What is it about this time of night that seems to get to people? Just from a quick glance around my Facebook wall I count a grand total of five (yes, 5, for those who prefer actual numbers instead of words,) people who can't sleep. Why? What is it that's got your noodle in a state of flux so as to prevent you from closing your eyes and drifting away to a land of... things. I'd fill this seemingly empty space with one of my random-ass dreams but that wouldn't be doing ME any favors and it would certainly only assist in putting you, my reader, to sleep. You'd be lucky if you were one of the five (re: 5.)
Quick side-note: anyone else grossed out by the crazy veins in Demi Moore's throat? Just noticed. Sorry.
I wanted to write about something in particular right now but I have to wait a few weeks for the object to arrive so as to a) not jump the gun and b) have something substantial to talk about later. It'll be on my list of Golden Things, rest assured. What I CAN say is that I took steps today to ensure the probability of me leaving the state for undetermined amounts of time this year and throughout the future. Maybe that is what is keeping me up and making my mind run at speeds in excess of plaid. Yep, that was a Spaceballs reference... and I dearly hope someone is laughing about it. At the very least, a chuckle.
Days like these, or nights, rather, get me to thinking about the future. Not just in a "some day I'll write my own schedule!" way but more-so in a "I'm drawing up my plans for a happy future that could someday result in me writing my own schedule!" I use that term of "writing my own schedule" loosely, as clearly it would mean to just work for myself and not a corporation. Unless it was as the lead writer of a smash sitcom on NBC, in which case Lorne Michaels I await your call.
I don't know... maybe I'm just waiting for the big change to fall into my lap. Over the last couple of months I've been carefully drawing up my own agenda, arranging the pieces on the chess board. I kind of suck at chess, you can ask anyone, but I think this time the odds are a bit more in my favor. The hard part is when decision time comes. Do I slide my bishop across the board and mark the King in a check-mate, or do I merely tackle that bitch Queen to the ground and lolly-gag a little while longer? The point of the matter is that time continues to flow, the world continues to change, and yet I remina the same. Therein lies the irony that eventually consumes us.
But as I said earlier... I have a few weeks to wait before one of my stronger pieces falls into my hands. I choose to look at it as a key and the world around me is a door begging to be opened, but really, I could leave anytime I wanted. Just not the country.
And wouldn't you all just SHIT if I posted on New Year's Eve and said I was moving to Tuscany?
I know I would... and then I'd leave (c:
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
letting it die
They always said that there would come a day. It would be a day unlike any other, and I would just "know." I was going to wake up, I was going to look around, and I was going to realize that sometime during my sleep I had finally done it. I had achieved the thing that seemed to take so long... the thing that was all consuming and at so many times grew so ugly. But it came, the first of 26 Golden Things.
#1 - Letting it die: the realization you are finally over your ex.
I've referred to him as the dreaded ex in all of these blog posts, but to do that seems silly now. Even if he read these, which I'm sure he doesn't, I could really give a flying fuck if he was upset I used his name or not. After all, it was Albus Dumbledore who once so infamously said "Call him Voldemort, Harry. Always use the proper name for things. Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself." That being said, his name is Ken.
I don't really know what changed between yesterday and today, if anything really at all. I went through the motions of what I needed to, I grieved for a long time and I reminisced for a long time as well. For a good chunk of that time, my closest friends marveled at how quickly I had gotten over what happened between Ken and I but the reality of it all was that I hadn't. Maybe part of me didn't want to? In life these things don't (hopefully) happen that often, so is it really so wrong to try holding on to it when it does? Well... yes, lol, it is wrong, but I said it so I won't retract it. I look at it in the way that you only fall once for the first "big" love in your life. When it ends, you can grieve as much as you want, because they will always hold that title. They will always be the first person you really loved.
Today I was off of work and didn't really have anything to do but to write my thank you cards from the holidays, clean up some loose ends I had lying around, and sit on the computer. Idle hands being the devil's playground, I started looking at the very hidden files of pictures of Ken and I. Bit of a stroll down memory lane. I had been seeing him on a couple dating websites as of late, though upon confrontation he said he was just looking for friends on them. Whatever; I told him he didn't have to justify himself to me. The reality of that little scenario is that I could give two shits what he and that dumb bitch he's dating do to stay entertained. And no, I am not bitter; I am actually laughing as I refer to that idiot stick figure with no soul (little SATC reference) as a dumb bitch. Honestly, laughing (c:
But I digress.
I was looking at pictures, from the very beginning to the very end, and realizing that I wasn't feeling that usual tug at the back of my throat. That simple little pain in my chest. The things that I was feeling were merely a fondness for the past, a smile that I had been so happy at certain points, and then a slight frown for knowing what was hiding behind my smile in so many of the pictures. So I started deleting them. One, by one, by one, by one, until there weren't any left. And then I went to the e-mails I had saved on my computer, and I started deleting them too. And then I blocked him. And then I blocked him on Facebook. And then I blocked his phone number.
At first I was thinking... is this really necessary? Can't a grown up just decide to stop talking to someone and let it be at that? Then that small voice in my head grew infinitely louder. Yes, it is necessary. Because Ken does not matter anymore, and to think he still matters is to still think the way I had been on March 5th. That maybe this could someday turn around and I was going to be the man he really wanted. The catch now is that he isn't the guy I want... not anymore. Not by a long shot.
It feels like it took an eternity to get here... a lot of self hating and a lot of doubt as to what it is that makes me a man, what the qualities of a man really are, and how you use them to better yourself. I have to remind myself to sit back and take a deep breath, and know that the next breath will come as easily as it was to push the delete button so many times. I'm reminded of a quote from the series finale of Six Feet Under: "You can't take a picture if it's already gone."
It's gone. It was gone. It had been gone for a long time before I even realized it. I used to think he was my soulmate but the funny thing about soulmates as that if they are real, you never give up on them. You keep fighting for them until the day you die, because they complete you and they make you whole. In the end, this year was supposed to be filled with 26 things I had never done before. And if I had done them before... the new version needed to eclipse the old.
So we come to it; the first new thing I have done in my life this year is I let go of the past, deleting but not forgetting, and I have taken a fresh step toward that ever elusive thought. Divine happiness.
Goodnight babes.
#1 - Letting it die: the realization you are finally over your ex.
I've referred to him as the dreaded ex in all of these blog posts, but to do that seems silly now. Even if he read these, which I'm sure he doesn't, I could really give a flying fuck if he was upset I used his name or not. After all, it was Albus Dumbledore who once so infamously said "Call him Voldemort, Harry. Always use the proper name for things. Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself." That being said, his name is Ken.
I don't really know what changed between yesterday and today, if anything really at all. I went through the motions of what I needed to, I grieved for a long time and I reminisced for a long time as well. For a good chunk of that time, my closest friends marveled at how quickly I had gotten over what happened between Ken and I but the reality of it all was that I hadn't. Maybe part of me didn't want to? In life these things don't (hopefully) happen that often, so is it really so wrong to try holding on to it when it does? Well... yes, lol, it is wrong, but I said it so I won't retract it. I look at it in the way that you only fall once for the first "big" love in your life. When it ends, you can grieve as much as you want, because they will always hold that title. They will always be the first person you really loved.
Today I was off of work and didn't really have anything to do but to write my thank you cards from the holidays, clean up some loose ends I had lying around, and sit on the computer. Idle hands being the devil's playground, I started looking at the very hidden files of pictures of Ken and I. Bit of a stroll down memory lane. I had been seeing him on a couple dating websites as of late, though upon confrontation he said he was just looking for friends on them. Whatever; I told him he didn't have to justify himself to me. The reality of that little scenario is that I could give two shits what he and that dumb bitch he's dating do to stay entertained. And no, I am not bitter; I am actually laughing as I refer to that idiot stick figure with no soul (little SATC reference) as a dumb bitch. Honestly, laughing (c:
But I digress.
I was looking at pictures, from the very beginning to the very end, and realizing that I wasn't feeling that usual tug at the back of my throat. That simple little pain in my chest. The things that I was feeling were merely a fondness for the past, a smile that I had been so happy at certain points, and then a slight frown for knowing what was hiding behind my smile in so many of the pictures. So I started deleting them. One, by one, by one, by one, until there weren't any left. And then I went to the e-mails I had saved on my computer, and I started deleting them too. And then I blocked him. And then I blocked him on Facebook. And then I blocked his phone number.
At first I was thinking... is this really necessary? Can't a grown up just decide to stop talking to someone and let it be at that? Then that small voice in my head grew infinitely louder. Yes, it is necessary. Because Ken does not matter anymore, and to think he still matters is to still think the way I had been on March 5th. That maybe this could someday turn around and I was going to be the man he really wanted. The catch now is that he isn't the guy I want... not anymore. Not by a long shot.
It feels like it took an eternity to get here... a lot of self hating and a lot of doubt as to what it is that makes me a man, what the qualities of a man really are, and how you use them to better yourself. I have to remind myself to sit back and take a deep breath, and know that the next breath will come as easily as it was to push the delete button so many times. I'm reminded of a quote from the series finale of Six Feet Under: "You can't take a picture if it's already gone."
It's gone. It was gone. It had been gone for a long time before I even realized it. I used to think he was my soulmate but the funny thing about soulmates as that if they are real, you never give up on them. You keep fighting for them until the day you die, because they complete you and they make you whole. In the end, this year was supposed to be filled with 26 things I had never done before. And if I had done them before... the new version needed to eclipse the old.
So we come to it; the first new thing I have done in my life this year is I let go of the past, deleting but not forgetting, and I have taken a fresh step toward that ever elusive thought. Divine happiness.
Goodnight babes.
Friday, January 13, 2012
anniversaries
I would just like to start this by saying that my cats are fighting on the bed behind me, and Sophia just went fucking NUTS on Paolo, hissing and screaming and attacking him with her mouth and teeth. Not one to back down, Paolo just popped her right in the mouth and now I can't stop laughing at the way she is growling. What a dick (Sophia, that is.)
Anyway.
I have this wonderful program that I signed up for at Timehop.com; it sends you an e-mail every day (or almost every day, depending on you) of what you posted as your Facebook status one year earlier. Granted, if you don't post much it isn't a good program to sign up for. But if you are like me and like to reminisce/post all the time, then you should sign up. Sometimes the posts aren't as wonderful as the program is. For example, this was my message today, sent by me one year ago:
" Sean Parker thinks his deodorant gives him chemical burn. Oh, ps, he's also engaged to dreaded-ex's name (c: "
Yep... wonderful.
So it was a year ago today that I popped the question. I knew this date was coming up but I actually couldn't really remember when it was. I thought it had been January 11th (boy, I was WAY off!) but when I didn't get a little e-mail, I figured I was wrong and/or maybe some divine force decided I didn't need a reminder. Then it came. Whoopsie. I couldn't help on my drive to work today and subsequent boring hours in the store but to think about this day last year, and that isn't really a bad thing. I mean sure, it kind of hurt to think about, but we learn from our mistakes and that was one of mine.
I had actually written him a letter the night before I did it. In the back of my mind, the holidays were over and we were starting to lose traction in our relationship. So in several ways it was really a break-up letter. It rehashed everything he had put me through over the last year, why I hated him for some of the things he and done, and how I didn't feel I would get over it. I think the letter ended up being like 11 pages long, because when I have something to say I SAY it until people start bleeding from their ears. Or eyes, as it were.
The next day (the 13th,) I went to work and messaged him to say we had to talk that night. He flipped out and I flipped out even though he didn't know what we were talking about, and I think I cried a good portion of the way to work. When I got to the store, my district manager was there so that sucked because my face was all puffy and I wasn't very friendly. I thought about it all that day, how it was going to go over. Did I really want to give it to him? Should I really give it to him? Things were going pretty great for the most part; the holidays had been amazing compared to the previous year, so why was I throwing a rock in the cogs? Then I got the bright idea to ask him to marry me.
I mean he wouldn't see it coming, that's for sure. He wouldn't see it coming by a long shot. Mostly that was because after I had proposed nearly a year earlier out of desperation in keeping our relationship alive, I said I would never do it again (because he had called the engagement off. It only lasted two days, big whoop.) Once I started thinking about proposing to him, I was giddy with excitement. Maybe the feelings I had were jumbled because we were going to be buying a house together and I felt like our relationship itself should take the next step as well. So I started plotting how I would do it and then quickly enough it was time to go home and set my plan into motion. I wasn't going to tell anyone I was doing it.
Probably because I knew how stupid it made me look.
And I didn't have a ring.
And I was somewhat doing it to be dramatic.
And I didn't have a ring.
And I was somewhat doing it to be dramatic.
So I got home that night around seven and said hello. We made small talk for a couple minutes and then I said I wanted to change clothes before starting "the talk." I went upstairs to my office and printed off the letter I had written the night before, and then I printed off a sheet with the words "Will you marry me?" at the dead center. I folded the letter and the question the same way and taped them shut, changed my clothes and went back downstairs.
At this point I was incredibly nervous but I could see that he was too. So I start talking. He has two choices, the first one being the 11 page letter. It goes over what the year was like, what I think, and all that jazz. The other choice is a single question. If he chooses the question, he has to answer it honestly and that I'll know if he is lying. So he weighed his options for a moment and then pointed at the paper with the question. Butterflies are flying! I handed him the folded paper and watched him open it, and then he started crying. He looked at me and nodded.
"Yes?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, "I will marry you."
I can't say that I look back on that moment and frown, shaking my head at my stupidity. At that moment I was happy... that is something that will never change within me. When a breakup hits you, part of you only wants to remember the good but a larger part of you only tends to remember the bad. And that wasn't the bad. I was so in love with him and so genuinely ecstatic to finally feel like something good was happening. Something was going right.
We went outside to the gas powered grill and burned the letter, and I said I didn't have another copy of it (which was a fib; I keep a copy of every letter I write to people.) In reality he was holding our relationship in his hands that night. The letter would have ended it... the question would (supposedly) keep it going. THAT is a point that I look at in hindsight and realize I wasn't serious. If I was serious, the letter never would have made its way off the computer. I wouldn't have given him the option of letting our relationship die through my own sabotage.
In the end, I wanted to announce it on Facebook by being my usual somewhat-funny-in-a-weird-way self, and then following it with what had happened. Hence my deodorant giving me chemical burns (which it was, ps; my pits were all red and itchy!)
I'll wrap this up by saying that today is really the beginning of the end. Everything started happening pretty fast after January 13th, 2011, and before I knew it our relationship was over. Essentially, it is two months from today. I'm glad that I'm single right now because I wouldn't want to be feeling this way with someone expecting my positive emotions to be on their side. It wouldn't be fair to have this on my mind, knowing full well that I shouldn't. But being single? It's okay. Because it's still that lovely grieving process I seem to desire to go through. Am I alone in anticipating it or do any of you do the same?
Timehop is wonderful because it gives me the ammunition I need to fire the proverbial gun I tend to wield so accurately. It seems to grant me permission to remember something specific, deal with it the right way (hindsight being 20/20,) and then set it aside to die. And what was my New Year's resolution? Why, it was to let the past die! I guess I just have a couple months left to break off the shattered bits, read them a eulogy of sorts, and then send them off on their way to become part of the growing lexicon that is Sean Parker.
This ends with the song I turned to when the shit hit the fan, and I feel it stands in quiet nicely for the way I feel today. That's all for now... some happiness is to come soon, I promise (c: Thanks for reading, my loves.
This ends with the song I turned to when the shit hit the fan, and I feel it stands in quiet nicely for the way I feel today. That's all for now... some happiness is to come soon, I promise (c: Thanks for reading, my loves.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
a new resolution
New Year's day. In my opinion, the one, singular day of the year where you are allowed to evaluate, change, and put in motion what you want to do. What you want to be. I had posted a music video at the beginning of December on my Facebook wall by the Hurts titled "All I Want for Christmas is New Year's Day." Now that the day is here... what do I want?
I ended the year mostly on a high note though with a bit of sadness attached to it. I alluded to something in the previous blogs, and that thing being that I ended my relationship with J. Throughout December I realized that for all I had gone through with the dreaded ex, I still wasn't finished. I am over him, for sure; someone once marveled at how quickly I "got over it." But have I moved on? No. I think part of me still feels wronged, like something was stolen from me that I had no choice in. And until I have moved on, I cannot be in a relationship. I felt horrible ending things with J... I still feel horrible. Our conversation on the matter was very good, as neither of us yelled and neither of us cried. It wasn't like that at all. He was very understanding of the situation, and I tried to be very clear as to why it was happening.
It isn't fair to keep a person at your side when you don't have very much to give them in return. It isn't right to hold on to them, knowing that a large part of you is still dead and doesn't look to be waking up anytime soon. When we first started talking, he asked me if I was ready to be in a relationship. At the time, I thought I was. I think it took actually being in one for me to realize that I'm not in a position yet to open up to someone new. Every sweet thing J did for me had a huge impact, and it showed me what someone can bring to a relationship, as no other had done so before him. For that I am eternally grateful, if not somewhat heartbroken. I wish I had tested the waters with someone else... I wish I had known before hand what J would be like. Having to let go is all the more difficult because it is letting go of the qualities I have always wanted in a partner... but as I said before, it would be selfish to hold on to it without giving in return.
There is a quote by Gilda Radner that I love. "I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, or end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's to happen next." It's a wonderful quote to live by, and you all know how I adore my quotes. I wanted a perfect ending too, with the dreaded ex and a thousand other things, but life isn't like that. It doesn't work that way, and if there is anything 2011 taught me, it is that endings can be messy. They can be painful.
If you asked me a year ago today what I would be doing right now, the answer would have been very different from the reality I now inhabit. I would be about seven months from my wedding day. I'd be living in my house on Maple in Green Bay, hopefully more than halfway through the renovations though that isn't certain. Happy. Am I happy right now? Yes. Did something go awry this year to throw me off track? Yes to that as well. The shit hit the fan in March and everything was destroyed. Everything I'd built, everything I'd repaired... gone. I don't think the full realization of the implications of that really hit until April, when I really hit my rock bottom. However, like that Wynonna Judd song said, "rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around."
I made a resolution this year that was unlike any I had made before. Usually my resolutions are something foolish like "I want to lose 20 pounds by working out," or "I want to be this happy all year long."
This year? "Let the past die." Part of the reason I have this particular resolution is because of the amount of time I spent working on my gifts for the bests this year, and the other part is because I found two quotes that I am applying directly to my life. Directly to my situation. Both are anonymous, and the first I will list is this:
"In order to move forward in life, one must forget the past. Stop living off the memories, because memories will never come back."
Is it harsh? Sure. Is it true? Absolutely. I spent the majority of the year dwelling on the way things were, ignoring what they had become. I think we fall in love with the memories we have of people, and we choose to hold those memories in front of who they have become. None of this is to say that I am going to start chopping people out of my life because they have turned into real assholes (truth be told,) but it is to say that I want and I need to start looking at things for what they are. At people for who they are. The other quote ties into that:
"Sometimes there are things in our life that aren't meant to stay. Sometimes change may not be what we want; sometimes change is what we really need. And sometimes, saying goodbye is the hardest thing you think you'll ever have to do. Sometimes it's saying 'hello again' that breaks you down and makes you the most vulnerable person you'll ever know. Sometimes change is too much to bear, but most of the time change is the only thing saving your life."
Now, 2012 is a special year because I have deemed it my "Golden Year." Taking a cue from @caitcd, I am going to do 26 new things this year. Originally I was going to write them all down and then blog about each, but I think instead I will let them happen as they do. I might have some ideas, and I might want your ideas. I'm open to it! The point is that I want to do 26 things that move me beyond myself at this moment in time. 26 things that might change me, that might shape me, and that will help me with my resolution. I also chose a theme song for the year which should please the hipster crowd but is more for me than you. The video is below, as are the lyrics that sold me on it.
That being said, Happy New Year to all of you, thank you for the things you have said and done, and look forward to many great things in the coming 365 days. Glad you're with me on it (c:
I ended the year mostly on a high note though with a bit of sadness attached to it. I alluded to something in the previous blogs, and that thing being that I ended my relationship with J. Throughout December I realized that for all I had gone through with the dreaded ex, I still wasn't finished. I am over him, for sure; someone once marveled at how quickly I "got over it." But have I moved on? No. I think part of me still feels wronged, like something was stolen from me that I had no choice in. And until I have moved on, I cannot be in a relationship. I felt horrible ending things with J... I still feel horrible. Our conversation on the matter was very good, as neither of us yelled and neither of us cried. It wasn't like that at all. He was very understanding of the situation, and I tried to be very clear as to why it was happening.
It isn't fair to keep a person at your side when you don't have very much to give them in return. It isn't right to hold on to them, knowing that a large part of you is still dead and doesn't look to be waking up anytime soon. When we first started talking, he asked me if I was ready to be in a relationship. At the time, I thought I was. I think it took actually being in one for me to realize that I'm not in a position yet to open up to someone new. Every sweet thing J did for me had a huge impact, and it showed me what someone can bring to a relationship, as no other had done so before him. For that I am eternally grateful, if not somewhat heartbroken. I wish I had tested the waters with someone else... I wish I had known before hand what J would be like. Having to let go is all the more difficult because it is letting go of the qualities I have always wanted in a partner... but as I said before, it would be selfish to hold on to it without giving in return.
There is a quote by Gilda Radner that I love. "I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, or end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's to happen next." It's a wonderful quote to live by, and you all know how I adore my quotes. I wanted a perfect ending too, with the dreaded ex and a thousand other things, but life isn't like that. It doesn't work that way, and if there is anything 2011 taught me, it is that endings can be messy. They can be painful.
If you asked me a year ago today what I would be doing right now, the answer would have been very different from the reality I now inhabit. I would be about seven months from my wedding day. I'd be living in my house on Maple in Green Bay, hopefully more than halfway through the renovations though that isn't certain. Happy. Am I happy right now? Yes. Did something go awry this year to throw me off track? Yes to that as well. The shit hit the fan in March and everything was destroyed. Everything I'd built, everything I'd repaired... gone. I don't think the full realization of the implications of that really hit until April, when I really hit my rock bottom. However, like that Wynonna Judd song said, "rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around."
I made a resolution this year that was unlike any I had made before. Usually my resolutions are something foolish like "I want to lose 20 pounds by working out," or "I want to be this happy all year long."
This year? "Let the past die." Part of the reason I have this particular resolution is because of the amount of time I spent working on my gifts for the bests this year, and the other part is because I found two quotes that I am applying directly to my life. Directly to my situation. Both are anonymous, and the first I will list is this:
"In order to move forward in life, one must forget the past. Stop living off the memories, because memories will never come back."
Is it harsh? Sure. Is it true? Absolutely. I spent the majority of the year dwelling on the way things were, ignoring what they had become. I think we fall in love with the memories we have of people, and we choose to hold those memories in front of who they have become. None of this is to say that I am going to start chopping people out of my life because they have turned into real assholes (truth be told,) but it is to say that I want and I need to start looking at things for what they are. At people for who they are. The other quote ties into that:
"Sometimes there are things in our life that aren't meant to stay. Sometimes change may not be what we want; sometimes change is what we really need. And sometimes, saying goodbye is the hardest thing you think you'll ever have to do. Sometimes it's saying 'hello again' that breaks you down and makes you the most vulnerable person you'll ever know. Sometimes change is too much to bear, but most of the time change is the only thing saving your life."
Now, 2012 is a special year because I have deemed it my "Golden Year." Taking a cue from @caitcd, I am going to do 26 new things this year. Originally I was going to write them all down and then blog about each, but I think instead I will let them happen as they do. I might have some ideas, and I might want your ideas. I'm open to it! The point is that I want to do 26 things that move me beyond myself at this moment in time. 26 things that might change me, that might shape me, and that will help me with my resolution. I also chose a theme song for the year which should please the hipster crowd but is more for me than you. The video is below, as are the lyrics that sold me on it.
That being said, Happy New Year to all of you, thank you for the things you have said and done, and look forward to many great things in the coming 365 days. Glad you're with me on it (c:
We're only young and naive still,
We require certain skill.
The mood it changes like the wind,
Hard to control when it begins.
The bittersweet between my teeth,
Trying to find the in-between.
Fall back in love eventually,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can't help myself but count the flaws,
Claw my way out through these walls.
One temporary escape,
Feel it start to permeate.
We lie beneath the stars at night,
Our hands gripping each other tight.
You keep my secrets, hope to die.
Promises, swear them to the sky.
The bittersweet between my teeth,
Trying to find the in-between.
Fall back in love eventually,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
As it withers,
Brittle it shakes.
Can you whisper,
As it crumbles and breaks?
As you shiver,
Count up all your mistakes.
Pair of forgivers,
Let go before it's too late.
Can you whisper?
Can you whisper?
Can you whisper?
Can you whisper?
The bittersweet between my teeth,
Trying to find the in-between.
Fall back in love eventually,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The bittersweet between my teeth,
Trying to find the in-between.
Fall back in love eventually,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
2011 holiday season, part III
#thingsineedformygoldenbirthday
That was the hashtag I started all the way back in October when I decided to make a big deal out of my 26th birthday. I mean, you only get ONE golden birthday (which apparently is only a big deal in the midwest and nowhere else on earth,) and so many people get suckered out of it by being born in the early half of the month. I felt that by hashtagging my ideas, both preposterous and attainable, something would click with the bests and they would band together (for the first time) and get it done.
I realized something was up pretty early in the month, which was great. I had been out at a bar and talked to my very very very dear friend Mo, asking if I needed to plan something for myself for my birthday. All she said was "It is taken care of," which was great because it didn't reveal anything but at the same time told me all I needed to know. I don't typically make a big deal out of my birthday because it is the day after Christmas and usually people have other things going on (or in my case, my friends are all working retail.) And that is fine, really, because I don't like being a boob and demanding a lot of attention. This year I felt was different, partly because 2011 was such a load of shit but also because if you don't demand attention very often, you might as well demand it for something like this.
I know there was some drama behind the scenes, as is always the case, but I really must say that I was overwhelmed with what they did and the emotional impact it had on me. I cry a lot, which you know, but I reallllly cried that day, hahaha. Here is how it went down.
I woke up to a gift from J, explaining my I am a sweet person and also telling me there would be many gifts throughout the day to commemorate it/me. I enjoyed a lunch with my family at Parker Manor at 11:30. My brother was in town from Texas, and he came down with his girlfriend, along with my sister and her husband, as well as my nephew and two nieces. My sister made this awesome cake that was made to look like 6 gold bars, though each was a different cake flavor with a different flavored frosting. We ate and talked and were merry, and then at 1:30 @klreynol showed up to collect me. She had a gift from J, this one for me being cuddly and another for adventurous. We left and drove into Appleton, where she took me for a manicure at Salon BenMarNico's.
Before heading inside she gave me another gift from J, this one for my creativity. We walked inside and down to the Spa of the Copperleaf Hotel, and I noticed Mo right away getting her nails done. I hugged her before realizing @caitcd was sitting next to her. Surprise #1. I got my nails did and then @klreynol took me to get some coffee, providing yet another gift from J for my spell casting (not in a witchy way, but more of me casting spells on people. You know it's true.) Coffee in hand, she drove me to her house so that I could change into a fancy outfit for a private dinner with J. Another present was waiting for me at her house, this one celebrating my style.
Changed my clothes, fixed my hair, and we were off to J's. I was dropped off at his door and went inside to find him and a final present waiting, this one for my passion. All of these gifts came with lovely letters he wrote with and ink and quill set, which I thought was amazing. It kind of hurt at the same time, but more on that later. They meant a great deal to me and have already made there way into my memory box. Soon we were off to dinner. I assumed @klreynol would be there, I'll be honest. I know her well enough to know when she is keeping something from me; that and I saw her outfit hanging in her bathroom when I changed. Natch.
We arrived at Carmella's, which is a fantastic restaurant on the north side of Appleton specializing in Italian cuisine. It is kind of pricey and, as I kept saying that night, the seats are uncomfortable, but the atmosphere is fantastic and the food is delicious. J says we have a reservation and the girl leads us around the bar area to this fabric partition blocking off another room that I didn't even know they had. I was expecting @klreynol.
I can't really describe the surge of emotion as I walked around the partition to take in the sight of my entire family and all of my closest friends, clapping and cheering. It was a brief moment in time that escaped me, left me spellbound and entirely at a loss for words. I can remembered looking at the ground and blushing, not knowing where to look or who to look at. The smiles, the bright eyes, the gold balloons attached to the chairs and the gold confetti and decorations spread down the long table. I accepted a few hugs, mumbled a few words, and then took my seat. The waitress came by quickly to pour champagne and then was gone, and it was silent. I realized I should probably say something but only with realization that I actually had nothing to say. Regardless, I am the "self-proclaimed author," so I stood up.
I don't command a lot of attention... I've never been one for speeches either. I find my strength lies in my written words and not those I speak, so to have to think of them on the spot and they profess them out loud was a very different experience, especially trying to make them meaningful. I think I got out "Thank you all for being here, it means so much. As you know this was a pretty rough year--" and then I broke down crying and they clapped politely and I sat my ass back down, saying thank you and all that. Don't worry, I wasn't done yet. That was merely the diversion so that I could think of the words I needed to say. We'll go with that...
We ordered our food, we ate, and we talked. And I reveled in all of it. The most important people in my life, save for Mrs. S who was out of state, all gathered for one specific person; me. It meant a lot then, it still gets me choked up now, and I think that is a wonderful thing. I ordered a white peach Bellini during the meal, my favorite drink from Carmella's, and then I cleared my throat a stood up. It was time for the real speech.
Now, I wasn't successful in getting through the second attempt without tears. I think I would of had my words not brought the people I was talking to to tears. I started by thanking them for being there. I acknowledged quickly that it was a shit year, more of a roller coaster than anything else. And then I announced that I would like to say something to each of them individually. I started with my father, who was sitting to the right. Then I moved on to my brother in law, and then my wonderful sister which is where I started to choke up. She had this sort of... enraptured look in her eyes and immediately I realized what each of these people truly meant to me. I made it through, jumped to my brother's girlfriend, and then to my brother.
He started crying like a pussy right away, and that got me to start crying, and then everyone started shouting at me to take a drink. Good idea, because it pulled me back in and made me focus my thoughts. I moved on to my amazing mom, lost my shit, and then moved on to Mo. Mo has been at all of my birthdays as of the last few years and has made each one of them very special for very different reasons, and I couldn't imagine what it would be like if she hadn't taken me to prom when she was a senior and I was a junior. Then I turned to @klreynol and started blubbering like a jackass. On to Cookie and I was able to make myself laugh, because he is unlike the others in that our relationship is built on laughter and happiness. You need to keep those people around.
I chugged some more Bellini and moved on to @markstyleme's wonderful boyfriend, then @markstyleme himself. So much of our relationship is conveyed through looks and winks that there was less to say with words and more to say through body language. He understood, as I meant for him to and am pleased to have achieved. I turned to @caitcd and realized I had finished my drink, so Mo quickly shoved her champagne to me and I gulped on that. I know I kept crying at this point, and it felt so good and wonderful to do so. I look at tears as a form of validation... they make something real; they make my emotions concrete. And I may joke about collecting tears from my closest friends (I love making them cry by being nice,) but it is never in a mean way. I say I collect them because it proves to me that I mean something. It proves to me that I can reach them in more ways than the surface allows. I thanked @caitcd for many things, in hindsight possibly for more than anyone else, and then I turned to J.
He did such a good job keeping the events of this day from me, even under direct pressure, and it paid off. It was fantastic and wonderful and a million other tiny things that I cannot even think to write down. I thanked him for all of it, turned to the table, and told them to stick with me because this next year is going to be one of the best ever. I received an ovation and sat down, relieved to have it out of the way and successfully at that. Then @caitcd put a jar down in front of me. It was filled with pieces of paper and gold confetti, each scrap holding a wish for me or a cherished memory, from each of the people at the table (and some not present.)
I didn't have to read it right then, but with everyone turning to talk to one another I just had to. And I cried through all of it, reading these thoughts and feelings and realizing that maybe I meant as much to them as they did to me. The amazing thing about it all was that with how bad the year had been and with how hard it was to get over what happened, the only thing that mattered was what was right in front of me. That bad things happen sometimes but if you can keep your chin up and turn to the people who complete your life, they will come through for you.
After dinner I was driven to city park, where the bests were waiting for me. Each gave a small speech to me about what I am to them and what they want for me in the future, and then we moved on to a martini bar to round out the night.
All in all it was a perfect day. It was the best birthday. Everything that came before it didn't really seem to matter anymore, and that was great. It meant that I hard truly finished this year with a bang, like I had always wanted, and by letting go of the reigns I was able to enjoy something I had no part in planning. I love my family and friends so much and I am so thankful to have such wonderful people in my life, and I couldn't imagine it any other way.
Here's to looking forward (c:
My dumb face when I walked around the partition at Carmella's, about to be shocked. Pictures courtesy of @caitcd
My first attempt at a speech.
The Bellini that gave me the strength for the second speech.
Here we go, you assholes. I'll start with a laugh and then I'll break down.
A captive audience; I believe I was addressing my sister at this point.
The opposite side of the table, going after either my brother or my mom.
The jar that I will keep for the rest of my life.
That was the hashtag I started all the way back in October when I decided to make a big deal out of my 26th birthday. I mean, you only get ONE golden birthday (which apparently is only a big deal in the midwest and nowhere else on earth,) and so many people get suckered out of it by being born in the early half of the month. I felt that by hashtagging my ideas, both preposterous and attainable, something would click with the bests and they would band together (for the first time) and get it done.
I realized something was up pretty early in the month, which was great. I had been out at a bar and talked to my very very very dear friend Mo, asking if I needed to plan something for myself for my birthday. All she said was "It is taken care of," which was great because it didn't reveal anything but at the same time told me all I needed to know. I don't typically make a big deal out of my birthday because it is the day after Christmas and usually people have other things going on (or in my case, my friends are all working retail.) And that is fine, really, because I don't like being a boob and demanding a lot of attention. This year I felt was different, partly because 2011 was such a load of shit but also because if you don't demand attention very often, you might as well demand it for something like this.
I know there was some drama behind the scenes, as is always the case, but I really must say that I was overwhelmed with what they did and the emotional impact it had on me. I cry a lot, which you know, but I reallllly cried that day, hahaha. Here is how it went down.
I woke up to a gift from J, explaining my I am a sweet person and also telling me there would be many gifts throughout the day to commemorate it/me. I enjoyed a lunch with my family at Parker Manor at 11:30. My brother was in town from Texas, and he came down with his girlfriend, along with my sister and her husband, as well as my nephew and two nieces. My sister made this awesome cake that was made to look like 6 gold bars, though each was a different cake flavor with a different flavored frosting. We ate and talked and were merry, and then at 1:30 @klreynol showed up to collect me. She had a gift from J, this one for me being cuddly and another for adventurous. We left and drove into Appleton, where she took me for a manicure at Salon BenMarNico's.
Before heading inside she gave me another gift from J, this one for my creativity. We walked inside and down to the Spa of the Copperleaf Hotel, and I noticed Mo right away getting her nails done. I hugged her before realizing @caitcd was sitting next to her. Surprise #1. I got my nails did and then @klreynol took me to get some coffee, providing yet another gift from J for my spell casting (not in a witchy way, but more of me casting spells on people. You know it's true.) Coffee in hand, she drove me to her house so that I could change into a fancy outfit for a private dinner with J. Another present was waiting for me at her house, this one celebrating my style.
Changed my clothes, fixed my hair, and we were off to J's. I was dropped off at his door and went inside to find him and a final present waiting, this one for my passion. All of these gifts came with lovely letters he wrote with and ink and quill set, which I thought was amazing. It kind of hurt at the same time, but more on that later. They meant a great deal to me and have already made there way into my memory box. Soon we were off to dinner. I assumed @klreynol would be there, I'll be honest. I know her well enough to know when she is keeping something from me; that and I saw her outfit hanging in her bathroom when I changed. Natch.
We arrived at Carmella's, which is a fantastic restaurant on the north side of Appleton specializing in Italian cuisine. It is kind of pricey and, as I kept saying that night, the seats are uncomfortable, but the atmosphere is fantastic and the food is delicious. J says we have a reservation and the girl leads us around the bar area to this fabric partition blocking off another room that I didn't even know they had. I was expecting @klreynol.
I can't really describe the surge of emotion as I walked around the partition to take in the sight of my entire family and all of my closest friends, clapping and cheering. It was a brief moment in time that escaped me, left me spellbound and entirely at a loss for words. I can remembered looking at the ground and blushing, not knowing where to look or who to look at. The smiles, the bright eyes, the gold balloons attached to the chairs and the gold confetti and decorations spread down the long table. I accepted a few hugs, mumbled a few words, and then took my seat. The waitress came by quickly to pour champagne and then was gone, and it was silent. I realized I should probably say something but only with realization that I actually had nothing to say. Regardless, I am the "self-proclaimed author," so I stood up.
I don't command a lot of attention... I've never been one for speeches either. I find my strength lies in my written words and not those I speak, so to have to think of them on the spot and they profess them out loud was a very different experience, especially trying to make them meaningful. I think I got out "Thank you all for being here, it means so much. As you know this was a pretty rough year--" and then I broke down crying and they clapped politely and I sat my ass back down, saying thank you and all that. Don't worry, I wasn't done yet. That was merely the diversion so that I could think of the words I needed to say. We'll go with that...
We ordered our food, we ate, and we talked. And I reveled in all of it. The most important people in my life, save for Mrs. S who was out of state, all gathered for one specific person; me. It meant a lot then, it still gets me choked up now, and I think that is a wonderful thing. I ordered a white peach Bellini during the meal, my favorite drink from Carmella's, and then I cleared my throat a stood up. It was time for the real speech.
Now, I wasn't successful in getting through the second attempt without tears. I think I would of had my words not brought the people I was talking to to tears. I started by thanking them for being there. I acknowledged quickly that it was a shit year, more of a roller coaster than anything else. And then I announced that I would like to say something to each of them individually. I started with my father, who was sitting to the right. Then I moved on to my brother in law, and then my wonderful sister which is where I started to choke up. She had this sort of... enraptured look in her eyes and immediately I realized what each of these people truly meant to me. I made it through, jumped to my brother's girlfriend, and then to my brother.
He started crying like a pussy right away, and that got me to start crying, and then everyone started shouting at me to take a drink. Good idea, because it pulled me back in and made me focus my thoughts. I moved on to my amazing mom, lost my shit, and then moved on to Mo. Mo has been at all of my birthdays as of the last few years and has made each one of them very special for very different reasons, and I couldn't imagine what it would be like if she hadn't taken me to prom when she was a senior and I was a junior. Then I turned to @klreynol and started blubbering like a jackass. On to Cookie and I was able to make myself laugh, because he is unlike the others in that our relationship is built on laughter and happiness. You need to keep those people around.
I chugged some more Bellini and moved on to @markstyleme's wonderful boyfriend, then @markstyleme himself. So much of our relationship is conveyed through looks and winks that there was less to say with words and more to say through body language. He understood, as I meant for him to and am pleased to have achieved. I turned to @caitcd and realized I had finished my drink, so Mo quickly shoved her champagne to me and I gulped on that. I know I kept crying at this point, and it felt so good and wonderful to do so. I look at tears as a form of validation... they make something real; they make my emotions concrete. And I may joke about collecting tears from my closest friends (I love making them cry by being nice,) but it is never in a mean way. I say I collect them because it proves to me that I mean something. It proves to me that I can reach them in more ways than the surface allows. I thanked @caitcd for many things, in hindsight possibly for more than anyone else, and then I turned to J.
He did such a good job keeping the events of this day from me, even under direct pressure, and it paid off. It was fantastic and wonderful and a million other tiny things that I cannot even think to write down. I thanked him for all of it, turned to the table, and told them to stick with me because this next year is going to be one of the best ever. I received an ovation and sat down, relieved to have it out of the way and successfully at that. Then @caitcd put a jar down in front of me. It was filled with pieces of paper and gold confetti, each scrap holding a wish for me or a cherished memory, from each of the people at the table (and some not present.)
I didn't have to read it right then, but with everyone turning to talk to one another I just had to. And I cried through all of it, reading these thoughts and feelings and realizing that maybe I meant as much to them as they did to me. The amazing thing about it all was that with how bad the year had been and with how hard it was to get over what happened, the only thing that mattered was what was right in front of me. That bad things happen sometimes but if you can keep your chin up and turn to the people who complete your life, they will come through for you.
After dinner I was driven to city park, where the bests were waiting for me. Each gave a small speech to me about what I am to them and what they want for me in the future, and then we moved on to a martini bar to round out the night.
All in all it was a perfect day. It was the best birthday. Everything that came before it didn't really seem to matter anymore, and that was great. It meant that I hard truly finished this year with a bang, like I had always wanted, and by letting go of the reigns I was able to enjoy something I had no part in planning. I love my family and friends so much and I am so thankful to have such wonderful people in my life, and I couldn't imagine it any other way.
Here's to looking forward (c:
My dear Mo, not making it easy for me.
2011 holiday season, part II
I had been assuming J would show up at the airport. In fact, I had been counting on it. When I left the plane I rant to the bathroom to fix my hair up and make sure there were no crusties in my eyes. Chest puffed up, smile ablaze, I turned and walked toward the greeting area. Nope, not there. Smile faltering a bit, I made my way to the baggage claim. Not there either. So at this point I resign myself to the fact that he will not be coming to surprise me, which is totally fine because we aren't technically in a relationship and he had other things to do that day. Grabbing my large suitcase I set it on the ground, tug the handle out, and start trotting on my way to the parking lot.
Green Bay's airport has this long walkway that lead to the doors, and it is bordered by these large columns all along the way. So I'm walking and I'm walking and I look up to see J emerge from behind a column, long-stemmed red rose in hand. Cue the melting of my heart. If there is one thing that could be said about J, it is that he is sweet. Incredibly so. You could branch outward from that in saying he is creative and thoughtful, and sometimes overwhelmingly kind. When you aren't used to it... it is jarring. It almost takes a few moments to erase the thoughts in your mind of "ok, so he did this nice thing for me... what do I have to do in return?"
To have those thoughts is wrong, solely because it means you are pulling past transgressions from an unfaithful lover to the new man in your life, and it isn't fair. But these are learned behaviors and they are hard to break. I guess in a large way, because of what happened, I became hard to break. Break into, break through, break as you like it. Maybe I did too good of a job building that stone facade... maybe I tried too hard to create an almost diamond-like wall around me for protection. Whatever the case of metaphor might be, there you have it. More on that later.
November went off fairly without a hitch after that, which was the 14th.
In the meantime, I had started the arduous process of planning the gifts for my "bests." You may recall me referring to them in the past, but if not, they are the five people I hold closest and dearest to my heart. Appropriate nicknames can now be assigned; @klreynol, @caitcd, @markstyleme, Mrs. S, and Cookie. Now, were Mrs. S and Cookie to get twitter handles, those names would change. Ahem. Now through a lot of texting and wrangling of schedules I was able to get all five of them together on the 15th of November. Mrs. S is a photographer and I had asked her to take pictures of me which each of the bests, @caitcd would be taking the picture of Mrs. S and I, and then my lovely mother would be taking the group pictures.
None of the bests knew what the eventual result would be, as I played it pretty close to my heart. All they knew was that it would obviously incorporate pictures of some sort. The afternoon went off error-free, though @klreynol fell on her knees from her heels and I made the mistake of hairspraying my hair due to the wind and had it looking awful for the most part. But oh well, all ended just fine and that's the important part. The HARD part was what came next.
The initial thought of these gifts was that I would make a book for each person. It would be made out of foam-core, so obviously really thick, and it would be a collection of memories and pictures of our lives together. A CD would be included, and then at the end, one of the pictures from the photo shoot. The plan started falling apart after I bough said foam-core and realized it was going to look like a second graders craft project. So that was nixed. I started thinking that because I am sentimental and have random boxes for important things/important people, I could start each of them on their own boxes to store the keepsakes and memories of us.
I found these neat boxes with hinged lids that worked perfectly. If I had taken a picture pre-project, I'd post it now. Alas, I didn't. First up for the boxes was collecting all of the pictures I could of the bests and I taken over the years. It was easy with some, hard with others. @caitcd and I have very few pictures together, which will be remedied for the future. Once the pictures were all collected, they needed to be printed and assembled in a cohesive manner that I was unaware of at that point. I had to photoshop and color correct the pictures taken from the photoshoot, which was fun because I started using a great photo-editing program online called Picnik. Coincidentally, I had this coupon for a free hard-cover photo book from Shutterfly that was going to expire, so I popped all of the finished pictures into the template and ordered my book.
Here is where things changed. The book arrived and I realized that it was actually fantastic. With some shimmying around, I re-structured the book into something that I would be proud to give them, as it was polished, organized, and looked professional. So that took care of the new pictures. Then I started writing letters to each of the bests to put in their boxes. The letters were a nightmare, as they had to tell the story of how we came to be friends, some of my favorite memories, and then a heartfelt message at the end to tie it all together. Now, I could very easily have written a form letter to each and just changed names, but it would be out of character and frankly, cheap. So each person had a completely different letter from the last, save for the first page of each letter which described what the hell the gift was for.
Once those were done, I had to make the CD's, which I had thought would be easier but ended up being wrong about as well. The CD's catered to each person's individual music taste, and had to incorporate some songs that meant something to us as "couples" if you will. Let me tell you, trying to work in Britney Spears "Lucky" for @klreynol was ridiculous, albeit necessary. Eventually I finished though and was pleased with the result. THEN it was time for finishing these puppies up.
I bought Mod-Podge paste to plaster the old pictures to the lids of the boxes, and it was the first time I would ever be using it. I was scared I'd fuck it up, did on one but you can't tell, but I actually finished that all fairly quickly. So here they are in all of their glory! Took over a month all together at about 50 man hours to complete.
All of them together; the store only had one black and one blue, so the girls all got green (but that is my favorite green, so whatever.)
Mrs. S. We have a history of notes and letters, which explains why they are on the top. Inside were a couple others, pasted down.
@caitcd. Obviously different from all of the others due to a lack of photographic proof of our relationship, but important all the same. I love the bottom right; I laugh every time.
@klreynol. The oldest of my bests, these pictures obviously go back much farther than the rest. Top center is my first time in drag!
@markstyleme. We make faces... not sure if you can tell.
Cookie. Some of my very favorite pictures ever, especially the bottom left.
And this was the inside. One of the pictures from the shoot for each of us, the books, letters, CD's, and a sucker that would get tied into the ribbons. I was extremely happy with how they turned out as each is one-of-a-kind, not flimsily constructed, and will hopefully last forever. They are catch-alls for letters and notes, pictures and whatever... and they are personal.
Wrapped and ready!
So that was December as well, I guess. Work was a bitch, I let my personal life slip away, and I lost sight of some things that maybe I shouldn't have lost sight of. But this doesn't wrap up the month; that was reserved for my birthday and what the bests had planned for me.
To be continued...
Green Bay's airport has this long walkway that lead to the doors, and it is bordered by these large columns all along the way. So I'm walking and I'm walking and I look up to see J emerge from behind a column, long-stemmed red rose in hand. Cue the melting of my heart. If there is one thing that could be said about J, it is that he is sweet. Incredibly so. You could branch outward from that in saying he is creative and thoughtful, and sometimes overwhelmingly kind. When you aren't used to it... it is jarring. It almost takes a few moments to erase the thoughts in your mind of "ok, so he did this nice thing for me... what do I have to do in return?"
To have those thoughts is wrong, solely because it means you are pulling past transgressions from an unfaithful lover to the new man in your life, and it isn't fair. But these are learned behaviors and they are hard to break. I guess in a large way, because of what happened, I became hard to break. Break into, break through, break as you like it. Maybe I did too good of a job building that stone facade... maybe I tried too hard to create an almost diamond-like wall around me for protection. Whatever the case of metaphor might be, there you have it. More on that later.
November went off fairly without a hitch after that, which was the 14th.
In the meantime, I had started the arduous process of planning the gifts for my "bests." You may recall me referring to them in the past, but if not, they are the five people I hold closest and dearest to my heart. Appropriate nicknames can now be assigned; @klreynol, @caitcd, @markstyleme, Mrs. S, and Cookie. Now, were Mrs. S and Cookie to get twitter handles, those names would change. Ahem. Now through a lot of texting and wrangling of schedules I was able to get all five of them together on the 15th of November. Mrs. S is a photographer and I had asked her to take pictures of me which each of the bests, @caitcd would be taking the picture of Mrs. S and I, and then my lovely mother would be taking the group pictures.
None of the bests knew what the eventual result would be, as I played it pretty close to my heart. All they knew was that it would obviously incorporate pictures of some sort. The afternoon went off error-free, though @klreynol fell on her knees from her heels and I made the mistake of hairspraying my hair due to the wind and had it looking awful for the most part. But oh well, all ended just fine and that's the important part. The HARD part was what came next.
The initial thought of these gifts was that I would make a book for each person. It would be made out of foam-core, so obviously really thick, and it would be a collection of memories and pictures of our lives together. A CD would be included, and then at the end, one of the pictures from the photo shoot. The plan started falling apart after I bough said foam-core and realized it was going to look like a second graders craft project. So that was nixed. I started thinking that because I am sentimental and have random boxes for important things/important people, I could start each of them on their own boxes to store the keepsakes and memories of us.
I found these neat boxes with hinged lids that worked perfectly. If I had taken a picture pre-project, I'd post it now. Alas, I didn't. First up for the boxes was collecting all of the pictures I could of the bests and I taken over the years. It was easy with some, hard with others. @caitcd and I have very few pictures together, which will be remedied for the future. Once the pictures were all collected, they needed to be printed and assembled in a cohesive manner that I was unaware of at that point. I had to photoshop and color correct the pictures taken from the photoshoot, which was fun because I started using a great photo-editing program online called Picnik. Coincidentally, I had this coupon for a free hard-cover photo book from Shutterfly that was going to expire, so I popped all of the finished pictures into the template and ordered my book.
Here is where things changed. The book arrived and I realized that it was actually fantastic. With some shimmying around, I re-structured the book into something that I would be proud to give them, as it was polished, organized, and looked professional. So that took care of the new pictures. Then I started writing letters to each of the bests to put in their boxes. The letters were a nightmare, as they had to tell the story of how we came to be friends, some of my favorite memories, and then a heartfelt message at the end to tie it all together. Now, I could very easily have written a form letter to each and just changed names, but it would be out of character and frankly, cheap. So each person had a completely different letter from the last, save for the first page of each letter which described what the hell the gift was for.
Once those were done, I had to make the CD's, which I had thought would be easier but ended up being wrong about as well. The CD's catered to each person's individual music taste, and had to incorporate some songs that meant something to us as "couples" if you will. Let me tell you, trying to work in Britney Spears "Lucky" for @klreynol was ridiculous, albeit necessary. Eventually I finished though and was pleased with the result. THEN it was time for finishing these puppies up.
I bought Mod-Podge paste to plaster the old pictures to the lids of the boxes, and it was the first time I would ever be using it. I was scared I'd fuck it up, did on one but you can't tell, but I actually finished that all fairly quickly. So here they are in all of their glory! Took over a month all together at about 50 man hours to complete.
All of them together; the store only had one black and one blue, so the girls all got green (but that is my favorite green, so whatever.)
Mrs. S. We have a history of notes and letters, which explains why they are on the top. Inside were a couple others, pasted down.
@caitcd. Obviously different from all of the others due to a lack of photographic proof of our relationship, but important all the same. I love the bottom right; I laugh every time.
@klreynol. The oldest of my bests, these pictures obviously go back much farther than the rest. Top center is my first time in drag!
@markstyleme. We make faces... not sure if you can tell.
Cookie. Some of my very favorite pictures ever, especially the bottom left.
And this was the inside. One of the pictures from the shoot for each of us, the books, letters, CD's, and a sucker that would get tied into the ribbons. I was extremely happy with how they turned out as each is one-of-a-kind, not flimsily constructed, and will hopefully last forever. They are catch-alls for letters and notes, pictures and whatever... and they are personal.
Wrapped and ready!
So that was December as well, I guess. Work was a bitch, I let my personal life slip away, and I lost sight of some things that maybe I shouldn't have lost sight of. But this doesn't wrap up the month; that was reserved for my birthday and what the bests had planned for me.
To be continued...
2011 holiday season, part I
As I write this, I know there are still a few days left until escaping this year, though not entirely unscathed as one would typically prefer. It is what it is and there is a certain sense of finality to that, but these next couple blogs are meant to mostly wrap up November and December in a cohesive way and to give some sort of reason as to my silence the last couple months.
I started writing these blogs at first as an outlet to express the "random" emotions I had while writing my third book, but they ended up being more than that. I started getting a little happier at the beginning of November and had less of a reason to write, but as is the case with me sometimes, I slid backward and landed where I was before.
Not to say that's a bad thing, just an annoying thing. I think it has something to do with trying to move on full steam ahead when in your heart, you know you're not ready. I liken it to making a stew. You take the necessary steps and add the appropriate ingredients, carefully and precisely. You stir, wait a minute before adding some spice, and then you wait a lot longer. You can't jump the gun, otherwise it isn't ready, and I think that is what my "thoughts" boil down to, no pun intended. I tend to put a shelf-life on the things and people around me, and I think I put a shelf-life on my grieving process as well.
Anyways.
I start dating J, or the Green Lantern, at the beginning of November. He was the first person I had an interest in since the dreaded ex and it was wonderful to see that I could have those feelings still. Sort of showed me that not all is lost in a break up and that there are still pieces that can sputter back to life and start ticking once more. I wrote about the fabulous first date ice-skating and the rest of the events of that night, and then I fell silent about him. Fell silent about everything else, but that mostly had to deal with me getting busier at work, a trip to Texas, and then the onslaught of my over-the-top Christmas gifts that seem to define me in a weird way.
Texas was an amazing experience. I had gone to the Lone Star State last summer and things didn't work out as I had planned (or as my brother had planned I'm sure, haha.) This trip was meant to make up for that and it really did. It snowed here the night before, so I remember driving to the airport the next morning in pure excitement knowing that a) I had shorts and sandals packed in my suitcase and that b) I was escaping the weather that was getting worse. I've never had the opportunity to really escape poop weather before, so that was a first. The flights down were uneventful, though I did realize I need to eventually purchase an iPad or something similar because watching movies on my gigantic laptop is, purely and simply, a fucking a nightmare.
My brother greeted me at the airport and then we went to pick up his kids from an after-school program, and that was great because they were so excited to see me. I mean yes, I am like a celebrity (cough,) but it always feels good to see pure joy on kids faces just from your presence. We went out for dinner at a Tex-Mex sort of restaurant that night, and I was able to try my first ever Mexican martini, or Texas martini... whichever. I didn't LOVE it like my alcoholic brother does, lol, but it was good. Spicy. The next day he had to work and had to leave the kids with his ex-wife, and I decided (at her offer) to spend the day with them as well.
Do you lose siblings in a divorce? I couldn't decide that while I was there, because it felt awkward to think of her as my ex-sister in law. I think I'll just keep the ex part off of there... once a Parker always a Parker. We reconnected in the morning and talked for hours, then drove to a mall and walked around, joking the way we used to and slipping into what, for me at least, felt like a comfortable routine. It was nice. That night my brother and I had pizza with the kids and watched the Green Lantern movie, which I thought was pretty awful, hahaha, but entertaining at least. The next day we went to a great burger place called "Your Mom's" which was delicious if not crazy greasy. Dicked around town afterward and I did some "light" shopping, stopping at an art-fair type thing and buying these awesome coasters that I will steal the idea for eventually.
Went home, changed into fancy clothes, and then hit the town again. We went to on of my brother's favorite bars called Clive which looks like an old saloon but updated in a very trendy way. Hit downtown after that and went to a dueling piano bar, which in and of itself was pretty fantastic. A little crowded, but that's to be expected on a Saturday night. The interesting thing about Austin is how they shut down the streets at night, subsequently FILLING them with bar-goers. It was walking down this street after the piano bar that my trip officially made itself perfect.
My brother and I talked a lot about going to the Alamo Drafthouse on my prior visit though it did not pan out. This trip we were going to go for sure, and we were going to see Immortals. The Alamo Drafthouse is kind of like a dinner theatre, where you pay for your movie ticket, go and sit down, and then you order up essentially anything you can think of because the menu is so extensive. Super comfortable seats, super friendly staff, and the food is good too. My brother and I are walking back towards the car in a round-about sort of way when we walk past the Alamo Ritz, and he points it out, saying how it is one of the better theatres but we are going to one on the other side of the city to see our movie. Walking past the marquee, I see something that makes my heart stop.
Jurassic Park.
It should be noted here that everyone has an over-all favorite movie. I have a bunch of favorites, which is the same answer nearly ANYONE will give you when asked what movie they love, but usually there is a movie that spans across all of those favorites and holds the title all its own. For me, that is Jurassic Park. You know it is your favorite when you have worn out two VHS copies, can recite the movie nearly verbatim without actually watching it, and cut your own fan trailers to it.
Said trailer can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDslAOxrfRY
So I geek out, my brother sees, and he surprises me later when we get home that he bought tickets online and we would be seeing it the next day. That next day ended up being mostly a blur because I absolutely couldn't stand the anticipation. My family and I saw Jurassic Park on June 11th, 1993 when it first came out. I was too young for repeat viewings on the big screen at the time, so I only saw it that once. I won't get too technical on the details of the Alamo experience, but I will say that the print they showed was the original from 1993, sound problems and static on the screen and all, and that I loved every moment of it. I even cried more than once (because I am clearly a pussy.) Best movie experience ever.
And that was my last day in Texas. Monday morning came and it was time to fly back to the cold, but I was ready. I usually am ready to return to my own bed at the end of a trip, though maybe not the location of said bed. Said farewell to my brother, flew home, and was surprised at the airport by J with a rose.
To be continued...
I started writing these blogs at first as an outlet to express the "random" emotions I had while writing my third book, but they ended up being more than that. I started getting a little happier at the beginning of November and had less of a reason to write, but as is the case with me sometimes, I slid backward and landed where I was before.
Not to say that's a bad thing, just an annoying thing. I think it has something to do with trying to move on full steam ahead when in your heart, you know you're not ready. I liken it to making a stew. You take the necessary steps and add the appropriate ingredients, carefully and precisely. You stir, wait a minute before adding some spice, and then you wait a lot longer. You can't jump the gun, otherwise it isn't ready, and I think that is what my "thoughts" boil down to, no pun intended. I tend to put a shelf-life on the things and people around me, and I think I put a shelf-life on my grieving process as well.
Anyways.
I start dating J, or the Green Lantern, at the beginning of November. He was the first person I had an interest in since the dreaded ex and it was wonderful to see that I could have those feelings still. Sort of showed me that not all is lost in a break up and that there are still pieces that can sputter back to life and start ticking once more. I wrote about the fabulous first date ice-skating and the rest of the events of that night, and then I fell silent about him. Fell silent about everything else, but that mostly had to deal with me getting busier at work, a trip to Texas, and then the onslaught of my over-the-top Christmas gifts that seem to define me in a weird way.
Texas was an amazing experience. I had gone to the Lone Star State last summer and things didn't work out as I had planned (or as my brother had planned I'm sure, haha.) This trip was meant to make up for that and it really did. It snowed here the night before, so I remember driving to the airport the next morning in pure excitement knowing that a) I had shorts and sandals packed in my suitcase and that b) I was escaping the weather that was getting worse. I've never had the opportunity to really escape poop weather before, so that was a first. The flights down were uneventful, though I did realize I need to eventually purchase an iPad or something similar because watching movies on my gigantic laptop is, purely and simply, a fucking a nightmare.
My brother greeted me at the airport and then we went to pick up his kids from an after-school program, and that was great because they were so excited to see me. I mean yes, I am like a celebrity (cough,) but it always feels good to see pure joy on kids faces just from your presence. We went out for dinner at a Tex-Mex sort of restaurant that night, and I was able to try my first ever Mexican martini, or Texas martini... whichever. I didn't LOVE it like my alcoholic brother does, lol, but it was good. Spicy. The next day he had to work and had to leave the kids with his ex-wife, and I decided (at her offer) to spend the day with them as well.
Do you lose siblings in a divorce? I couldn't decide that while I was there, because it felt awkward to think of her as my ex-sister in law. I think I'll just keep the ex part off of there... once a Parker always a Parker. We reconnected in the morning and talked for hours, then drove to a mall and walked around, joking the way we used to and slipping into what, for me at least, felt like a comfortable routine. It was nice. That night my brother and I had pizza with the kids and watched the Green Lantern movie, which I thought was pretty awful, hahaha, but entertaining at least. The next day we went to a great burger place called "Your Mom's" which was delicious if not crazy greasy. Dicked around town afterward and I did some "light" shopping, stopping at an art-fair type thing and buying these awesome coasters that I will steal the idea for eventually.
Went home, changed into fancy clothes, and then hit the town again. We went to on of my brother's favorite bars called Clive which looks like an old saloon but updated in a very trendy way. Hit downtown after that and went to a dueling piano bar, which in and of itself was pretty fantastic. A little crowded, but that's to be expected on a Saturday night. The interesting thing about Austin is how they shut down the streets at night, subsequently FILLING them with bar-goers. It was walking down this street after the piano bar that my trip officially made itself perfect.
My brother and I talked a lot about going to the Alamo Drafthouse on my prior visit though it did not pan out. This trip we were going to go for sure, and we were going to see Immortals. The Alamo Drafthouse is kind of like a dinner theatre, where you pay for your movie ticket, go and sit down, and then you order up essentially anything you can think of because the menu is so extensive. Super comfortable seats, super friendly staff, and the food is good too. My brother and I are walking back towards the car in a round-about sort of way when we walk past the Alamo Ritz, and he points it out, saying how it is one of the better theatres but we are going to one on the other side of the city to see our movie. Walking past the marquee, I see something that makes my heart stop.
Jurassic Park.
It should be noted here that everyone has an over-all favorite movie. I have a bunch of favorites, which is the same answer nearly ANYONE will give you when asked what movie they love, but usually there is a movie that spans across all of those favorites and holds the title all its own. For me, that is Jurassic Park. You know it is your favorite when you have worn out two VHS copies, can recite the movie nearly verbatim without actually watching it, and cut your own fan trailers to it.
Said trailer can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDslAOxrfRY
So I geek out, my brother sees, and he surprises me later when we get home that he bought tickets online and we would be seeing it the next day. That next day ended up being mostly a blur because I absolutely couldn't stand the anticipation. My family and I saw Jurassic Park on June 11th, 1993 when it first came out. I was too young for repeat viewings on the big screen at the time, so I only saw it that once. I won't get too technical on the details of the Alamo experience, but I will say that the print they showed was the original from 1993, sound problems and static on the screen and all, and that I loved every moment of it. I even cried more than once (because I am clearly a pussy.) Best movie experience ever.
And that was my last day in Texas. Monday morning came and it was time to fly back to the cold, but I was ready. I usually am ready to return to my own bed at the end of a trip, though maybe not the location of said bed. Said farewell to my brother, flew home, and was surprised at the airport by J with a rose.
To be continued...
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