the april update: third edition

The April Update, also known as "The Blog that Refused to be Written," also know as the "No Fuckin' Place in the World" blog, is finally here.  Two weeks late.  Y'know, one of these days I'm going to post a monthly update so late in the game that it's going to be out the day before the next one is due.  I'm not going to apologize as if I were being paid to do these, but I feel like I should anyway.

Sorry 'bout it.

I really did sit down to write this blog several times but each time I just sort of wandered off, staring at the daisies and thinking about events coming up sooner than I realize.  It isn't so much that I don't have anything to write about, I actually do.  Loads of stuff.  Typically when I put these off and put these off, the resulting blog is typically good.  Sometimes not.  This blog in particular is (in hindsight as I go to click "publish") extremely random, but maybe that's just par for the course and something to break up the usual formula.  Anyway, on with it.

April was a fast month.  The months seem to habitually drag in the cold months until the world starts turning green again then everything seems to suddenly slip by so much faster.  At least that's what I find.  Do you?  Just the feeling of all things being relative I guess.  Remember that movie Deep Blue Sea that came out in 1999?  LL Cool J said it best: "Grab hold of a hot pan, a second can seem like an hour.  Put your hands on a hot woman, an hour can seem like a second."  I suppose in my circumstance it'd be hands on a hot man.  Or Derek.  I digress.

I'm sitting here in Starbucks right now on my 6 year old Toshiba laptop, the one I just dug out of the closet and brought back to life with a re-installation of Windows 7 (boom).  Only now as I type am I realizing the headphone jack doesn't work anymore and my music has been playing for the lovely crowd around me.  You're welcome!  I've got my ear-buds plugged into my phone now.

It has more music on it anyway.

::tosses hair::

I once lovingly referred to this place as "my" Starbucks but I don't think I'm allowed to do that anymore.  So many great spans of time have occurred between my sessions writing or editing here that I think claiming it as my own is silly.  But I do know I'm one of the few regulars and they (for the most part) all know my name without asking, so maybe carving my name into all of the table tops just now wasn't such a bad idea.  I dunno.

April got me to start understanding the reality of the situation set before me.  The encroaching date in August when Derek and I pack up and move to Austin is growing closer and closer and all I have been able to think about is that I want to finish writing my fourth book while still living here.  And by "finish" writing I of course mean "start it, work on it, and the complete it," because as stands only the outline is finished.  And if I were to finish the series here there would be a great feeling of having come full circle on one phase of my life.

That being said, it'd sure as shit be easier to come here in my days off and maybe even some evenings to indulge in a drink and write my book if I had a new laptop.  I've gotten so used to writing things on my Mac at home that typing on this keyboard feels foreign and weird.  I don't want to rest my wrists on the edges of it because it gets so warm so fast, and as a consequence my hands end up flying over the keys in a flutter of fingers and a blur of pale skin that needs to see some sunlight.  And if I can't listen to my tunes then what good are you!?

It should be noted that I just stepped away from this current blog to write three paragraphs of "the may update: third edition."  April certainly is the blog that refused to be written, and so far it hasn't really even been about anything at all.  Another rambler on a sunny day in Wisconsin!  But at least that means May will be on time, right?  On time-ish, at least.

There is a man that just sat down next to me at the "meeting" table because all of the other seats are taken.  I'm immediately uncomfortable because I don't like having my personal bubble invaded and I don't think I'm alone in thinking that.  He doesn't seem to be reading over my shoulder (re: hands) as I write, so for now I suppose he's cool.  He looks like Ben Kingsley but chubbier.  And less Middle Eastern... like maybe his grandparents were Middle Eastern but not his direct parents.  And just one of them, let's say grandma.  I'm just gonna say his name is Alec (with a C, not an X) and call it a day.

I've got a strange desire right now to watch 26 Golden Things.  I think I've been feeling incredibly nostalgic lately.  What was that quote from Mr. & Mrs. Smith... "I guess in the end you start thinking about the beginning."  I need to stop quoting shit.  Time here in Wisconsin is coming to an end and I know it and I guess I just want to relive everything great that's ever happened here before a new zip code claims me for its own and I develop a southern drawl.  Not an intense one that gets on your nerves like Matthew McConaughey's but more like...someone else.  I don't know, ask me later.

So what else happened in April that this blog so clearly did not write about in the very least?  Went to the graduation of @markstyleme from hair school, had the best Lemon Drop Martini of my life, and celebrated my best @kconn turning 30.  I sold 500 movies from my collection, I sold 3/4 of my book collection, and in the end felt so much lighter and just a little more organized for the future.  Celebrated Derek turning 24, saw a wonderful movie in The Age of Adaline, and had a great double date at Cannova's.  It's the nights like those that I think I'll miss the most.

For now I am content sitting here in a place I give full credit as my source of inspiration.  I wonder how many writers feel that way?  How many books does a person have to write in a public space before they should just dedicate said book to that place?  I don't know.  At least I don't know right now.  It'll be the last book of my series... it'll be the last book I write while living in Wisconsin.  There is an odd sort of finality to that, don't you think?  I think so at least.  Time will tell a tale.  Until then, toodles gang (c:

Sorry this blog sucked.

 

random truths, third edition

Welcome!  If this is your first time to one of the "Random Truths" blogs, I extend my most heartfelt apologies.  I mean welcomes.

Yes... welcomes.

I pop these puppies out every few months or so as "random" things occur to me.  If you feel so inclined, you can read part one here and part two here.  I thought for round three it'd be fun to label it as the "video edition."  And of course, I apologize if you're on your cell phone and this is taking forever to load.  These aren't as particularly random as the items in the other blogs, but again it's just to break with tradition and try something new.  Calm down.

1.) Obviously I'm gonna have to kick this off with some shameless self-promotion.  That should just be a given at this point ::tosses hair::  I actually wanted to post the entire "26 Golden Things" video but at some point in time Youtube decided to mute the audio.

Something about music copyrights.  I don't know.

I spent a year writing about "26 Golden Things" and if you're interested in the detailed account you are free to read about it here.  And if you are interested in watching it then just get a hold of me, I still have a few copies on DVD lying around.  As more time passes from not only starting that project but from finishing it as well, it now begins to feel like it happened to someone else.  Sure, I can still remember doing all of the things in the video, but that doesn't override the fact that it's mostly a series of fun snapshots of a person's life.  Re: my life.

