It's hard when you're misunderstood.
Especially when you write a lot. And by writing a lot, I mean writing blogs specifically.
I've spent 12 years in this forum, taking random stabs at explaining who I am, what I stand for, and what I believe. Sometimes, it's hidden beneath clever prose, and other times, there's no cleverness at all. The problem with this is that you create a version of yourself for the world to view that maybe isn't reflective of who you truly are. This problem does not reside solely in blogs, of course, because it stretches to the real world as well. Your friends, your family, and your loved ones are all in the audience.
Not to infer that simply what YOU say is what forms their opinion... they have eyes and ears and watch and learn, just like anyone else. This means in the public forum, there are, at any given moment, dozens of "versions" of you that exist since everyone knows you and understands you in a different way. You are the leader of this pack, hopefully, in knowing yourself the best.
I've always been so worried about what people think of me. When I was younger, it was very specific in regards to my looks and my weight and what I was wearing, as is the case with most young adults, especially gay male young adults. The notion that everyone is watching and criticizing your every move is so stupid but also so overwhelming.
As I've gotten older, this has transitioned to a fear of what people think of my decisions. That is because it is my decisions that can affect the perception of who I am as an individual to others. Never mind making a rash decision for myself and learning from the consequences, never mind doing something out of character because I thought, "Hey, I got nothin' to lose!" It's best not to rock the boat of what people assume about you and your intentions and your thoughts. After all, they've gotten to know you and understand you and form an opinion of you over the years... who are you to question that in them?
Note the sarcasm there, please, because it's oozing.
I left Facebook in November of 2020 because I felt like people believed a particular notion about me... a happy life told through status updates and photos that only ever showed things in the best light. This isn't a new thing to talk about, really, because that's the poison of social media in general. We build a false reality that mostly doesn't exist as presented, almost solely for other people to feel jealous or entertained by it. Instagram is much the same, but I felt like the narrative was different there, just enough at least for me to keep it. And I don't regret either decision.
But let me tell you about me now and who I am.
Because I'm complicated.
I'm happy for the most part. I'm sad in a lot of others, maybe too many. There is no balance between these emotions, and they're definitely not mutually exclusive of one another.
I'm lonely, truth be told.
I'm lonely almost all of the time.
I always have an idea of things I can do around the house, sure... projects I can begin or end or conceive of, if I grant them the time. I view these as distractions. I can read a book, I can watch TV or a movie. I can cook or bake something. I have ideas on what I can be, but I have no idea who or what that person is outside of my house.
And I'm lonely.
I visit with my friends, and then I go home to be alone. They stay with their families, be it children or spouses or whatever, when I leave to go back home. Alone. Where I have... projects? Yes, where I have my projects to keep me company. And I have my cats, of course, and while I love my cats... I have my cats.
Recently I've been vocal to friends and family about my intent on shifting things. I'm not gonna go into much detail on how in this blog, because it's premature to do so, but I will in due course. The reveal of said shifting has been met with surprise. Part of that has to do with what is shared on the daily with people, of course, or the lack of what is shared. But it's also because of a misperception about me.
"But aren't you happy doing your thing?" Nope, as illustrated above.
"What about your writing?" Haven't written anything for a book since February.
"You have house projects though!" Sure as shit do, but that does not a life make.
"What about finding someone to date?" Easier said than done, and I don't wanna say or do.
"Aren't you worried you won't find love?" Is that what would define me? Maybe I'll be single forever, but that's for me to determine, and really, who fuckin' cares?
"I'm worried you'll get hurt." Well, I already am hurt, am hurting, and have been hurt-ed, but that's not enough to stop me. Maybe I'll get the elusive "hurt-est" if that were a thing. What an adventure for me to decide for myself!
There's this preconceived notion that you can't change your mind... or shouldn't change, maybe... because it throws things into question that friends or family believe about you. They've built a perception about who you are as an individual, at least to them, and because they hold that as your truth (whether it is or not), you end up feeling you can only operate within these boundaries.
That's not right or okay, y'know?
An individual should be allowed to do something totally uncharacteristic because they just... want to. No explanation is needed, no reasoning or justification. "Because I felt like it" should suffice. Unless it's actively harming yourself or another person, of course.
I'll be the first to admit that it's an uncomfortable feeling when someone you know incredibly well comes up to you and says "Hey, I'm gonna do this one thing!" and you in your mind think, "...da fuck? Really?"
I get that.
While I try to live my life as honestly as I can with those around me that I hold near and dear, there is an entire world beneath the surface of what you see that I just don't share. I am private about a lot of things, and only certain parties are privy to certain information at any given moment. That's how I've always been. Katie knows almost everything about me that there is to know, but there are certain aspects I keep private because they're just not topics I want to bring up on a Monday afternoon text chain with her. Were she to ask about them, of course, I'd share, but she's much the same as I in that regard. Open book to what you wanna know, but I'm not ALWAYS forthcoming about everything.
Maybe that comes down to the fear of rejection for being open and transparent? Because I'm not always transparent, I feel like people believe I'm perhaps softer than I truly am. I think people believe that because I am typically an open book, I always share all the things that are happening.
I'll tell you right now, from the bottom of my heart: I don't.
Katie sent me a poem the other day titled "Fire," and I really liked it:
when they undervalue you,
when they think
your softness is your weakness,
when they treat your kindness
like it is their advantage.
You awaken
every dragon,
every wolf,
every monster
that sleeps inside you
and you remind them
what hell looks like
when it wears the skin
of a gentle human.
It's one thing to talk big in a blog about how tough you're gonna be when it comes down to being the person you want to be. I get that. It's another thing to carry these actions out and tell people, "Hey, I'm doing this one thing because I want to," and then mosey along with your day. I get that too.
I guess the point behind all of this is that it's hard to be forthcoming with people about choices you make in your life or want to make, as it were, when your motivations for making said choices are called into question. I think it's always okay to answer a statement that surprises you with "Oh! Well, that's a new development!" Because hey, it is.
Then again, you might think it's okay to ask, "How did you reach this conclusion?" and maybe sometimes, it's okay to ask that. Other times, maybe it's not okay. You don't automatically earn the right to know every step of the process. Similarly, you don't own the right to throw wrenches in the cogs if it's a conclusion you disagree with (specifically if the conclusion doesn't actually concern you).
You just need to nod and say, "Okay, well, I'm excited for you and to see how this unfolds." The point I'm trying to make as I've written this blog is that I am going to try to be that person for my friends and family from now on. If I wasn't before, I will do my damnedest to now. My ask is that I receive the same treatment. People are pretty set in their ways by the time they reach their 30s, and as I turn 38 in a couple months... I know who I am. I know what's the best for me, what I'm willing to try, to do, to say, to think... just nod with me and say, "well, that's Sean."
Ciao for now (c:
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