silent appreciation

Tonight is a tricky subject, and thus, a tricky blog.  I think I can only accomplish the task of not being found out by my secret admirer, er... guy I am secretly admiring, by relaying my story with some clever rhetoric and fancy footwork.  By footwork I obviously mean a certain level of genius with my words.  Regardless, I may put on a grand show of throwing my thoughts and feelings out for the world to see, but there are certain things that stay close to my heart.  Some of you may know this, some of you may have assumed this... and I am very aware that we are often defined by what we do as actions speak louder than words.  Maybe someday I'll get the nerve to turn these words into action for that one person.

That one person.

Ever have that?  Ever set your eyes upon that guy... that one guy that kind of made time slow down but caused your heart to double the pace?  You weren't sure if it was his looks alone or something more profound, you just knew it was "there."  You couldn't quite set your finger on it.  Over time you found that this person really was someone different from the rest, a cut above if you will.  You started to wonder why you two weren't together, why you never were, and also why you never seemed to be the one that was lucky enough to catch one like him.  If not him.

I had that... have that, whatever.  Have that.  It isn't very fun, but only because I've started seeing it at a losing battle.  And while I know that love should not be viewed as a battle and that it should be a joyous thing, I have to disagree because I was in love once.  I think it's safe to say that everyone and their mother knows about that and how it ended, but I'll just say one thing in regards to it; there are casualties when it comes to love.  People get hurt very badly, and I did as well.  I didn't die as I thought I would, obviously, but for a while it felt like I was dying.  Then I started coming out of it, and started realizing that that "one person," ever elusive to my wants, was still around.

Here's a little about that one person, though (hopefully) nothing so specific as for him to realize "holy shit, Parker wrote a blog about me."  We've know each other for a long time.  Not a lifetime, but more than a couple years.  Always been cordial, but in the last few years grew just a small amount closer.  Nothing HUGE, but certainly more than something small.  We would see each other out and about randomly, though usually with someone in tow that stopped us from talking too in depth.  To me it always felt like a casual flirtation that never bordered on anything that would break the rules but was always juuuust enough to get me thinking.  Wondering, actually, as to what it would be like to be his.  I think the goal of admiring someone from afar is to be claimed by them, right?  Not in a weird or gross possessive way, but to know you are theirs (and they are yours) and you have attained your mission.

My feelings, however unfounded (and they were most often unfounded,) seemed to gestate and grow stronger despite how futile they were.  Then, suddenly... I was single; it was actually okay to feel that way (eventually when I started feeling again.)  I suppose we as people keep things on the back burner to sit and simmer throughout life, never knowing when the right time is to set them to cool or to turn up the heat.  I think someday I will make my move, and turn up the heat, but that does seem slightly unlikely.  I tend to discount my self-worth quite often and I'm not sure why that is, though I assume it has to do with being cheated on more than once.  I do think, however, that anytime you are interested in someone who you are mostly certain does not share the same enthusiasm toward you, you put yourself down in a sense.

I tend to find that through inaction I succeed in my endeavors.  Not usually in the way I wanted, but in a way that satisfies me.  Because I am a firm believer in good things coming to those who wait, I see no point in not being patient.  Either he will realize something about me that he was missing, or maybe I will move on and he will always be that "one person" who I just couldn't reach.  Either way, I wanted to end this with one of my very favorite quotes.  It came from (sigh) Smallville... and a girl said it... but I felt with a little editing it rang true to my circumstances:

"I want to let you in on a secret; I'm not who you think I am.  In fact, my disguise is so thin I'm surprised you haven't seen right through me.  I'm the man of your dreams, masquerading as your friend.  Sometimes I want to rip off this facade, but I know that I can't because there is the chance you will run away.  So I've decided it's better to live with a lie than expose my true feelings.  I've been told that there are two types of people; the ones you grow out of and the ones you grow into.  I really hope I'm the latter.  I may not be the man you love today, so I'll let you go for now, hoping that one day you'll fly back to me.  Because I think you're worth the wait."

Am I in love?  No, of course not.  There are details about this guy that I don't know, and I am sure there are details I wouldn't be thrilled with.  But the things that I am already thrilled with are the things that I know about... that I have seen.  And they are worth a lot more than throwing caution to the wind and keeping it all, or at least this much, bottled inside.  Hope you're all having a good night; I'll try posting something absolutely HIGH-larious next time.  Toodles gang (c: