Of which they can't because I'm home alone right now and the cats aren't in here.
Anyway.
February has ended and with it goes the brutalness of winter (I've decided), my tenure as the Acting General Manager of my store, and the stress that has permeated my life the last few months. Those are three really big things in my eyes but I understand if they aren't to you. And I don't care either! This blog won't be so much about what happened in February in my day-to-day life, but more so a retrospective look at what life in general has been since Thanksgiving and why I'm over the MOON it's finally changing.
I first heard I'd be taking over the store as the Acting General Manager in April(ish) of last year. It wasn't a super huge shocker Courtney was pregnant, I knew she and her husband had been trying for a third baby so the fact that it worked was just logic. And science! The next several months were spent vaguely prepping for her departure. Admittedly I didn't have my nose to the grindstone to take over as much as I should have (hindsight being 20/20 right about now). The vast majority of my focus was spent on publishing The Onyxus Chronicles: Episode I in August, then the double whammy of Halloween and @klreynol moving to Arizona in October. Suddenly it was November 1st, and in the blink of an eye everything seemed so much closer.
We hired five holiday employees which was all I thought we needed, two of them being my bests @caitcd and @kconn, as well as a friend Pam that I'd known since moving to Wisconsin in 1997. People I knew I could (and would) rely on. Aside from hiring them, I think I marched forward with that stubborn determination I usually resign myself to that I'm sure some of you know all too well. "I can do this, no problem! Nothing will change, it'll just be business as usual and no one will fuck it up for me. Watch out world, I've got my sassy pants on and I'm rarin' to go!"
Aaaaand I was wrong.
I think miracles happen in small doses or weird circumstances, and from stage left enters Derek. I met him in early November and by the 17th we were officially a "thing." I didn't know at the time how much I'd come to lean on him for both emotional and physical support (more on that later) during my tenure as the boss, but like I said... miracles happen in small doses. A few days later Courtney had her baby girl (a week early) and then it was sink or swim time.
Black Friday went smoothly in all honesty, but I knew it would. It wasn't a big deal because it was my third at this store and my 11th (groan, I know) in retail. By this point it was just routine. You go through the paces, you eat a lot of food that people bring in that day, you laugh about a few shitheads you dealt with or regale people with stories of Black Friday's past. Then the day's over.
After Black Friday, things kind of started to shift out of my favor.
Down our Bedding aisle with Carol Brady hair intact,
this is the face of me on Black Friday morning. Full of life!
Two employees quit on me, a third needing spine surgery in her neck that would take her out of commission for two months. The mall manager told me that because of Eddie Bauer building a new store, they'd be taking over a portion of our 1,000 square foot off-site storage facility. This meant we would have to move into a new location by the end of January, comprised of several weird hallways and a room of maybe 500 square feet. This meant not only physically moving several several dozens of boxes, but selling off old/sale/damaged/boxed merchandise to make sure it all fit. I started getting sick. I became very sick and eventually landed in the hospital for it.
The days started to get longer, the questions from associates and other managers started to grow in frequency. Because of me being the "one in charge" I was also suddenly the only one it seemed could answer questions. About anything, from anyone. All the time.
Do you know how frustrating that is?
Let me rephrase that. Do you know how FUCKING FRUSTRATING that is?
But life goes on and I learned to deal with it. Not everything needed an immediate answer, not everything needed to be able to interrupt a dinner date with friends or movie-time with Derek. The fact that I still allowed it to do so was on me and I know that. I'm a worrier (and I'm polite, natch) so I had to reply as soon as I could.
In conjunction with that, the gossip behind my back started. I know people gossip, they do it all the time. I do it too, don't get me wrong. Going into this position I knew there would be certain individuals that would say "Courtney would do this better" or "Courtney would never allow this to happen," and that's fine. She and I are very different people that run things differently and in a way, that's probably why we make such an effective team. But this was mean gossip, words that not only embarrassed me but more than once just flat out hurt my feelings. I expected it from one or two of the team but not from some of the others. And that really sucked. I would look these people in their respective faces and know what they had said, very aware they had no idea I had been informed of the fact. I know it's a tired cliche to say but I realized how High School is never really over.
Bitches gonna bitch.
I reached out to my big boss about some of it and subsequently received no help. I didn't get a returned phone call or e-mail or even a text message about it until two weeks later, at which point I said "fuck it" and let it go because it didn't matter anymore. This was of course after the holidays had passed (that I'd been sick all the way through) and after the guilt-trips were handed to me for DARING to be sick Christmas Eve. Because there is nothing worse in the whole wide world than taking a day off after being in the hospital for 11 hours the day before.
At this point in my story, anything I share becomes a double edged sword because there is really no way to explain the rest without sounding like a total whiner. And really, the amount of people I whined to consisted of Derek and two friends. I didn't even talk to @klreynol about most of it because I was constantly exhausted and it wasn't worth it to bring up every little thing. I utilized a song in the January Update called "Solo Dancing" and it paraphrases everything nicely. You need a couple people to vent to but as an adult, you just force a grin and keep trudging forward.
Four weeks later and almost through December, on yet another
(sometimes twice daily) conference call. Starting to look run down.
I just don't want you to get the impression that I felt like I'd been shit on all over and then put out to pasture. I mean, I did feel that way, but I didn't let on. Because there was no point. And if I felt that way, it was because I couldn't stop worrying about everything. I lobbied for this position, I received it (and a raise) and I would do my time like a good soldier. Or retail worker, as it were. One in the same if you think about it!
The holidays were over, New Year's came and went, and things were somewhat settling down. My health was finally improving and I was feeling a little bit more calm than I had been with the stress ebbing away. Then things started shifting again because if everything's going your way, expect shit storms. Another associate quit. Then a full-time MANAGER gave me her six day notice. I had to start getting offsite moved to the new location. And to top it all off, the month of January is always a solid month of prepping for physical inventory. Then I got sick with influenza.
