I ended the year mostly on a high note though with a bit of sadness attached to it. I alluded to something in the previous blogs, and that thing being that I ended my relationship with J. Throughout December I realized that for all I had gone through with the dreaded ex, I still wasn't finished. I am over him, for sure; someone once marveled at how quickly I "got over it." But have I moved on? No. I think part of me still feels wronged, like something was stolen from me that I had no choice in. And until I have moved on, I cannot be in a relationship. I felt horrible ending things with J... I still feel horrible. Our conversation on the matter was very good, as neither of us yelled and neither of us cried. It wasn't like that at all. He was very understanding of the situation, and I tried to be very clear as to why it was happening.
It isn't fair to keep a person at your side when you don't have very much to give them in return. It isn't right to hold on to them, knowing that a large part of you is still dead and doesn't look to be waking up anytime soon. When we first started talking, he asked me if I was ready to be in a relationship. At the time, I thought I was. I think it took actually being in one for me to realize that I'm not in a position yet to open up to someone new. Every sweet thing J did for me had a huge impact, and it showed me what someone can bring to a relationship, as no other had done so before him. For that I am eternally grateful, if not somewhat heartbroken. I wish I had tested the waters with someone else... I wish I had known before hand what J would be like. Having to let go is all the more difficult because it is letting go of the qualities I have always wanted in a partner... but as I said before, it would be selfish to hold on to it without giving in return.
There is a quote by Gilda Radner that I love. "I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, or end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's to happen next." It's a wonderful quote to live by, and you all know how I adore my quotes. I wanted a perfect ending too, with the dreaded ex and a thousand other things, but life isn't like that. It doesn't work that way, and if there is anything 2011 taught me, it is that endings can be messy. They can be painful.
If you asked me a year ago today what I would be doing right now, the answer would have been very different from the reality I now inhabit. I would be about seven months from my wedding day. I'd be living in my house on Maple in Green Bay, hopefully more than halfway through the renovations though that isn't certain. Happy. Am I happy right now? Yes. Did something go awry this year to throw me off track? Yes to that as well. The shit hit the fan in March and everything was destroyed. Everything I'd built, everything I'd repaired... gone. I don't think the full realization of the implications of that really hit until April, when I really hit my rock bottom. However, like that Wynonna Judd song said, "rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around."
I made a resolution this year that was unlike any I had made before. Usually my resolutions are something foolish like "I want to lose 20 pounds by working out," or "I want to be this happy all year long."
This year? "Let the past die." Part of the reason I have this particular resolution is because of the amount of time I spent working on my gifts for the bests this year, and the other part is because I found two quotes that I am applying directly to my life. Directly to my situation. Both are anonymous, and the first I will list is this:
"In order to move forward in life, one must forget the past. Stop living off the memories, because memories will never come back."
Is it harsh? Sure. Is it true? Absolutely. I spent the majority of the year dwelling on the way things were, ignoring what they had become. I think we fall in love with the memories we have of people, and we choose to hold those memories in front of who they have become. None of this is to say that I am going to start chopping people out of my life because they have turned into real assholes (truth be told,) but it is to say that I want and I need to start looking at things for what they are. At people for who they are. The other quote ties into that:
"Sometimes there are things in our life that aren't meant to stay. Sometimes change may not be what we want; sometimes change is what we really need. And sometimes, saying goodbye is the hardest thing you think you'll ever have to do. Sometimes it's saying 'hello again' that breaks you down and makes you the most vulnerable person you'll ever know. Sometimes change is too much to bear, but most of the time change is the only thing saving your life."
Now, 2012 is a special year because I have deemed it my "Golden Year." Taking a cue from @caitcd, I am going to do 26 new things this year. Originally I was going to write them all down and then blog about each, but I think instead I will let them happen as they do. I might have some ideas, and I might want your ideas. I'm open to it! The point is that I want to do 26 things that move me beyond myself at this moment in time. 26 things that might change me, that might shape me, and that will help me with my resolution. I also chose a theme song for the year which should please the hipster crowd but is more for me than you. The video is below, as are the lyrics that sold me on it.
That being said, Happy New Year to all of you, thank you for the things you have said and done, and look forward to many great things in the coming 365 days. Glad you're with me on it (c:
We're only young and naive still,
We require certain skill.
The mood it changes like the wind,
Hard to control when it begins.
The bittersweet between my teeth,
Trying to find the in-between.
Fall back in love eventually,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can't help myself but count the flaws,
Claw my way out through these walls.
One temporary escape,
Feel it start to permeate.
We lie beneath the stars at night,
Our hands gripping each other tight.
You keep my secrets, hope to die.
Promises, swear them to the sky.
The bittersweet between my teeth,
Trying to find the in-between.
Fall back in love eventually,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
As it withers,
Brittle it shakes.
Can you whisper,
As it crumbles and breaks?
As you shiver,
Count up all your mistakes.
Pair of forgivers,
Let go before it's too late.
Can you whisper?
Can you whisper?
Can you whisper?
Can you whisper?
The bittersweet between my teeth,
Trying to find the in-between.
Fall back in love eventually,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The bittersweet between my teeth,
Trying to find the in-between.
Fall back in love eventually,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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