready for this, you've been ready for this, and it's just a matter of taking a big breath and stepping in to start waving your arms like a conductor.  Or a lunatic, either one.

A few days later was the Christmas Parade and the 6th year in a row that I've attended.  I don't really know why I enjoy going to the parade so much, it's never as fun as I think it is going to be.  Plus you usually have to watch your mouth because there are kids around and I have a certain knack for swearing dramatically to emphasize a statement.

i.e. "Well THAT float is a big piece of shit."

But the company was pretty perfect and what's more, it wasn't tooooo cold this year (last year it was like -5 or something) though my toes were fairly numb by the time we got back to the car.  A couple day later it was time for Thanksgiving, of which I have a very love hate relationship for.

I'm just plain and simple not a fan of it.  I never have been.  I mean, I enjoy eating as much as the next guy but calling it a holiday with a "message" is just silly.  There are a handful of movies that take place around Thanksgiving and the fact that more and more retailers are open on the day of it, who gives a crap anymore?  And don't call me a Grinch.  That's better reserved for the better holiday following.

This year I of course participated both with my family and with the family of @markstyleme (pictured above) out in New London.  Now that the Reynold's clan has transplanted to Arizona, I wasn't able to spend part of the day with them so I transposed myself nicely like a leech into his.  Had a great start to the day though and ate my fair share, then drove on out to Parker Manor to be with my family.

Aside from a perfect sunset, I suppose it's a good day for the sole reason that I get to spend some time with my family that I don't really see all that often.  At least, not in official capacity.

Then you've got Black Friday (puke) and the ensuing chaos that is the season of holiday consumers.  I was lucky enough to have Sunday off and went to cut down a Christmas tree with my parents.  This is a tradition that I will continue as long as I possibly can, no matter where I live.  Obviously in a warmer climate it won't be as nostalgic, but up here you've got snow and crisp air and some good pine trees to fill in the background.  Obviously.

I was going to write this on the 30th and fulfill my unofficial obligation to all of you to have these out actually on time, but Derek came over to help me decorate the tree.  Then we watched a movie.  Then I made dinner, and then I realized that the things that are important (and increasingly so), are right before your eyes.  I learned a long time ago that burying myself in the magical world of The Onyxus Chronicles (or even now in blogs) doesn't actually do any good to the people around you.  And if you sabotage those relationships, what else would you write about?  Amen!

So what else happened in November?  Moved on to the second-to-last step of editing Episode II, started to get sick of growing my hair out after a year and a half, and stopped taking shit from a certain individual.  Screwed up the tickets for a magic show (day late, whoops), launched a so far VERY successful St. Jude's campaign at Pottery Barn, and started going to the movies again.  Laughed a lot, started to feel a lot, and all because I achieved boyfriend status with a very special guy.

December can hardly be disappointing at this rate (c:

the october update: second edition, part II

Part II

(Part I here)

So.  So, so, so.  If it's October, it's Halloween month.  Not the month with Halloween at the end... it's just Halloween month.  At least it is for this guy.  You've read about my costumes (here) so you know I never tread lightly when it comes time to get serious about this shit.  At all.

Now this post is going to be a smidgen out of order because I am going to lump everything together when it comes to the costume, and that means four separate nights of dressing up that were divided by actual Halloween.  So let's start with that.  Get ready for a lot of pictures.

I invited mom over for Halloween day, seeing as she lives out in the boonies now and doesn't get Trick or Treaters and no one can appreciate her pumpkins.  I had taken four days off from work to celebrate accordingly and planned a little afternoon of it.

First let me start off by saying I was dumb and waited until the last minute to buy pumpkins this year.  Not the EXACT last minute, because it was the day before, but the fact remains.  Three grocery stores and two plant nurseries had literally nothing left when it came to pumpkins or gourds.  Nada.  And I know they weren't all sold, they were probably donated, but how annoying!  I had to resort to Wal-Mart, barf, and even then I only got the three midgets you see below in the center.

But I digress.

We carved pumpkins, I made a big crockpot of chili (Parker tradition, everyone), and then we sat down and watched "Fright Night."  The remake, not the older version.  And I'd just like to say I have no qualms with the remake as so many people do, because I only saw the original once and thought it was so-so.  It was a fun afternoon with mom, spent talking about Halloween's past and all that.  Couple scares, lots of laughs, and what more could you ask for?  When she left, I dawdled a bit before getting ready for the evening.

The third "event" of October commenced.

