letting it die

They always said that there would come a day.  It would be a day unlike any other, and I would just "know." I was going to wake up, I was going to look around, and I was going to realize that sometime during my sleep I had finally done it.  I had achieved the thing that seemed to take so long... the thing that was all consuming and at so many times grew so ugly.  But it came, the first of 26 Golden Things.

#1 - Letting it die: the realization you are finally over your ex.

I've referred to him as the dreaded ex in all of these blog posts, but to do that seems silly now.  Even if he read these, which I'm sure he doesn't, I could really give a flying fuck if he was upset I used his name or not.  After all, it was Albus Dumbledore who once so infamously said "Call him Voldemort, Harry.  Always use the proper name for things.  Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself."  That being said, his name is Ken.

I don't really know what changed between yesterday and today, if anything really at all.  I went through the motions of what I needed to, I grieved for a long time and I reminisced for a long time as well.  For a good chunk of that time, my closest friends marveled at how quickly I had gotten over what happened between Ken and I but the reality of it all was that I hadn't.  Maybe part of me didn't want to?  In life these things don't (hopefully) happen that often, so is it really so wrong to try holding on to it when it does?  Well... yes, lol, it is wrong, but I said it so I won't retract it.  I look at it in the way that you only fall once for the first "big" love in your life.  When it ends, you can grieve as much as you want, because they will always hold that title.  They will always be the first person you really loved.

Today I was off of work and didn't really have anything to do but to write my thank you cards from the holidays, clean up some loose ends I had lying around, and sit on the computer.  Idle hands being the devil's playground, I started looking at the very hidden files of pictures of Ken and I.  Bit of a stroll down memory lane.  I had been seeing him on a couple dating websites as of late, though upon confrontation he said he was just looking for friends on them.  Whatever; I told him he didn't have to justify himself to me.  The reality of that little scenario is that I could give two shits what he and that dumb bitch he's dating do to stay entertained. And no, I am not bitter; I am actually laughing as I refer to that idiot stick figure with no soul (little SATC reference) as a dumb bitch.  Honestly, laughing (c:

But I digress.

I was looking at pictures, from the very beginning to the very end, and realizing that I wasn't feeling that usual tug at the back of my throat.  That simple little pain in my chest.  The things that I was feeling were merely a fondness for the past, a smile that I had been so happy at certain points, and then a slight frown for knowing what was hiding behind my smile in so many of the pictures.  So I started deleting them.  One, by one, by one, by one, until there weren't any left.  And then I went to the e-mails I had saved on my computer, and I started deleting them too.  And then I blocked him.  And then I blocked him on Facebook.  And then I blocked his phone number.

At first I was thinking... is this really necessary?  Can't a grown up just decide to stop talking to someone and let it be at that?  Then that small voice in my head grew infinitely louder.  Yes, it is necessary.  Because Ken does not matter anymore, and to think he still matters is to still think the way I had been on March 5th.  That maybe this could someday turn around and I was going to be the man he really wanted.  The catch now is that he isn't the guy I want... not anymore.  Not by a long shot.

It feels like it took an eternity to get here... a lot of self hating and a lot of doubt as to what it is that makes me a man, what the qualities of a man really are, and how you use them to better yourself.  I have to remind myself to sit back and take a deep breath, and know that the next breath will come as easily as it was to push the delete button so many times.  I'm reminded of a quote from the series finale of Six Feet Under: "You can't take a picture if it's already gone."

It's gone.  It was gone.  It had been gone for a long time before I even realized it.  I used to think he was my soulmate but the funny thing about soulmates as that if they are real, you never give up on them.  You keep fighting for them until the day you die, because they complete you and they make you whole.  In the end, this year was supposed to be filled with 26 things I had never done before.  And if I had done them before... the new version needed to eclipse the old.

So we come to it; the first new thing I have done in my life this year is I let go of the past, deleting but not forgetting, and I have taken a fresh step toward that ever elusive thought.  Divine happiness.

Goodnight babes.