the thirteenth iteration

More and more, I find that when I write a blog about what the future should hold, it really just... doesn't hold it. 

::take a beat for applause and insert a laugh track here::

Whether that's because I ended up rebelling against my initial plans or I was too lazy to drag them into the light, I dunno. I guess it's essential to have plans of one kind or another, right? Proving (maybe to only yourself) that you still can dream of doing something, of bettering yourself or your situation through a carefully (re: hastily) thought out plan. Choosing to dream instead of being resigned to the facts of life is where I tend to operate most of the time; my mind rests in a world often much different than the one I actually occupy.

A year ago, I was in the cigarette-butt-strewn gutter of life, unsure what in gay hell I was doing and perhaps at the lowest spot I'd ever found myself in as an adult. My health was in serious question, my heart was in peril from an emotional standpoint, and overall I was just miserable. I marveled in the blog at how different it had been a year earlier... and I marvel again today at how I have yo-yo'd so much through all of this. We can explore it all together right now in this, my favorite blog that I get to write every October:

The Twelve Year Anniversary for

Musings of a 

Self-Proclaimed Author

At this moment, I'm sitting in a leather armchair in Boston, Massachusetts, plucking away at my keyboard after casually checking my work e-mail. I've been on vacation for a few days now, visiting Andrew at his current home in Portland, Maine, for a few days before moving onward to Boston. From here, I'll head to Arizona, visiting Katie and her family for another several days of October goodness. The windows are open in the living room, I've got socks on, and though my feet are cold, my heart feels warm. I am warm in the thoughts of all the possibilities that are before me, which feel so much more open and grandiose than they ever have before. 

Maybe it's because I work a remote job and have been out of retail for just a few weeks shy of a year? Maybe it's because I'm finally old enough, and possibly mature enough, to see the components of my life for what they are and keep them in the tidy compartments I feel they should be in? One doesn't necessarily affect the other any longer, and they all don't blur together in an "oh my god, everything is falling apart, and I don't know where to even BEGIN!" kind of way.

Amazing how that can change in just a year, right? Last October, I was only slightly considering a move away from Minnesota, which came to reality in March when I sold my house and purchased a new home in Wisconsin. I was diagnosed with Meniere's disease at the end of last September. I took that like a punch to the gut, but have now determined it was most likely a false diagnosis (unless it wasn't and has just been a dormant issue (I think the tremendous stress and anxiety I was under, coupled with my TMJ from not having a bite guard at night to stop me from grinding my teeth, were responsible for creating the symptoms associated with the disease)). 

And then retail, after 19 long years, finally had completely and utterly burned me out as a human. I was a shell of my current self, so unsure of what I wanted to do... who I wanted to be... who I wanted to be with. 

That has all shifted and rearranged. 

Some of it I will cover in blogs coming up, and others might have to wait a while longer just to see how they play out. I've always been content with the long game, and these things are really no different. No longer do I feel a rush to get something over with or explain it or to seek understanding; I just let it come and unfold as it does. Not that it's always good to operate that way, but I accept it. I became pretty fond this year of explaining myself as "not having the bandwidth" for certain things. While I do sometimes groan at the expression, it's accurate, and it's valid. I need to put limits on the expectations of people around me, and I need to be true to myself and stand up for what I am willing to do and NOT willing to do. It isn't always a success, particularly when it comes to the feelings and emotions of other people who sometimes are jilted by this thought process... but for me, it's part of the learning.

I disappointed some people this year, and I know that. I feel bad about it, also. In the journey of self-discovery... of learning how to not only defend yourself, but to also be proactive in expressing your views/thoughts/opinions/emotions/etc, not everyone gets a win. Not everyone lands their goal or hits it out of the park. Sometimes that sucks. While I intend to be upfront with people nowadays to spare myself the regrets I've always held in staying silent, it isn't always in favor of others. Hell, it's not even in the favor of "me" sometimes.

So what do I want going forward? What do I intend to do differently or change? Recently I've been going back through the blogs and trying to determine why I wrote as much as I did in the past. In recent years, I blamed it on not having anything to talk about. That's true mostly, but it was also because I felt no reason to write about really anything. It took bigger life moments (or obligations to anniversary blogs) to get me to compose something. Looking back, once the Golden Year process was over at the end of 2012, I started writing monthly updates. Sometimes they were a real chore to produce, but looking back I am so happy that I did because I feel that it was when I was at my best. It got me to sit and acknowledge what I was doing for the 30ish days prior, and if there were things I wanted to add or change or remove going forward. They are these beautiful snapshots of who I was and what I was going through and hopefully what I was learning at the time, but I pushed it all aside. When I announced that I was stopping back in 2017, it was because I no longer had the bandwidth for it.

There's that word again.

I had relationship issues with Derek, and I had become a General Manager with Pottery Barn, and the draining of my soul had truly begun in Minneapolis. There wasn't much left to share with anyone else outside of my immediate circle. Seeing as that's not the case anymore, I gradually have gotten to a place where I want to start sharing my life again. Last year I created the "restoring_sean" Instagram account, where I will document my journey through renovating houses and what I learned about the process and myself along the way. I've not posted anything on there yet, but the groundwork is laid out now. All of the photos and videos are collected for my first two houses, and I have 1,800 pictures to go through of my current house so that I can start revealing more about The Estate soon enough as well.

That's what this winter is for, at least! Generating CONTENT again! And it'll get there, I promise; I just need to figure out how and when to do it. But having the intent... having the dream... is what counts. I just need a little poke in the back to do it. 

Until then, ciao (c: