the january update

I always feel bad at the end of the month when I look back and realize that I didn't really write much for all of you to peek at. And what I did write, it wasn't actually very good (mostly that last blog, yech.)  Not to say this blog will be any better but hey... they're my words and you're still reading!  Unless you just left in which case I'm sorry and I'll try harder next time.

Does anyone else look at January as just the worst month ever?  If December is the crown jewel of the year then January in comparison is like... the shit running down your leg when you fart and don't realize what was up there.  That was graphic but I can't delete it (blogger's rules (so sorry.))  But seriously I think of December as the build up to the main event and then January is the hangover that lasts 31 days.

Not all January's are alike and for the most part (in recent years) they have been tolerable.  But this one was kind of a bitch, right Wisconsin?  We had a few snow storms (re:blizzards) and several days of below zero temperatures.  Tomorrow being one of them.  I had the flu and puked my guts out at work, calling in sick for the first time in years.  Split cuticles from the dry air, groggy eyes at the days that still seem so dark for so many hours, and a general lack of ambition.

But there were some good patches as well.

Such as the meeting of new friends.  And even if some of them were not necessarily new, the "strengthening" of said friends.  There is nothing quite like forging a bond with someone you weren't sure you ever would, platonic or not.  Sitting down and picking eachothers brains, that's rare for me.  I typically can analyze and figure a person out within minutes of meeting them (good judge of character over here) so when a rare bird comes along that intrigues me I just have to sit down with them to chat.  It's a great feeling and one that is more than welcome in the dog days of winter.  I'm not sure if that phrase applies to this season but I'll use it anyway.

Of couse there was the finalization of the "26 Golden Things" project that will be premiering in just two days plus a week.  When I think about revealing my passion project to the world I get intense butterflies and then a little queasy but I know it is all par for the course.  The final step of the project was the premier, and if I can get up in front of 40 of you and give a short intro speech WITHOUT crying then I will know I truly accomplished my goal.

I can't promise anything about the crying though.

Overall January is a month of relaxing and taking it easy before we start drawing in a collective breath to truly begin the year.  I always feel like it is a slowed down month, one where you aren't really expected much of other than to just show up to work, do your job, and go home.  If you can fill it with anything just a little bit more exciting then bravo and good for you!

As for me, I look forward to February.  Mainly because it starts tomorrow.  I doubt I'll have a lucky fella at my side come February 14th for the second year in a row, but that's okay.  I'm content; content with how things are and of course with where they are going.  You can all be my Valentine this year!  Kinda makes me sound like a whore but... if the shoe fits.  It's a big shoe though.

In all seriousness, thank you for being such great readers, fans, or family.  This month I crossed 3,000 blog views and that's a pretty hefty milestone in my own humble opinion.  Can we hit 4,000 by April?  Maybe.  Just do your part and share the word... words... the blog.  Just share the blog.  Spread it like wildfire because as the banner on my profile states, "a good spark would spread all over."

Happy end of January.  Toodles gang (c:

waking up

My blogs... my written words in general... seem to be in a constant state of flux.  I pop open four new tabs for blogs, title each, give them a short paragraph so that I remember what I was going to write about, and then set them aside for later.  In the interim I go back to editing my first book, tinkering with the old words in lieu of new ones and always always always continuing to polish.  And then there are nights like this, where my senses explode and I end up writing a completely fresh blog that doesn't resolve any of the earlier thoughts I had put down.  Win/win situation for you, and I suppose it's a win for me but who cares when you're the one writing it?  Har-de-har-har.

There are a lot of things that I want to write about that I just can't.  Long and short of it right there.  A few are things that make me want to climb buildings and scream in joy from the rooftops, and a few are things that I know I just have to keep safely concealed to myself.  It's hard to shut your damn mouth when you're a person like me (re: an open book,) but surprise of surprises I actually do know how to be silent every now and then.  For now I haven't been silent, I've been singing instead.

I keep coming back to that middle line; over and over I keep coming back to that middle line.  I think about it when I'm not listening to the song, of course when I am listening to it, and the moments in-between when I have free time to think about it.  The funny thing is it isn't necessarily that great of a song, it's just one to hit me at the right time.

2012 was spent largely by putting my love life on the back-burner.  Could I have dated?  Sure.  Did I want to?  Nope.  It was a form of self-preservation due to having too much on my plate and not enough time to devote to someone not already in my immediate circle.  Someone new.  But then of course new people have come along, and to ignore that fact would be a foolish thing because some of these people are truly fantastic.  Are any of them potential loves, the fresh starts I've been looking for, or the ones to sweep me so willingly off my feet?

I dunno.

And that's okay, y'know, because good things come to those who wait.  But the song has really opened my eyes with that short sentence; there really isn't any time to waste.  I'm (tricky sentence alert) not in a hurry by any means but I suddenly feel as if I've been missing out and that in-and-of-itself MAKES me feel like I'm in a hurry.  When the end of the year came and I wrapped up the strings surrounding my video project, I was glad to have nothing to do.  The ha-ha-larious thing about having nothing to do is that it actually forces you to start thinking about things to do.  What should you do?

Well I have been spending time with these new people.  Getting to know them and who/what they are. And some have turned out to be... exciting, for lack of a better word.  I don't want to go too in depth about it because to do so would jinx it and I'm not feeling in the mood to do that by any means.  So I shan't.  The part about all of it that is only just now sending me over the moon is the awakening I've experienced.  2012 made me realize that happiness didn't come with the material things I could buy.

Will 2013 make me realize said happiness comes when I am ready to let it in?  Maybe so.

The "shift" has happened in me and I feel myself looking forward to things I haven't looked forward to or even thought about in months.  Things I haven't thought about in a year, come to think of it.  For crying out loud I have to stop myself right there because I'm going to say something I shouldn't and slide backwards on my vow a few paragraphs ago.  Shut 'yo mouth, bitch!  Sorry to disappoint.

This blog is shorter than most and I appoligze for that.  I just had to scrape the thoughts off my chest and toss them out to the ether.  I suppose the real message was, um... well I guess it was hidden in the subtext.  I hope you were feeling astute while reading.

Good things are coming (c:

a new resolution part II

I usually sit here for a good five minutes, holding my hands above the keyboard and then moving them away, then moving them back and typing two words before moving them away once more.  I never know how to start!  Did you know the only mammal in the entire world that can't jump is the elephant? Consider your mind blown and the blog started, sugar-tits!

So, New Years Day, the only day of the year when people feel they can repent for past transgressions and expose a bright, shiny new exterior for the world to look at by merely saying they are going to "change."  I think using the word "change" covers all manners of sins, don't you?  You can be changing anything from not being a smoker any longer to not beating your spouse.  Because who ever says they are going to change for the worse?  No one that I know.  People say they are going to change because they plan on changing into a better person.  A transformation from weaker to stronger.

New Years resolutions are great things because they give us a reason to try.  They give us a reason to lose those ten pounds, to stop smoking, to stop drinking so much.  Reason to save a little money, let things go (or care a little more.)  I think aside from this one day of the year, we require a fairly large life event to get us to want to change.  Maybe we do it today because the rest of the world is and to do so means we are cool by association?  I dunno.

What I do know is that by setting a goal for yourself you are setting a bar that only you yourself can reach.  I'd always given up on reaching said bar in the past, usually within a few weeks of the holiday, but last year marked a change of pace in that.  It is because of my achievements in 2012 that I feel I can set a few equally high ones for 2013.  No, there will not be a cataloguing of a list of things like last year... that's a bit "been there done that" for me.  At least until I'm 40 or something.

The biggest lesson I took from last year and my resolution of vowing to experience 26 new things is that by simply trying (and hopefully nailing it) you better yourself as an individual each day.  Even if you do fail, at least you tried, and no one can ever blame a person for trying.  We only blame the smokers when they try for a week and then start smoking again (I don't know why I'm on spewing so much vitriol for smokers today.... sorry if you're one of them, I still lurve you!)  It was a step-by-step year to becoming something "else" and what that "else" would be, I never knew until the end.

The "else" that I became isn't necessarily leaps and bounds different than who I was before, but there has been a shift within me and a certain amount of clarity to the things that really matter and the trivial caca-doodoo that never did.  I learned how to let go and just enjoy things as they came around.  I love something Margaret Mitchell once wrote that I just found saved on my hard drive the other day.   She wrote "I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new.  What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken pieces as long as I lived."  Live and let die, c'est la vie, that whole song and dance.  Lesson learned.

There was no kiss for me last night... there was no special individual to look at and think with a sigh "the fresh start begins with you."  But there were a few great friends and the prospect that things are still changing for me.  Whether they change to the point I'd like them to remains to be seen, but I'm open to the possibility and that's all I am about right now.

So for 2013, what do I have in store?  I have four separate resolutions, because of course one is just NEVER enough. #overachiever

1. Take The Onyxus Chronicles: Episode I and spruce it up to meet my level of satisfaction.  Send it off to a publisher.  The idea of course being publication, but the goal actually being to just get the process started.  No one ever got ahead by sitting on their behinds!

2. Speaking of behinds... get into the best physical shape I've ever been in.  That's partially not a fair goal because I currently AM in the best shape I've ever been in, but there is always room to exceed, yes?  There is no set goal for my appearance by the end of the year, just that it is better than it is now.  I think that's plenty fair.  But I did vow that if I had a six-pack by Halloween I would fore-go drag and actually be a dude.  I may get a mixed response in that aspect.

3. Move out on my own.  Enough said.

4.  To quote an angry Norman Osborn is the original Spider-Man when he got stabbed in the back by that chubby coworker of his, "Back to formula?"  Back to formula indeed!  This year marks 12 years since I started writing my books.  When I sat down the other day to begin re-reading the original (and subsequently re-editing it,) I was amazed at how much I missed it.  After finishing the third book last June I didn't spend ANY time on the series for the rest of the year and that is just a crying shame because I love it so much.  By saying I am going back to formula, I am saying that this year I will put a focus on playing up my strengths.

The great thing about last year was that I started to understand the things that I am good at that in some small way set me apart from everyone else.  There were certain aspects of my personality that came to light and others that withered away, and I'm totally cool with it.  So for 2013 I'd like to capitalize on my strengths and actually DO something with them.  To be determined, or course.

In the end, who knows where I will be in 365 days, either geographically, mentally, or otherwise?  A lot can change in a year.

I know I did.