You only put the good things out there, we all know this.  You don't take five pictures and then choose the semi-decent one to frame.  You choose the best one.  So the video is full of the best moments and the happiest times and the biggest laughs, and in a way it gives me a false portrayal of what 2012 was like.  But in the end it was still good.  And it's great to be able to look back on it with pure content.  Smiley face, exclamation point.

2.) When I was still working for Express I worked with @corkalynn in Green Bay at the Bay Park Square mall.  We did a lot of talking when we worked together and she encouraged me to do a lot of voices (because I can) and recite lines from movies (because I do) to make the hours go by quicker.  One day she posted a link on my Facebook wall and it was of the latest person to jump on the "Shit Girls Say" bandwagon.  Admittedly I was apprehensive because a lot of these things failed to inspire but I was wrong in this instance.

"Let's go to Miami!" 

I pull this video out way too often and laugh my ass off each time.  The second video is good but the "Fashion Week" entry is my favorite.  I know you're not for one second supposed to believe he's really a woman, but the fact that people actually would say the shit coming out of his mouth coupled with that beard caps off the hilariousness.  P'Trique and I could be best friends.

I'm also delusional.  There was a brief moment in time after this where we were going to make our own video, "Shit Retail Girls Say," but it never came to light.

3.) When I watch this, I can't stop my ass from moving in my seat.  I just can't.

Everyone loves a good 80's tune and "Kickstart my Heart" by Motley Crue is riiiiiiight up there for me.  This video has two things going for it: an awesome song and a MONTAGE!  We should all know by now that I am always always always down for a movie montage, particularly when it is well made.

In the summer when the air is warm and it's night time, I like to go driving.  Usually it's dusk and not totally dark but let's not be too picky.  I go driving with a big drink from the gas station or a milkshake to appease my inner fatty; it's a great time to just think about life and deep stuff like that with no one to bother you.  After this video came out I downloaded the song and went driving and found that as it started ramping up I had to roll the windows down and fuckin' floor it.  I had to!  Because of how the song is used in this video I start imagining all of the action scenes in my books, the show stoppers if you will, and I choreograph them in my mind as to how they would look in a film.  Call it a good imagination (or a bad one if you don't like the fight scenes in my books, natch) but it's what I do.

How many movies could you name from what was shown?

4.) Movie montages, while we're on the subject, are my favorite thing ever.  I could write a book about them.  I don't know why I've always responded so strongly to them but I guess it boils down to my love of movies and getting excited by someone else having the same level of interest.  Take the guy who made the one below as an example.

For five years he did these "End of Year" montages.  To be able to take a couple hundred movies that came out over the course of a fiscal year and combine the clips of them into a cohesive story is something I wish I had the time and patience to do.  It just flabbergasts me how he does this so perfectly.  The video above in particular is bittersweet for me because it was for 2012 (we know why I loved that year) and because it was the last time he made one of these.

His name is Kees Van Dijkhuizen Jr and I think he's nothing short of amazing.  He started making these things when he was 14 years old and achieved some pretty high praise in doing so.  He's 21 now and lives in Amsterdam, and I'd love to just pick his brain about how he did these.  He also has a great series called "Films Of" that chronicles the works of several big directors and all of the movies they have released (the Tim Burton and Christopher Nolan ones are quite good) and a few other passion projects intermixed (including a Harry potter Retrospective worth checking out if you're a fan of the series).

I look somewhat frequently at his personal website to see if he has come out with anything new but to no avail, he seems to be focusing solely on college work at the moment.  I think more than anything I just want more suggestions for music from him because I have downloaded each and every song he has used in all of his videos and have listened to them countless times.

K.  I'll stop fangirling.

5.) There will be a whole blog about Jurassic Park in about two months, don't you fret.  Otherwise JP is like the montages and I could ramble about it forever.  But this trailer in particular has gotten me more excited for a movie than anything in the last decade.  For reals.

Let's just say I have been waiting a very very long time for this movie to come along in the manner that it is.  Not necessarily a fourth installment to the franchise, but more accurately a look at what the park itself was supposed to be.  I read Jurassic Park when I was 10 and fell in love with the book as much if not more than the movie I'd already seen close to 200 times.  It was the very idea behind it that got me going (I was a dinosaur kid, not into space or cars or any of that stuff) and had my brain running too.

What would have happened if that fat ass Dennis Nedry hadn't ruined everything?  Would the park have actually worked?  Yes?  No?  We finally get a chance to find out this summer and that is what I've been waiting what feels like an eternity for.  And allegedly we get to see the old park and that has me pooping my pants in excitement.  I liked the teaser trailer for Jurassic World but the Superbowl spot they showed had me tearing up and getting all emotional because it looks like they finally did a good job with a sequel.  Time will tell on June 12th!

6.) The first R rated movie I ever saw in the theater was Scream, and my mom took my sister and I to see it for my 11th birthday (albeit in January of 1997, a few weeks late).  We were at Edwards Cinemas (not sure why I remember that) and I think there were only a couple other people in the theatre because it was during the day and in the middle of the week.  Thanks Year-round schooling with a long winter break!

The lights dimmed and we saw a few trailers and then the screen was black and you could hear wind rustling in the trees.  I remember thinking "It'd be so cool if they made a sequel to Jurassic Park."  Keep in mind this was before we had access to the internet, the gossip sites, the plethora of movie themed magazines, all that.  Really, my only sources would have been something like Entertainment Weekly and my parents didn't subscribe to that.  We had TV Guide, whoop-dee-doo.

Then I realized it was a sequel and practically leapt out of my seat in shock.  I feel this is still one of the best teasers for a sequel I've ever seen.  Shows you nothing really, save for a somewhat badly rendered t-rex, and gives you a date.  But with how huge of a movie Jruassic Park was in 1993, that teaser alone gave you something to look forward to.  The hope you could be wowed again.

The Lost World didn't really wow me like the original movie but it's still a fun ride.  Damn teaser trailers, sometimes they are fulllllll of trickery.

7.) A lot of times when hanging out with random friends at their houses, gradually we turn to watching videos on Youtube.  I then feel obligated to ask "Have you seen that video, blueberries?"  Usually people say "no."  Then I show them the magic.

