I don't know if this ever happens to anyone else, though I assume it does because to think I am one of a kind in some areas (as opposed to all, because if everyone is special then no-one is,) would be just silly. Lately I have had a problem with turning my mind off, namely at night. Obviously not in the sense of "hey mind, turn off," but in the way where you lay back for bed, close your eyes, and memories/thoughts/ideas/feelings just start zoom-zooming around your consciousness like those hicks at the Daytona 500.
A large part of it stems from the relics of my past, namely those regarding my ex Ken and all of the drama, nay carnage, I endured. A few nights ago I thought that I could help myself fall asleep by playing some music. I mean, that's the precise reason one of my iTunes playlists is "Of the Most Soothing," right? So I plugged my iPod in, hit play, and let the music do my thinking. Fairly quickly I realized my mistake because a song came on that essentially catapulted me back to the beginning of my relationship with Ken, when it was still good. So that kinda blew. Most days I am just fine if I have to think back on the "things that were," but every now and then something will creep in under the radar and really throw me into a funk.
It's easy for me to be sad about what happened, but in that same regard, it is easy for me to be happy that it is over. One of those double edged swords, y'know? So that's one reason my mind races; memories of how I could have done something different, and would I, given the chance? Probably not. You can't write a book series (as I am attempting,) with the simple and finite message of "what's done is done and there is no going back."
Another problem during sleepy time is the feeling that I am turning into someone I never wanted to be. Not to say that is a bad thing, because it isn't; for the most part I enjoy the man I have grown into. But there are a lot of feelings lately that I'm not doing what I was supposed to be doing. I'm a few months shy of turning 26 and feel as if I haven't really accomplished much with my life. I never had a HUGE ambition to accomplish things, so I don't know what I expected by this age, but it was certainly more than I have right now. I posted a status a few days ago on Facebook that said "if you don't like something, change it," and it is an idea that I am only just beginning to really apply to my life. I read an article recently about how to stop becoming a people pleaser, and in the article it said that you are only able to handle as much as you are willing to tolerate. Not really brilliant words, but strong words that beg to be followed. They certainly ring true for me. The article blatantly pointed out that there is only trouble ahead when you live for the approval for others, and that is true as well.
I think at the end of everything, my mind races because I just can't make it up in regards to what I want to do with my life. That ominous clock is ticking, and not to say that time is running out, but that I am getting older. To quote Woody Harrelson, it's time to nut up or shut up.
On this I will meditate. Goodnight ya'll.
PS, thanks for the 113 page hits in two days. I guess my words DO mean something!
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