waking up

My blogs... my written words in general... seem to be in a constant state of flux.  I pop open four new tabs for blogs, title each, give them a short paragraph so that I remember what I was going to write about, and then set them aside for later.  In the interim I go back to editing my first book, tinkering with the old words in lieu of new ones and always always always continuing to polish.  And then there are nights like this, where my senses explode and I end up writing a completely fresh blog that doesn't resolve any of the earlier thoughts I had put down.  Win/win situation for you, and I suppose it's a win for me but who cares when you're the one writing it?  Har-de-har-har.

There are a lot of things that I want to write about that I just can't.  Long and short of it right there.  A few are things that make me want to climb buildings and scream in joy from the rooftops, and a few are things that I know I just have to keep safely concealed to myself.  It's hard to shut your damn mouth when you're a person like me (re: an open book,) but surprise of surprises I actually do know how to be silent every now and then.  For now I haven't been silent, I've been singing instead.

I keep coming back to that middle line; over and over I keep coming back to that middle line.  I think about it when I'm not listening to the song, of course when I am listening to it, and the moments in-between when I have free time to think about it.  The funny thing is it isn't necessarily that great of a song, it's just one to hit me at the right time.

2012 was spent largely by putting my love life on the back-burner.  Could I have dated?  Sure.  Did I want to?  Nope.  It was a form of self-preservation due to having too much on my plate and not enough time to devote to someone not already in my immediate circle.  Someone new.  But then of course new people have come along, and to ignore that fact would be a foolish thing because some of these people are truly fantastic.  Are any of them potential loves, the fresh starts I've been looking for, or the ones to sweep me so willingly off my feet?

I dunno.

And that's okay, y'know, because good things come to those who wait.  But the song has really opened my eyes with that short sentence; there really isn't any time to waste.  I'm (tricky sentence alert) not in a hurry by any means but I suddenly feel as if I've been missing out and that in-and-of-itself MAKES me feel like I'm in a hurry.  When the end of the year came and I wrapped up the strings surrounding my video project, I was glad to have nothing to do.  The ha-ha-larious thing about having nothing to do is that it actually forces you to start thinking about things to do.  What should you do?

Well I have been spending time with these new people.  Getting to know them and who/what they are. And some have turned out to be... exciting, for lack of a better word.  I don't want to go too in depth about it because to do so would jinx it and I'm not feeling in the mood to do that by any means.  So I shan't.  The part about all of it that is only just now sending me over the moon is the awakening I've experienced.  2012 made me realize that happiness didn't come with the material things I could buy.

Will 2013 make me realize said happiness comes when I am ready to let it in?  Maybe so.

The "shift" has happened in me and I feel myself looking forward to things I haven't looked forward to or even thought about in months.  Things I haven't thought about in a year, come to think of it.  For crying out loud I have to stop myself right there because I'm going to say something I shouldn't and slide backwards on my vow a few paragraphs ago.  Shut 'yo mouth, bitch!  Sorry to disappoint.

This blog is shorter than most and I appoligze for that.  I just had to scrape the thoughts off my chest and toss them out to the ether.  I suppose the real message was, um... well I guess it was hidden in the subtext.  I hope you were feeling astute while reading.

Good things are coming (c: