I bet you're sick of me, but here I am again, writing. Writing and writing and writing. I think this is my... sixth blog this month (I know it is, actually). But it's technically my seventh because my lazy ass waited until the 1st to write for February. That's irrelevant.
So how's everyone? Doing splendiferously well? All the things?
Good. That's good.
Oh, me? So funny you'd ask! I'm really tired!
I feel like March was the month of reconnecting. Open to interpretation in a few ways, but it really boils down to one inalienable fact, and it's that I've reconnected to what it feels like to be putting myself out there.
After I stepped away from Facebook in the fall of 2020 (and entirely deleted it in mid-2021), as well as deleting all of my Instagram followers (save for maybe 75 people), I pushed myself away into a void of... I don't know what to call it. Removal? Is the 'removal void' a thing? That's really what it was, anyway. I stopped giving people on the periphery of my life the choice of following me and what I was doing. Not that I was doing anything extraordinary, but I just felt that at the time, I didn't want to be watched by the peanut gallery anymore.
I've said this a few times as of late, but opinions are like assholes, and everybody's got one. And I'd grown tired of opinions.
I think the stark reality of March 2024 compared to, let's say... April 2021... is that it's not how I've grown tired of opinions; I just don't really accept them anymore. We all know you get a bit more stuck in your ways as you age, which is an excellent way of saying you become a stubborn shit, and I certainly don't intend it to come across that way. I think I've just learned how to not only remove myself from what people think of my actions but how to voice my own hot-take with a complete lack of interest in what they're telling me I should do.
It's a fine line to walk, between coming across as "well I am blazing my own path and my own trail, and I will do it the way I want to do it," and coming across as a frigid bitch that you just can't talk to. I don't always walk it well, to be honest, but it's a developing trait and one I hope to hone.
Any day now.
With all of the blogs I wrote this month and recording the first two videos of restoring_sean, there was so much work going on behind the scenes to be stressing out over. When I started this little idea of sharing my houses and what it took to make them what they'd be, knowing I have the gift of gab (when I want to), I figured I could sit in front of the camera and start talking. Over the last few months, that was honed down to the reality of what it would actually need to be, which was scripted.
Not like... verbatim scripted... but an outline with plot points that I needed to cover.
Because I'll forget details otherwise, y'know? As I started writing the outlines down, more memories were coming back, and that added a specific pressure of "you better get these down on paper now because if you don't, you're not gonna be able to come back and share them organically." And though it's all edited and the whole process is not "off the cuff," it's still supposed to feel organic, right? I am supposed to feel organic, and honest and approachable with these stories. That's the whole friggin' point behind starting a business, lol; you better be approachable otherwise you won't get clients. But each post is essentially an entire blog, just spoken.
Then, once I did start to record (which I put off until WAY too late in the game, truth be told), I didn't know what version of myself to be.
I'm different with different people, and I think most of us are like that. What you do with one friend, you may not necessarily do with another. That includes the stories you tell, the words you use, the mannerisms you express, etc.
So what version do I present in the video? Affable, humble, a bit sarcastic, a bit self-deprecating, confident but not TOO confident... and I feel I succeeded.
But then some feedback on the video comes along and "it's not the you that I know," from a couple people, which sorta stings. Not from a "you hurt my feelings" standpoint (even though it does because it's a rebuke of your actual personality), but it stings because there is no RIGHT version. What one person loves about you, maybe another cannot stand, so you project this amalgamation of traits that should appeal to the masses. But then if it's turning individual people off that know you well... then what do you do?
I dunno.
Chuck it in the fuck it bucket I suppose, because again... opinions and assholes.
In a way, you start living in this bubble of reality, and that's hard to explain, but I'll try to. When you start living for other people (as I do regarding the blogs and now, really, the YouTube content), you lose sight of what's immediately around you. I start to feel like I'm operating in two worlds. Does that make sense? There's the world at large that will hopefully be taking in the content I'm generating, and then there's my small one with those directly around me that I speak to, eye-to-eye.
I guess it's good to start realizing this now when there's still MORE than enough time to pivot and determine how I want to address this and adapt to it. Not that my social media status has been blowing up or anything like that, so no worries, I'm not like... J. Lo delulu on any of this.
But the Sean in this blog, Mr. Musings of a Self-Proclaimed Author? He's not the entirety of me. And restoring_sean, well, he's not either. To put it plainly, you don't act one way with your closest friend, and then mirror that behavior EXACTLY at work. You can't walk into your corporate job and greet the CEO with "Hey there, good mornin' fuck face!" and if you can, bully for you.
Hopefully, you see my point here though.
This could also stem from the preternatural belief that I don't want people to ever feel like they've got me pegged, or that they can try to portray that they know me better than I know myself. When that happens, to me it feels like... I don't know; it feels like a violation. Are you readin' me on this? I totally get it if someone calls you out for saying "hey, driving your car the wrong way down the highway... that's a bit out of character for you," because sure, that's understandable. But when people try to keep you in a box of "this is who you are to me, who you always have been, and though you're maybe not that way for everyone else, you must exist only as this for me." That's when I get huffy.
I don't know... I think I'm just tired. And I'm incredibly determined for this new venture to stick, which also exacts a toll on my energy. I'm also curious about the reactions of the people around me who will watch in either encouragement or their surprise or disbelief or even, as I've gently noticed, cynicism. I know who you are, and it's okay. I'm doing this for me, not you. And for the people who reached out and watched the first video and had such lovely things to say, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart, wherever you are in the country sending those warm thoughts to me, because it continues to light the fire I have burning. Thank you.
So, what else happened in March? Started the month sick as a dog, continued to gain and lose and gain and lose weight, tore out the ceiling in the basement stairwell, and watched from afar as the people across the street had a new driveway pour. Compelling stuff. Knocked a 60ft tree down in the backyard, bit by bit, merely scratched the surface of garden work (thanks to global warming), and finally opened up the gates to talking about this house. I began tossing the clothes that just no longer fit (length, not width), I learned how to make a great fruit and granola parfait, and ultimately, enjoyed learning how to speak with all facets of my voice again. Also I cut my hair off.
Ciao for now (c:
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