I want to write and I want to say something but I don't really know what it is that I want to say. A small part of me wants to scream at the tops of my lungs right now and another part of me wants to turn the light off and just go to bed. Why is that? Two feelings/emotions that are completely at odds with themselves yet seem to make perfect sense given my current situation and present circumstances.
I think it stems from being uncomfortable with my living situation. I love living with my parents... I love being able to see them everyday and visit with them and get to know them, but at the same time I took a huge step backwards when I moved home. I spent two years away from the nest, having moved out when I was 23. My goal had always been to move out and never have to move back in again, but I guess the mistake was that I moved in with my ex Ken, full knowing I would never be able to afford the rent/utilities on my own. After those two years he just couldn't keep his junk in his pants any longer and the harsh reality of the situation was that because of him, I wouldn't be able to live on my own anymore. I hate him for that.
What makes this predicament increasingly difficult is that I look at these apartments on Craigslist and just grimace at the pieces of shit they are. I lived in two nice duplex's. The first one, on Greenlawn, kinda sucked because it was made shitty and only looked nice if you squinted. It was our first place, so of course it wasn't perfect. But the duplex in Wrightstown? I loved it. I loved everything about it (except for how far from Appleton it was.) That place was gorgeous, looked gorgeous with my stuff in it, and held a lot of happy memories. I remember moving into that duplex and feeling like I was finally an adult. Oh well; it's hard to resign to the fact that you can't afford something fancy on your own, and that the thing you CAN afford on your own doesn't scream your name or show your personality by any means. If I had the savings I would just buy a house, but even that isn't true. Buying a house means I am tied here, and that is the last thing I want.
Right now what I want to do is pay off my bills, take a trip out of the country, and then come back and let shit get real. Buy a new car, figure out my life, get a move on. If anyone has any tips or tricks on how to do this, I am all ears. Really, I am. I think a lot of it is just getting of my ass and figuring my life out. Stop feeling guilty for not making everyone happy and just work on making myself happy. Sounds selfish, but can you think of a better reason to be selfish? Making yourself value things once more even if it means pushing other, less pressing matter (i.e. people) to the side? I don't think so... but if so, good for me. It'd be about time.
Funny that I didn't think I would be turning to this blog so quickly to get my thoughts out of the ether I call my mind. Clever me.
Showing posts with label Ken. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ken. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
that restless feeling
I don't know if this ever happens to anyone else, though I assume it does because to think I am one of a kind in some areas (as opposed to all, because if everyone is special then no-one is,) would be just silly. Lately I have had a problem with turning my mind off, namely at night. Obviously not in the sense of "hey mind, turn off," but in the way where you lay back for bed, close your eyes, and memories/thoughts/ideas/feelings just start zoom-zooming around your consciousness like those hicks at the Daytona 500.
A large part of it stems from the relics of my past, namely those regarding my ex Ken and all of the drama, nay carnage, I endured. A few nights ago I thought that I could help myself fall asleep by playing some music. I mean, that's the precise reason one of my iTunes playlists is "Of the Most Soothing," right? So I plugged my iPod in, hit play, and let the music do my thinking. Fairly quickly I realized my mistake because a song came on that essentially catapulted me back to the beginning of my relationship with Ken, when it was still good. So that kinda blew. Most days I am just fine if I have to think back on the "things that were," but every now and then something will creep in under the radar and really throw me into a funk.
It's easy for me to be sad about what happened, but in that same regard, it is easy for me to be happy that it is over. One of those double edged swords, y'know? So that's one reason my mind races; memories of how I could have done something different, and would I, given the chance? Probably not. You can't write a book series (as I am attempting,) with the simple and finite message of "what's done is done and there is no going back."
Another problem during sleepy time is the feeling that I am turning into someone I never wanted to be. Not to say that is a bad thing, because it isn't; for the most part I enjoy the man I have grown into. But there are a lot of feelings lately that I'm not doing what I was supposed to be doing. I'm a few months shy of turning 26 and feel as if I haven't really accomplished much with my life. I never had a HUGE ambition to accomplish things, so I don't know what I expected by this age, but it was certainly more than I have right now. I posted a status a few days ago on Facebook that said "if you don't like something, change it," and it is an idea that I am only just beginning to really apply to my life. I read an article recently about how to stop becoming a people pleaser, and in the article it said that you are only able to handle as much as you are willing to tolerate. Not really brilliant words, but strong words that beg to be followed. They certainly ring true for me. The article blatantly pointed out that there is only trouble ahead when you live for the approval for others, and that is true as well.
I think at the end of everything, my mind races because I just can't make it up in regards to what I want to do with my life. That ominous clock is ticking, and not to say that time is running out, but that I am getting older. To quote Woody Harrelson, it's time to nut up or shut up.
On this I will meditate. Goodnight ya'll.
PS, thanks for the 113 page hits in two days. I guess my words DO mean something!
A large part of it stems from the relics of my past, namely those regarding my ex Ken and all of the drama, nay carnage, I endured. A few nights ago I thought that I could help myself fall asleep by playing some music. I mean, that's the precise reason one of my iTunes playlists is "Of the Most Soothing," right? So I plugged my iPod in, hit play, and let the music do my thinking. Fairly quickly I realized my mistake because a song came on that essentially catapulted me back to the beginning of my relationship with Ken, when it was still good. So that kinda blew. Most days I am just fine if I have to think back on the "things that were," but every now and then something will creep in under the radar and really throw me into a funk.
It's easy for me to be sad about what happened, but in that same regard, it is easy for me to be happy that it is over. One of those double edged swords, y'know? So that's one reason my mind races; memories of how I could have done something different, and would I, given the chance? Probably not. You can't write a book series (as I am attempting,) with the simple and finite message of "what's done is done and there is no going back."
Another problem during sleepy time is the feeling that I am turning into someone I never wanted to be. Not to say that is a bad thing, because it isn't; for the most part I enjoy the man I have grown into. But there are a lot of feelings lately that I'm not doing what I was supposed to be doing. I'm a few months shy of turning 26 and feel as if I haven't really accomplished much with my life. I never had a HUGE ambition to accomplish things, so I don't know what I expected by this age, but it was certainly more than I have right now. I posted a status a few days ago on Facebook that said "if you don't like something, change it," and it is an idea that I am only just beginning to really apply to my life. I read an article recently about how to stop becoming a people pleaser, and in the article it said that you are only able to handle as much as you are willing to tolerate. Not really brilliant words, but strong words that beg to be followed. They certainly ring true for me. The article blatantly pointed out that there is only trouble ahead when you live for the approval for others, and that is true as well.
I think at the end of everything, my mind races because I just can't make it up in regards to what I want to do with my life. That ominous clock is ticking, and not to say that time is running out, but that I am getting older. To quote Woody Harrelson, it's time to nut up or shut up.
On this I will meditate. Goodnight ya'll.
PS, thanks for the 113 page hits in two days. I guess my words DO mean something!
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