I've never taken progress pictures of my makeup before and thought that this year would be the perfect time to do so.  So we'll move left to right, top to bottom, start to finish.  Enjoy!  Feel free to click the picture to make it bigger, if you want to see the nitty-gritty.

1.) Manly with a beard, no prep work done.
2.) Half-tie the hair back and slather on that shaving cream.  Get it, get it!
3.) What a baby face; this is why I don't shave with a razor.  Ever.
4.) All showered and lotioned up!
5.) Applied foundation to the forehead and frame of my face, which I then removed from the frame of my face because I wound up screwing it up.  This is a process, people.  Set the foundation with powder.
6.) Draw the brows on with liquid liner.  That little arch gives a whole lot of expression when I move my forehead.
7.) The prettiest face you'll ever see.  I smudged out all of the eyeshadow (there are four colors there: black, gun metal, silver, and sparkly onyx) to be able to have a much finer line when it was done but mostly so that I wasn't coming up short when I did clean it up.
8.) After taking a makeup remover wipe I had a perfect line coming off each eye.
9.) Eyes done, foundation totally applied.
10.) Lips done!  First outlined with black liquid liner, then lipstick applied, then the liner is gone over again and smudged down to make a better shading effect.  I had to blow out my top lip because if I didn't, it would look like there was hardly a lip there.
11.) Hey, the night is wrapped.  After a makeup remover wipe had attacked my mouth and eye, I look like leatherface.  I get a good chuckle at the difference in skin color.  Fun fact: the last night of doing makeup, I kept messing it up and had to essentially "spackle" my face with foundation.  I looked like Goldie Hawn in "Death Becomes Her."
12.) All cleaned off and ready for a shower.  Looking like I got rode hard and put away wet.

The finished product?  Well look below!  More time and effort was spent on the jacket than anything else.  I bought it for $14, and added about $80 worth of patches, chains and buttons.  But it upped the ante of the costume and I couldn't be happier.  The corset was not really a corset, but an old vest I had from Express.  I cut it up to get the right shapes and then mom attached a new fabric to the whole thing.  I then pounded grommets in to lace it up, and the real Dr. Frank'n'furter looks mighty pissed at my success.

The first night of going out was with Miss T (dressed as Marie Antoinette) and we went to "Wicked Fun" at the Grand Meridian in Appleton.  We'd gone to this event the year before and hadn't had much success in enjoying ourselves or winning the costume contest (that was a mess, don't even get me started).  So we just threw caution to the wind and went as big and bold as we could.  And y'know what?  We had a blast that night.  And on top of it all, we won.  Miss T secured third place and I brought it in at 2nd, which was fine by me.  The prize (below) was valued at $850 and came full of gift cards for random establishments/things as well as tickets to the Weidner Center for a magic show at the end of November.

I'd rather take 2nd place than nothing at all, and beggars can't be choosers so I took the tin and ran.

I didn't really run.

I don't know if you noticed those heels or not, but the platform was an inch and a half tall.  And the heel five inches.  Do the math ::cough cough six foot nine inches cough cough::

Then we had the second event, the next night, at a bar called Sluggers on the north side of town.  Our friend Joni's boyfriend's band was playing and the costume contest was that night, so we put it all on again and turned it out as well as we could.  By this point we were realizing how much attention our outfits were getting.  The first night alone we posed in more pictures than we had through three events combined the year before.

Unfortunately this night Miss T did not place in the contest.  16 people entered it and everyone got to march around in front of the crowd, and then based on their screams the list was narrowed to 8 people.  She did not make it into the 8, and without being biased AT ALL, I have to say it was bullshit.  One of the costumes was a girl in a red hoodie as Elliot, carrying a basket with an E.T. doll in it.  And don't get me wrong, that's a great costume (and one I provided to Jillybean for a party I threw back in 2009) but it is not one full of effort.  And Miss T's was full of effort.

So I made it into the top 8, and then I made it into the top 3.  And then I strutted my stuff one final time and secured 2nd place for a 2nd night in a row, drawing in $100 cash for myself.  Miss T was a great sport because in the end, we are cheerleaders for each other.  And the exact same thing happened last year, at the same bar.  She placed and I didn't.

Then we move on to the main event.

@markstyleme and Mr. K finally joined the festivities as Magenta and Riff Raff, completing the trio from Rocky Horror.  All we needed was a Columbia!  I think my favorite part of this costume was how many people reared their heads around when they saw it.  I'm a big guy on any given day, at 6'4" with wide shoulders and just a broad frame in general.  So when you put me in heels, a garter belt and a corset, it turns heads.

Men congratulated me on being "fuckin' awesome!"  Women screamed about how great my calves looked.  And the pictures.  Pictures, pictures, pictures.  They didn't stop!  I'm sure it was intimidating enough to walk up to a complete stranger to ask for a picture (let alone one that looked as I did), but to do it when I was in a group of friends was commendable.  I did everything I could to be gracious and willing, because there is nothing worse than a sour puss in costume.

And really, I did this for the attention.  No one would dress up the way we did and be thinking "Gosh, I hope no one looks at me tonight."  I WANTED people to look!  I even called them out when they were looking!  "Hey, take a picture!  Don't be shy honey, come-and-gimme-a-hug."  Wearing that much makeup and a costume like that made me transform into the character and that is such a great feeling.  No one would recognize me from my day job, no one would be able to pick me out of a crowd, and that is incredibly freeing.  So I got to ham it up for a few nights and just be ridiculous.

Then you've got 'ol nipple biter @caitcd, with Riff Raff creeping in the background.  Of the 60+ pictures I posed in for complete strangers, I didn't find out until later that he photobombed nearly every single one, standing in the crook of my arm with his face leering through it.  And that is fucking awesome.  I have to give MAJOR props to Mr. K for never dropping character.

A photographer from the Post Crescent was also there and our picture made it onto the website for the newspaper.  Which is pretty grand as well.  

This was the "official" picture we had taken of us by the people at the event.  This was at Waverly Beach in support of the Children's Hospital, and I later found out the event (which typically pulls in about $60,000 a year) beat their record and pulled in over $100,000 which is pretty fantastic.  There was a costume contest that Miss T entered as a solo and the three boys entered as a group, and unfortunately we did not even place.  BUT it was an honor just to be nominated, because you couldn't walk up to a booth and say "Hey, I want to be in the contest."  There were judges walking around that had to personally give you a necklace to nominate you.

After the contest was over, we parted ways.  The boys went home and Miss T and I went to a bar called Images where @kconn works.  We got there around 11:20 and didn't realize there was a contest at that bar as well.  So at midnight, when the winners were announced, imagine our immense surprise when Miss T took 2nd place and I took 1st place.

I screamed very loudly.

We come to the final night of festivities.  @markstyleme and Mr. K threw a shindig at their new house and I was more than willing to play with them.  Miss T unfortunately did not join me as she was feeling under the weather, but I was comfortable enough on my own at that point that I knew I wouldn't have a problem strutting around without her to protect me from bullies.

Of which there had been none, but you know what I'm saying.  Easy target.

We had to sign balloons at the house, either as our character or as ourselves, so I chose my character and got artsy with the underline.  If you see a big dick, that's your own fault.  I claim no responsibility.

Scout showed up as Derek Zoolander and was my arm candy for the evening.  We went downtown for karaoke (no one else was ready to leave the party when we left, aaaaaand then no one else ever came) just the two of us and had a blast.  There's something to be said about a person that makes it easy for you to be so silly and dumb around them, whether you want to or not, and for me that's Scout.

There was supposed to be a costume contest at the bar I frequent for karaoke, but sadly they had done it the night before.  Mother fuck.  That was okay though because there were still a bunch of people dressed up and we had fun talking with them and taking pictures throughout the evening.  I must say, I made a whole gaggle of new friends in this outfit.  Even if I didn't get their names.  Or the names of the straight men, who were very hunky, that couldn't stop touching me.

What an effect I have on people!

Around 12:30, the time came for me to perform.  It was the whole reason I chose this costume, after all.  A year ago on Halloween I sang karaoke in public for the first time, and the song I was comfortable singing was "Sweet Transvestite" from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.  It was like a drug to me, and I sang it throughout the entire year.  I knew it was all building to this point, and though the very beginning was cut off, that's ok.  I keep watching it and laughing.  I didn't realize I looked so good in that corset!

When the song was over it was time to head back to @markstyleme's and call it quits for the Halloween season of 2014.  When we walked out of the bar (of which I had parked directly in front of by sheer luck) it was to find four or five squad cars, a fire truck, and crime scene tape.  Because there had been multiple stabbings at the Mexican club right next door.  Suddenly my parking spot wasn't so great.

So with my chin held high, this 6'9" tranny walked into the damn street infront of cops, onlookers, media and club go-ers, got into the damn car, and managed to wiggle out of the parking spot in platforms and a wig.

Watch out, world, I'm coming for ya!

Back at the house, the corset came off.  The wig, the heels, the nylons, all packed away to be kept in a safe place for an undetermined amount of time.  There's always a sense of finality to whatever character I'm playing when I take the costume off for the last time, and then I know it's done.  @markstyleme was lying on the floor, so I lay down with him and we were chuckling and taking pictures.  And then Scout and Mr. K lay down as well and we were all laughing and taking pictures non-stop.

Looking at the photo above I can't help but get a certain twinge of nostalgia for how things were at one point in time.  How things could have been... in my mind how they should have been.  Not everything works out the way we want and that's alright.  It can suck, but it's alright.

So what else happened in October?  I only listened to Christmas music twice.  Okay, three times.  Went through enough makeup to fancy-up a small army, visited my first cheese store, and endulged in a few Dark 'n Stormy's.  I finished the hard copy edit of Episode II, made a few decisions about the end of the Onyxus Chronicles series, bought my first iPhone, and started my holiday shopping.  If that's not ahead of the game then I just don't know what is.

I think when all is said and done, it's like the quote at the beginning of this set of blogs said: "Sometimes the healing is in the aching."  We need to feel things, things like these three events, to remind us that we're alive.  Whether it's a sentimental wedding, the loss that comes from a best friend moving away, or the overwhelming joy of bringing a character to life so well... we need it.

I need it.

And if the healing is truly in the aching, I'm healing up quite nicely.  Maybe the silver lining of that is that I'll be able to stand even more sturdy on my own two feet, heels or not, and greet the future without needing to lean on so many people.  It's a good thing to look forward to.

Ciao gang (c:

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the october update: second edition, part I

Part I

(Part II here)

What a busy, crazy, fast, slow, sad, happy, terrifying, emotional month October was.  I've never spent so many consecutive days spontaneously bursting into tears, nor have I ever kept myself so mentally occupied so as to try avoiding a situation until it was too close to ignore.  I've known for a while it was going to be a ridiculous month so it didn't come as too awful much of a surprise, and in the end, I'm happy to have things be too busy than not be busy at all.  There was a lot of dread coming into it but when it wrapped... just a steady determination that I continue to find as comforting as hugging an old friend.  How did October start though?

By watching Scream.

I like to break up this month (and the following couple) with movies that get me in the mood for the resulting event.  With this being the time of year to start watching horror movies with such reckless abandon, why not that one?  It was after all the first horror movie I ever saw in the theater (more on that in the next Random Things blog), and is just as good as any to kick off the festivities.

But the first big event of the month (of which there were three big "events") was the wedding of a certain miss @caitcd.  I was honored to be asked to be an attendant to her on the big day and accepted the position enthusiastically.  Even more so because she asked if I would give a speech.  WOULD I?  Of course I would.  Any chance I get to stand in front of a crowd with a microphone and this guy is in!

Now as had been custom to all of the festivities involving the wedding (bachelorette party, bridal shower, etc.), the weather on the day was absolutely perfect.  I drove out to a gal's house that lived maybe 15 minutes away with @joleneelizabeth and picked up all of the botanicals involved in the day.  We went to Riverview Gardens to then set up and had a pretty good time doing it.  Lot's of burlap, dried wheat, sliced tree stumps and several dozen green and brown glass bottles later, the stage was set for what would become one of the best weddings I've ever been to.

Weddings of best friends are difficult for me.  They always have been.  It's not a question of whether or not I am happy for them because I always am.  Astoundingly happy, actually.  The difficult thing for me is accepting that things are going to change between us a smidgen.  Sometimes a lot, sometimes hardly at all.  But there have been friends in the past that completely vanished in their marital bliss and never ended up returning to a good friendship in any way shape or form.  And that hurts.

It could also be because I'm single and rolling my eyes a lot, Janeane Garofolo style in "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion" (spilling beer down my chin and all).  Of course I'm not bitter.

But really it was a beautiful evening and my ONLY regret is that I did not remember to ask someone to record the speech.  Hindsight is such a bitch sometimes!  So I'd like to take the opportunity to write it out here, and you can of course skip it if you'd like but that's your choice.  And it's my blog.  Boom.

~ * ~

I like to go last at these things... then nobody can one up me.  That being said, hello!  My name is Sean Parker and I am a very close friend to our bride Caitlin, and I suppose through osmosis our groom Joe as well.

Caitlin and I did not actually used to be friends, believe it or not.  And though at one point in time a couple years ago the waiter at a Mexican restaurant thought we were twins DESPITE just checking out I.D.'s, it is a true statement.  We always knew each other, and maybe we chatted casually every now and then, but there is a subtle difference between the two.  We shared a fair amount of time together in our senior year of high school in a ceramics class and I suppose you could say we... tolerated each other.  It was time spent mostly insulting each other.  And no, not in a truly mean way, it was solely to award ourselves points based on how harsh the criticism was.  We even signed one another's yearbooks that way.

Caitlin probably never thought I'd bring that up on her wedding day, but... here we are.  10 years later and 10 points to me!  All that being said, five years went by after graduation before Caitlin and I actually spoke again (thanks Facebook!) and we hit it off remarkably.  And over the next couple years we became best friends.  Comrades in arms because we were both unlucky in love and came to bond over it.

And I have a point to all of this... stick with me.

We spent all kinds of time together, hanging out and watching Harry Potter, going for drinks and bike rides, having cooking parties, you name it.  One day Caitlin's mom Phil told her that if she was ever going to find a man, she had to stop going out on the town with me because no guy was going to approach her while I was around.  And we chuckled and "ha-ha'd" about it and went about our lives.  Now, almost two years ago I went on this awesome cruise of the Caribbean and Caitlin was gracious enough to come and pick me up in the middle of the night from the Milwaukee airport.  We chatted through the drive home, me telling her about the trip and her filling me in on life in Appleton, and admittedly I was delirious from exhaustion and a little land sickness.  Then Caitlin broke down and told me something.

"I met someone," she said.
"You did?" I asked, half surprised and half complacent as she nodded.
"Yeah, you know him.  We met up at a bar and hung out a few times and he came over and played guitar..." and she keeps talking and all I'm thinking in my head is "who do I know that plays guitar?  Not the fact that she's dating someone, no, just "well who plays guitar?"
So I said "Well who is it?"  And she chuckled in the way that she does and then spills.
"Joey Kiley."  And she says it in this 'tone' as if I'm going to have some sort of dramatic reaction.  As if to say I'm a dramatic person.
So I said "WHAT!?"  And I remember laughing with her and then proclaiming "So it wasn't enough to just skip hanging out for a week like your mom said, I had to leave the country for you to meet someone?"

Right away I was skeptical.  I went in to brother mode, because she is like a sister to me.  He's not good enough for you, and I don't know who is but it's not him!  But after a few weeks went by, that eroded away.  The smiles that were so slight began to grow bigger, the stories about him were filled with sweet things he did or said.  Like grew to love and then her eyes would sparkle whenever she talked about him.  It got me to thinking about how random it really is to meet up with someone you knew in what was essentially another life.  If a relationship didn't work 10 years ago, why would it now?

But then I realized that's what happened with Caitlin and I.  Maybe at one point in time, you're just not ready to be close to a person.  Maybe when they come around the second time, and you've both experienced some more happiness and maybe some more pain, everything's perfect.  It's chemical.  Some people are meant to be together in one regard or another and I cannot tell you how happy it makes me that you two came around after so long to make it work.  Things like this, like love, have a way of coming full circle.  Whether it's karma, fate, divine intervention, a combination of one or a couple or maybe just a little luck and better timing... whatever it is, it's magical.  It's contagious.  And it's inspirational to those of us still waiting to feel it.

So let us raise our glasses for one final toast.  To the people who made it out today, to those that are no longer with us, and most importantly to Caitlin and Joe.  May the spark of your love endure to become the brightest of our guiding stars.  Cheers.

~ * ~

After the wedding was wrapped I had a week or so to let life continue in however normal of a way as I could muster.  I worked on my costume, continued the hard copy edit of my second book (pictured below, yikes), and of course kept the fact that another best was getting ready to move across the country firmly out of my mind.  Like I said I was a busy boy in October and Halloween prep was the least of my concerns.

Some big news was dropped on me at work and it was something that caused me to start thinking about the possibility of changing my plans in the future.  I kept telling myself I would move to Austin before I was 30 (which seems a hell of a lot closer when I say it now compared to saying it at 27 last summer) to work for West Elm.  For those not in the know, West Elm is the more "urban" side of Pottery Barn (we are both owned by Williams Sonoma, Inc.) and is primarily located in larger cities.

The company is expanding at a super fast rate though and the big news that fell on my shoulders is that they're opening a West Elm in Milwaukee.  This spring.  And suddenly I had a big fat wrench thrown into my plans.  It was never in my life goal to move to Milwaukee (no offense to anyone that lives there), but if I interview for the store and get the job?  I don't know.  Big choices ahead I suppose.  

I did get the pleasure of joining Miss T and Mr J for her first haunted house experience.  And I must say it was quite the experience for a multitude of reasons.  Chief among them being that since the owner of the haunted house we chose out in Manitowoc personally knew members of our group, that gave the people INSIDE said haunted house the go-ahead to touch us.  And if you've never been to a haunted house where they actually touch you, it's a whole new level of fuckin' creepy, lemme tell ya.

Other highlights included: me screaming at the tops of my lungs at leatherface, Miss T falling up the stairs and then hitting her head on some wall thing, Amy saying she wanted to pull down the underwear and spank the ass of the guy at the end of the human centipede, and of course hanging out behind the scenes when all was said and done.

Oh, and on the drive home Mr J requested we stop at a Kwik Trip so he could use the restroom, whenever we saw one.  A good five minutes later I randomly said "I really like Kwik Trip, now that I'm thinking about it."  You may have had to have been there, but apparently it was hysterical and those two couldn't stop laughing at me.

As the end of October drew closer, so did the second big "event" of the month, that being @klreynol moving to Arizona.  I won't rehash all of that right now but if you are so inclined, you can read about it here.  It was difficult to face the final week of the month with that hanging over me, but I did.  And as any good Doctor should, Dr. Frank'n'furter made me feel much better.

And that's what you really want to hear about, isn't it?  I won't delay you any longer.  Enjoy (c:

Onward to Part II!

when it comes to soulmates

Letting something change is hard.  Letting something change that you've known a certain way for 16 years is even harder.  And when you're faced with the realization that nothing you do can stop said change from occurring... the only thing left is to take a deep breath, shake out your hands, and move it along like you've still got a purpose.

Even if you don't feel like you do.

My family and I moved to Wisconsin in March of 1997.  It was a rough time for all of us, but not really that rough now that I come to think about it.  We said goodbye to the people and places we had always known, and then we journeyed across the country to start a new adventure.  It was easier to be the one that leaves because you've got so many new and exciting things to experience when you reach your destination.  You don't, at least I didn't when I was 11, think about the people you are leaving behind.

What are they going to go through?  How will they feel about it all?  When we got here I had a pretty easy time making friends.  It was the end of 5th grade and people were more excited about me being from Southern California than anything else.  6th grade was just fine and dandy as well, but when 7th grade started I got sick and ended up missing the first few months of school.

More on that in another blog, sometime.

When I came back to school in November of 1998, I didn't have friends anymore.  New cliques had been formed in a school full of new faces, and I wasn't the "it" person anymore.  If anything I was the weak person because I'd been sick and not present for the team building that went on without me.  Cue the violins, I know.

I met a girl though, a special one, about a month after coming back in December of 1998.  Her name was Katie (the @klreynol I refer to in these blogs (but only as Katie in this one)), and we met through a girl I had started to "date" if holding hands counts as dating.  Katie and I got along pretty well and always had plenty of things to talk about.  We had a homeroom together that was in the gym and we wrote stupid things with Jelly Pens and notes to each other, yadda yadda.  And try as I might I just cannot find any pictures of us together from that school year.

Eventually my girlfriend faded into obscurity and Katie and I became "best friends."  I had never really had one before... the kids I grew up with in California never really earned the title.  Through no fault of theirs, of course, I just didn't think about bestowing it.  Katie and I did everything together.  Movies and bike rides and phone calls that lasted for hours.  We shared stories and confided secrets, we grew closer in a way that I hadn't experienced before.

2000

That's the oldest picture I have of us, from 8th grade graduation.  Well there's one other but it was only like a week earlier so who cares.  It's funny to look back on that, with everything that has happened, and try to put myself back in the shoes I filled.  I probably thought I'd be living in California again by now, working as a Marine Biologist and driving a Mustang.  That was the dream, at least.

On that day we were ready to face the future together as best friends.  Nothing could come between us.  And then six months later, we stopped being friends.  And we didn't just stop being "best" friends, we completely stopped any form of a relationship completely.  I stopped it, effectively cutting her out of my life like the selfish brat I was and not thinking about anyone but myself in the process.  I know I've written about it before and I'm not going to write about it again here.

After three years were wasted, we reconnected.  And admittedly it took a while to get remotely close to where we were before, but it did happen.  

2007

Katie moved away right when we started talking again, and our relationship was rebuilt through phone calls, chatting online, and EVENTUALLY text messaging.  Because we're old and that wasn't always an option.  There was a night when we were talking through something... maybe AIM, maybe MySpace, and she told me that she felt a person could have more than one soulmate in life.  Drawn to one another, they complete one another when together... and that to her, I was her soulmate.  And I felt the same.  

Time goes on and you grow closer.  You start to experience things, often very painful things, and you turn to a certain person each time.  They help you through it, they lift you up, and you realize what it really means to have a soulmate.  They are an extension of you in some way, the yin to your yang, and they just get it.  Without it being explained, whatever it is, they just get it.

2011

Over the last couple of years Katie has been talking about potentially moving away.  Her husband was casually looking for jobs in other states and I knew it was always a possibility that it could happen.  Or that it would happen, I suppose.  People change and their needs change and eventually I think it comes down to sink or swim time.

Early this year she told me her parents would be moving to Arizona, her brother and sister subsequently doing the same.  It was only logical she and her husband move as well, seeing as there would no longer be any family up here in the Tundra.  It would happen by the fall.

So with a timeline in place, I firmly blocked the event out of my mind.  If I didn't think about it then somehow it was a little less real.  I have friends, don't get me wrong.  I have a network of Bests that I rely on for several random things at random times and in random intervals.  Each brings something different to the table.  But with Katie, it's hard to describe.  If I had to try, I would say that she doesn't bring anything to the table because she is the legs that support it.  My sounding board, my rock, my confidant, my trustee, my sister... whatever you want to call it.

Natural and easy.

And as more and more people found out, they would make that face.  The eyes-widened-with-a-quick-intake-of-air-through-the-side-of-the-mouth face, as if to say I was facing the guillotine and they were worried for my safety.  "How do you feel about that?" "Oh my gosh, what'll you do without her?" "Are you okay?" "Wow, that sucks." "Let me know if you need anything when the time comes."

It felt good and bad to hear that from people.  They clearly knew who Katie is to me, that's good.  They also treated it as if she was going to die and I'd be a widower, that's bad.  It also made me ignore the situation even more.

2012

The end of the summer drew near and then they found a place to live in Arizona.  Then a moving date was picked, and all of a sudden in my mind the countdown began.  I tried not to listen to people saying goodbye, always managing to keep it out of my head a little bit longer.  The month of October was crazy and jam packed (more on that in a different blog) and each time I thought about the impending move I pushed the tightness down in my throat and shoved on with my day.

And then strange things start to happen.

The dinners together become longer.  What was once a 45 minute chat over food now stretches to two hours.  Visits that occur later in the evening no longer last two hours tops, they extend and reach to five hours.

It's as if the impending grand finale of a story has had light shed on it, and the two soulmates are doing everything they can to make it last just a little bit longer.

A few more words.

A few more laughs.

The devastation of your demise is not represented by rubble and debris visible to the eyes, your eyes, but only to your heart.

It becomes the divide between real pain and superficial pain.

Slowly, but surely, you find you're now only grasping at thin air.  Memories and thoughts and questions and jokes seem to hover in suspension.  The only thing in my head is "will I remember saying these things tonight after I haven't seen her for six months?  Am I sending the right message with all of this?  Is this what she will remember as our last in-person conversation?"

I control everything.  I always have, I always will.  I control the pictures that are put up of me, I control how people view me.  You might think I'm naive to certain things, you might think I'm being casual and non-observant at certain points when you're around me, but I'm not.  I am always hyper aware of myself and my surroundings.  But with Katie I'm not.

I wasn't.

I never wanted to be.

After the hiatus of our friendship, the person she deserved to get to know again was the real me.  No holds barred, no hidden agendas, just me.  And our relationship flourished because of it.  There aren't many people in my life outside of her that get to see that side of me... even if I wanted them to.  I don't know why that is, other than it opens me up to being hurt by more people and that's something I'm not willing to do any longer.  She knows the ugly side of me, a side I'm sometimes terrified to acknowledge, and she accepts it.  I know I'll find that in another person someday, hopefully in a romantic sense, but for now I haven't.

Having someone like Katie in your life is a blessing of the highest order.  Finding a person you can call your soulmate and know they feel exactly as you do... you can't beat that.  Why would you even want to?

2014

I gathered all of the Bests through a sheer miracle (the schedules of six busy adults is a difficult thing to wrangle) to take some pictures.  It would likely be the last time I would have all of them together for the foreseeable future if not ever again.  I wanted to take pictures of us as a group, the way we had done three years ago almost to the day.  I draw a certain energy from them and having all together at once is incredibly calming.

The biggest point of it was to have one final picture with Katie before everything changes.  I hate change, I really do.  As much of a proponent as I am for it, when change comes to my own life I tend to resist it for as long as I can.  Change isn't always a bad thing, sometimes it can be a very good thing, but more often than not there is someone who gets hurt in the process.  And this time it's me.

This time, I'm the one being left in a state when a friend moves across the country.  And this time I know how it feels to be on the non-adventure end of the stick.

I am so happy for her and her family, I truly am.  And I certainly know this isn't the end of our friendship by any means, just the start of a new part of the book.  It's sad and it's difficult, but it's nothing I won't be able to get through.  It's nothing our friendship won't be able to get through.  That's just how soulmates work.

1999

This is the actual oldest picture that exists, October of 1999.  I was flipping through the 8th grade yearbook a month or so ago and seeing if I could find anything of @caitcd and her husband to influence my speech at her wedding when I stumbled upon it.

I never would have thought things would turn out the way they did between us.  How many laughs and tears we would share together.  I never thought she'd be the very first person I'd ever come out to, certainly never believed she would influence me to become an author.  But that part of our story has now been written and we can turn to the rest.  I don't know what it holds.  Part of me doesn't want to know what it holds... that's what makes it an adventure.  I am losing a piece of myself when her plane leaves tonight, but I know where to find it when I want to feel complete again.  At least I will have the option.

So onward we march to new lands, new scenery, new experiences, new laughs, new tears, new friends, new family, and in the end, new life.  Sad and beautiful and happy and mesmerizing as it could possibly be.  Onward.

I love you, Scoop.  A couple thousand miles won't change any of that.  Ciao for now (c:

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fourth iteration

When I sat down three years ago today, I didn't think this blog was ever going to go anywhere.  Not to say blogs "travel," but I suppose in one way or another they do get around, yeah?  Yeah!  Every time  my words are read from somewhere in the country (re: planet) and every time one of you clicks "share," it travels.  And that's fantastic.  That's marvelous actually because you're allowing me to spread my wings and touch people.

That sounds kinda gross and super corny, but what's my absolute #1 rule!?!?!  If I wrote it, I leave it.  That's that.

But really, I didn't think I'd be writing these still after three years.  And if I was, I didn't think this would have become such an extension of me.  Oh, there is also something else to celebrate with this entry... and we allllllll know how much I love to commemorate occasions!

THE THREE YEAR

ANNIVERSARY OF

MUSINGS OF A SELF-PROCLAIMED AUTHOR

AND THE

100TH BLOG! 

Who knew I had that much shit to write about?  Not this guy, and I write books!  ::tosses hair::

Originally the blog was supposed to just be an outlet for me when I had something on my mind but then it transformed into something quite different with "26 Golden Things" and all that project entailed.  When the project was wrapped and I was left scratching my head, the blog transformed yet again with the monthly updates and then Random Things... and eventually it just became a way to share my funny, weird, often sad and always kinda dumb life.  The excitement, the misery, and even as the description of the blog says, "the day-to-day trials and tribulations."  I wasn't far off in my original statement, was I?

I think in the year that has passed since I last sat down to write one of these iterations, the biggest change has been that I've started doing what I originally set out to do.  It took me 8 months to get my book ready for publishing this year, and I'm already hot on the heels of getting the second out in the early part of 2015.  I didn't think that would happen.

I won't say writing the "iteration" blogs has caused me to start acting on my words, because that would best be left for the "new resolution" blogs that happen every January 1st.  But really, when you run out of big things to do that are new to you, you might as well turn back and set your sights on the ideas and stories (because I'm an author, natch) that you thought would make you a big deal in the first place.

Am I a big deal yet?  No, not really, but sometimes I like to fantasize about the day I catch my big break.  If that Stephanie Meyer can write a turd like Twilight, I don't see why I can't as well.

And yes, I realize I referred to my book as a turd.  But I wrote it and can't erase it, because, y'know... fuckin' rules.

A lot is going to happen in this next year.  Some of it is speculation (moving away before I turn 30, as I planned on doing), and some of it is just basic fact (publishing two more books).  It's both scary and thrilling for me to think about the changes that are going to come, but in the same respect it has been scary and thrilling to see the changes that have already occurred over the last three years of writing about them.

Two bests were married, one got engaged, one ended an engagement and one was already married when she came into the mix.  I've switched jobs, I've experienced heartbreak both romantically and not, and the pursuit of learning how to be happy through my own means continues daily.  The blog has hit 9,694 views in the last three years and half of that number is from this last year alone.  Will I hit 20,000 before the next 100 are written?  I don't know.

But I think we should all find out together.  Here's to the fourth iteration, my wonderful friends and family and fans, and especially to anyone who just takes the time to read the words a once self-proclaimed author thought he should write down.  You all mean the world to me.

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