a lurking emotion

This is a mopey blog, and I apologize in only a small way.  It is, after all, my blog.  And you are, in the end, just a reader.  Proceed if you'd like.

It's hard for me not too look back and still feel that twinge.  Nostalgia... hurt... happiness.  Whatever you want it to be, really.  The reality is that it is all of those things at once yet none of them at the same time.  Indescribable, maybe.  It doesn't hurt like it used to, and it doesn't make me smile like it had at one point.  But it does fill me with an odd sort of feeling of content.  Content with how things had once been, maybe content with how they ultimately turned out.  I don't know.

I seem to say that a lot lately.

I'm of course referring to the old relationship.  What is it about seeing a person for the first time in a long time, whose face has changed so much and so little, for better AND worse, that brings back the thoughts?  If you'd asked me a year and half ago when it ended how I would have felt right now, I don't think I could have answered.  Maybe you have to survive it to know?

I rehashed the dark deeds of the dreaded ex yesterday, for the first time in... coming up on a year, I suppose.  The last person I talked to about it was J, and that would have been November 2011.  It's amazing that after so much time I can still get so angry about how it all happened.  In the immediate aftermath I felt like some horrible, unjust thing had blindsided me.  And of course it had, but that was the sole overwhelming feeling at the time.  Then it was a lot of sadness, and then a lot of anger, and then a lot of making fun of the dreaded ex and all that he entailed.  How else do you move on, right?

This January when I nailed #1 of the 26 Golden Things (Letting it die; the realization you are finally over your ex,) I pushed him out of my head.  Every now and then he would get mentioned, mostly in these blogs because I use my own hardships as a form of comic relief, but also in real life.  I heard the rumblings of what he was doing and with who, and about his relationship ending with the guy he subsequently ended ours for.  I always had that mentality of "Hey, so-and-so (insert random friend here,) guess what that idiot is doing?" and it kept everything okay.

I'm not getting ready to say I still have feelings for him.  Don't worry.

But tonight I saw a picture of him as he is now... almost like you see the picture of what was once a great species and then the picture of the final member left.  What it has become.  Bad analogy, sorry.  I don't want to say it is a swell of pity that rises inside of me, but it is something like it.  Not that I think my life is the best it could ever be right now in comparison, but it just... I took a different road than he did.  That's all.

I started flipping through the Mobile Uploads album on my Facebook while lying in bed a little bit ago and forgot that I never deleted a lot of the pictures from my past.  He's gone from them all, obviously, but there were a few that remained.

Pictures of the snowstorm while living in Wrightstown, chief among them.

It was early December 2010; I was working until 6:00 that night at Express at the Fox River Mall and the storm was only just beginning to thicken up.  One of those hot gossip pieces that fills the verbal cloud around you all day.  "When's it going to get here?"  "How big will it be?"  "Think they'll close the mall tomorrow?"  When my shift was over I went out to the Jeep and dusted off the light snow covering it, worried that my balding tires wouldn't be great on the highway on the ride home.  So I took the city streets, doubled my trip time, but made it back safely.

If I close my eyes now I can still remember how it smelled walking into the house.  Wall-flowers of Cinnamon and "Winter" scents from Bath&Body Works; the light pine aroma from the Christmas tree we had cut down ourselves and erected just a few days earlier.  The counters were clean because "he" was working a double shift, and whenever that happened, I would clean before work to make myself feel useful and to have order when I came home.  By that point the snow had really started and so had the wind.  I made myself a tall cup of hot chocolate and turned the lights on in the trees outside before snuggling into the couch with Paolo and Sophia.

I fell asleep for a little while watching Christmas movies and thinking about how great things were.  Being in love, being content with my life.  Enjoying myself and the carefree world I was finding myself in.  This might sound mushy and boring to you but thinking about this makes me feel like I am opening my chest up for everyone to see inside.  That I am opening it up for me to see inside and maybe gain a little perspective in the process.

Sometimes I'm afraid I'm never going to feel that way again, the way I did on that night.  Excited at the prospect of a storm and waiting for my love to come home so that we could enjoy it together.  Presents under the tree already, a fireplace crackling and two soft kitties wedged behind my knees.  Looking back on it I feel like it was too good to be true, and, truth be told, it was.  But in that moment it was real.

It was tangible.

I've been so wrapped up in my list of things to accomplish this year that I haven't had much time to turn that focus onto my love life.  And once more, if I'm being honest, I don't want a love life.  Not right now at least.  Not for the foreseeable future.  You guys... my friends, my family, my readers... most of you know me.  Some of you are starting to really get to know me.  You're starting to see that I put myself out there with my thoughts and feelings on a whole multitude of things.  But in a relationship I'm different; it's the heart that comes out for that special person.  And I'm not ready to share that part again.  Not with anyone.

I hate to be a mope but this blog was meant to be a vessel for my words and you're along for the ride.  Hope they didn't bore you too much.  Hell, this next blog was supposed to be about another item on my list that I have started crossing off, but I felt it would be pre-emptive to blog about it as it won't be done for awhile.  I took the first step towards something very important yesterday, that's all.  So just know that "#16 The ______ betrayal; finally _____ rid __ __ _____ _____" is in the works and will be divulged in the nearish future.  Until then... live long and prosper?

Hi-ho silver away.

the wedding

There's something about the crispness of the air that denotes a shift not only in the atmosphere but in the moods of the people around you.  You start seeing sweaters and all of the mannequins in clothing stores  are suddenly wearing jeans and jackets.  The idea of pumpkins and cinnamon sticks doesn't necessarily make you groan anymore, nor does the thought of grabbing a blanket and reading a book beside a window in the afternoon sunlight.  You have, in fact, started to realize that summer is drawing to a close and the fall season is swiftly moving in.  I was very reluctant to see it this year, because to me, fall couldn't really begin until summer was really over, and that is usually marked by some sort of event.  This year, it was marked by @klreynol getting married.

Now, I'm not big on weddings.  I'll say it right now.  In fact, it wouldn't really be me going out on a limb by saying that I tend to dread them.  Bad banquet halls, bad food (you all know what I'm talking about (the "stuffing" that looks like babyshit mixed with hair and a leaf.))  I find that most brides and grooms tend to have illusions of grandeur about their respective days of celebration and few ever really live up to it, mostly due to the fact that the amount of money required to support the dreams for  a"perfect" wedding doesn't exist for the people I often surround myself with.

Note to self; get richer friends.

Anyway, because @klreynol is one of the Bests and because I was her Man of Honor (sharing the duty with her younger sister, bonafide Maid of Honor,) this whole experience was going to be a titch different than those of the past.  Mostly due to me being involved and shouldering my way in when I wasn't.  Regardless, the events surrounding the wedding day and those leading up to it allowed me to cross off not one, and not two, but three things from my list of 26 Golden Things.

#13 Appease the bride; execute a bachelorette party.
#14 Sharing a soul mate; watch my best friend get married.
#15 From pen to mouth; deliver a heartfelt speech... and nail it.

I'm probably not going to make this doozy as long as you think it would be.  I find that by giving a play-by-play of the ways I achieved my 26 Golden Things, they tend to get stale.  And this bitch doesn't wanna get stale, hey-o!

The last weekend of July was the agreed upon time for the bachelorette party.  Initially I met with the bridal party in February to discuss preliminary ideas as to what we would do for @klreynol.  I will say that what we planned in that initial meeting was not necessarily what would eventually occur, but that's totally cool because things evolve and our ideas did as well.  Remarkably, a gay guy and three girls managed to keep the whole event a secret from @klreynol until we had ALMOST arrived.  You can't really take someone on the highway and expect them not to notice all signs pointing to "Door County."  She's pretty smart, and we didn't blindfold her.

Would have been more fun if we had though.

The weekend was pretty terrific, all-in-all.  Not everything went as according to plan as I would have preferred but that's what happens when you are in a group, and I understand.  We went to Door County and stayed at the Cliff Dweller's Resort, a place which greatly exceeded (at least my own) expectations.  Great view, great condo, great time.  I won't say great again and WHOOPS I just did.  We went to a hokey yet fun fair in Carlsville, indulged in a winery tour, ate at a fun Irish restaurant, I got hit on by a waiter who said I looked like Matt Damon... you know, the usual.  We got some swimming in and rode bikes to the state park with those provided by the hotel.  It was fun and super relaxing, I must say.  Even for me, and I drove!

I wasn't the sole party responsible for the weekend getaway, but I had a large hand in it and it was the first time I had been involved in such a process.  Were it to happen again (ahem, @caitcd) I would have a slightly better idea of what to plan for and what to do.  But I think in the end it was a good trip and allowed me to cross the mid-point of my 26 things (c:

Now on to the good stuff.

A lot of factors went into me being able to stand in the wedding.  It was important to @klreynol, it was VERY important to me, and I felt it was important to everyone else to see me up there being amazing ::tosses hair:: When it was deemed "ok" by the pastor that I could in fact stand on her side during the ceremony, the amount of relief taken off my shoulders was astounding.  Even though it wasn't "my" day and "my" family, I had started to feel that ugly feeling of "well if I can't stand on YOUR side then I don't want to stand AT ALL!"  Those feelings are typically followed by a person stomping away and slamming a bedroom door.  Obviously and luckily, that wasn't the case as @klreynol went to bat for me and won.  It's a great feeling when your best friend doesn't back down to the pressure being exerted by others... and I don't think I ever fully conveyed that to her.  She would know my feelings eventually on the day of the wedding, however, when I would deliver the speech I had been working on for a few months.

So we're at the day of, on August 10th.  The above picture was taken just before I drove @klreynol to the church... and for some reason as I typed that I started tearing up.  It's one thing to look at a person and say "Hey, we've known each other since 1998!  LoLz, OMG!" It's another thing to look at a person you've known since you were 12 years old and realize you are driving them toward one of the biggest days of their lives.  I would have loved to have driven her alone, and it's fine that I didn't (we had another bridesmaid with us,) but it doesn't erase the desire.  The original best friends, alone before the collective drawing of the breath and then the swelling of applause as "I do" rings out through the church.

If it wasn't for the video footage provided by my excellent date for the day, @SleetyBoots, I don't think I could recall walking down the aisle.  I wouldn't recall standing at an angle, watching the vows, sitting and rising and sitting again, and then eventually making my way back up the aisle to the foyer.  Every moment of it ended up being a blur and I have to wonder if that is how it is for the bride and groom as well.  A thousand eyes trained on you (or past you, as it were,) several thousand dollars invested, and the thought that part of you won't ever be the same again after that brief moment.

All I could think about while I stood on those steps and watched my best friend take one big step away from me was what the past was like.  What the mistakes were that I had made along the way.  It was everything and nothing, all at the same time.  Seeing "What Lies Beneath" three times together at the Valley Fair Mall... recapping my trip to California in the summer of 1999 while she listened in courtesy and drank a Dr. Pepper on the blue carpet of my old bedroom floor... taking long walks and talking about how things were going to be better in the future.  The laughter, the tears, the hugs, the letters, the fights, the love, the stories... the words.

There have been a lot of words.  I've got words, just... coming out of my fucking ears.  The particular set of them I had written for my "Man of Honor" speech were meant to be light, funny, not overly serious, and delivered with a cool, calm tone.  It was while I was watching @klreynol and @jpemerick exchange vows that I realized how important those words were really going to be.  And how important it would be that I not fuck it up.

After the ceremony and the ensuing pictures, we were off to the Grand Meridian for dinner and the reception.  I was absolutely sick to my stomach about giving the speech once we walked in the door and I could see how many people had arrived.  The wedding itself had been deceiving, due to the fact that it was at 1:30 in the afternoon on a Friday.  A lot of people were working, and looking at THAT crowd, I thought "Ok, you can do this."

Well it tripled at the Grand Meridian.

Some of you may not know this, but when it comes to my history in giving speeches, I am, how do you say it... a total pussy?  The speech I rambled off at my 26th birthday party was an absolute mess for two reasons: 1) it wasn't planned, and as such, I made it WAY too emotional, and 2) I kept crying.  Crying pretty hard.

Immediately I went to the bar and got a beer.  I downed it quickly, and got another beer.  They started getting people to their seats for dinner, and by then I had finished my second and was on to my third beer.  Liquid courage, hard at work.  I had recited the speech dozens of times by that point.  Literally, it had been dozens.  Over and over and over again.  I'd say it in front of the mirror, finish and smile, then say it again.  I'd do it in voices (creepy gay southerner voice, "Grey Gardens" voice, straight voice, and British voice to name a few.)  I requested specifically to go last, due partly to the fact that I wanted to see my death coming and also because my speech rounded up the rest in a particular way.

First, @jpemerick's best man rambled one off.  Then a few minutes later, @klreynol's sister, official Maid of Honor, got up and recited hers.  I was SUPER nervous by then because as she was giving hers, this weird music kept playing (not from the DJ) and drowning her voice out.  I didn't need that shit happening to me!  When she was done she handed me the microphone and I set it down with a shaking hand.  I finished my third beer and took a swig from my fourth (don't JUDGE me!) And then I just... got this rush.  A rush that told me it was time to stand up, take a deep breath, smile with that genuine Parker smile, and let 'em have it.

So I did.

I was going to post the video first but I'd rather post the speech instead.  You can read what I said (and later see where I improvised,) note that everything in bold is what I forgot to say, and then judge for yourself how I did.  I only choked up twice, so look for the (......) below to see where it was.  You won't see it in the video, as the camera filming me FUCKED UP and didn't record part of the speech.  Then you can watch the video... or you can skip the words below and just watch the video anyway.  I can't stop ya!

          "Hello room; good greetings, glad tidings, happy day and all of that.  My name is Sean Parker; AKA that guy on Katie's side of the wedding to which you may have thought "one of these is not like the other."  I know that traditionally these speeches are reserved for the best man and the maid of honor, respectively, but seeing as I am such a fantastic combination of the two, I only felt it appropriate if I took a well-intended if not somewhat long-winded stab at it.

          Katie and I have known each other for approximately 14 years.  To clarify, it's been 13 years, nine months, three weeks four days and approximately five hours but who's really counting?  Some of us measure time through hours and some of us measure it through memories, and eventually there is such a conglomerate of them that the span you've known a person seems like it has been a lifetime.  It feels like it has been a lifetime.  I remember being introduced to Katie by my girlfriend ((cough)) at the time, who Katie was best friends with.  Looking back on it, I think it was one of those clandestine events where the stars aline and fate rises in its splendid greeting.  I can remember that moment very well.  I can remember it just as clearly as I remember Katie's car door flinging open after an 8th grade school dance while in my mom's suburban, nearly spilling her out to Calumet street.  Good thing for seatbelts!

          Several years ago when Katie was attending Michigan Tech, she and I were having a late night chat session through texting.  We got to talking about friendships and relationships and that was when Katie told me she felt a person could have many soul mates in life, and that I was one of hers.  And actually, the only one at that time.  It struck me in that moment for two reasons, 1) because no one had ever said that to me and 2) because I felt it too.  And it was, she and I became soul mates.

          Then that other tall guy came along.

          The first time I met Jake was when they had driven down from Houghton to Appleton for a visit.  We would be going to dinner at Los Compadres.  Immediately I was struck by his height.  Holy crap.  But aside from that, he seemed nice.  And if you know how Katie and I are when we get together, you know we like to talk.  And Jake will always be engrained in my mind as the guy that fell asleep in the booth of a Mexican restaurant the first time I met him.

          Now allegedly I'm supposed to toss in a quote here and while I would LOVE to quote a movie, I felt it best to nod and wink at the Irish heritage we have prevalent in this room.  I would do this all with an excellent Irish brogue if I felt I could maintain it, but alas, I cannot.  Here it goes: Katie and Jake, there are a few bits of advice I'd like to share with you for your marriage; never steal, lie, or cheat.  (Video cut out here) But if you must steal, steal away each other's sorrows.  If you must lie, lie in each other's arms all the nights of your lives.  And if you must cheat, please cheat death so that neither will ever be alone.

          (Video cut out here) I've been told that I have a certain way with words but there comes a point in any self-proclaimed author's life when words just escape them.  Katie, you are my best friend (......) you have been since that fateful day in 7th grade and you will be for the rest of my life.  That is just how soul mates work.  I am so happy for you (......) and I am so over-joyed that you have not only found the love of your life in Jake, but that you have also found someone taller than me to stand beside in pictures.  And Jake, if you can continue to love Katie as much if not so much more than I already do, I will know that she is not only in good hands but that I am sharing the title of soul mate with someone who has completely and whole-heartedly earned it.

          So however you measure time, be it in hours, memories or toasts, let us have one more to the latter: To Katie and Jake; may your happily ever after's merely set the stage, to what will surely become one of the greatest love stories of our time.  Here-here."

And that was it.  I was done.  And while some of the words were missed and some of the footage is gone, it will live forever inside of me.  I may not remember much about the ceremony but I will never forget standing up there near my best friend and providing her with words that were only really meant for her to hear.  Words that said that I was ok.  That I was going to be ok.

Are you really surprised I'm making this about me?

Oh, you are?

...why?

I have a really hard time when my friends get married.  I used to think it was selfish of me but over time it began to prove itself as factual.  When people get married, they change.  They become more of a "unit" than they were before, and that "unit" doesn't tend to include anyone else.  They get "serious" and decide they need to grow up and in the process, they leave you behind.  It doesn't matter if you agree with me or not... it is what happens.  It is what has happened.  Sometimes kids are involved, sometimes it's a new job or house that changes the game.  But it happens.  And my biggest fear going into this whole thing was that I would not only be relinquishing my title of the solitary soul mate, but that I would be letting go of the best friend I've ever had.

It's a tough thing to get past, even at 26 years old.  Maybe I should have made that one of the Golden things?  I don't know.  I wanted her to know that if I kept it together during the speech, that I would continue to keep it together.  And I will.  I will keep it up forever, because as I said, it is just what soul mates do.  I AM so happy for her and I really AM so overjoyed that she has achieved such a monumental thing.  There were so many factors that could have changed this wedding, from the health of certain individuals to the private friendships of others.  But they didn't, and it was better because of it.

Anyway, I said I wouldn't make this long and oopsie--oh-shit, I've gone and done quite the opposite.  But really the whole point was to prove that I haven't given up on my "bucket list" of sorts, just that I've been gathering events like a fat kid gathers cakes.

#13 Appease the bride; execute a bachelorette party
#14 Sharing a soulmate; watch my best friend get married
#15 From pen to mouth; deliver a heartfelt speech... and nail it.

That's all I've got for tonight, kiddos.  Watch for my owl (c:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Sean-Parker-self-proclaimed-author/252090834910809

and then there were 4

Well hello there, wayward internet browser.  Welcome.

Have you ever seen Spider-Man 2?  The one with Alfred Molina as Doctor Otto Octavius, AKA Doctor Octopus?  In the movie he is working on building a fusion reactor that will provide clean and renewable energy from a globule of matter as powerful as the sun.  This glowing ball of light hovers in a machine with magnetized arms that sustain it, keeping it in balance.  If you can't picture it, I shall provide you will an image.  Exhibit A:

Ignore Doc Ock.  So you can kind of tell by the picture but like the sun, the reactor has these bursts of light coming out.  They end up getting pretty large and in charge until they consequently destroy everything around them.  Since you're going with me so willingly on this, I'd like to interject that I am viewing that orb as one of my relationships with one of my "bests."  Observe.

You meet a person and a spark ignites inside of you; not all the time, but with the people you find interesting.  Y'all know what I'm talking about because it is the driving force behind most of your relationships or it was at some point.  That sparks grows and grows with the relationship, and in my eyes it grows into a bubble of sorts.  Invisible, of course, but always there like a beating heart.  Maybe I just look at it this way because I'm sentimental, but if I wasn't, then I wouldn't cry at superhero movies.  Shouldn't have written that.

Eventually, like the good Doctor's nuclear reactor, the relationship becomes self-sustaining.  You don't have to keep adding new information to help it grow, because you have established a base that it can reside on.  This comes after an indeterminate amount of time but that all depends on the person.  Sooner or later you come to see the flaws in the other half of the relationship, I know I do.  Usually the flaws aren't necessarily "flaws" as they are the bits and pieces of potential problems that could arise sometime down the line but ones you ignore.  Like the small arcs in the above picture.

Within every relationship there is something like a seam, usually buried beneath the smiles but one that can be exposed as something ugly.  Something unnecessary.  Unnecessary because it would take a cold day in hell for those problems in the seam to rear their ugly heads in the daylight.  But like the fusion reactor, sometimes a problem explodes outward from the core of the relationship and it destroys everything in its wake.  And it's a scary thing to realize how quickly something so great can go to utter shit, but it happens.

Just did, in fact.

Mrs. S and I have cut off the ties.  To (kinda) quote Pirates of the Caribbean, we were "released from our human bonds."  And it sucks, really... I can make light of it as much as I want but a relationship of 7 years is gone now, and from here, there won't be any going back.  Not on my part.  I had planned on writing this big lament to the things that were but somehow I have lost any drive to do so.  I'm still so angry over it that there aren't really any kind words to write.

I think when you have someone offer to pay you to stay out of their life, a part of you withers up and falls away.  The bubble of our relationship suddenly and quite effectively has burst wide open.  That statement of course coming at the tail-end of a conversation that involved me asking for an apology three times and her failing to deliver on even one.  I'd get more specific but that isn't really the point.  It's the precise reason I choose not to name names in these, because WERE something like this ever to happen, I wouldn't have to throw anyone under the proverbial bus.

I don't wish her ill, nor do I wish any negativity to come her way.  In a lot of ways the relationship ended with a sigh and not a bang, and that is a luxury I'm rarely if ever afforded.  The dreaded-ex ended in quite the bang (him banging someone else, natch.)  What I do wish is that egos could have been put aside, on one of our parts if not both, and that this could have slid away like so many squabbles before.  But it didn't happen like that, and with the "seam" of the relationship exposed it allowed all sorts of horrors to come through.

Without trying to give myself too much credit, I came to realize this past year that by labeling a select few of my friends (five of them) as the "bests" it meant they were untouchable.  It meant they were the only people I surrounded myself with to create a shield of sorts, and that would never change.  @caitcd even asked once if there would be an audition process each year to stay as one of the bests.  I said no, with a laugh, not really thinking about the thought too seriously.  The bests were there because I needed them to be; they had grown increasingly close to me over time and I figured such a label was fitting if not finite.

I didn't realize that over time I would start to feel regret over the labels, because like an oceans tide, friendships ebb and flow.

While some stay my side no matter what (I like to think it's because they are too bored to branch out away from me (haha (sad panda))) others tend to wander away.  And that's alright, really, because if you can't grow separately without growing apart then what is the use in being friends in the first place?  That being said, it's difficult to categorize someone as a "best" when you hardly if ever see them.  If you ever even talk to them... and in a way that played a part in all of this.  Too many broken promises, to many illusions of grandeur fallen by the wayside.  It is what it is.

There is something to be said about the demise of a friendship, and that is the will and desire to push yourself so far beyond what they knew you as.  That way, should you ever reconnect, you will (hopefully) have changed into someone even more impressive.  I suppose I cemented over the big-brother-esque nature of our lives by deleting her from Facebook and Twitter and all of the various other channels of which we as a society have become silent purveyors to our friends and family.

Will we reconnect someday?  Maybe.  Do I want to?  Not especially.  It is what it is and maybe it is how it always should have been.  People come into our lives to push us in a direction we hadn't noticed before, and she certainly did that for me.  Now I just need to make use of it.

Next blog is a happy one, lol, I promise.  Weddings and speeches and smiles, oh my!  And feel free to hit "like" on the new fanpage.  What a self-promotor I've become!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Sean-Parker-self-proclaimed-author/252090834910809

proving the point

Aristotle was a smart dude, yes?  I mean, he was one of the most important founding figures in Western philosophy, his writings covering subjects from metaphysics and poetry to politics and biology.  Safe to say he could sling a phrase at someone and they would take it to heart.  And though he lived quite a long time ago, I feel as with all philosophers, his words transcend time and space.  Like this nifty one, which I so coincidentally also found on Pinterest.

That's an interesting sentiment.  Why?  Because I think a lot of people have a hard time believing it.  I myself even have a hard time believing it.  After spending 12 years on a book series and then this enthusiastically maintained blog you CONSTANTLY (right?) find yourself in, I still don't really consider myself a writer.  Or an author, as it were.  How else could I keep the clever title?  Pfft.

Couple things spit-balled into a big fuckin' mess today and left me feeling less than pleased in regards to a particular ability I may or may not show a burgeoning talent in.  Photography.  Now don't get me wrong, literally anyone with hands (or without hands, I don't know) can take a picture.  Point and shoot.  Can just anyone take a good picture?  I think so maybe, yes.  But there is a more creative aspect to photography that seems to escape a lot of people, some call it having the "eye," which sounds kind of mystical but to me just means you can see a good shot and you can capture it.  Probably means the same to you.

I don't really have much practice with real photography as of this moment.  I know what an f-stop and aperture are and I took a couple classes in high school.  I can take a pretty decent self-portrait, and I know my way around photoshop pretty well.  Right now, if you handed me a really expensive camera and tossed me in the middle of New York City with an airbrushed model, I could probably take a decent picture.  I would say when all was said and done, a solid "B" would be my score.  Does all of that combined make me a photographer?  Not really, seeing as I don't get paid for it, but then-- oh... hey.

Wait a second.

I don't get paid to write, either, now do I?  Not yet at least.  And though I like to heehaw and guffaw over my literary talents, I am a writer, through and through.  If there is one stake I claim in my life it is that I am a god damn writer.  You can't write over 1,700 pages of a series and continue to blush when you say "oh I dabble in it."  I can't vouch for how GOOD of a writer I am, I'd have to have the peanut gallery weigh in on that one, but the fact that my books have drawn tears says a little something about my skills.

I don't mean to make waves but this whole idea that you have to be paid to credit yourself as something is stupid, stupid, STUPID.  Who is anyone to say you are something other than what you want to be?  Sure, you can't call yourself an astronaut if you've never been to space.  And sure, you can't be a marine biologist if you don't know shit about aquatic life and are afraid of water.   But you can call yourself a writer if you've ever written a poem, a limmerick, a song, a blog, or hell, even a book.  You can call yourself an actor if you've ever stood in front of the lens and recited a few lines.

You can call yourself a photographer if you pick up a camera and shoot pictures of something or someone that might inspire you.  The point is that you try.

That's the beautiful thing about life; you can be whatever you want to be.  I set out this year to nail 26 "New" things to the proverbial wall and I am halfway there.  It is a lot of work, it is a lot of dedication. I never would have classified myself as a documentarian, but ya know what?  I've recorded seven months of my life so far through video and I'm not done yet, so cross that fucker off the list too.

The whole reason I am writing this tonight is because I am angry.  I'm angry that I was told today that I am NOT something I even considered myself to be in the first place.  And you know what?  It doesn't matter.  Because it is just like Aristotle said: We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, therefor, is not an act, but a habit.

I wasn't a writer until I started writing, I wasn't a documentarian until I started filming.  I can't be a photographer until I start taking pictures, so for any of you naysayers out there, sit back and watch the fucking show.  If I can dedicate as much energy into that as I have with the rest of my endeavours, you're in for a treat.  'nuff said.

a simple playlist

I think of music the way I think of any relationship; it has ups and it has downs.  It can set you shooting down a country road with the windows down, wind in your hair as you scream the lyrics at the tops of your lungs.  Conversely it can fill your ears as you lie curled on your bed, tears streaming down your face as you let the tones fill you up.  Powerful stuff, that is!  It's a wonder how when life starts getting crazy for me and things stop making sense in the way I feel they should, that a simple playlist turns it all back around.

Maybe that's because I have rockstar playlists?  I don't know.

Something's been missing from these blogs lately and I think over the last couple days I realized what it was.  Some heart... maybe a little soul, too.  Not soul in the James Brown sense, but in the "hey, I'm usually overly-emotional and it bleeds out into my words, sorry I haven't been," sense.  And I am sorry that I haven't been emotional... er... more interesting.  I think that emotion was part of the original charm of these blogs that you, my (mostly) faithful readers, came to expect.  But the last several blogs have only been about my 26 Golden Things and not the other bits of my day-to-day life that I like to think make me marginally interesting.  Well... very interesting.  I'll just come out and say what everyone is thinking ::tosses hair::

Yesterday I had dinner with @klreynol after a day that felt mostly wasted, and if there is one thing I hate more than girls who can't walk in high heels, it's wasted days off.  We were talking briefly about the blog I dutifully compose and she agreed that the stories therein were getting a little bit dry.  It's great to write about the things you commit to writing (as I have been,) but when they start feeling like a chore is when something has to change.

Lemme side-track you for a little second.

When I bought my iMac in June I was very hasty in lumping my conglomerate of music in the shiny new database and organizing it with iTuens.  Then i synced my iPod before haphazardly downloading Windows 8 on my laptop and effectively deleting the iTunes library on it.  Guess who didn't make copies of his playlists?  This tall son of a bitch right over here.

Back to it.


I have a couple playlists that continuously evolve, chief among them being the blatant "Newly Added" that has songs removed once they've been in for a month and then they are spread through the other lists.  Well I went on a CRAZY downloading spree and "Newly Added" turned into "Mish-mash of every type of music imaginable."  Except bluegrass... that has no business on my computer.  Never-the-less I've been listening to "Newly Added" in my car constantly and it started to get to me.

Usually my music is organized in a way that I can go to it for whatever mood I'm in.  "Fun!" "Mellow" "Mellow - Sad" "Hipsteresque" "Showtunes" "Before the 90's" and "Of the Most Soothing" to name a few.  There's also "Disney" but you get the picture.  Today on the drive to work I couldn't take it anymore and went for the only playlist that was already organized, simply because that is the theme of it and it has no purpose to be in the main music library.

"Christmas."

Yes, I'm one of those people.

I rocked out to Christmas music all the way to work and all the way home, a grand total of 54 minutes of drive time.  Most of the music was happy but I do have a few mopey Christmas songs, and as I was driving I found myself jumping back to the sad ones.  Then I realized the thing I was missing most was one of the playlists for that mood.  Not because I am sad, because I'm not at all.  It's just... because.

I think it's marvellous how listening to something you are craving can turn everything around.  Music to me almost acts as a mirror, and sometimes you can find a song that reflects the things you are thinking or feeling in a way that you don't quite know how to express.  What other medium can do that?  I suppose movies but everyone knows that!  It takes a bit more of a keen intellect to appreciate good music.  Not just the shit you hear on Kiss FM or something of the likes, but everything else.

How many of you have purchased a movie score simply to listen to the instrumental bits of a favorite film?  How many of you have gone on a wild downloading spree after watching a video on youtube and then clicking with reckless abandon on the video links running down the right side of the web page?  I have; I actually do it a lot.  How else are you going to find those hidden gems you otherwise never would have heard about?  Some of my favorite songs ever have never been played on the radio and I love that.

I don't love that it means the rest of the world won't ever get to hear it, but I love that I am one of a select group that gets to indulge in the tones.  Me and my freak memory can pinpoint where I first heard most of the songs in my iTunes library, either by movie or location.  And no, before you think it, not in an "alright, tell me where you were the first time you heard 'Tell Me What It Takes' by Aerosmith," way.  I associate music with certain times in my life.  My all-time favorite song is "Paint the Silence" by South, which I first heard while closing the American Eagle store in Appleton.

It happened to be on the soundtrack for season one of "The O.C."

I ran out and bought the album (one of the few compilation CD's where I still love every single song) and played it non-stop.  That was the summer of 2004, the best summer of my life, and everytime I hear "Paint the Silence" I am transported back to it in a way I can't describe.  The emotions of that summer, the happiness I had at being free of high school and fully coming out and everything that entailed.  Music does that for me.

I think it's important I keep my playlists fully-stocked, all the time.  This little event probably won't occur again until I buy another new computer, and even then I have certain safeguards in place to ensure it doesn't.  I've alrady tackled "Mellow - Sad," and I am so glad I did.  Maybe a little bit of self-reflection is what I need right now.  The days just keep getting hotter and the nights not really colder; this type of music tends to shift my focus towards fall which I suppose is just around the corner.

A few big events are quickly approaching in the next couple weeks, including but not limited to the day my best friend gets married and I have to share the title of soul-mate with her betrothed.  Those blogs will probably be pretty entertaining, re: emotional.  Huzzah for you!  I guess if I really wanted to make these more interesting I could just start taking my top off and posting the pictures more often.

But everyone knows that whores don't get a second chance.  Ciao!

hit the runway

I think most people would agree that summer is a fantastic season.  It just is.  You can run around shirtless (some people (in some places (not all places (duh)))) and soak up the sun nearly every day.  You can go tubing down the river with friends, take a walk through the crazy humid air that is so thick with moisture it feels like you can drink it, and drink as many margaritas as you'd like.  Or as I'd like, as it were.  Those are some of the reasons we love this time of year, right?  Because six months from now we'll be wishing for this weather as we suck in freezing air and feel our throats turn to ice.  Because we all can't live in California; ladies am I right?

One of the OTHER things I love about summer is that you never quite know what it is going to bring up or in.  For example, the grand openings of so many businesses in the area and the ensuing events that come with them.  And within those examples, perhaps, the grand opening of the Ash&Ember studio owned by my friend Ryan.  @caitcd, who works with him at his photography studio, asked me in early June if I wouldn't mind lending a hand for the grand opening event.  I of course said... of course...?  What I didn't know at the time was that it would lead to something else I could cross off my merry little list of Golden Things, but alas it did and here goes another blog toward my commitment:

#12 Hit the Runway; walk in a fashion show.

Earlier this spring when I tagged along with @markstyleme to a photo shoot I was able to "model" and get paid for it, so the natural progression of that would be to storm the runway, right?  Maybe in a pair of heels, maybe not.  Ended up being a resounding "not" but I'm cool with that.  @caitcd contacted me to let me know that Ash&Ember would be having a grand opening at the end of June (yes I know I am writing this in July, back off already!) and it would incorporate photography, video, and fashion in a multi-media filled night of fun and frollicking.  I added those last two verbs on my own, natch.

June kind of pranced by quickly as it tends to do and before I knew it the time had come for me to enjoy two days off of work that weren't REALLY two days off, as they were spent working for the studio.  On the 28th, @caitcd and I joined Ryan and a few others at Atomic Katz in Oshkosh, a fun vintage clothing store that was supplying some of the clothing for the fashion show.  Ryan had dubbed the evening "A Fashion Frenzy," so a specific theme needed to be adhered to.  Not too strictly so as to exclude the fun pieces (like the crazy 80's pants we picked out for @markstyleme to wear,) but mostly for the sake of the outfits fitting into the songs they were chosen for.  The first section of the show was Americana inspired, so that was fun in particular for me to pick clothes out for because I love classic American.  It ended up being a little skewed but most of the outfits were fairly iconic.  I myself got to wear an awesome cognag leather jacket and a navy blue fisherman's sweater from another store up in Green Bay called Beselli.  The second portion of the show was "Dream," and dealt with more eclectic and funky pieces.

Boy these blogs start getting dry, don't they?  I need something to bitch about again!  Anyway, keep reading, there'll be a treat later.

Okay, so we spent a good chunk of that day pulling outfits.  We goofed around a lot and joked a lot, and that was really great because it kept the mood light.  There was a lot of tension because there was a lot riding on this.  A couple hours spent in Oshkosh, lunch in Green bay and then a couple more hours pulling there.  Then we move on to the 29th and the day of the show.

I drove over to pick up @markstyleme from work around 1:30 and then together the two of us scooted on over to the studio in Menasha.  @markstyleme was one of four gents walking in the show, myself included, and there were about 15-ish or so girls walking in it as well.  Most of them were under 18, so that made for GREAT jokes throughout the day about innocence... and how the gays corrupt it.  Represent!

Immediately @markstyleme and I jumped into action organizing the runway show.  @sleetyboots, a FABULOUS friend and another Ash&Ember employee had done a great job of organizing the outfits into the six songs that would be playing, so all we had to do was put the outfits in order within those songs.  The work didn't stop there.  We had to start putting the outfits together, some of which didn't have any sort of bottom to be worn as well.  So @markstyleme and I started grabbing these girls (kids, somewhat) and grilling them on additional pieces of clothing and shoes they brought.  Who could wear what and when?  Who was walking too many times in a particular section of the show?  Who was old enough to wear a black bra under a transparent red top?  Were the time allowances for changing costumes enough?  All these things and MORE!  Oh my.

We put together a board of photos (seen above) that would end up being the "Go-To" for the rest of the show.  Every outfit, what shoes were to be worn, accessories with it, etc.  Then we had to train these kids on how to walk on the runway.  How to pose for the camera at the end of it.  All the while they are getting their hair styled, makeup applied, and the clock is winding down to our 7pm opening of the doors.

It was a very stressful 5+ hours of prep work, on a day that was hotter than shit and with the airconditioning in the studio not really doing a satisfactory job.  We were still forcing the girls up and down the runway when the doors opened and the obligatory early birds started pouring in.  So it was off to the backstage area where the dressing began.  We had an hour of final prep before Ryan went out and gave a sort of commencement speech to the crowd.  it was followed with a music-video he had made for the evening, and then the show started.

I can't really tell you how stressful and CRAZY it is backstage at a fashion show, at least one not held in New York by people that have been running them for years.  It was chaos for us.  I saw 17 year-old girls in bras and panties, tearing through the room to get changed in time.  I realized what it felt like to have sweat dripping from every pour on your body, worrying about the makeup on my face, and all the while putting on clothes that are loaned out and that I don't own.  Enjoy having my DNA on them, Atomic Katz and Besselli!  When it was time for me to walk the runway, I did it with a face of stone the first two trips down (refer to the above.)  Then I found out no one else was taking it as seriously as I was and I suddenly couldn't stop laughing during the second act of the show (refer to the below.)

The runway was a blur... it was a fairly surreal experience to have that many people looking at you at once.  Judging you (I would have been.)  Sexing you up (again, I would have been.)  You walk, hit your mark and turn, then walk again.  You get to the end of the runway, pose (somewhat, I sucked,) and turn and leave.  I remember hearing the cheers and screams, some of them from my friends that were spackled throughout the room.  When the lights dimmed and the show was over, I had a few moments to change my clothes and run out to the floor.  A lot of people had left pretty quickly but my friends remained.  I greeted them, soaked with sweat, and noticed the looks coming from the people I didn't know.

Common folk, you know.

That's when they started telling me I got the loudest cheers, to which I shrugged and said no I didn't.  And then other people told me and I couldn't help but blush (I maintain the cheers were because I was like a man-wall coming down the runway.)  And @caitcd was there and said my parents had come, which almost got me to cry because I hadn't expected them to make it and didn't make a huge deal out of the event to get them to come.  But they did... and it meant a great deal to me.  Made my night, actually.  So whatever, we took some pictures, popped champagne to celebrate, and the night was over.  With it, another item on my list of 26 Golden Things was over as well:

#12 Hit the Runway; walk in a fashion show.

Oh hey, wait, one more thing.  I very briefly mentioned in the last blog that I have been working on a video project.  The full details will wait until the end of the year, but suffice to say, I have been cataloguing everything.  My next blog post will likely include a short trailer for the video, but until then, enjoy a snippet from the finished product.  This one of course documenting the fashion show.  A very special thanks goes out to my lady Mo for taking the camera and filming the whole thing at the last minute.  Loves you!  Also a shout out to Anagen Eleven (Chris and Jess) for the fantastic hair and makeup!

Ciao, kiddos (c:

current days, re: daze

I don't like making excuses for myself as to why it sometimes takes me so long to write blogs, but I would like to take this opportunity to say that these "26 Golden Things" are KILLING me!  Yikes!  I achieve one and then start creating a blog and it almost turns itself into a roadblock for my creativity.  Gonna take a lot of determination to get through the remaining 15 but I'll do my best!

Incidentally, this blog has nothing to do with the 26 Things.  Wha-what!

I'm just writing to write tonight, for no rhyme or reason.  Which feels oddly foreign but I figured what the hell, I have it inside me right now so I might as well get it over with.  (Insert "that's what she said joke" here.)  I don't really have anything groundbreaking to talk about, but me being me, I'll talk anyway.

So I've been working at the Barn (refer to previous blogs if that title confuses you) for just under a month now, and I am pleased to report that it is going great.  Initially when I accepted the job I was a little afraid for a few reasons, one of them being the fear that I wasn't just burnt out on Express but that I was burnt out on retail in general.  Some people LOVE it and make a career out of it, and for a long time I did love it but that time had ended and I was left a little unsure.  In all honesty that first week at the Barn was terrifying because of everything that comes with a new job.

Of course you have the new people, the new registers, and the new return policy.  But what I had neglected to realize was that it would be an entirely new world all-together.  Understanding clothing and the ins-and-outs of your job after 8 years becomes second nature; being thrust into furniture and a new position is less than second nature, it's like... alien nature.  I'm so clever.  That first week was just hell because I kept thinking "Oh God, did I make the right choice?  Should I have left Express?  This is too hard."  I couldn't answer any customer questions.  I couldn't accurately ring a transaction without looking at the buttons I was pressing.  I couldn't explain the detailed return process and feel comfortable declining someone.  Most importantly, I didn't know shit about the product I was trying to sell.   Then I had to take a step back and ask WWJD?

That's not true.

But I did step back and remind myself that learning those things at Express took a large amount of time and that no one expected me to catch on to a whole new selling culture in a matter of hours.  Maybe days, but certainly not hours.  Needless to say I AM catching on and things are getting easier by the day.  At first I felt like I was going to be bored walking around a smaller store all day, but on the contrary I am fairly busy.  busy and calm, and that's amazing.  And I am learning all kinds of fantastic things.

Aaaaaaaaaaand I don't have to size clothes anymore.  Huzzah!

In other news I bought an iMac just over a week ago, making the official leap from PC to Mac and being pleasantly surprised at the ease of doing so.  I'm still learning (getting tired of all this learning) how to run the operating system, but I'm getting it, quickly and surely.  I started dicking around with iMovie tonight on the video project I have been working on all year (and will continue to do so) and I got super excited with the 30 seconds I can already watch.  I sound very simple in this blog post.  Note to self; work on sounding smarter-er.

What else what else... OH!  I went to my storage unit after work today.  (If you can't tell I'm really scraping the barrel for topics of discussion right now.)  Initially I went to remind myself visually of what all I own in terms of dishes and glasses, but then realized I hadn't been there since January.  Then I panicked because when it was raining like a cheap hooker last month a bunch of places were flooding and MAYBE my stuff was damaged.  I was happy to see it hadn't been upon my arrival, but there was a large amount of mouse poopies on my couch which made me cringe.  I ended up spending just over two hours going through boxes and rearranging them to make more space in the unit.

Only came across one or two things involving the dreaded-ex and I attacked them with an "OH MY GOD KILL IT!" method.  That letter he wrote me and those pictures didn't stand a CHANCE!

I feel like I wasted your time with this but I also feel like I needed to just talk to clear out the residual thoughts of the last month before moving on into the second half of this year.  Several exciting things are on the way and I can't wait to share them with everyone (c:

Enjoy a good song in appology for not broadening your inner eye with my blog.  Ciao kids!