The first time I saw it I screamed in laughter.  Then I kept rewinding it and laughing and screaming louder and harder.  Then I ran into my mom's room with my laptop and showed her, and she barked in laughter as well and kept having me rewind it just the same way as our eyes welled up with tears of joy.  It has turned into an easily quotable clip "Yumma!" between my mom and I and something she will regularly repeat even now.  Hope you enjoyed it too (c;

8.) I love movie scores.  I have more songs in my "Instrumental" playlist in iTunes than I do in all of of the other playlists combined and I pride myself on my collection.  I turn to certain albums when it is time to write books or blogs and chief among them is the score for Inception by Hans Zimmer.

"Time" is my favorite track on the album.  I don't really have much to say about it other than I find it hauntingly beautiful and sad.  To me Inception is a really sad movie and one that stays with you after you've watched it.  I love it, I love the song, and what surprises me the most is that it was this score that got me to change my mind about Hans Zimmer (never a fan before).

9.) Superman has been my favorite comic hero for a long time, but up until 2013's Man of Steel he'd always been kinda "one note" to me.  Sure he was fun to watch in the old movies, on Smallville, and that slightly lackluster 2006 entry, but when the trailer arrived for the newest version I was immediately hooked.  It even got me to dress up as him for Halloween that year (read about it here) and buck the trend of drag I had been embracing for the seven years prior.

And so much of it is the music!  There is so much heart in this trailer that it was impossible for me to not be counting the days for the movie to come out.  It's not often that trailers come around that have me rewatching them every few days because I love them so much.  I guess the big hope with a trailer like this is that the movie is going to make you feel the same way by the time it is finished.

It was great to be able to say that the movie did invoke the same feeling.

And Henry Cavill?  Yes please.

10.) TI can't explain this final video very well, other than to say Derek showed it to me after we had been dating for a couple weeks and there was something about it that stuck with me.

It's of course silly and a little odd, but I find it charming and heartwarming and so entirely innocent.  There's something a little more introspective about these videos than you would think at first and each one is pretty great.  And that final line?  Melt me.

"Guess why I smile a lot?"

"Why?

"Uh... cuz it's worth it."

That's all I've got for this video edition... maybe I'll do another one in a year.  And maybe another normal version of the random truths in a few months.  Until then, I hope you're all smiling.  As Marcel says, it's worth it.

Toodles gang (c:

the march update: third edition

What a busy month.  And you'd think I would have cataloged it appropriately so as to give an accurate and detailed account of what went on, but after writing this blog for nearly four years you should know me well enough by now.  And I didn't catalog it.

Whoops!  Here's a picture of a flower I took from the dentist to help you get over it.

I think as more time passes and I keep up with writing these updates (or kind of keep up with writing them), the format continues to change.  I used to give a detailed account of what I did throughout the month, maybe bookending it with major events and a few thoughts scattered in between.  But as of late I've really just felt like writing more about my mindset and less about the things that occurred.  I s'pose I decide the format so what I say goes, but I just felt like looping you in on that.

Geeze, don't jump down my throat!

The thing that struck me the most in March was the passing of time.  You can look at that in a whole manner of ways but the one that it boils down to is that I've lived in Wisconsin for 18 years as of March 15th.  That's a long time.  Probably not a long time if it's where you're going to spend the rest of forever, but from the day we moved here in 1997 I thought about moving away.  Initially it was back to Southern California, then for a long long time it was Chicago, but since 2009 it has been Austin.  When I set my mind on things I have a hard time letting go of them.  You know this.

So that being said, since I met Derek I've been thinking more and more about leaving Appleton.  More and more about getting on with things, with life and my book and work and all that jazz.  So, in order to get one with the easiest of those things, I reached out to the powers that be and scheduled everyone to come and shoot the final pieces of my book covers.  We had some re-shoots to take care of as well as a new character to figure out (ears, I tell ya, make things difficult).  As happened last summer, I had some booze and snacks and it was really just a couple of hours spent with really great people having a really great time.  Sadly @klreynol could not be present but she was there in spirit!

Saphrinity Nargos

And also as happened last summer, I got a little emotional seeing these characters come to life once more.  It's an interesting thing to write so much about people that are not real, in places that certainly are not real, and then see "them" standing in front of you.  I love the silhouettes so much because they allow me to imagine these characters exactly as they are in my mind.  It wasn't a ground-breaking idea but it was a good one and I'll never re-think that decision.  You get an outline of a person and then you can fill in the rest of the details yourself.

To me, the worst thing about books being made into movies is that you have to let your own vision of that world die.  Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, The Hunger Games, etc; they are all great movies in their own right but they are not necessarily accurate to the books.  They aren't what I thought they would be.

I know the cheese doesn't stand alone.

The Onyxus Chronicles: Episode II main characters:

Saphrinity Nargos, Aurora Genesis, Banning Sol and Tristan Nargos

But we did get the shoot done that night, I put on the mantle of "Banning" one last time (yes, I'll reveal officially that I am him (like you hadn't figured it out (surprise if not!))), and then that was a wrap.  I spent the morning of the next day photoshopping to get everything ready to send off to my brother for "assembly" of the cover, and then it was time to hitch up my suitcase and climb aboard a plane to finish the biggest part of the month.

I'd been planning since @klreynol left town in October to visit her in Arizona, and decided in January that I would actually do it and then slingshot over to Austin to visit my brother.  It was early February when Derek decided he'd go to Austin with me to explore and see if it could be a potential place for him to live, as I so often mentioned it was for me.  I would fly to Mesa on Monday the 16th, then to Austin on Thursday the 19th to meet Derek, and then we'd fly back home on Monday the 23rd.

The best

The weird thing about @klreynol and I is that for as hard as it was to say goodbye six months ago, we not once spoke on the phone between then and now.  We texted fairly frequently, had long conversations online, but never chatted with our voices.  I suppose that harkens back to how our relationship really began?  Rambling on AIM and whittling away the hours of the night because we had nothing else to do.  Of course I missed her (and she me I assume), but that's not something that can be cured by hearing a voice.  If it is, then that part of me is broken.  A text message does just as much for me as a quick phone call would.  More, actually, because I can just walk away at a certain point and not have to do the awkward dance of trying to hang up.