I shouldered through, groaning as little as possible and trying not to go for martyrdom in doing things mostly by myself. It should be noted that I had fantastic help from my other managers, from my stock team, and from several associates as well. It should also be noted that the associates who weren't a fantastic help were at least trying to be. And of course it goes without saying that a couple of them just didn't care at all.
You get that now and then.
My stress levels started spiking out of control and my quality of life took a plunge. Being constantly sick, with hair that was falling out and breaking off, and an attitude that was becoming less than stellar, I was starting to only focus on the end. Focus on Courtney coming back.
The old offsite before anything had been sold off or moved out. Headache.
The last day of moving off-site in late January.
I clearly look like hell.
We made it through January, warts and all, then we made it through inventory as well with very few hiccups. The rest of February was spent with my eyes on the prize and trying to ignore any bitterness aimed toward me. The bottom line of running a store is "are you making money?" and we were. We did just fine and that's all that matters. Some feelings may have been hurt along the way, some opinions may have been formed or changed, but what's done is done and there is no going back. Would I have been in a different mindset had this happened in the summer? Sure. Would I have done a better job if I had the foresight to hire for a larger staff to alleviate the stress of everyone having to work all the time? Yes. But again, what's done is done. Live and learn.
Toward the end of everything I reached the point that I was crying all the time. I'd drive home from work and cry. I'd sit at the desk in my office at home at night and try to work on the book and I'd cry. I tried very hard and was mostly successful in keeping it hidden from people, but there were a few moments sprinkled in there where people saw through the facade. The people who even knew there was a facade. I got sick again, this time almost worse than the others because on top of the fevers and awful headaches, I lost my voice entirely. You ever get to the point where the littlest, stupidest thing will set you off? If no, you're lucky. Because it's bullshit when you do.
I like to be a positive person in as many aspects of my life as possible, it's just easier that way. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and I rarely if ever go for confrontation. But having this job pushed me out of my comfort zone and a lot of the ideals and morals I exhibited were washed away. I didn't like who I became. I had no time for artistic endeavours outside of work, no time for friends, no time for writing. Derek, my helper and friend and listener and confidant and a million other things.... I made the time for him, but that was it. Outside of him I was just too exhausted to even think about. And I missed people. I missed my family and my friends and writing. Writing blogs, writing my books, writing notes to people, it all fell by the wayside.
But that's what's good about temporary positions, isn't it? You get the chance to experience something and to learn and hopefully grow from it. Ideally, without consequences. I love kids, and some day I would like to have one or two, but for now I'm happy to play with the children of my friend's and then, y'know, give them back. That's what this position was like. "Sure, I'll play for a while. When are we done?"
Courtney came back to work on Saturday the 28th, coincidentally the last day of the month. On Friday I felt like it was the last day of school for me because I knew it was coming to an end. Nothing was phasing me and the day was going by super fast and easy because I was carefree. Working with her on Saturday, the stress just lifted off of me. I felt alive and exuberant and free and happy.
Saying I felt happy makes me choke up right now because I didn't realize how unhappy I was.
Like I said, 20/20 in hindsight.
Saturday evening after my nieces birthday party, Derek and I went downtown to play cribbage with Mr. & Mrs. V at a bar. It was a refresher course for me and a new endeavour for Derek. The whole evening I felt like I had just finished running a marathon. Not in the "Whoooo, I'm wiped out!" way, but the "Shitballs, I need to sit and think about what just went down." While we were sitting there setting up for another game, Courtney sent me a text message.
"Thanks for a great first day back. You should feel really proud of all the hard work you did over the past months."
It wasn't much, it wasn't a glowing commendation with songs of praise, but my throat got a little tight. I showed Derek the text and he smiled and rubbed my leg under the table because he knew what it meant to me to read that. Because, what it really boiled down to, was that I wanted to do her proud. I wanted to hand the store back in the same condition it was handed to me, maybe a little worse for wear because of the trials and tribulations it went through in her absence, but the same none the less.
You can be told a million times by your friends that you are doing a good job, but really you just want to hear it from the person you look up to. And I look up to Courtney very much.
In the end after all of the crap and nastiness I am still happy for this experience. It taught me that yes I can do the job but maybe it's not the best position for me. Not right now at least. I never thought stress could do so much to a person but I wholly believe now that it can be a real monster. I was lucky enough to have a safety net around me in the form of a boyfriend and a few people I call my bests, but without them I would have been lost. I'm happy to step down and back into my role as the right-hand man, because I'm really good at it. And it'll be nice to start doing a job again that I know I'm really good at.
So what else happened in February? I didn't fuck up inventory, got some blond put back into my now healing hair, and continued to beat Derek at video games. Made a little more room in my life for him, booked a trip to my future home, and made it to the dentist and back without any cavities or other problems. Said goodbye to a real piece of shit person, said hello to a few old (good) friends, and spent Valentine's Day weekend secluded with the man I love. Any man who can get me to smile like that deserves the title (c:
It was a long month (and a longer season) but with March I feel like the tide is turning and the gates are open for me to move onward to bigger things. I need to finish the second book to keep my target date of May 1st for publishing. I need to get some color when I go on vacation in a couple weeks to Arizona and Texas. And most importantly I need to start planning for the rest of the year now that I have the mental space to do so. After All, I've got a New Year's Resolution to keep.
Toodles gang (c:
Like what you saw? Follow me on Facebook! I can always use another fan (c:
Purchase "The Onyxus Chronicles: Episode I" HERE!
Like the book? Follow The Onyxus Chronicles on Facebook!
