I want to write and I want to say something but I don't really know what it is that I want to say. A small part of me wants to scream at the tops of my lungs right now and another part of me wants to turn the light off and just go to bed. Why is that? Two feelings/emotions that are completely at odds with themselves yet seem to make perfect sense given my current situation and present circumstances.
I think it stems from being uncomfortable with my living situation. I love living with my parents... I love being able to see them everyday and visit with them and get to know them, but at the same time I took a huge step backwards when I moved home. I spent two years away from the nest, having moved out when I was 23. My goal had always been to move out and never have to move back in again, but I guess the mistake was that I moved in with my ex Ken, full knowing I would never be able to afford the rent/utilities on my own. After those two years he just couldn't keep his junk in his pants any longer and the harsh reality of the situation was that because of him, I wouldn't be able to live on my own anymore. I hate him for that.
What makes this predicament increasingly difficult is that I look at these apartments on Craigslist and just grimace at the pieces of shit they are. I lived in two nice duplex's. The first one, on Greenlawn, kinda sucked because it was made shitty and only looked nice if you squinted. It was our first place, so of course it wasn't perfect. But the duplex in Wrightstown? I loved it. I loved everything about it (except for how far from Appleton it was.) That place was gorgeous, looked gorgeous with my stuff in it, and held a lot of happy memories. I remember moving into that duplex and feeling like I was finally an adult. Oh well; it's hard to resign to the fact that you can't afford something fancy on your own, and that the thing you CAN afford on your own doesn't scream your name or show your personality by any means. If I had the savings I would just buy a house, but even that isn't true. Buying a house means I am tied here, and that is the last thing I want.
Right now what I want to do is pay off my bills, take a trip out of the country, and then come back and let shit get real. Buy a new car, figure out my life, get a move on. If anyone has any tips or tricks on how to do this, I am all ears. Really, I am. I think a lot of it is just getting of my ass and figuring my life out. Stop feeling guilty for not making everyone happy and just work on making myself happy. Sounds selfish, but can you think of a better reason to be selfish? Making yourself value things once more even if it means pushing other, less pressing matter (i.e. people) to the side? I don't think so... but if so, good for me. It'd be about time.
Funny that I didn't think I would be turning to this blog so quickly to get my thoughts out of the ether I call my mind. Clever me.
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