The BEST thing about @klreynol is that no matter how much time passes between seeing each other, there is no awkwardness at all upon reconnecting.  We slip into our old groove as if no time at all has passed... we just have a shit ton more to talk about.  And that's how the visit went.  Very smoothly, nice and warm weather, and plenty of conversation to fill a book.  I got to see her husband, her adorable little boys, and of course her immediate family that moved down as well.  It was a great trip and one I will make again sometime in the near future, after I get all of my other little duckies in a row of course.

It's a lot cheaper to fly to Arizona direct from a larger airport anyway (c;

Atop Mt. Bonnell

Now I hate to disappoint anybody that was potentially looking for a full detailed account of exactly what Derek and I got up to while we were in Austin, but I'm not going to rehash it here.  90% of the trip was spent doing things I'd already done down there.  I just wanted to share them with him so he could experience them and hopefully be as wowed and impressed as I was.  And he was.

I suppose the biggest take away is that we went down there together to see if it was somewhere Derek wanted to live, and the answer is yes.  And we will.  The current plan is to get down by August/September, which is kind of scary to think about when you realize it is only 4 or 5 months away.  It's something that has been building for a long time and I am just lucky to have someone to do it with me when I was so afraid to do it alone.  @klreynol and I always bonded over the fact that we hated going to new places alone for the first time (i.e. experiencing new things alone) and that was a big inhibitor for me going into this.

But then someone like Derek comes along and everything feels like it is just going to work.  Effortlessly, simply, and finitely.

A kiss that launches my heart (c:

Y'know, the other day I told him to meet me at the mall after work so we could go pick out some clothes for a special event coming up.  Derek doesn't normally meet me at work, there isn't any reason to, so it's not a place I ever actually see him.  I was standing around talking to my co-workers and saw him walking in and my heart jumped up in my throat.

I didn't tell him at the time because I didn't want to give him a big head (kidding), but I went into the backroom to get my things and told a co-worker about it because I was all flustered.  I think with this officially being my second-longest relationship, it's a good sign I can still get nervous and excited and sweaty when I see him.  The trip went better than I ever anticipated it would.  We had a blast on our own and with my brother, his kids, and my former sister-in-law.  I'm so excited to start planning for my future and I'm so excited that it is finally time to do so.

When we got back to Appleton, Derek officially moved in.  And in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, that's just fabulous.

So what else happened in March?  I started physical therapy for my constantly sore back, finished Episode II of my book, wrote the outline for Episode IV, and successfully visited the dentist and left without any problems.  Downsized my movie collection by about 500 movies, decided I hate Frontier Airlines, and started to love my job once more.  Celebrated a few birthdays, let go of a few insecurites, and in the end got back on track to living my life the way I had gotten used to after four years on my own.  The only difference is that I share it with someone else now.

Toodles gang (c:

the february update: third edition

I'm a few days late writing this, obviously.  I say that with a giggle and a blush as I hide behind my hands Geisha style, hoping no one can see me.

Of which they can't because I'm home alone right now and the cats aren't in here.

Anyway.

February has ended and with it goes the brutalness of winter (I've decided), my tenure as the Acting General Manager of my store, and the stress that has permeated my life the last few months.  Those are three really big things in my eyes but I understand if they aren't to you.  And I don't care either!  This blog won't be so much about what happened in February in my day-to-day life, but more so a retrospective look at what life in general has been since Thanksgiving and why I'm over the MOON it's finally changing.

I first heard I'd be taking over the store as the Acting General Manager in April(ish) of last year.  It wasn't a super huge shocker Courtney was pregnant, I knew she and her husband had been trying for a third baby so the fact that it worked was just logic.  And science!  The next several months were spent vaguely prepping for her departure.  Admittedly I didn't have my nose to the grindstone to take over as much as I should have (hindsight being 20/20 right about now).  The vast majority of my focus was spent on publishing The Onyxus Chronicles: Episode I in August, then the double whammy of Halloween and @klreynol moving to Arizona in October.  Suddenly it was November 1st, and in the blink of an eye everything seemed so much closer.

We hired five holiday employees which was all I thought we needed, two of them being my bests @caitcd and @kconn, as well as a friend Pam that I'd known since moving to Wisconsin in 1997.  People I knew I could (and would) rely on.  Aside from hiring them, I think I marched forward with that stubborn determination I usually resign myself to that I'm sure some of you know all too well.  "I can do this, no problem!  Nothing will change, it'll just be business as usual and no one will fuck it up for me.  Watch out world, I've got my sassy pants on and I'm rarin' to go!"

Aaaaand I was wrong.

I think miracles happen in small doses or weird circumstances, and from stage left enters Derek.  I met him in early November and by the 17th we were officially a "thing."  I didn't know at the time how much I'd come to lean on him for both emotional and physical support (more on that later) during my tenure as the boss, but like I said... miracles happen in small doses.  A few days later Courtney had her baby girl (a week early) and then it was sink or swim time.

Black Friday went smoothly in all honesty, but I knew it would.  It wasn't a big deal because it was my third at this store and my 11th (groan, I know) in retail.  By this point it was just routine.  You go through the paces, you eat a lot of food that people bring in that day, you laugh about a few shitheads you dealt with or regale people with stories of Black Friday's past.  Then the day's over.

After Black Friday, things kind of started to shift out of my favor.

Down our Bedding aisle with Carol Brady hair intact, 

this is the face of me on Black Friday morning.  Full of life!

Two employees quit on me, a third needing spine surgery in her neck that would take her out of commission for two months.  The mall manager told me that because of Eddie Bauer building a new store, they'd be taking over a portion of our 1,000 square foot off-site storage facility.  This meant we would have to move into a new location by the end of January, comprised of several weird hallways and a room of maybe 500 square feet.  This meant not only physically moving several several dozens of boxes, but selling off old/sale/damaged/boxed merchandise to make sure it all fit.  I started getting sick.  I became very sick and eventually landed in the hospital for it.

The days started to get longer, the questions from associates and other managers started to grow in frequency.  Because of me being the "one in charge" I was also suddenly the only one it seemed could answer questions.  About anything, from anyone.  All the time.

Do you know how frustrating that is?

Let me rephrase that.  Do you know how FUCKING FRUSTRATING that is?

But life goes on and I learned to deal with it.  Not everything needed an immediate answer, not everything needed to be able to interrupt a dinner date with friends or movie-time with Derek.  The fact that I still allowed it to do so was on me and I know that.  I'm a worrier (and I'm polite, natch) so I had to reply as soon as I could.

In conjunction with that, the gossip behind my back started.  I know people gossip, they do it all the time.  I do it too, don't get me wrong.  Going into this position I knew there would be certain individuals that would say "Courtney would do this better" or "Courtney would never allow this to happen," and that's fine.  She and I are very different people that run things differently and in a way, that's probably why we make such an effective team.  But this was mean gossip, words that not only embarrassed me but more than once just flat out hurt my feelings.  I expected it from one or two of the team but not from some of the others.  And that really sucked.  I would look these people in their respective faces and know what they had said, very aware they had no idea I had been informed of the fact.  I know it's a tired cliche to say but I realized how High School is never really over.

Bitches gonna bitch.

I reached out to my big boss about some of it and subsequently received no help.  I didn't get a returned phone call or e-mail or even a text message about it until two weeks later, at which point I said "fuck it" and let it go because it didn't matter anymore.  This was of course after the holidays had passed (that I'd been sick all the way through) and after the guilt-trips were handed to me for DARING to be sick Christmas Eve.  Because there is nothing worse in the whole wide world than taking a day off after being in the hospital for 11 hours the day before.

At this point in my story, anything I share becomes a double edged sword because there is really no way to explain the rest without sounding like a total whiner.  And really, the amount of people I whined to consisted of Derek and two friends.  I didn't even talk to @klreynol about most of it because I was constantly exhausted and it wasn't worth it to bring up every little thing.  I utilized a song in the January Update called "Solo Dancing" and it paraphrases everything nicely.  You need a couple people to vent to but as an adult, you just force a grin and keep trudging forward.

Four weeks later and almost through December, on yet another 

(sometimes twice daily) conference call.  Starting to look run down.

I just don't want you to get the impression that I felt like I'd been shit on all over and then put out to pasture.  I mean, I did feel that way, but I didn't let on.  Because there was no point.  And if I felt that way, it was because I couldn't stop worrying about everything.  I lobbied for this position, I received it (and a raise) and I would do my time like a good soldier.  Or retail worker, as it were.  One in the same if you think about it!

The holidays were over, New Year's came and went, and things were somewhat settling down.  My health was finally improving and I was feeling a little bit more calm than I had been with the stress ebbing away.  Then things started shifting again because if everything's going your way, expect shit storms.  Another associate quit.  Then a full-time MANAGER gave me her six day notice.  I had to start getting offsite moved to the new location.  And to top it all off, the month of January is always a solid month of prepping for physical inventory.  Then I got sick with influenza.

I shouldered through, groaning as little as possible and trying not to go for martyrdom in doing things mostly by myself.  It should be noted that I had fantastic help from my other managers, from my stock team, and from several associates as well.  It should also be noted that the associates who weren't a fantastic help were at least trying to be.  And of course it goes without saying that a couple of them just didn't care at all.

You get that now and then.

My stress levels started spiking out of control and my quality of life took a plunge.  Being constantly sick, with hair that was falling out and breaking off, and an attitude that was becoming less than stellar, I was starting to only focus on the end.  Focus on Courtney coming back.

The old offsite before anything had been sold off or moved out.  Headache.

The last day of moving off-site in late January.  

I clearly look like hell.

We made it through January, warts and all, then we made it through inventory as well with very few hiccups.  The rest of February was spent with my eyes on the prize and trying to ignore any bitterness aimed toward me.  The bottom line of running a store is "are you making money?" and we were.  We did just fine and that's all that matters.  Some feelings may have been hurt along the way, some opinions may have been formed or changed, but what's done is done and there is no going back.  Would I have been in a different mindset had this happened in the summer?  Sure.  Would I have done a better job if I had the foresight to hire for a larger staff to alleviate the stress of everyone having to work all the time?  Yes.  But again, what's done is done.  Live and learn.

Toward the end of everything I reached the point that I was crying all the time.  I'd drive home from work and cry.  I'd sit at the desk in my office at home at night and try to work on the book and I'd cry.  I tried very hard and was mostly successful in keeping it hidden from people, but there were a few moments sprinkled in there where people saw through the facade.  The people who even knew there was a facade.  I got sick again, this time almost worse than the others because on top of the fevers and awful headaches, I lost my voice entirely.  You ever get to the point where the littlest, stupidest thing will set you off?  If no, you're lucky.  Because it's bullshit when you do.

I like to be a positive person in as many aspects of my life as possible, it's just easier that way.  I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and I rarely if ever go for confrontation.  But having this job pushed me out of my comfort zone and a lot of the ideals and morals I exhibited were washed away.  I didn't like who I became.  I had no time for artistic endeavours outside of work, no time for friends, no time for writing.  Derek, my helper and friend and listener and confidant and a million other things.... I made the time for him, but that was it.  Outside of him I was just too exhausted to even think about.  And I missed people.  I missed my family and my friends and writing.  Writing blogs, writing my books, writing notes to people, it all fell by the wayside.

But that's what's good about temporary positions, isn't it?  You get the chance to experience something and to learn and hopefully grow from it.  Ideally, without consequences.  I love kids, and some day I would like to have one or two, but for now I'm happy to play with the children of my friend's and then, y'know, give them back.  That's what this position was like.  "Sure, I'll play for a while.  When are we done?"

Courtney came back to work on Saturday the 28th, coincidentally the last day of the month.  On Friday I felt like it was the last day of school for me because I knew it was coming to an end.  Nothing was phasing me and the day was going by super fast and easy because I was carefree.  Working with her on Saturday, the stress just lifted off of me.  I felt alive and exuberant and free and happy.

Saying I felt happy makes me choke up right now because I didn't realize how unhappy I was.

Like I said, 20/20 in hindsight.

Saturday evening after my nieces birthday party, Derek and I went downtown to play cribbage with Mr. & Mrs. V at a bar.  It was a refresher course for me and a new endeavour for Derek.  The whole evening I felt like I had just finished running a marathon.  Not in the "Whoooo, I'm wiped out!" way, but the "Shitballs, I need to sit and think about what just went down."  While we were sitting there setting up for another game, Courtney sent me a text message.

"Thanks for a great first day back.  You should feel really proud of all the hard work you did over the past months."

It wasn't much, it wasn't a glowing commendation with songs of praise, but my throat got a little tight.  I showed Derek the text and he smiled and rubbed my leg under the table because he knew what it meant to me to read that.  Because, what it really boiled down to, was that I wanted to do her proud.  I wanted to hand the store back in the same condition it was handed to me, maybe a little worse for wear because of the trials and tribulations it went through in her absence, but the same none the less.

You can be told a million times by your friends that you are doing a good job, but really you just want to hear it from the person you look up to.  And I look up to Courtney very much.

In the end after all of the crap and nastiness I am still happy for this experience.  It taught me that yes I can do the job but maybe it's not the best position for me.  Not right now at least.  I never thought stress could do so much to a person but I wholly believe now that it can be a real monster.  I was lucky enough to have a safety net around me in the form of a boyfriend and a few people I call my bests, but without them I would have been lost.  I'm happy to step down and back into my role as the right-hand man, because I'm really good at it.  And it'll be nice to start doing a job again that I know I'm really good at.

So what else happened in February?  I didn't fuck up inventory, got some blond put back into my now healing hair, and continued to beat Derek at video games.  Made a little more room in my life for him, booked a trip to my future home, and made it to the dentist and back without any cavities or other problems.  Said goodbye to a real piece of shit person, said hello to a few old (good) friends, and spent Valentine's Day weekend secluded with the man I love.  Any man who can get me to smile like that deserves the title (c:

It was a long month (and a longer season) but with March I feel like the tide is turning and the gates are open for me to move onward to bigger things.  I need to finish the second book to keep my target date of May 1st for publishing.  I need to get some color when I go on vacation in a couple weeks to Arizona and Texas.  And most importantly I need to start planning for the rest of the year now that I have the mental space to do so.  After All, I've got a New Year's Resolution to keep.

Toodles gang (c:

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the january update: third edition

Can you believe I'm on my third year now of writing these monthly updates?

Christ, get a hobby, right?

2015 started with some pretty high hopes and I'm pleased to say that 31 days in, I'm still fairly hopeful.  January sort of handed me a couple bitch slaps coming from a few different directions but I'm still standing and that's all that matters.  Unfortunately this time around I can't say "I've dealt with this before," because for the most part it was stuff I had never before figured out on my own.  But I shouldered through it and in the end that's what counts.

Work is hard.  Love is easy.  Why did it take me so long to figure that out?  To realize it's not the other way around?  I always thought work was the thing that came as second nature to me and I could just do it with my eyes closed.  Maybe not for the first several months at my current job, but eventually I got the hang of it and at this point I can do anything you ask me to there.  With love, I felt the opposite.  With my track record it hardly ever works out for me; I struggle to find a middle ground with people and end up getting so annoyed with them (or myself) that I just cut ties and leave it in the dust.

I forgot how when you meet the right person, everything just clicks like magic and suddenly love becomes as easy as breathing.  You're probably wondering what this has to do with a monthly update and I'm getting to it.

Geeze!

I thought when Christmas was over and the holidays wrapped up, my job would be easier.  December really wore me down, both in spirit and health, and I was so looking forward to a calm January that would allow me to regroup my self-esteem, rally around and come back full-force.  That didn't happen.

For starters I kept getting sick.  There was a triumphant return of what ailed me in December, a couple other nasties to boot, and then influenza to cap it off.  I'm sure a lot of my sickness(es) had to do with work and the constant stress and pressure I was/am under, and maybe it's only coincidental that I started healing up as the problems started clearing out.  Who knows?  What I do know is it got bad enough I had to call into work for the first time in a year.

Coincidentally, it was the same week I called in with the flu last year.  And the year before, though thankfully this bout didn't involve puking or any other sort of projectiles from my body aside from snot.

You're welcome.

And the grievances things with work varied.  My staff was burnt out from the holidays, but with several key-members leaving the team I couldn't give them a break because I simply didn't have enough bodies working in the store to do so.  A full-time visual manager gave me a 6 day notice (I'd like you to picture what my face looked like when that happened).  The mall had us move our off-site storage facility, downsizing from 1,000 square feet to about 500 square feet.  And the month was spent prepping for our physical inventory that takes place on February 2nd (arguably the most important event of the year).

I had some help moving off-site but a large portion was by myself.  You start to get the feeling that while you can ask for help, people don't really want to help anymore.  To be fair, several of them do, but you stop wanting them to do so because they've done enough already.  Does that make sense?  I am ever appreciative to the associates and managers that stepped up to the plate because they willingly took on as much as I was willing to give up.  It's not that I was going for martyrdom, because I wasn't, but I'm that classic case of "No, I'll do it myself," and then I know it's done the right way.

That mentality didn't stretch into every aspect of work, for the most part I turned to everyone else in regards to preparing for inventory and just said "You need to do this please."  I never thought taking this role as General Manager would be as challenging as it has been, but you live and learn and I've definitely learned.  For better or worse.  The song I'm using this month (below) inspired the blog because it sums up January for me.  And while this experience was a whole lot of "new" for me, there were familiar threads in the story I'd already been living.

I'm used to the solo dance, in work or life, and when you keep having to do the dance by yourself, all it does is build a little more character.

When it comes to love, I found myself coming to rely on Derek for so much more than just companionship.  He took care of me when I was sick and provided a listening ear when I just needed to vent.  I had a lot of tears this month, mostly in the few private moments I was able to sequester myself into, but they still happened.  Every now and then you just need a good cry.  To let it out... to keep something in... to pull up your big-girl panties and get on with it.

You know what I mean.  If you don't, get bent.

Other than that, life has been moving on.  The weather was pretty decent throughout the month and that always leaves me with a bit of a grin.  I'm looking forward to it getting even warmer, a trip to Arizona (and maybe Texas) in the next couple months, and of course the summer of 2015 that will be here before we know it.  This year just feels different.  Does anyone else feel that or does the cheese stand alone?  I'm keeping my options open for anything that will come my way and I'll try to be a little more proactive on sharing it when it does, but you know how these things go.  Life gets in the way and then you're dead.

So what else happened in January?  I read Amy Poehler's book "Yes Please" and loved it, then I started working on my second book yet again.  Learned how to play Grand Theft Auto V and am having a blast, deciding videogames are a great way to get your mind off something for long periods of time, and I got my first-ever (needle) shot in the ass.  Realized I actually do like tea, perfected my chess game, and in the end remembered that all storms come to an end and if you can find 'em, you're lucky to have someone to weather them with.  I know I did.

Goodbye, January.  You've always been my least favorite.

Toodles gang (c:

a new resolution part iv

As 2014 drew to a close, I couldn't help but look back on it with a little bit of wonder.  The year before admittedly had not be the best ever.  Conversely, the one before that had been.  I've written about this little "yang-yang" things before.  So it was with a little trepidation I greeted 2014 and moved forward, knowing there were potentially big changes coming, a few littles ones to spice the pot, and of course two massive changes I could not have anticipated when the clock the struck midnight.

When I write a resolution, I'm doing something very particular.  I'm assembling a structure... almost like a building.  Let's say it's a skyscraper!  If you know me at all, you know I'm a fan of explosions (read my book) and the destruction of things like that in general.  So if my resolutions are skyscrapers, then my aim is to knock them right the fuck down.  I do it as a way of challenging myself; as if to say "Hey, I dare you to do this!"

Add to that and make it a triple-dog-dare and obviously I won't be backing down.

One year ago today I wrote about the true meaning of resolutions, or at least what I felt they should be.  A really good New Year's resolution should never be about making yourself more attractive or fit, it should instead be about your inward examination.  What it is about you or your life that you are unhappy with, what you can do to change it, and what the end result would be by changing it.  I feel that if you can pick one or two things a years you want to work on, you're well on the way to true happiness.

In 2013's July Update (which you can read here) I wrote about my trip to Austin, TX to visit my big brother.  That trip was a moment of change for two reasons.  First reason?  It was the last time I cut my hair off!  I felt you needed to know that.

::tosses nearly shoulder length hair::

The second reason of course was deciding I would move away from Wisconsin within the next two years.  Before I turned 30, actually.  It was easy to say something like that when I was 27... at 28 it got a little scarier because it was a little bit closer.  But for whatever reason at 29, and though my throat gets tight to think about it, I'm just ready.  So what is my official 2015 resolution?

In 2015 I will move away from Wisconsin.

It's heartbreaking and terrifying and exhilarating and tremendous in every meaning of the word, but there it is.  There ya have it.  And I didn't say Austin (though that remains my goal) because I'm open to anywhere I suppose.  I'm open to the possibilities of going to a place I've never been and doing things I've never done.  I'm open and and willing to explore and experience and hopefully finally stop feeling like I am missing out on the world.

That's what my inward examination has shown me.  Habitually I feel like everything is happening to everyone around me, always has, and I'm just standing by watching.  2012 showed me I know how to take the reins and do things on my own.  2013 proved I can rise above some truly devastating things and shoulder onward with a steady determination.  As for 2014?

2014 was a year that showed me how good things happen if you are a good person with a good heart.  When the year kicked off, I had no idea it would end with three months of three consecutive huge things: @klreynol moving away in October, becoming the General Manager of Pottery Barn in lieu of my boss having her baby in November, and falling head-over-heels in love with Derek in December.  And what of my resolution for 2014 of getting published?  Well I certainly did publish my book (read about that here or here) in August and that was the goal I set for myself.  It was everything I thought it would be, and now it's done and out there and I can move on to the sequels without any qualms or worries that I won't be able to do it.  If anything I feel more determined now than ever before.

I'm really excited to move forward with 2015 and discover what it will bring for me.  I think I will look at this year as one of discovery in general.  New places, faces and things.  New hopes, new dreams, new surroundings.  Did you know I had more than 5,900 blog views in 2014 alone?  That's nearly as many views as I had in the two and a half years preceding, and what does that say about me?  It says this self-proclaimed (technically no longer self-proclaimed) author has something going for him.  Maybe it's small apples right now, but those seeds have a way of growing.

I'm ready to grow and I'm pretty sure all of you are ready to grow with me.  My friends, my family, my loved ones... the old ones, the new ones, my boyfriend, my exes, all of you... let's do this together like we have since I started.  I'm so happy to include you all in my life and I'm so excited to have you all with me as I continue.  Here's to a good year (c:

I'll leave you with a video as I usually do.  This is the first time I'm posting a video in a blog that I have posted once before, but re-reading the 2013 July Update had me watching and it just hit me.  All of it.  Who's going to miss me when I'm gone?

Ciao for now (c;

the december update: second edition

I'm always a little bit surprised with how quickly the end of the month approaches.  This year in particular it felt like December started and began in the same breath of air, but I suppose if you're too busy to watch the days go by then you miss most of them altogether.  Kinda sad/not sad in the same instant.  December is and always has been my favorite month of the year for reasons both obvious and invisible.  And while it tidies up so many of the loose ends from throughout the year, it also creates a few news ones that will stretch into the following.  It's difficult not to make this update a "year in review" rather than just a month, but I'll do my darndest.

Getting loves from the babes.

The month started off in a ball of stress wrapped in a button down shirt with a Pottery Barn nametag on it reading "Sean."  I try not to talk much about my job, good or bad, because I don't ever want to paint myself into a corner I can't tapdance with a backflip out of.  I think it goes without saying that any person who is the General Manager (re: Store Manager) of a retail establishment during the holiday season is going to be stressed out.  And while nothing happened that would cause said stress to be unbearable for me, I tend to over-think things and events and stress myself out over them like there's no tomorrow.

As I started writing this I realized I really have not taken many pictures of myself this month... not that that's a bad thing, I just haven't.  Really, this year in general has been a pretty picture-less one.  I blame my hair.  I ALMOST cut it all off a few weeks ago but several concerned parties stopped me from doing so and I'm glad they did.  As of tomorrow, I will have gone a full calendar year without cutting my hair off!  Technically it was a year in July but I said "calendar," if you'll notice, so there.

Pay attention.

I never got tired of my tree this year.

Above, you see how my initial attempt at decorating my first Christmas tree while living on my own was less than inspired.  It was all of the old stuff I had, filled with the old memories of a failed relationship and visual cues as to what life had been like the last time I'd seen 'em.  Plus they were cheap-o Hobby Lobby glass ornaments and weren't cutting it anymore.  So I started over.

Burlap is such a huge "thing" right now that it just made sense to use a garland and buy a big swath of it in red to wrap around the base for a skirt.  I focused mainly on silver orbs and the fogged glass ones (I love how they light up when they catch the light), and made the tree topper myself.  Lots of folding and cutting on that one and I would be lying if I said I nailed it on the first try.

Didn't!

