the winter 2015/16 update

I know you're all here for the winter recap and fear not, for I shall get to that shortly.  But first I need to get something else out of the way.

It can safely be said that this has been the longest stretch between blogs since I began writing them five years ago.  Now normally I'd be quick to apologize for that... but in this particular instance I can't bring myself to do so.  This comes about for two reasons: 1.) I have had a lot going on in life that has kept me otherwise occupied, and 2.) I've been afraid to write because doing so meant doing something I swore I would never do.

A retraction.

I know as a collective you've all just grabbed your pearls in shock, but unfortunately it's true.  I'm embarrassed about it to a certain extent, and to another I'm surprisingly complacent.  I know I shouldn't be but I am.  So what exactly is said retraction?

I am hereby cancelling my new year's resolution for 2016: document a year of my life by achieving 30 things I've never done before and recording them through blogs, pictures and video.

Would I have liked to do this project?  Yes.  A million times over, yes yes yes.  However, a question quickly overcame me after making the resolution, and that was "is this really necessary?" The answer to that is plain and simple.  Nope!  Let me explain.

Back in 2011 when I turned 26 I was in a really low place.  I didn't know how to be in a relationship and ruined a perfectly good one because of it.  I didn't know how to enjoy my life, so I worked at a dead-end job and succumbed to a boring existence of self-pity.  By embarking on "26 Golden Things," I sought to change that.  And I succeeded, ending my golden year with a firm grasp on who I was as an individual, what I brought to the table (be it in friendship or love), and how I needed to continue my life.

By wanting to recapture lightning in a bottle the way I did back then, it implied I was in as bad of a place turning 30 as I was turning 26, and that's just not correct.  This is compounded by the fact that a week after posting said resolution, I began working at west elm and everything just sort of... came together.  It immediately made such a project pointless.

SO!  Without further ado, let us jump feet first into the not-so-cold waters of the first ever winter update (c:

December's door opened with a glimmer of hope and it was the only glimmer I needed.  Call it the miracle of the Christmas season!  Presents for everybody!  My time at PBKids would be coming to an end in 29 days, and after three months (four by then) it could not come soon enough.  Those involuntary 10-12 hour shifts would be wrapping up and it was gonna be soooo good.  I already wrote before about how beat I was so I won't really go into it here, but suffice to say it'd been a long fall season and an even longer wait to leave a brand I'd hoped to avoid during my transition into Austin.

Some things just are what they are.

Finally a hairstyle again.

When December started (and really got going), I like to look back on it in terms of my hair.

Don't laugh.

Changes were fast and hard when Derek and I got to Austin, the most visible being that of my hair and cutting it off.  Then repeatedly buzzing it off throughout the next three months so as to get rid of the remaining dye in my roots and start fresh.  I got my first actual haircut on December 8th (albeit not what I considered a good one) and it made me feel a little bit like my old self.  It was the first sign that I was starting to change again, visibly, into who I used to be.

Anyone who knows me understands I like to a exude a certain amount of control, in my life.  With such short hair all I could really do was make sure there weren't any parts flattened down by sleep and then trudge on with my day.  I'm sure there is some sort of metaphor in that for leading a depressed life, right?  Look in the mirror, shrug, and hope for the best?  But as it began to grow, I could suddenly do things with it once more.  I was able to start shaping it in different directions each day if I wanted, and as that happened, my mood started to go in different directions as well.  So there.  Hair.

Around then I got the help I so needed at PBKids, hiring a truly wonderful person named Meghann as my Visual Assistant Manager.  She came in to the business ready to roll (despite less than stellar training on account of how short staffed we were), and still made the best of it.  I will never, ever forget closing with her for the first time and commenting on something she said by replying with "Party."  Meghann's response was "Okay, Adore," which not only meant she knew I was quoting a contestant from Ru Paul's Drag Race but that she had immediately become my new favorite person.

I think what had gotten to me being at the kids store was how much most of the people there didn't like life.  Either personal or business, I don't know, but it had worn me down so much that I just stopped trying to be funny.  And again, as many of you know, I like to be funny.  I don't always succeed but that's neither here nor there.  Meghann coming into my life was the thing I needed at just the right time, and I know I haven't told her that.  Being able to open up my portfolio of sarcastic comments, sideways glances, and witty banter meant opening myself up once more to the reason I moved to Austin.  I'd become so shut-off and closed to everything around me at that point.  It happened so gradually that was lacking a specific instance to blame and thus I hadn't been able to pull myself out.

She was/is so much like my friends back home, a wonderful combination of @markstyleme and @caitcd, that I felt like I was taking in a deep breath of fresh air.  As it were, Meghann became my first official friend in Austin (along with Jon and his wife Nancy, another PBKids employee that I can't forget to mention).  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I had a new Acting GM come to PBKids and she took the reigns from me.  She and my DM gave me all of the credit where credit was due, turning over 80% of the staff (managers included) and keeping the store afloat for as long as I did, maintaining payroll and not totally screwing the pooch.  But really at the end of the day I was more than willing to give the keys over, no accolades required.  Then things got normal-ish at work, and then who woulda known, my life started happening again.

My tree; my guy.

Because there was a Christmas tree up, it felt like Christmas inside the house.  And that was it; the city didn't help at all.  Temperatures were usually in the 70's or higher and fuuuuuudge was it humid Austin.  That's not what I was used to for December.  I wanted snow, and cold, and my coats out of storage so I could actually feel involved in my favorite season of the year.  That feeling of lacking evaporated when Derek and I went to see Krampus.  Suddenly I was more than ready for the holiday (if you didn't see the movie (mostly about demons at Christmas) it was absolutely hysterical and loaded with more yuletide joy than anything I'd seen in a long time).

The Gingerbread Houses

After that I was looking forward to Christmas, my birthday, and the end of 2015 with wide eyes.  Derek and I kicked off what will now be an annual Gingerbread House Decorating Contest, each using the same kit but making our own creations from it.  I won ::tosses hair:: but for 2016 we will change it up.  Same kits, but we will each buy a ton of other decorating supplies, choose a theme to adhere to, and then put a wall up between us to ensure there's no cheatin' going on.

There were a lot of arguments and threats while we made those houses.  Mostly from me.

Christmas evening; drinks, games and treats.

Christmas came and went, ending up as a pretty joyful day all things considered.  I'd never been away from my parents for that holiday so I knew it'd be tough for me either way I looked at it.  I had a great phone chat with each of my parents in the morning, then opened gifts with my brother and his girlfriend.  Went home, opened gifts with Derek (he had to work in the morning) and then got started making dinner.  In the evening my former sister-in-law and her husband came over for food, drinks, and games.  And when the last dish was put away and the lights were turned out, I was content with how it had all come together.  Not as bad as I imagined it would be, and seeing as I was still with family all day, I felt good.

Then I turned 30.

My birthday gift of a tattoo.

Which was great!  Thought I'd go another direction on that, DIDN'T YA!?  Echoing Christmas day, I was fearing certain emotions seeing as I didn't have my circle of friends or the bulk of my family near by, but Derek did a great job keeping me company and I couldn't have asked for anything better.  Derek took me out to get my first tattoo in five years, and one I've wanted for about three years.  It represents something in The Onyxus Chronicles: Episode III.  The characters will have access to something called a "bionic suit," which is what the two black bands on my right writst symbolize.  The line on my forearm represents "the seam" of the suits, which the characters can push there hands into to retrieve certain items, weapons, etc.  It's science fiction, obviously.  When they do this though there is a mist that comes out, a different color for every person, and that's what my tattoo is for.

That and it looks cool.

My amazing Alaska cake.

After the tattoo we went home and rested for a bit, then went off to dinner.  Josh, Anne, Kelly, Justin, and my niece and nephew Mia and Gavin were all in attendance.  We did the meal then went back home for cake and ice-cream.  Derek whipped this cake out and I screamed in excitement, because it was quite simply the coolest thing I'd ever seen.  If you don't know who Alaska is, just click here and all will make sense.

It was a great birthday and a great way to do a flying roundoff out of my 20's.  Will I miss that decade?  Not really.  There were a lot of great things in it, there were a lot of shitty things in it, so cut the damn cake and move on.

In January I officially began my tenure at west elm.  Finally.  I'll absolutely admit that for the first week I thought I'd made a mistake.  Much in the way I thought I'd made a mistake when I left Express to work for Pottery Barn, actually.  Stepping out of your comfort zone is a difficult thing to do and that's what was happening with west elm.  At least at PBKids it was the same company, just a younger audience.  West elm is a totally different creature all together.  So to walk into a situation where I knew hardly anything about the product (this time quite willingly) I had a hard time.  I'm good at the "fake it 'til you make it" game, but that doesn't make life any easier.  What did make it easier was the friendliness and general warmth I received from the staff upon my arrival.

A lot of them knew who I was, or at least knew there was a new manager coming from PBKids that would be stepping in.  I'd met several people once or twice before, from both being present at a Holiday Launch meeting and for the day of a big visit with the company president.  What I especially appreciated though was that everyone at the store was excited to see me.  If not, they faked it very well.  But they were kind and light hearted and generous with information that I was so sorely lacking when it came to product knowledge.

And they were fun.  They are fun, excuse me.

I laugh so much throughout the day that going to work has nothing but a positive effect on me.  It's so nice to walk into a place and be greeted with smiles and quick-witted jokes.  These are my people, the creative types that have a million and one things to say about any topic and a humorous outlook to go along with it.  They are dreamers and do-ers, so many of them new to Austin like me and figuring it out as they go along.  They are each a wealth of information on places go, things to do, where to eat, and everything in between.  We tell stories and laugh and giggle and it elevates me like you wouldn't believe.  Whoever thought a job could do that?

It took a couple weeks to not feel like an outsider.  It took a couple more weeks to truly believe people harbored no ill-will towards me, something I'd gotten used to at PBKids.  And then after that... it became as easy as breathing.  And it was about time I had something as easy as breathing, don't you think?  It was hard for me to come to the realization I was finally doing what I set out to do so many years ago.  Back in 2013 when I wrote that blog saying "I will move to Austin and work for west elm," I didn't know if or when the day would ever come.  It was such a pipe dream.

But it has come true, and I do work in a store at the heart of a city, on the busiest intersection, looking outside at the great big sky and enjoying every moment of it.  I look forward to the opportunities I will be able to take advantage of from here, as working in this store opens the doors to a whole host of options down the line.  For now I'm content doing what I'm doing, learning new things every day and expanding my knowledge.  But I just... yeah.

I don't really have anything else to say about it other than to smile and let my eyes tell the story.

Mumma J and her boys on the left; me and my best on the right.

We did have a couple visitors as well, one at the beginning of February and one at the end.  Derek's mom came the first week of the month and was our first official visitor from out of town.  We weren't able to get off of work for much of Jackie's visit, but the time we did have with her was great.  I took her around town one of the days, walking for what must have been miles through parks, streets, and stores.  We all three took a trip out to Hamilton Pool at the end of the week and did a crap ton of hiking there as well.

Katie's visit was a little different, partly because I was able to get the whole thing off, but also because we did more hanging out than anything else.  When people come down here I want to show them what it is exactly that makes this city so special, and I think so far it's been good.  She and I just wanted to talk more than walk, haha, and that's just fine with me.  We did plenty of roaming around and as with Jackie, we ate more than enough food.  But that's the point with company, isn't it?  Eat, drink and be merry?

All of that combined is what rounds out the winter season.  I know back home in Wisconsin it's still very much winter, but as I write this I can look out the window and see not only green trees and growing lawns, but the white buds of flowers and the brilliant lime sprouts of new leaves.  It actually feels like spring, which is weird... I'm used to having spring for like, two weeks.  Then bam!  Summer!

And in regards to cancelling my2016 resolution, I do have a new one to offer up (a couple months late now, but whatever).  I put on a new swimsuit the other day and got a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  It wasn't good.  I'm pale, I've put on an uncomfortable amount of weight since moving here, and in general I'm just not in shape.  Soooooo the new resolution is to change all that!  Not with tanning beds and diet pills, of course, but with exercise and getting outside and doing stuff.  I took a before picture, and hopefully in a few months I will post it with a picture of my progress, and then hopefully a few months after that I will post once more with even more progress.  It sometimes takes a slap in the face (re: chubby belly) to spring someone into action, and I'm glad it happened now.  Full speed ahead!

So what else happened this winter?  I saw a lot of movies, Star Wars and Deadpool being amongst the most notable.  Smiled at a kid while at work and got scorned by the mother.  Got super sick in January, had a huge chunk of nastiness removed from my ear which cured my vertigo and motion sickness of the last year, and kicked the year off in a high rise looking over downtown.  Went to the Dr. Pepper museum, saw some cool animals at a small town zoo, and enjoyed whatever free time I could with Derek.  And finally I was able to wrap up the season by texting hilarious thoughts back and forth with @markstyleme whilst watching the Oscars, and feeling so much more like myself than I have in months.

Things change if you're a good person with a good heart, and I have no problem saying that about myself.  I was waiting patiently for things to turn around and eventually they did.  I had wonderful support the whole time from Derek, and I hope you see why I don't need to document another year of my life.  Because things are really only as bad as you let them get... and some times all it takes is a change of scenery to make it right again.

Ciao for now (c:

a new resolution part v

2015 has officially come to a close and as it does, it brings down the shutters on a year of transitions including but not limited to work and home.  It was a year of new scenery, new friends, a lot of miles on the car, a lot of laughs shared with Derek and a boat load of change in general.  Saying goodbye to your comfort zone is never fun but I made the best of it (as best I could) and shuffled onward.

A year ago today when 2014 was wiped from the slate I decided 2015 would be the year I finally moved away from home.  I wasn't 100% committed to Austin at the time, it was just an "anywhere but here" thing.  And to toss the usual disclaimer in there, it was not because Appleton was bad (in hindsight Appleton is quite perfect).  I just wanted a change.  By now you should all know that it took a few months of planning and saving but by September I had once again nailed a resolution to the proverbial wall.

That's my favorite part.

I typically would spend a few paragraphs right now telling you about what happened during the year, but I feel that for the most part you were all there with me so there isn't much point in going through it now.  This website is organized in such a way that you can dig right in wherever you like as the controls at your fingertips.  Overall it was a good year, that's the important part.  I am in decent health, I have my love in Derek, some money in the bank, and the rest is just icing on the cake.

When it came down to sit and write this up I had a few options of what my new resolution would be.  These varied but were slim in grandeur seeing as this year will be somewhat expensive with travel (vacation, wedding back in Wisconsin, etc.).  However, this year will also be fruitful in friends coming to visit me in Austin.  So seeing as this is the fifth time I've put thought into my resolution I figured it's time I upped the ante once again.

For 2015 I vowed to move out of Wisconsin and, well, I totally did that.  Not ready to move again!  In 2014 I wanted to become a published author, and I did that as well.  Successfully, I might add; old news!  For 2013 the goal was to move out on my own, which I've now done and can't really do it again, so that's nixed.

And that leaves my 2012 resolution of aiming for 26 golden things.

It strikes me as I get ready to begin my new career at west elm that I don't have anything to inspire people with.  It's a company built on the prospect that the people who work there are creative, intellectual, and always shooting for the stars in their personal lives.  Yes I've documented a year of my life, yes I've published a couple books, but that's in the past.  What have I done lately aside from move across the country and work at a job that drained me both emotionally and physically?  Not a whole fuckin' lot.

I realize lately more and more how I find myself adrift down here in Austin, without much purpose.  I didn't used to be like this... even six months ago I had a determination, will and sheer desire toward a goal that was so strong I can't even fathom it now.  But it's never too late to change, and it's certainly never too late to take the reigns back in your hands.  Without further ado, I give you the 2016 new resolution:

Document a year of my life, achieving 30 things I've never done before, and recording it through blogs, pictures and video.

It's a lofty goal but it's one I need in order to push myself.  To get out of the house, to get into the city, and to make life taste sweeter by doing the things available at my fingertips.  And I'm terrified, let's get that out of the way right now.  Terrified much in the same way as I was when I decided in 2012 what I was going to do for that year.  There's a particular fear of failure that I can't quite wrap all of this up within 365 days, and as I've said before, I try to impress myself before I go impressing anyone else.

Really it boils down to a year of 30 mini resolutions... step by step actions that will result in (hopefully) a better person.  I haven't made a list yet, I haven't mapped out if this will be a story or a big music video like last time.  Should I include more of something, less of another?  I think this time I'll include you people (the ones who viewed "26 Golden Things"), and solicit your input.

The best ideas are borrowed!

To go hand in hand with this new project, as yet untitled, I am going to aim to write better material for you to read.  I used to write really great blogs (just go with it).  They were both thoughtful and insightful, witty and flat out funny.  I feel like the only reason I don't anymore is because for the most part, I'm happy now.  And that makes me sad... sad that I was sad at the time and sad that I lost it when I wasn't anymore.  That was a tornado of a sentence and you're welcome.  I can't believe sadness is what it would require to produce work like that again... I refuse to believe I won't be able to parlay my happiness into crafting well-constructed pieces of work instead.  I think what it boils down to is over the last year I've just been flat out lazy and I'm going to rectify that.

So here's to not being lazy anymore!  Here's to 2016, memory cards,a  video camera, a smaller kinda shitty camera, iPhone's that are always on hand, and willing participants whether they are truly willing or not.  Let's make it big, let's make it grand, let's make a new movie!  And what better way to kick it off than to choose a new anthem for the year, much as I did in 2012?  If the Naked and Famous had a new album right now I'd take a song from it, but alas, they do not.  So I will use this puppy as it fits my needs despite being a couple years old and I think the message is clear.

"If you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?"

In short, yes.  But the point of this project, and this year in general, is to show what has changed.  Let's find out together, but I have a sneaking suspicion it's me.

Ciao gang (c:

the song of a decade

On December 25th, 2005, when the decade switched from my teens and let me go roarin' into my 20's, this was me.  Cross eyed, badly flat-ironed hair, and wearing a shirt that was probably a little too small for me.  No idea how to be cool, no idea what I wanted in life, just thankful the phase of me wearing "guy liner" had come to an end.  I was so excited to not be a teenager anymore.  19 was a bum year that didn't entail much other than me working full-time so I could pay off the utterly massive credit card debt I'd amassed a few short months after high school ended.

I write somewhat frequently about being able to look back on things and analyze the ways I've changed and grown since they occurred.  It's a little bit different when you are summing up a decade of life.  I'll try to leave out the details of location changes because that's the obvious answer to "what changed??" and instead I'll stick to the personal stuff.  You all like that better anyway, I'm sure.

I don't remember much about turning 20.  There was a lot of excitement for leaving 19 behind, I know that, but it was one of those filler years where it didn't mean much else.  I was working full-time at Express and enjoying the benefits that came with actually making some real money for the first time in my life.  I was starting to pay my debt off and making new friends outside of those from high school, but... that was about it.

A year later and a fair amount thinner.  Glory me!  I still look at that as a baby face though, mostly because I was still shaving with a razor because I thought I needed to as an adult.  I hadn't turned into the wookie I am now.  From what I can recall 21 was a decent year.  I'd never been the kind of person to underage drink, I think I only did so a handful of times (like... three times) before I was a legal age, and I think that was a good indicator of what I'd be like from then on out.  I've never been much of a drinker.

Don't get me wrong, I can hold my liquor very (annoyingly) well, I just don't partake.  I'd rather come home after a hard day at work and drink a milkshake than have a cocktail, but none of you should be surprised about that.  Former fatty, right here!

Relationship wise, I wasn't in one.  I hadn't been in one for a few years, actually, because for whatever reason any time I started dating, I got sick of the person.  Which was so dumb and juvenile but the truth.  Midway through the year I met Evan and it became my first relationship that a) lasted more than a couple months and b) I didn't end out of boredom.  I ended it because it just wasn't right.

You know you're growing up when you can identify something.  I was ready for love, it just wasn't with Evan.

I'd left Express for a while and had gone to Aldo, then subsequently back to Express.  With no idea at all of who I was or what the hell I was doing.  I did buy an XBox that year though... so that was something?

Being 22 was important due to two singular things.  Firstly, I became a manager at Express and that kicked off my career in retail.  I'd been in retail for a few years already but only in lower-level positions.  It was a long learning curve, to be sure, and I really didn't learn much until a great guy named Steve eventually came along and showed me how to do my job.  Props to Steve! But that was a few years later.

The other reason was that I met Ken in 2008 and started a tumultuous relationship that was filled with great highs and incredible lows, but for the moment was grand.  22 was a year filled with firsts of all sorts, but mostly they were just experiences.  Tubing down a river, falling in love, my family accepting my boyfriend, staying in love, getting a fancy camera and learning how to badly photoshop my wrinkles out.

I mean... no, I don't do that.  I of course have no wrinkles.

There was a continuous theme of coloring my hair dark at the end of every year, so I love looking at these and seeing how it seems like I naturally had the same hair color as my brother.  Nope!  That'd be a box of Revlon hard at work.  If 22 had been important for the two things aforementioned, 23 was even bigger because it was the year I moved out of my parent's house.

Ken and I were doing great and in February moved in with each other in Appleton.  For a long time it was pretty great.  I finally felt like an adult because I could host parties and dinners and Christmas, not having to just come downstairs to greet people but instead having to open the door and welcome them inside my place.  Relationships with my best friends were still growing and changing but they were getting stronger all the while.

2009 was good for that.

I was still at Express and still enjoying it.  The store had a way of having a good year for me and then having a shit year, and this was one of the better years.  I worked with a group of people that I truly enjoyed and many of them are still in my life because of it.  Life was essentially easy, it had been for a long while, and I assumed I'd be able to continue coasting along unscathed.

There was no way of knowing I was a couple months away from having my world shattered with a series of affairs that would make me question everything I'd come to know as safe in my life.  I made a mistake with Ken that February, not knowing he was and would continue making a much larger mistake at the same time.

When the truth came out it was heartbreaking.  For both of us, to be fair, because I was not innocent and it wouldn't be right to pretend I was.  "Innocent-er" is the phrase I'll use instead, but really, once you step in shit it's hard to clean it off without soapy water.  We decided to stay together under certain conditions and then made the move to a new home in Wrightstown, citing our Appleton home as cursed (the address was 1666 (Devil speak!)) and a fresh start was what we needed.

Just before the move we took in two little balls of fur that were only a week old.  I didn't want them, I admit it, but they were gonna fix us somehow and I did want that.  Enter stage left, Paolo and Sophia Parker.

It was a year of constantly feeling my heart drop into my stomach, feeling sick over what happened, accusing Ken of anything and everything I could, and snooping so much that it turned me into a crazy person.  Couples therapy led to us deciding we should buy a house together (...) in Green Bay.

I don't know.  Let's chalk it up to me being 24 and a fuckin' idiot.

You get through some bad stuff and feel like you've weathered a storm.  I like to look at this picture of me hitting 25 and know now that the storm was just a rain shower.  I was heading into a hurricane in two months and this time I wasn't going to get out of it so easily.

Ken and I broke up in March on the day we signed the loan for our house.  Saying I was devastated would not be doing it justice.  My world being "shattered" wouldn't do it justice.  I think the accurate words to describe me in April of 2011 would be "completely and utterly pulverized, destroyed, burnt, and left to drown."  To me, at the time, there was no way out of who I had become.

After the final affair became apparent, after he moved out, and after I discovered allllllll the rest of the lies that had been running rampant throughout our entire relationship, I was a shell of a person.  A shell at 25, glory me!

I got promoted at work but with the cost of being transferred unwillingly to Green Bay.  I had to swallow my pride and move back in with my parents, something I considered an absolute failure on my part as an adult.  I had to watch as one best friend started a new relationship and quickly fell in love while another got engaged and started building the pieces to her happily ever after.

I know, boo hoo me, right?  But even now five years later I can't help but look back on this with clear eyes and see how hard I took it all.  Moving home could have been therapeutic in the sense that I was moving back to the house we'd been in for 14 years as a family, but even that was changing.  My parents had finished renovating Parker Manor (as I named it) and after a month of living with them we moved again.

I kept the cats after the breakup, though Sophia was really more of Ken's cat, and it took most of the year for her to warm up to me.  But gradually she did, and gradually the pain slipped away.  I was able to turn the focus back onto myself, something I hadn't done in a really long time, and try to change for the better.  My job still sucked, sure, but I was making money and starting to thirst for something great in my life.

Just in time for a golden birthday.

The moment captured above was at my surprise birthday party for when I turned 26.  26 years old on the 26th of December marked it as my "golden birthday," and I was surrounded by my family and friends.  I gave a very short speech that night, broke down into tears, and sat down to eat dinner.  Then I gave it another shot after the meal, telling each person that was there why they were important to me and how they had helped me.  Surrounded by my bests (no longer best friends, they were just "the bests") and my family.  It was an incredibly emotional night but it capped off the end of a terribly emotional year.  I was ready to fix it... to fix me, and I did.

2012, also known as the year of "26 Golden Things."  I decided in January that I was going to do 26 new and exciting things throughout the year and that I'd blog about each of them as they happened.  And then I decided "fuck it, I'll video the whole thing too."  So I did.

The movie is available to watch if you'd like to, I always said it would be free to anyone that needed it.  There were of course pros and cons to making "26 Golden Things," seeing as every single thing I set out to do I managed to nail to the proverbial wall.  I pitched it as "the best memories are those you make yourself," and that still stands true.

You are only the victim for as long as you want to be.  The keys to your happiness lie in your own hands and you cannot rely on anyone or anything to change it for you.  I learned this, and I'm glad I did, because it made me a better person.  I was able to use my golden year to take the reigns of life back in my hands and find some sort of purpose.  Like the back of the DVD case for the movie says, "get inspired."  I still look back and feel inspiration from what I managed to achieve, not just on my own but with the help and participation of my friends and family.

I'd love to do it again someday... to one-up myself with a new "best year ever," but the times have changed so much that I don't know how.  Maybe I'll figure it out and maybe I won't, but I like to at least think that I will.  For now I know that I'll never look back on 26 with a frown.

27 started with big changes.  I was happily employed at Pottery Barn and putting my feelers out on a new relationship.  The relationship didn't exactly flourish before it ended on June first, but I learned from it and moved on.  That spring I lost my grandfather, the final grandparent to my siblings and I, in the same week that I busted my ankle and moved out on my own.

It was a difficult week to deal with all of that but I suppose it was like ripping a band-aid off; just get it done and let the healing begin.

I loved living alone.  I think that was how I knew it'd never last with Ken, I always thought "someday when I live alone," and that's not the right mentality going into a relationship.  But whatever.  I had a great year being 27, not the best ever but it was really a year of doing things my way and how I wanted.  Taking trips, walking around my home without pants on, and getting to expand my skills in cooking.  Not simultaneously.  I inducted a new best into the fold as well, Miss T.  Dressed up as a GUY for halloween, once again colored my hair dark in the fall, and also decided to grow it out and not cut it off right away as I usually did.

2014 was a fairly uneventful year when it came to me but eventful for everyone else it seemed.

Aside from the fact that I published my first novel, The Onyxus Chronicles: Episode I.  One mustn't forget that!

Everyone was either moving or getting engaged or getting hitched in 2014.  My bests, specifically.  @markstyleme got engaged, @caitlinclaire got engaged AND married, and then @klreynol put our rock solid friendship to the test by moving away to Arizona with her growing family.  I stayed where I was, single, ready to mingle, but otherwise motionless.

To be fair, getting the book ready occupied most of my time.  When I wasn't working on the first book, I was working diligently on the second.  And when I wasn't working on that, I was working on putting my halloween costume together (Dr. Frankenfurter) and planning for Christmas.  You'd be as surprised as I was when a tall, skinny but muscular (you're welcome, pinkie) guy showed up at my (term used loosely) Starbucks one day.

I suppose love happens when you just aren't looking?  It did for me at least, and that was how I wrapped up 28.

I don't know what to say about 29.  Started it with long hair and didn't cut it for 9 more months?  Yes.  Started it almost 2,000 miles from where I'll end it?  Yes.  Started it at one job and will end it at a third?  Yes.

2015 was a year of changes for me this time and less for everybody else.  I tried my best to soak up everything I could before the biggest change came along, that of moving to Texas, but of course there were things left behind that I would have liked to revisit for one last go.  People I wanted to see, faces I wanted to slap, y'know... important stuff.  Having the love and support of Derek through it has made a world of difference and made it much easier as well, but 29 was just a filler year for the most part.  It was the big drawing of air that would lead to the change of a decade.

I feel like being here now, I can finally exhale and let all of the hot air and silly wind out.  There's nothing left to wonder about or hold any sort of fear over... every big event that was supposed to happen this year has now happened, and because of it I can breath just a bit easier.  You'll have to wait for "a new resolution" in a few days to hear any more on the subject.  So, without further ado...

That brings us to now.  Me, Sean S. Parker; a 30 year old, two-times published author, father of two cats, partner to one amazing guy, living in Austin, TX and working for west elm.  You write goals down at one point in time and as said time progresses these things have a way of coming to fruition.  Or at least so I've found.

As I've gotten older birthdays have made me sad.  I don't think it's a sadness in terms of "woe is me, I'm getting older," but more of a sense of time now gone.  Time I won't ever get back.  The advantage to that feeling is how it pushes me to do more and more, faster and faster, bigger and better.  I know 30 is not old by any means, and if anything it just takes me out of the category of "oh you're still in your 20's, you're so young."  I don't feel young anymore, and I'm okay with that.  It's like a passing of the torch.

But it makes me sad in that I want more and more time with people.  My parents, my siblings, my friends... it's just that I can't be everywhere all the time and those moments still need to be shared.  If I could have everyone in my life live on the same city block, that'd be fantastic.  But I can't.

It's funny how your priorities change as you get older.  That what was once so important to you is now just a fleeting memory.  I never knew who or what I was going to be in the future, I just lived each day in the moment and kept moving forward.  At 20 I was so worried about my mountains of debt, and at 30 I'm worried about how I'll pay for a wedding that will eventually be on the horizon or buying a house (which is potentially a closer idea, all things considered).  I'm worried about when I'll get to see my family or my friends again in person, and how soon I can do so.

I also look back and wish I could warn myself about a few things...

Give certain people a chance.  Don't take certain promotions.  Actually plan ahead when they tell you "hey, plan ahead."  Start saving money.  Don't buy a new car, get a used one, and outside of that 2012 will be worth every penny spent.  You can't make people like you.  You can't make people love you.  You can't make people stay when they just don't want to anymore.  If you get cheated on, sever ties immediately and make it a clean break.  You will have your bubble popped more times than you can count, but just let it happen; you will learn so much more that way.  Never second-guess if it's the right time to publish, just do it.  Enjoy.  Your.  Life.

I ended 2012 with the following quote and it still stands true today.  I think this, more than any of that other stuff, is what I would say to that dumbshit riding a rocking horse at the top of this page.

"As you grow up, you will learn even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.  You will have your heart broken more than once and it gets harder every time; you'll break hearts, too, so remember how it felt when yours was shattered.  You'll fight with your best friend.  You'll blame a new love for the things an old one did.  You'll cry because time is passing by too fast and you'll eventually lose someone you love more than anything else.  So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every 60 seconds you spend upset is another minute of happiness you'll never get back.  Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin."

That's all for now, gang.  I'll let you know how 30 goes as time progresses.  Until then, I need to get busy on another project.  I'm still toying with "30, flirty, and thriving" as a movie title...

Toodles (c;

the fall 2015 update

Welcome, one and all, to the <em>very</em> first blog written on my <em>very</em> first website, seansparker.com, and written with the sole intent on flipping a giant middle finger to blogger and the fact that it so unceremoniously DELETED the entire blog I had written and was nearly ready to post for your enjoyment. I know you all get such joy out of my blogs, right? I'd written what I felt was a pretty decent blog, detailing my miserable experience it my job since moving here but the wonderful lessons I've learned from it, spinning it in a positive way like I tend to do. No one likes a sad nelly! But alas, it's all gone, and maybe for the better. Now I can rewrite that and leave out the bulk because it just didn't matter. I needed to vent and get it out of me like drawing poison from a wound.

I just hate re-writing stuff.  Hmph.

I feel like from where fall began (September 1st) to where fall ended (November 30th (I'm quite aware those aren't the real dates, thanks very much)) there were miles of changes in between.  1,293 miles, to be exact.  With tolls (thank google maps). Driving down was equal parts fascinating and miserable, y'know? I've written before about the move so I won't bore you with too many of the emotions. When I pulled out of my parents driveway that morning, I was drowsy but excited. And of course overwhelmed with sadness, trying my hardest to keep a stiff upper lip because if I didn't I'd just fall apart.

I thought it'd be a good idea to let the cats roam the car, which in hindsight obviously wasn't because they were freaked out and climbing all over and there was nothing safe about that. But they distracted me enough on the back roads during the drive toward Madison that I didn't really end up crying.  I wanted to, and my throat was tight like you wouldn't believe, but I didn't cry. Outside Madison I had to stop and lock them up because while Paolo was being mostly good and staying in my lap, Sophia kept getting down by the pedals and all I could hear in my head was my mom's voice calling out "They'll get behind the brakes and you won't be able to stop and you'll die."

So into the carriers they went, and then the drugs took hold and you can see above what that did to their eyes.

Then there was the drive through Illinois and Missouri, which was boring any way you looked at it. Everything was the same. St. Louis injected some excitement with how surprisingly hilly it was after I got through the city, and by that point I was encroaching the 12 hour mark of driving. The day went on, the pit-stops weren't super frequent but often enough because I'm one of those "pee-ers," and the scenery continued to change. Oklahoma was actually really pretty, partly because the sunlight was turning amber and partly because of the fields were covered in what looked like spider-webs. Then it got dark.

18 hours on the road was a long time, and there were still 5 to go. In the daylight my attention span was focused but in the dark it felt like a treacherous drive. I'd also never driven for more than 16 hours straight so this was a challenge. Dallas was terrifying to drive through because of all the assholes speeding through the city but what're ya gonna do? Eventually I got to Austin (a good hour and a half ahead of my brother and his girlfriend) and stayed at her house. I thought I'd be able to just pass right out but I couldn't on account of a) my nerves being shot and b) the gallons of caffeine rushing through me. It was a fitful rest, and eventually I just got up after four hours and drove the rest of the way to meet Derek.

It took me a few days to finally come around from feeling sick (that much caffeine is like poison) but eventually I was good. We gave up drinking soda in the early spring but indulged after unloading the truck because we could.  That Dr. Pepper didn't taste as good as I imagined.



The other big change that came with the move was the official loss of my once flowing locks ::pause for silence:: after just over two years growing it out. Things didn't go exactly as planned when @markstyleme and I decided to go dark, and though there was the initial cutting of the tresses in August, once I got down to Texas I decided it'd be best to just buzz it off and start fresh.

Would you believe me if I told you I didn't even know what my natural hair color was anymore? It'd been so long since I had seen it, either going from blond to dark brown, back to blond and then brown again, always in this "heave-ho" gesture. It wasn't a mystery why my hair always felt dry and far from an Herbal Essences commercial. By buzzing it off for a few consecutive weeks I was left with nothin' but real color and a few more grays I'd rather not have seen. The mission of growing it back out commences now, with the goal of never coloring it being my focus... but who knows how long that'll last.



Moving down, I was originally supposed to be working at west elm.  We all know how that fell apart because of positions not being available at the right time, yadda yadda. It sucked but it was what it was. When I drove through St. Louis I got the phone call of approval that I'd be landing at PBKids for a little while, as the store was going through a big transition and they needed support until they could get back on their feet. Probably a month max, two at the most.

It didn't start off on the right foot... I don't think there was any way I could have come into that store and not been the enemy. Every move I made was wrong in the eyes of the leaders in the building, and it of course meant that my only motivation was to ruin their lives (which couldn't have been farther from the truth). I was there to correct several wrong practices and shift everyone in the correct direction they needed to be moving in. I also came in with the belief that being new to the city, they'd welcome me and make me feel comfortable and less like a fish out of water.  How wrong was I!

For every nudge I made, there was a nasty bitch slap coming back at me. Take the picture of that Christmas window, for example.

I was so excited for the holiday window to be set; I love Christmas and I was hoping it would cheer me up. This was two months into my tenure and I was starting to become exhausted. I'd been brought to the store in my normal position of Associate Store Manager but was quickly moved into an Acting General Manager to have more "pull" with the team. When I came in one morning and saw the window was set, I was overwhelmed with joy and pride in the team for executing it and took a picture for my instagram with the caption "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, eeeeeverywhere you go." The next day it got back to me that the manager who set the window released a flood of words about me, including "how dare he try to take credit for our window, he had nothing to do with it." Because clearly that's what I was doing...? That's just a small example of the pushback, and it's not worth diving into the more harsh instances because it's coming to an end now and I don't want to dwell on it. After turning over 85% of the staff, managers included, I'd rather look forward.

West elm came to me a week after I started and said they had a position for me and would hold it until I could get out of the kids store. The initial conversation was that I'd be joining them November 1st. But things happened at the kids store and that got pushed to mid November... then the end of November... then the end of December. The store just couldn't get into a position that I'd be able to leave it without any guilt, or that I'd even be allowed to leave.

Finally it is becoming a reality now, with two weeks remaining until I can go and work at the store I have wanted to work at for the last three years. And since I'm at the end of my second tenure as an Acting General Manager, I do have to say it was a great learning experience despite some of the at times overwhelming negativity that came with it.

I had a wonderful leader in my District Manager, Randi, and I am forever grateful for her guidance and help. She always answered my texts, always took my calls, and that was a great help to me. She partnered with me on everything I needed and when it comes down to it, I'm sad that I won't be getting to work with her anymore. There are a few associates I brought on board that I will miss, but now that I won't be working with them I can hopefully extend those relationships outside the store.  if so, they'll be my first actual friends down here in the Lone Star state.

I learned a lot about perseverance and what it takes to make something right again. I feel like I was tossed into a big pit of cow shit, knees deep, and had to shovel my way out. I've managed to empty the pit and somewhat hose myself off, and now someone else can come in and just give it a good rinsing and then fill said pit with water. Not that you'd want to drink it, of course... but you can at least entice new people to walk toward it. I'm bad at analogies right now, get over it.

You'll have to wait for the winter update to know what happens next in the work realm, but I have a feeling it's going to be pretty great.  I've done my time and taken my licks, and now I can move forward knowing I achieved something pretty good.



All that being said, October wasn't the best month for me and I didn't really feel like I was in the mood for Halloween until it was right upon us.  Derek was wonderful the whole time, of course, giving me the encouragement I needed and providing a listening ear when I had to vent.  As the month moved on, we watched some scary movies but didn't really do anything else.  No haunted houses, certainly.  The peer pressure from friends back in Wisconsin eventually pushed me into dressing up and in the end, I'm glad we did.  I repurposed an old outfit from 2012 and we threw together a costume for Derek, deciding he looked like Jan Brady when all was said an done.

We went downtown that night to see the festivities on 6th Street (an absolutely crazy party that spans several city blocks) and just enjoyed the sights.  We walked up one side of the street and down the other, taking in how many smart, funny, gross, interesting, and sexy costumes there were.  This was not the world of Wisconsin where people dressed sensibly in case it was too cold, this was a world of "hey, it's 7o degrees outside, let's take our clothes off."  We had a really good time; didn't go into a single bar or have a single drink but we still enjoyed ourselves.  Drove home, laughing hysterically and singing along to songs, bitching about makeup (it was Derek's first time in drag) and then getting some burgers before going home.  Next year will probably be better and I essentially already know what we're doing, but that's the advantage of time.  There was just too much going on to really dive headfirst into Halloween this year, but that's okay.  I lit my pumpkins and bought/ate candy just the same (c:



Mid-November saw the one year anniversary for Derek and I. We had a nice day, eating a fantastic brunch at Sandra Bullock's restaurant downtown called Walton's Fancy and Staple. After that we went to the Whole Foods flagship store and bought everything for Thanksgiving, then went home for a nap, a walk, and then Spaceballs Quote Along that night at the Alamo Drafthouse. It wasn't a big ritzy celebration or a super fancy dinner for us, but that's not really who we are. What mattered is that we got to spend a day together, laugh and joke and explore, and wrap it up with family and a couple new friends.

Tidying up the fall season (and this blog) was Thanksgiving. We had my brother Josh, his girlfriend Anne, and my niece and nephew over for lunch that day. It was my first time ever making a Thanksgiving meal and it came together pretty flawlessly. Forgot to get rolls but big fuckin' deal. The turkey was probably the best I've ever had (not a fan of turkey, as it were) and the gravy was amazing. I messed up the stuffing but remade it the next day with more goodies and then ate that for leftovers for the week to follow. I never know how to set a limit on how much to make!

After that we of course took a nap and then mosied over to my former sister-in-law's house for a second Thanksgiving. The night went by quickly and we played games and laughed to our heart's content, and it was just the perfect way to end fall. It started rocky, had an even tougher mid-section, but ended on a high note.




We don't get to choose the circumstances that greet us when we make big choices in life, I know this.  A tough decision is either met with tremendous results or awful situations, and unfortunately for me I was met with the latter when it came to moving to Texas.  But all's not lost, because I still have hope.  And that hope is what got me through it.  Best of all, I can already feel things changing and getting better and that's a sure-fire sign it wasn't the worst decision I've ever made.

Maybe in a few months I'll be able to say it was the best decision I ever made?  I dunno.  As usual, time will tell.

So what else happened this fall? I discovered Paolo was licking all of his hair off because of an allergy to the litter I used, Sophia can't see well in the dark and might be partially deaf, and both of them still hiss at Derek a lot. I learned what it means to partner with an HR representative, got new tires for Bernice, and ate Chik-fil-a for the first time ever. Got almost all of my Christmas shopping done in early November, started working on the final edit of Episode III, and picked up the paintbrush again to start making artwork. Took the last three months to re-find my center, to understand what I want in life, and to look forward with clear eyes once more. It's not easy to turn your world upside down, but if the ends justify the means I'm willing to go along for the ride.

How else do we learn?

Ciao for now (c;

my year of love

November 17th, 2014

Last year on November 6th I was spending the day working at Pottery Barn.  It was a sunny thursday, kind of warm but not really, and I was taking my break at Noodles & Co.  I was supposed to use store funds to buy gift cards for our associates for opening credit cards, so once I was finished eating I walked into the Starbucks next door, the one I'd been writing at for 9 or so years.  Went in, picked out the cards, and started chatting with the gal behind the register about something stupid I'd probably done that day.  Behind her was a new guy, tall, slender, with glasses.  He glanced at me a couple times and I glanced at him, but mostly just kept talking to her.  He laughed at something I said and I remember thinking "you're a nosey little one, aren't you?"

I went back to work and told Courtney about the cute new guy and then continued on with me day.

The next morning I went in for my drink, as was the habit, and this time he was on bar preparing the drinks.  I ordered and scooted down the line, checking on something on my phone as I did so and waiting patiently.

"Did you order a peppermint mocha?" He asked when my drink was ready, causing me to look up.  I smiled and nodded awkwardly.  "Found it!" He exclaimed as he set it down in front of me.

"Ok... thanks," I said with a chuckle, wondering why he'd said that, of all things.

Little more than a week later we went out on our first date.

Aaaaaand then a week after that we became a "thing."

It was November 17th, and that means today is our one year anniversary.

The "actual" first picture of us.  What a charmer!

I've written a lot over the years about my luck in love.  Or lack thereof, as it were.  I've fired and missed so many times since Ken that it eventually became commonplace to think it just wasn't going to happen.  Got close a few times, and certainly met some good people along the way, but I couldn't seem to figure out how to hit that elusive target of "love."  It wasn't for a lack of trying by any means.  Eventually I just kinda gave up on it and became resigned to the notion of "maybe it just isn't for me."  And it sucked, but for the most part I was also alright with it.

Maybe that's my personality type?  Maybe I'm introverted juuuuust enough to skate by the discomfort zone of being alone all the time?

Not that I'm proud of it.

For me, being alone always meant not having to deal with the viewpoints of a boyfriend.  There was always so much bickering and arguing over points of view and it was exhausting.  I don't mean that in the sense of "Oof, disagree with me and I'll just cut you out of my life!" because I don't mean it that way at all (have you read about those comfort zones popping up at colleges?  Gimme a break).  Different points of view make people think and evolve in all sorts of wonderful ways.  But I just... didn't like it.  And being alone meant everything was tidy for me, neat and in its place and never out of order; if it wasn't out of order, and if it was entirely in my control, then I was happy.  Does that make sense?  I dunno.

So in the end, I stopped looking for my match and then, all of a sudden, there he was.

My Derek.

On our way to Minnesota.

Things started quietly where I was concerned.  I was not going to be the one to scream from the rooftops this time around (not that he didn't deserve it), because I just didn't want to.  I'd formed a preternatural fear of anything that was too good to be true, so if I was a little more discrete about it then maybe it would last.  This logic ended up biting me in the ass a few times but I'll get to that later.
I didn't even really tell my friends about him right away because I was afraid I'd jinx it.  I wanted to get my own time with him without muddying the process with anyone else's opinions.  And that's how I know I like someone, because I won't talk about them.  I keep it hush hush because I want to form an opinion that is entirely my own and not influenced by others.  When I did finally start sharing and telling them, several were caught off guard.

How had this happened?  Why wasn't I gushing information as per my style?

It was because I was all wrapped up in him, strangely engrossed in the weird knowledge that every red flag he was sending up just weeks into our relationship I was swatting aside with professional ease.  And THAT is not easy!  Learning how to trust again was something I didn't think I'd ever know how to do, and here was essentially a stranger doing things that would normally make me run in terror but were somehow pulling forward even more.  I wanted to know him, what his story was and what the facts were.  And I wanted it now, now, now.

Valentine's Day

Quickly we grew attached at the hip, spending little more than a dozen hours apart before seeing each other once more.  The overnighters started and I fell deeper down the rabbit hole, coming to lean on him more and more as the holiday season at work grew increasingly more stressful.  Just a few days shy of Christmas, on the 20th of December, we made a nest of blankets and pillows on the floor of my living room and watched the first Thor movie.

It was the night I said I loved him, and then he said he loved me.

And then we were just two people in love.

Time went on... ideas started to form.  Should we take a trip to Austin together?  It had been in Derek's top five places to live, and we all know it's been my number one place to live for a very long time.  A vacation together was kind of a big deal, what if we bought the tickets and then broke up?  Toss that idea to the wind, we booked 'em anyway.  And come March, we went.

Hardly a moment before I asked him if he wanted to move down with me.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have every instinct telling me I was moving way too fast.  Derek had essentially started living with me by Christmas, and since then we'd only spent the night apart when one of us was traveling out of state.  When we got back from the trip he officially moved in with me, helping pay rent and all.  To me, in my head, this was all perfect.  It was actually happening and quickly progressing and for every concern I voiced to him, he validated said concern and constantly gave me room and an option to back out.  Which I never did, of course, but he understood that part about me.  That I can make a decision with no problem, and then sometimes immediately wonder if it was the right one.

Shoot now, ask questions later!

As time wore on, things changed almost finitely in both of our lives right up until the day came to move.  All of the planning and preparation was finally put to the test and for the most part, it went as smooth as it probably could have.  In the back of my mind I maintained the thought that it was in my path of life to move to Austin, and it was in his as well.  And if he only came into my life for the sole purpose of being at my side to make such a move, then that was wonderful.  If we could make it through a cross-country move without having known each other for a year, we could make it through anything.  Not that I planned on things ending between us by any means, I just thought "if this ends up being the thing that undoes us... then it is what it is."

Because that's what I've constantly thought this past year with Derek.

If this sputtered out, if we sputtered it, I figured it wouldn't surprise me.  Because that was the story of my life, to not be the winner.  To go home, more often than not, totally empty-handed.  I've kept myself at a certain distance since I met him, terrified that the instant I let my guard down the seams would come undone and I'd be left exposed.

The transition for me living in Texas has not been an easy one, and it's something I've downplayed to most people.  Including Derek.

A few weeks ago we had a very real heart-to-heart and whatever I'd been hiding from him, whatever truths or fears I'd kept locked up, they came out.  Everything I'd downplayed about myself since we first started dating, or not necessarily downplayed but just... hid.  I concealed the bulk of the emotions I carry all the time because I felt like it was a sign of weakness within me, and when we talked, he got it out of me.  And it was good.

I used to see that internet meme allegedly spoken by Frida Kahlo and it said "Take a lover that looks at you like maybe you are magic."  I don't know if she said it or not, but I never put much thought into the statement.

That night, I suddenly realized that was how Derek has looked at me since that first sight in Starbucks.  Since that first awkward "Did you order a Peppermint Mocha? Found it!"

A kiss to the stars.

How over the past year he has stared at me with this glint in his eye as he waited for the next random thing I would say.  How he's put up my my attitudes and my mood shifts, laughed when I laughed and cried when I cried.  Dealt with my kinda mean cat Sophia, hogged the bed whilst knowing that I'd shove him back to his side every time, and let me pinch him with my toes because it's just something weird that I do.  A year of eating my dinners despite them usually incorporating onions because I love 'em, a year of watching whatever I wanted to watch on TV because he was always content with what I chose, and a year of being my sounding board when I was flat out being crazy.  And, in the end, a year of how he's looked at me like maybe I've been magic.

I don't like to see the good in myself.  I never really have.  I think to see the good in yourself then that just means you've got your head firmly planted up your own ass.  Do good things and hopefully the world just follows suit, you don't need to announce it to people.  You don't need to look in the mirror and say "yeah, I'm a good person," because if you do then you're probably not.  But having someone like Derek in my life, someone who constantly points out the good in me and the positive qualities in me... it makes me feel like I'm at least not a bad person.

He sent me a text less than a week after we met and asked if I had a favorite quote.  I told him I had two of them:

First was "be happy for this moment; this moment is your life," and then the second was "every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."

I of course had to ask what his was, and he sent me this in response:

"I will practice acceptance.  Today I will accept people, situations, circumstances, and events as they occur. I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. I will not struggle against the whole universe by struggling against this moment. My acceptance is total and complete. I accept things as they are this moment, not as I wish they were."

Looking back on it, I think he must have known something... must have known how the year was going to unfold and what I'd eventually look back on to tie it all together.  It's just what I do.  Technology is a beautiful tool if you use it correctly.  By posting and sharing things on social media and keeping the world informed of the daily goings-on in your life, it allows you to relive those moments in the future should you so desire.  It has become the new normal for us.

Going through the words that filled the beginning of our relationship I can't help but smile at the giggly, blush-filled communication we both used.  Corny phrases like "I can't wait to kiss you again," "I can't wait to wake up with you everyday," "when can I see your smile again?" etc.  I don't know why we stopped doing that, or why anyone stops for the matter, aside from slipping into a sort of complacency in a relationship and getting comfortable enough that you don't need to remind a person anymore.

I need to start telling him that I really can't wait to kiss him again, hear him laugh again, or even just sit on the couch for two hours at the end of a long day and watch some tv together with our knees bumping occasionally.  I need to tell him that sometimes when I think about him, I get overwhelmed with the thought that I'm not doing enough to give him the world when he deserves that and more.  That my love knows no boundaries for him.

But I read what he wrote and realize now, even if he didn't mean it in such a way, that they were words I now see pertain to me.  I now know that each moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be.  I need to start accepting things as they are in this moment and not as I wish they were.  A year ago if I saw myself right now, I wouldn't recognize me.  Hair gone, new job, new city, new life.  I wouldn't understand how I could have done it by myself, and that's the point to all of this.

My family.

I'm not by myself anymore; now I've got Derek.  And that with him, whenever he is near me, I don't feel so alone.  I feel connected... I feel complete.  Like two halves of a circle, the sums of a whole, whatever you'd like to call it.  There isn't anything I wouldn't do for him.  There isn't any way I would or even could ever harm him.  He is the unequivocal love of my life and I'd never choose to imagine it without him at my side.  

It's a scary thing to wholly accept you've given someone such power over you, but at least I know that with him it is power held in good hands.

A person who has taught me more about planes than I ever thought I'd know.  Who got me to play Grand Theft Auto and actually like it.  Who pulls the silly out of me with his constant dancing in the kitchen, dancing in doorways, and dancing when he comes home from work.  A person who never shies away from a good hug, a person that gives a kiss everytime I see him.  Who showed me what it's like to love again, and to accept love again, and to realize that there are very good people in the world.  A guy who continuously pushes me to do better whether he realizes it or not.  His squinty eyed smile still melts my heart, his deep voice can on the occasion give me butterflies, and I think when it all adds up at the end of the day, his beautiful soul makes me happy to just be alive.

And to you, Derek Allen, know that this was all for you.  The final truths to the first chapter of our story, the "grand reveal" if that's how you'd like it.  Happy anniversary to you, pinkie toe, and here is to an eternity more.  I love you (c:

Toodles gang.

looking for a place to write

I will be the absolute first person in the long (not that long) list of people I know to admit I hold a particular disdain for going places I've never been to before, alone.

"Oh, is that clothing store the best one ever made and the prices are unbelievably cheap?  Cool!  Let's go together, my new job starts tomorrow and I have nothing work-appropriate to wear!  Oh, you're busy?  Yeah... me too."

"That new restaurant has the best milkshakes you've ever tasted?  I fucking LOVE milkshakes!  What's that?  Oh, me?  No, I won't go today.  I have no one to go with me... I'll just pour a glass of water and shake it real hard with ice and pretend."

It's not necessarily some debilitating affliction or anything dramatic like that, just a quirk I've always had.  And it's not for a lack of wanting to go to these places, it's just a weird fear of doing something stupid when I get there that'll mortify me.  Tripping through the door, not knowing what to order, or worse, knowing what to order but for some reason doing it the wrong way.  Going to the wrong side of the counter, dressing in a way that has people looking at me in a way that I wouldn't prefer.  You name it!

So today, in this oh-so-new city of mine, I have a new daily enemy: 

the search for a new coffeeshop to write at.

When I started taking a laptop away from home (my old Dell back in 2005 which was stupidly small and heavy but almost always trusty) I would only go to Barnes & Noble.  I was, after all, working on my book, and being surrounded by the very things I was trying to create seemed like the best idea possible.  Right?  Right!  Plus they served Starbucks coffee and I was always so proud to order some sort of Frappuccino because I was 19 and didn't know any better.  Regardless, I went there dutifully for several months until there was a weird sorta... altercation... with that bitch Carol running the joint.

For the record, I did nothing wrong.  It's a long story about this little terd with... okay, I'll just tell the story.  Quit asking already!

I have never ever ever been a person to show up at an establishment, mooch off 'em for the environment, and then leave.  To me, what makes me a good customer (in that regard) is that I always purchase a drink/sandwich/whatever to make my financial contribution and thus feel like they can't shoot daggers my way for hanging out for a few hours.  One day in particular I went to B&N and purchased my drink, then went to sit down beside the garbage can.  Because the store was built in the late 90's (or maybe from an oversight) they did not offer electrical outlets for people to plug in their computers and work.  It took several visits and some discrete snooping for me to find that the one and only power outlet was hidden behind a big garbage can.

So naturally I made it a point to sit next to this whenever I went, or at least in the vicinity so that if someone were occupying the spot, I could move to it when they left to charge my laptop.  The battery on that thing was crap and hardly last two hours.

There I am, having been sitting for no more than 10 minutes, when this boy comes and sits down two tables away but still on the bench I was using.  After a few minutes, he moves all of his stuff over and directly to the table next to me.  Keep in mind, I've got my headphones on and am working diligently, not farting around on the internet.  At that point you had to pay AT&T for Wi-Fi and I didn't want to!  Pretty quickly he gets his phone out and is pretending (I think he's pretending, at least) to have a conversation with someone about "needing to charge his computer because the battery was dead."  He's saying it loudly, and obviously, and I have the mentality of "Well I was here first and you can wait your turn if you don't want to ask if you can plug your stuff in.  The cord will reach."

But he doesn't, and I don't say a word, and after a few minutes he gets up and is out of my sight for a bit.  He comes back and sits down, headphones on, head buried in a notebook.  I just figure he's very odd but I keep writing.  Then Carol comes over.  Keep in mind, she knows me.  I've been going for months and she's always there, toddling around, and we've spoken a few times.  Her with an "Ugh, my job is so hard" attitude and me with a "I don't care but I'll use a charming smile and mostly genuine laugh."

"You need to move, he has to charge his computer," she says, blunt as a baseball bat.  No emotion, no smile, just a statement filled with exhaustion despite it being like... noon.
"What?" I asked, taking my headphones off.  Now she looks exasperated.
"You need to move, you've been here long enough and he needs to charge his computer."

I probably got stone faced because I hate confrontation, but in hindsight I feel like I had this incredulous expression on my face of "what the fuuuuuck?"  I remember looking at the Frappuccino still 3/4 full and the lack of ANYTHING that he could have purchased.  My patronage meant that little?  My loyalty to the B&N deserved that?  I blushed really deep, closed my laptop and looked him right in the eye.

"You could have asked," was all I said.  And he gives this big surprised look, as if to say "oh my golly, what happened?"  I stood up and packed my bag, with Carol and her big fat ass standing right there, and then she has another thought as I turn to walk away.

"He'll probably be charged in an hour."

I turned to her and in the (what I hoped) coolest voice I could muster, said "I won't ever be back."  If only there had been a complicated hand gesture, toss of the hair and smooth transition to putting on my sunglass as I said it though!  Failed opportunity!

And I never did go back, actually.  I hold a grudge like no other and that circus clown Carol pissed me off.  I finished my drink in the car, probably all moody and on the verge of tears because I'm that person, then went to Starbucks by the mall because I still had writing to do.  I went inside feeling unsure of myself.  I'd been there before, sure, but never to work on something.  Would it be okay?  Would they ask me to leave after a while?

But they didn't.  And it was perfect.

And it remained perfect for just about 10 years.  Eventually they all knew my name, they (usually) knew my drink order, and whenever I changed it they would guffaw and make fun of me.  Sometimes it was a free drink, sometimes they'd come and chat with me when they were on their breaks.  I finished writing Episodes I, II, and III there, then the respective (multiple) edits.  I signed a copy of the first book and gave it to them as thanks for letting me hang out.  I loved that Starbucks, y'know?  Smaller than most, with an annoying drive-thru and not much seating area... but I loved it.  It became a second home to me, like a refuge.

I started writing Episode IV there this summer but had to stop because I just didn't have the mental capacity to work on that, plus publishing Episode II, plus planning for the move to Texas.  What I liked about working at that Starbucks was that it was almost always cold inside (something about the air being kinda broken in there).  I could just layer up and sit for hours, tinkering away, because I am usually quite warm.  The music was never super loud and I always knew I'd be able to find a place to sit and work.  It was good people watching when I wasn't 100% committed to writing, and it was an easy place for friends to find me and drop in if they had a few minutes to spare.

So in moving to Austin, I had the notion that there'd be a million better places to write and work on my stuff that were as good if not better than that scenario.  Not that there was anything wrong with the other coffee houses in Appleton, I'm sure they were a dandy and a hoot, I've just always been a creature of habit.  When I settle on something enjoyable and safe, I settle for good (until someone like Carol ruins it (yes, I did complain to B&N corporate (no, I didn't get anything out of it (just satisfaction she got in trouble (I don't know if she really got in trouble (probably though)))))).

How silly was I to think that though?

There are plenty of places, yes.  But they are all places I have so far ventured to alone, because Derek is working and I'm nearly 30 years old and need to act like an adult.  Part of my search criteria comes down to convenience.  Sure, I can drive to wherever I want, but I'd prefer to keep it to 15 minutes if not less.  Because 15 minutes to get somewhere usually means 45 to get home when my writing stops and the traffic conveniently starts.  Then there's also what you're actually getting from these place.

I have no problem spending $5 at Starbucks for a drink I know I'll like, even if coffee snobs say "that's not a real drink."  If it's liquid and it tastes good then to me it's a drink.  And as much as I want to support local business and give back to the community rather than a corporation, they so far just kinda suck here.  I've been to three coffee shops so far and not a single one has been a hit.  A large iced mocha at each place cost $5, same as Starbucks, but in the size of a small instead.  I'm 6'4" and 230 pounds!  A small drink isn't going to tide me over or do diddly squat, puh-lease.  They are either too small inside and crowded, overly large and empty of tables, or just the right size but with the religious loonies that prayed for the barista while they were paying the bill.

I'm sure there are great places to find and maybe within the next 8 months of our lease (it was a 9 month lease, weird, right?) I'll find a place I love and then we'll move a little closer to that area.  Or not and I'll just figure it out!  But until then it's kind of sucky to keep trying these places and know within the first few minutes that it isn't going to work.  I don't want to be "that guy" that walks in, looks around, then turns and leaves.  Because even though I am 150% certain no one would give two shits, in my mind they are writing down my license plate and looking me up to judge me.

It's unfounded but true.

So does anyone else ever feel that way about going to new places?  Strike back if you do, I know I'm not alone.  I'll go any place new if I've got a friend with me to act as the buffer, but on my own I'm like a cat when they see the vacuum.  Scamper!

Anyway, all for now.  Back to editing Episode III at the lovely Starbucks I've found.  Ciao (c;