the september update: second edition

When September ends, can you officially say summer is over?  I think so, though this last weekend was kinda humid and in the 80's which sure as shit felt like summer to me.  Is it all about the weather?  Seems to be, but apparently September's all about birthdays too, because there were so many of them throughout the month that I missed more than a couple entirely.  And if I missed your birthday, I apologize tremendously.  To quote Eddie Izzard, "I was dead at the time!"

I also can't spell "apologize" without spelling it with two p's first.  Thank god my only rule with the blog applies to not deleting any thoughts I write.  I can always correct the spelling, otherwise you'd know how dumb I really am.

Speaking of editing things, how about a lesson for y'all?  Anytime I go back to work on a book, I take with me a red pen.  Very rarely have I run out of ink when it was time to edit a book, but I think it's happened maybe twice on two separate projects in the last 14 years where I had to start a second pen.

With my second novel in its current state, I am on my fourth red pen.  I also still have 140 pages left to edit.

At the top of the left page, near the right hand corner, you see a small arrow.  On the right page, you see a bigger arrow.  Those aim for the opposite sides of their pages, where you will see the amount of work added to the scenes, respectively.

Wanna know the best notes I could ever leave for myself?  The fun little ones you see to the left of that red dialogue that says "expand."  How elusive sounding!  Expand!  And y'know what?  Nothing makes me want to go back in time and bitch-slap myself more than seeing that word!

Expand!

Expand!

EXPAND!

None of this is to say the book is bad, because it is quite the opposite.  There is just a lot of material that needs to be added to not only tie it more directly to Episode I, but to also expand on the new characters and direct you (the reader) toward the ultimate goal.  It's just a lot of work, and really it has taken up all of my free time in the month of September.  Every day off, every evening off, I am working on this.  I cannot wait to finish the edit so I can type it up and really sink my teeth into the continuation of Banning's journey.  A lot of my determination stems from people asking for the second book that have read the first, and that is plenty enough fire under my ass to get me going.

Other than the book there were of course other things that came about on the docket.  I was able to spend a good amount of time with all of my friends, including but not limited to rekindling my relationship with an old best, @kconn.  Coming back to an old friend that was there for so much feels a lot like coming home after a long time away.  I can't really explain why but I think the majority of you will understand what I mean.  Or not and who cares.

The only truly big event was Octoberfest, which by all intents and purposes is what ushers out summer and lets fall come high kicking through the door like Nicki Kidman at the Moulin Rouge.

I started my day at 9am downtown this past Saturday, meeting up with @markstyleme and Mr. Kloehn to begin the 2014 festivities.  I never was a big fan of Oktoberfest, and for some reason the allure of it has only captured me the last three years.  Before 2012, I'd probably been four times and never stayed for more than an hour.

One of those years I had diarrhea.

::shrugs::

2012 was the best year to start participating because it was so damn warm that day.  I was still working on the "26 Golden Things" video project and had a fantastic time filming throughout the day and drinking with my friends.  Last year it was warm but super windy to the point where it wasn't really that fun, and you kept wanting to put on a hoodie but didn't want to commit to carrying one around.  And then you have this year, without any wind and a temperature at roughly 80.  Decent.

The Mark's and I bummed up and down the avenue a couple times before grabbing some food and then each enjoying an Old Fashioned at this fantastic new bar downtown called Ambassador.  @caitcd met us there and then when the boys left us to move into their brand new house (new to them, that is), she and I began wandering up and down the avenue until running into @joleneelizabeth and continuing with her.  I started drinking a newer hard cider called Johnny Appleseed (beer gives me the worst chest pain ever within minutes of taking a sip, anyone have any ideas why?) that went down super easy.

We ate more.  We drank more.  I met up with Miss T eventually and then we split off, doing our own thing.  Eating.  Drinking.  And of course listening to music of which there was an absolute TON (and most of it was pretty excellent) this year.  The day wrapped for me around 5:30 when I decided to pack up my heels and go home.

They ran out of my drink anyway around 4:30. Pfffft.

I went back to my apartment and cleaned up a little bit in lieu of my love @jillybean coming up from Chicago to spend the night.  After quick hugs and exclamations of weight loss (she has) and long hair (mine is) we set off to meet with Miss T, Mr. J and a couple friends for dinner at Katsuya.  Does anyone else ever consistently strike out with hibachi dinner by getting the new guy?  It's not even the white guy syndrome either, because last time we went we had a white guy making dinner for us and we nicknamed him "White Lightning" because he was fuckin' amazing.

So after a somewhat lackluster dinner and enough bad jokes from whitey to fill a book, we headed out to see @kconn at his bar because he was working.  There were a lot of drinks, there was a lot of singing, and sometime between 9am when my day started and 1am when my day ended, I lost my voice.  But the memories of the 2014 Octoberfest will endure and for that I will of course remain eternally grateful.

Even if @jillybean spent the night on the floor of my bathroom puking.  And the morning as well.

Sorry girl, you had that coming.  Zing!

So what else happened in September?  I spent an evening killing hundreds of spiders with my trusty bucket of Orkin Home Defense and a battery powered sprayer.  I sold my old furniture, got a fantastic new sofa, and won Catch the Spirit (employee of the month) for my store AND district for the second time during my tenure at Pottery Barn.  I was catfished by a bitchy 17 year old, ate amazing southern food at the Cozzy Corner (and subsequently devoured my first hush puppy), and started listening to Christmas music.  I thought I dislocated my jaw eating ice-cream, wrote the second wedding speech I'll ever give, and of course burned the hell out of my forehead at Octoberfest for wearing my hair back in a knot all day.

Stay tuned for the next two blogs, one's about Halloween costumes and the other is of course the "Fourth Iteration" of this blog in which you find yourself, Musings of a Self-Proclaimed Author.  Coincidentally, it will also be my 100th blog.  Toodles gang!

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random truths, second edition

Alrighty, second edition here we come!  A few more random things about me that some of you may or may not know (c:

1.) I'm so stressed out about writing books that it seems to be all I ever think about anymore.  The funny thing is that where I'm at right now is the longest I have ever spent writing continuously.  I started the final edit of Episode I back in early January, finished it in mid June, and started working on Episode II right away.

I should have expected this... I think at one point I knew when I put Episode I out into the world I would be so dead focused on finishing the rest that it would consume my life.  But now that it has, I'm still somehow surprised.  It isn't necessarily a bad thing, I'm very focused right now and that's great because the work I am churning out is pretty excellent when it comes to progressing the storyline and characters.

The trouble arrives when I start to only talk about the books, and then I get panicked.  I feel like very few people actually care, and there are even less people who have read the old material that would know what I was even talking about.  We all have our torches to carry ::dramatic sigh:: 

2.) Fall makes me sad.  I say that every year, I'm fully aware, but it does.  And it really has nothing to do with being in a relationship or not, because the season always does the same thing to me.  Maybe it's not about being "sad," but instead feeling melancholy.  It's a nostalgic season, an entertaining one as always (Halloween, hey-o!), but overall it's the "slow down" time of year and that's always an adjustment.

Everything is starting to die, from the flowers shriveling up to the leaves on the trees falling away.  It rains a lot more, coffee dates and cuddling up with loved ones or fuzzy pets seems much more alluring, and the general darkness of daylight begins to set in.  The warmth is starting to leave the air and there's a certain crispness that is at once ideal because it unlocks the better part of a wardrobe and at the same time is such a bummer because it means the cold snap of winter is not far away.  It's time to cozy up, stay indoors, and withdraw your grand plans of outdoor life that you somehow didn't live up to in the summer like you thought and will now have to shelve for the next 6 months.

Or 8 months if you live in Wisconsin like I do.

3.) I used to be so terrified to move away from here that the thought was almost crippling.  It is what stopped me from attending a college more than five minutes from home.  Over time the thought process has changed and more often than not I find myself now weighing the pro's and con's as you should with any major decision.  Like a Venn diagram, only it's in my head and not drawn in two huge circles like boobs in front of me.  

I should probably draw one anyway.

The pro's keep adding up though, and eventually they'll reach a fever pitch where I just say "fuck it" and throw caution to the wind, packing up my bags and getting the hell out of dodge with two cats in tow.  I said I'd like to be out of Appleton by the time I'm 30 and the awkward reality is that turning 30 is hardly more than a year away.  I won't feel like a failure if I don't get out of here by then, but I am good at setting goals for myself and striving to achieve them.  (As evidenced here, here, here, and here.)  Plain and simple it just feels good to set out to do something and have it so gloriously come to life before your eyes.  To be proud of yourself for something you did on your own is a terrific feeling.  I don't see why moving away should be so different.

4.) On Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year, my awesome boss is going to be having her third baby (a girl, as yet unnamed).  It's very exciting, not just for the fact that she is having a baby but the fact that for the first time in 10 years of retail, I am going to be the acting General Manager of a store.  Two years ago I wouldn't have had any what the hell I was doing, but right now I am going into the holiday season with my head held high and a certain level of adrenaline and excitement raging inside of me.

It's a fantastic feeling and is compounded by the fact that AFTER the season is over and she is back to work, I will be signed off on as a General Manager.  Meaning I can go anywhere in the company... meaning that move away from Wisconsin is suddenly going to be much more real and a whooooole lot easier.

5.) It's been mentioned quite vaguely a couple times over the last three years that I've been writing blogs, and now it's time to share the story.  The poop in the fitting rooms story, that is.  Enjoy.

You said it, lady.

I was minding my own business, executing a floorset and smiling politely at customers I didn't really want to deal with.  Normal day at Express.  A girl asked if she could be let into the fitting rooms and I of course obliged, directing her to the side fits at Express in the Fox River Mall.  There were four rooms, three of them "normal" rooms and the last one being a handicap room.  The first three were occupied so I let her in the handicap room and said I'd be back in a bit to check on her.

No more than five minutes later, another girl wanted to try on clothes.  I took her to the fits, knocked on the first three doors (believing the handicap room was still occupied) and then said we were all full.  I didn't see a shadow moving in the fourth room, however, and decided to just knock and see if the girl had left or not.  

No answer.

So I open the door to let the customer in and see that there is coffee spilled all over the floor.  The third door opens on cue and a customer leaves.

"You can just take that one," I said, "I think someone spilled coffee in here."  So I let her into the room.  Meanwhile, there is a lady standing at the end of the fitting rooms by Go-Back racks while she waits for a friend.  I glance down at her and she chuckles.

"Someone spilled coffee?" She asked with that oh-I-feel-sorry-for-you tone.

"I think so," I said, opening the door again and looking in the room.  No clothes, no hangars, just the coffee.  So I leaned in a little bit and then the smell hit me.  I recoiled and looked down at the woman a dozen feet away.  "It's not coffee."

"What?" she said, looking up from her phone.  "What is it?"  I looked again.

"Oh my god it's poop."  She gets this horrified face (I probably shouldn't have said anything in hindsight) and then I called for the other managers.  "Trish, Mark, come to the side fits.  Someone shit all over the floor."

So of course they come running over and we are all giggling and making the appropriate gag sounds.  Around this point I'm wondering how the girl I had let in had accomplished this task and gotten away with it so effortlessly.  It quickly becomes apparent that my two comrades will NOT be cleaning this up, so instead of calling a hazmat team as we should have, I determinedly walked over the men's side of the store and grabbed a long-sleeved henley and then marched into the back room and grabbed cleaning supplies.

I'll just take care of it myself, damnit.

Tying the henley around my nose and mouth and then tucking it down into the collar of my shirt, I doubled up my gloves and started sopping the mess up.  It was about three feet off the ground where it had hit the mirror, streaked down, and detonated all over the tile floor.  As I'm wiping it up and putting it in a trash bag, I see a weird streak trailing away from the mirror and leading under the bench.  So I leaned forward to see what it was.

Well, it was about 6 inches long, rubber, clear, cone shaped, and with a white/black double helix running up the inside of it.  It was a butt-plug.

Of course I went straight to Facebook with it.

To this day, four years later, I don't know what could have possibly possessed a 21-ish year old girl, maybe 5'6", very polite and quite thin, to come shopping at the mall with a butt-plug firmly shoved up her tush.  Or not so firmly, as it were.  Whether it was due to a combination of Taco Bell or whatever sort of gut-rot hell she was in, either way you look at it, her ass exploded in the fitting rooms at Express with a velocity that probably sent her airborne across the cramped space.

I wonder if she has shared the story nearly as much as I have?  Surely not.  And for as foul and nasty as it was to have to clean that up, I'd still take it any day over cleaning up vomit.

A boy has to have his standards.

6.) When I sit down to write new material, I gauge what kind of mood the scene is going to be that I'm about to write.  Is it an action scene?  A fight scene?  Dialogue?  Is it sad?  Am I killing someone off (again)?  Whatever the mood, I pick music to suit it.

And I don't pick music with words... music you'd hear on the radio, per se.  I pick movie scores, of which I have 1,829 songs.

I find that writing to instrumental music puts me in a mindset so perfectly that it then directly influences the words coming out of my fingers.  Amazing, actually, because it just pulls emotions out of me.  I doubt I could write anything the way I do if I didn't have this system in place, but I'd certainly like to read what I would write if that were the case.  Some perennial favorites are the scores to Inception, Man of Steel, Tron: Legacy, Stardust, and Avatar.  

I suggest you try it sometime if you do anything that requires creative thought (painting, drawing, crafting, etc.)  Maybe it'll make a difference in your work too?

7.) In less than a month, my best friend of the last 16 years, @klreynol, will be moving very far away.  

It absolutely breaks my heart.  There's not much more to say about it.  

8.) I'm that annoying person who has to have everything in order all the time, especially when it comes to my music in iTunes.  Every song I obtain (I won't say how), I will find out what the name of the album is that it came from, what track number it was, and of course I'll get the album artwork that goes with it.

I trust you're beginning to understand I have small OCD tendencies, but before you say I'm a freak, I did just go a year a half without adding those said bits of information.  It was only two weeks ago when I accidentally deleted everything out of iTunes that I had to go back to the old habit.  Talk about a time-consuming whoopsie.

The Knightsbridge House

9.) When I was five years old we moved to a house on Knightsbridge Lane in Redlands, CA.  For some reason, one night when it was time for bed I decided to spout off something to my mother.  I said it to her every single night for the next seven years.  If I was spending the night somewhere, I'd either tell her before I left or call home to tell her.

"Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite.  You're beautiful, you're lovely, you're pretty, you dress nice, you have beautiful makeup.  See you later alligator."  And then she'd always say: "After a while crocodile."  

And then my life would feel complete.

10.) Adults with tiny baby teeth and enormous gums; I could stop right there and you'd know what I'm talking about.

We've all seen 'em, we all know how we feel.  I know not everyone in the world has perfect teeth and a perfect amount of gums, but it doesn't stop me from shuddering when I see it.  Am I alone here?  I don't feel bad sharing this.  After-all, the blog you currently find yourself in is "random truths," and it doesn't get any more fuckin' random than that.

Ciao!

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another fail for sean

I recently met someone.  I shouldn't say I met him, because we never actually met.  We met online.  And after a week and a half of fantastic conversation, witty banter, emotional tugs and thoughts of the possible future, the little affair is over.

I feel like I've run a marathon and lost, and I feel like I did when things I ended with Ken.

Left behind without a choice.

It's funny, really, because I never even met the guy in person.  How crazy is that?  Am I one of "those" people now?  So desperate for a connection that I latch on to the first good looking person that gives me a chance and lose said chance when I finally question if I'm being catfished?  Was it so wrong to say it was feeling too good to be true?  And further more, does that mean I actually WAS being catfished?

For those not in the know:
catfished; having a relationship of any sort on social media with someone who is not who they say they are, by using another person's pictures and/or living a totally different lifestyle from what they told you.

And it sucks.  Plainly, simply, and yet somehow infinitely, it sucks.  I'm torn about it because I also feel like I have no right to be upset.  We never hugged, held hands, kissed, or even set on eyes on each other... so what claim do I have to feeling such solid emotions?  I dunno.

Maybe it's the realization at how incredibly alone I feel right now.  Not "suicidal" alone, I would never even contemplate that so don't even venture down that path, but I feel alone.  And I feel that I'm ready to love, and more than ready to be loved.  And I no longer think there is anything wrong with feeling I deserve that, but I have to wonder why it is so hard for me to let people in to even give them the chance.  Why is that so difficult for me?

I don't get "real" very often in this thing because some thoughts are best kept close to the heart, but today, in this moment, with however small I feel right now... I also feel that if I don't get it out of me I'm going to burst.  And if I burst I'm going to lash out and take people down with me, and that's not fair nor something I want.

Now I'm laughing because I'm crying and it is just so ridiculous.

I live on my own, which you know.  I pay for everything myself, I never ask for money, and I rarely if ever ask for help from the people in my life for random things.  I have a successful career, I've published my first novel at 28 years old, I have a nice car, a small but wonderful group of friends, and of course a loving family.  But still, I go home to the place I pay for, all alone... and I sit alone... and I listen to music and write words down that probably don't mean much to anyone but me, and it just sucks.  It sucks.

I don't mean to unload on you but if I can't unload here then I can't anywhere.  And even though all of you are silent to me, and never really say anything, it somehow helps to think you're all on my side through this roller coaster I call a life and choose to share with you.  It's embarrassing to have this happen, to myself or anybody else, and it's embarrassing to share whether I was catfished or just gambled and lost.  Maybe it serves as a reminded to people who do this kind of thing, if that is any of you, and that it's a really awful thing to do to a person.  That there are consequences to your actions.

I have to believe that someone who could turn their emotions off so completely, in only a matter of hours, couldn't have been real from the start... but I don't know that.  Because if it sounded real, it looked real, and it felt real in my heart... who is to say it wasn't?  Not me.

Ever the eternal optimist.

 

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the august update: second edition

My oh my, where did summer go?  Seems like I just packed up my sweaters and jackets a few days ago, and it's already getting to the point where you need to think about layering again.  Not that it was the warmest summer ever, of course.  Summer 2014 was pretty bullshit when it came to the weather in northeast Wisconsin.  But we do what we do and that's why we live here.

And why I want to move away from here, hey-o!

Right now though it's super humid outside (I believe I referred to it as "an armpit" yesterday) and I'm thankful for a light breeze and several fans in my apartment.  Oscillating fans, not "fan" fans.  Because I'm a published author now, you know, and stilllllll waiting for my Kathy Bates to come calling.  Hope ya'll get that reference!

I'm actually not going to talk about the book at all in this blog, mostly because I'm sick of it.  But should you like to know, you can read about the release of the book here and you can read about my publishing experience here.

This was a very emotional month for me.  Honestly and truly.  I cried a lot (said I wouldn't talk about the book and here I go) about publishing and what it ultimately meant.  I was emotional over that to an extent that shocked me and ranged in all sorts of ways.  But there were other things as well including but not limited to my future, @klreynol deciding she'd be moving away, and the death of Robin Williams that hit me a lot harder than I'd have ever thought a celebrity death would (recounted here).

But August wasn't all sad and there was actually a lot in it that I was able to enjoy to the fullest.  And like the quote above says, feelings are just visitors and you've got to let them come and go.  No use in holding on.

We had the great fortune of hot weather on a Saturday this month, and even better that it was for @caitcd's bachelorette party and we were spending it floating down the river.  It bums me out that as I've gotten older I've spent less time on the river each summer, but getting at least one trip in quiets the beast within me.  Especially with a fews bests like @caitcd and @markstyleme.

I think partly because it's such a drive (an hour and a half) is why I don't go as often, but another reason probably has to do with people are just too busy now.  And that's never a good thing because we should always make time for a little bit of fun.  Scheduling conflicts tend to rise at a consistent pace though, especially in the summer, and especially when you're friends primarily with creative types that have all kinds of projects and things going on.

But for one day we were all able to get together and go rolling down the river (cue Tina Turner reference) and it was fantastic.  @caitcd got a pretty gross cut on her foot right away, I ended the trip with a little cut as well, but in between there was a lot of drinking and snacking and jumping off trees and spotting turtles and anything else that comes with a hot day in the sun on the water.  You can just forget about your responsibilities for a few blissful hours and enjoy the company around you.

I was nominated by my sister to do the ALS ice-bucket challenge this month.  I had it in my head what I would do were someone to nominate me and I didn't think it was going to happen, but alas it did.  I'm not a big charity person.  I donate once a year to the Human Rights Campaign and that's about it.  But if I get challenged to do things then I will partake because I try to be a good sport, and this was a prime example.

They give you 24 hours to respond to the challenge and I knew I wouldn't be able to get my video together in time, so I donated and then filmed it the following weekend.  I was lucky enough to have my parents be more than willing to help out and I assume it's because they wanted to jump at the opportunity to douse their son in two buckets of water.  And the hose.  And then again with the water remaining in the buckets after I'd stopped recording.

I had Lane help me out a little bit too, which you can see below.

While we're on this topic, I've just got to state for the record that I am not schizophrenic.  Nor do I have multiple personality disorder.  I make these videos (and the pictures, I suppose) as a way to be creative and to give myself something to do when I'm bored.  It's an outlet that allows me to flex my artistic side and hopefully give people a chuckle in the process.  Any references to me being mentally unstable can go ahead and desist from here on out, because it kinda annoys me.  Thank you (c:

::eye starts twitching and I start speaking in tongues::

Aside from those two bigger things it was just a month to wind down summer, as it usually is.  The leaves start turning a lighter shade of green and you grow increasingly annoyed with the heat and for that ONE week of miserable humidity you think about the allure of a blustery fall day.  The countdown for school to resume begins, people like me who work retail start the countdown to holiday, and the world just keeps right on spinning.

So what else happened in August?  Had not one but TWO parties for my book, went to a bonfire that sported green fire, blocked out all of my second book and subsequently started re-editing it, and got myself a fancy author page on Amazon.com.  I reconnected with an old best, documented the frogs around my apartment, and reveled in the amount of people my book has made cry so far.  Celebrate your victories!

September will have three blogs (I have to plan ahead now because the fourth iteration is approaching quickly and that'll be a very special one) and I just noticed I've passed 9,000 views.  Think we can push it to 10,000 by the end of the year?  I think so!  Mostly because you're all so great (c:

Until then, toodles gang (c:

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