The tree ended up looking a little more inspired than the previous incarnation and I was happy for that.  I bought all of this stuff to make my own ornaments (burlap squares, fancy paper, etc.) but I ended up not having the ambition to do it and will save them until next year.  I started getting sick shortly after putting the tree up and that sickness stayed with me for the entirety of the month.  It was a little more complex than just a cold or the flu, but in the end I am OK and have been treated for what ailed me.  You're stuck with me for now, I'm not dying.

 The painting I will never paint again (after making 9 of them)

The OTHER reason I didn't want to make the ornaments is because I kept having to paint canvas projects for people.  Which don't get me wrong, I needed the money it brought in and I had a decent time doing it, but then EVERYBODY wanted the one you see above.  So after those final two were made, I decided that "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" will never be back.  Ever.

It's fairly simple for me to do these and it really doesn't take much time, so if any of you reading are in need of some hand-drawn art (doesn't even need to be Christmas related), I have no problem making some chalk designs (though it's not chalk) for you to enjoy in your home.  For a relatively cheap amount.  Lemme know!

What a sight! 

One of the major highlights this month came when I got a text from my mom telling me she was at the Appleton Public Library and my book was sitting on the shelf.  I immediately got choked up and felt my eyes watering.

I don't know if you're aware of this but I published my first book in August.  If you don't know this, you should just go away now.

Like... now.  Go.  Close the browser or turn off your phone or drop your tablet.  Unless this is your first blog of mine... in which case welcome!  Bienvenido!

I'm not very good at marketing myself and I know that.  When I ask for people to share a link or maybe one of my Facebook pages, I feel guilty and weird and I don't know why that is other than the fact that I hate being pushy.  So finding out that somehow, someway, my book made it into the library?  It's an incredible feeling.  It's an emotional feeling.  And it certainly gives me hope that "The Onyxus Chronicles: Episode I" was not dead-in-the-water a month after it was released.  If you are feeling generous or know someone that likes to be a promoter, let me know.  I'm always looking for a leg up!

I want to go down to the library sometime though and see if it's there.  Ask if it's being checked out.  Maybe cry if it's not, but if it is, shamelessly announce who I am and wait for the applause to start.

A guy can dream.

After all that was said and done, the weeks went by and then we hit Christmas.  I had my guy and my parents over for brunch in the morning, trying my hand at a Blueberry French Toast bake and homemade blueberry syrup, plus these little breakfast casserole things that had hashbrowns, eggs, cheese and bacon in them.  It was pretty fantastic.  The green concoctions are Grinch Coolers (delicious Mimosa-esque drinks that I'll for sure make again) though the festive red cherries dropped to the bottom of the glasses and ruined the look.  Damnit.

#nailedit

After brunch we went as a group to see "Exodus: Gods and Kings" which was kind of a snooze but a pretty decent movie overall.  Parted ways for a bit, I made an AMAZING Shepherd's Pie, and then I scooted on out to the Manor to finish the day out with my family.  We had a great dinner and opened gifts, laughing and hee-hawing our way through the evening with some good conversation at the tail end, and then I was off to go home.

I opened at work the next day, my 29th birthday, but the antibiotics I was on had me feeling like absolute and utter shit.  Nauseated, dizzy, and like I had been hit by a truck.  So I went home after a couple hours and slept for several more then contemplated cancelling my birthday dinner but ended up not.  My birthday was the day they discovered what was going on with me health-wise so I finally got the correct antibiotics and was able to start the healing process.

We had a quiet dinner (not too quiet with my nieces and nephew (though my nephew was very quiet)) at Pullman's with my family and a few friends.  Nothing huge or la-de-da, but quaint and meaningful.  It was my first time not having @klreynol around for my birthday in a long time and something I kept thinking about through the evening.  I was still happy to have the people with me that could make it, don't get me wrong.

After dinner we went over to @markstyleme's house for cocktails though I was still feeling pretty icky and kept it to soda and juice for the most part.  Turning 29 just wasn't a big deal for me, not like 30 is going to be or 26 was.  It's just a filler birthday.  I keep thinking about where I might be for my 30th but that's something for another blog (a new resolution part iv) at another time (tomorrow).  I also keep thinking about how little interaction I have had through Facebook this month and how quiet my status updates have been.  Not many pictures, not many witty remarks, just a lot of silence.

A couple bests and my guy.

I suppose the biggest reason I've been so silent is because I've been spending time with Derek, the handsome gent you see on the right.  And there is still no nickname for him to use in these blogs and I'm fine with that.  When it comes to me meeting new people as prospective "partners" if you will, I'm picky.  Picky to a fault.  The biggest thing I look at after a month has gone by is "am I still falling or have I fallen and already picked myself back up?"  And of course that refers to falling in love.  After a month, if you're not there, you're not gonna be there.  That's of course my own opinion but who is to say it's any less valid than someone else's?

But with Derek I was still falling after two weeks.  Still falling after three weeks... and then just a few days after four weeks, I couldn't hold it in anymore and had to blurt it out.  The words I hadn't said in almost four years and the words I hadn't truly meant in almost five.

"I love you."

And he said he loved me back.  And everything I've had waiting in the air around me for so many years, everything I've doubted and been hoping would come back in full force some day, finally did.  And I teared up because that's what I do, and maybe he teared up a little too, but there it was.  The hopeless romantic who mostly believed love would never find him again, finally did.  And we're encroaching six weeks now and I am happy to report I'm still falling.

Whether it's his green eyes I've only ever imagined for a character in my book, his smile that makes me blush and grin in return, or just the simple way he gives me a hug and then takes my hand and gives it a little wiggle as if to say "hello, I'm here with you," it's enough.  It's more than enough, and I am over the moon while under the sun and all the freezing wind and bitter air of Northeast Wisconsin couldn't stop my heart from beating any warmer.

2014 has ended on the highest note I could have predicted.

So what else happened in December?  Had my first case of dehydration ever, saw the doctor more times in two weeks than I have in the last 6 years combined, and successfully watched all of Phase 1 of the Marvel movies with Derek (he'd never seen ANY).  Learned how to manage my stress a little better, stopped backing down from certain confrontations, and somehow managed not to write a single damn thing for my second book.  I avoided not one or two but THREE potential oven fires, saw "Into the Woods" and hated it, and finally (most importantly?) I fell in love with someone who completely and whole-heartedly has earned it.  Things are looking up (c:

See you in the New Year!